英語GRE作文：點(diǎn)評(píng)一篇GRE 作文習(xí)作

        第二句“And therein exists another belief that by taking differing from others too far causes people’s failure to see the meaningful similarities among related things.” 由于用了“therein”一詞，本句在邏輯上存在嚴(yán)重矛盾。從內(nèi)容上看，本句所陳述的意思是，如果過分地采取與眾不同的做法則會(huì)阻礙人們認(rèn)清相關(guān)事物之間的共同點(diǎn)。這一論點(diǎn)是與第一句所表述的論點(diǎn)截然相反的另一種觀點(diǎn)（another belief），但 “therein”(“在那個(gè)里面”)卻規(guī)定了這第二個(gè)論點(diǎn)是包含在第一個(gè)論點(diǎn)之中的。這便產(chǎn)生了兩個(gè)邏輯矛盾。第一：全然相反的第二個(gè)論點(diǎn)怎么能被包含在與之矛盾的第一個(gè)論點(diǎn)之中呢？第二：“another”暗示第一個(gè)句子中應(yīng)包含二個(gè)“beliefs”，但我們?cè)诘谝粋€(gè)句子以外，所能讀到的卻只有一個(gè)“belief”，缺乏另一個(gè)“belief”的存在。這里，作者可能出于炫耀詞匯的心理，用了一個(gè)不常用的帶有故舊色彩的“therein”，如同上文中的“personality”一詞那樣，均是囫圇吞棗、沒有透徹把握而造成誤用的表現(xiàn)，改成“there”，變?yōu)?“there exists another belief…”便可。

　　在語言上，介詞結(jié)構(gòu)“by taking differing from others too far” 是不能做主語的，“by”一詞應(yīng)去掉，變成現(xiàn)在分詞短語才可以充當(dāng)主語，這里顯示出作者受到了中文思維的干擾。此外，在及物動(dòng)詞“taking”之后出現(xiàn)的名詞，在“differing”和“differences”之間應(yīng)首選“differences”。但即使這樣，“taking differences”在搭配上也是生硬的，應(yīng)改成“taking on differences”或“assuming differences” 方為貼切。最后，以副詞形式出現(xiàn)的“too far”修飾“taking (assuming)”也顯別扭，最好改成形容詞“excessive”，放在名詞“differences”之前來修飾，才符合英文習(xí)慣表達(dá)方式。

　　這一句可改為：“On the other hand, there exists an opposite belief that assuming excessive differences from others can result in people’s failure to see meaningful similarities among related things.”

　　第三句：“As far as I am concerned, however, that pursuing differences or personality and seeking similarities between counterparts are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and that a coalition of them both can be possibly and necessarily realized if handled properly, which will benefit our society a lot with the appropriate proportion of them each to blance each other out.”?對(duì)于本句，先說語言上的問題。如果保持“As far as I am concerned”這一從句，則后面的內(nèi)容應(yīng)該表現(xiàn)為主句，故“pursuing differences”和“a coalition of them both” 之前的兩個(gè)“that” 應(yīng)刪除，不然會(huì)出現(xiàn)全句只有數(shù)個(gè)從句而沒有主句的嚴(yán)重語法問題。或者，保持以“that” 引導(dǎo)的兩個(gè)從句，將“As far as I am concerned ”改為主句“I think /believe/hold/maintain…”。其次，“similarities between counterparts” 是對(duì)原文similarities among ideas, individuals, and groups” 的篡改，因?yàn)?ldquo;counterparts”指的是同類的或?qū)Φ鹊娜嘶蚴挛?，但題目中“similarities among ideas, individuals, and groups”指的是表面上視若不同的思想之間、個(gè)人之間和群體之間在深層次上的共同點(diǎn)”。其次，“coalition”一詞常指政治和軍事上的聯(lián)盟，表示兩者的融合應(yīng)該用“combination”，或“integration”, “fusion”, “incorporation”等詞匯。此外，“possibly and necessarily”是自相予盾的，應(yīng)改成“possibly or necessarily”才免強(qiáng)可行。最后，“them each”應(yīng)改成“each of them”, “blance”為拼寫錯(cuò)誤，應(yīng)改成“balance”, 但“balance each other out”也是中國式英語，應(yīng)改成“to keep a balance between the two”。整句可改為：“As far as I am concerned, however, pursuing differences or individuality and seeking similarities among apparently different entities are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and a combination of both can be possibly or necessarily realized if handled properly, which will considerably benefit our society with an appropriate proportion of each of them to maintain a state of balance or equilibrium.”經(jīng)過上述修改之后，第一段本身已變得層次清晰，連貫通順。作者先指出了兩個(gè)均帶片面性的他人的論點(diǎn)，然后提出了有別于這兩個(gè)片面論點(diǎn)的屬于自己的折衷觀點(diǎn)。