英語GRE作文：點(diǎn)評(píng)一篇GRE 作文習(xí)作

In conclusion, similarities and differences are both equally important and indispensable to our society. Without differences and varieties, we risk of making a dull world, without diversity and variety. Without similarities and conformity, we risk ourselves of losing our willingness and ability to communicate efficiently between both individuals and different cultures. We should therefore get out to make apparent differences and personality on the foundamental basis of sharing and acknowledging the meaningful similarity between we human beings.

10-2：總體評(píng)價(jià)

　　全文結(jié)構(gòu)清晰，第一段為開頭，陳述作者的論點(diǎn)（在differences和similarities 之間走中庸之道）；第二段論述differences的重要性；第三段論述similarities的重要性；最后一段為結(jié)論,主要從反面來論述differences和similarities各自的不可或缺性。作者有一定的詞匯量，有構(gòu)建較為復(fù)雜句式的能力，內(nèi)容尚顯充分，亦能進(jìn)行例證。第一段思緒混亂，表述不清，極為費(fèi)解，出現(xiàn)嚴(yán)重句法錯(cuò)誤。從第二段起思路和文筆逐漸流暢清晰起來，表達(dá)的意思也漸趨明朗．用GRE Issue類作文的評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來衡量，得分應(yīng)在3.5分左右。

10-3: 具體分析

　　第一段極為晦澀費(fèi)解，層次紊亂，讀完五遍之后我才基本整理出一個(gè)頭緒，讀了十遍并詳加揣摩之后才弄清楚應(yīng)怎樣重新加以組織方顯條理清晰。這或許是因?yàn)樵髡呒庇谡故咀约旱牟拍軈s又駕御失控所致。

　　第一句：“Differences and personality seem to have been playing a crucial role in our society in many aspects, whether ideas, individuals, or groups, for the incentive to stand out in the increasingly larger amount of output by society of both new high-tech products and elites of persons and groups.”

　　本以為這句是作者自己的論點(diǎn)，大致是說由于現(xiàn)代社會(huì)高新技術(shù)產(chǎn)品和精英人物層出不窮，因此，為了不被湮沒在茫茫的人與產(chǎn)品的海洋中而陷入默默無聞，就十分有必要維持與他人或他物的差異并張揚(yáng)個(gè)性。但讀到第三句“As far as I am concerned, however…”讀者才能推斷出開頭第一句并非作者自己的論點(diǎn),而是他人的論點(diǎn)。此外，由第二句中的“another belief”可推知，第一句和第二句所表達(dá)的分別是他人的兩大觀點(diǎn)。故為了條理清晰，作者應(yīng)在第一句的開頭加上“Some people believe (hold, maintain) that…”的字樣。

　　在語言上，“personality”是一種誤用，它的意思是“一個(gè)人的性格，人格”, 而不是“與眾不同的個(gè)性”，故應(yīng)改成“individuality”。在“in many aspects”后面出現(xiàn)了補(bǔ)充說明性質(zhì)的“whether ideas, individuals, or groups”，但其中應(yīng)維持介詞結(jié)構(gòu)的表達(dá)方式，即在“ideas”之前至少要有介詞“in”，最好“individuals”和“groups”之前都有，以顯嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)。但即使這樣，將“idea”，“individuals”和“groups”說成社會(huì)的諸個(gè)側(cè)面也是極為牽強(qiáng)的，改成“human thoughts, individual behavior and group activities”較為貼切。在句子后半部分，將“for”用作介詞，后接 “the incentive to…”是比較奇怪的，最好將“for”用作連詞，后接一個(gè)句子，改成“for the incentive to…is great/high”，但這仍是一個(gè)不太常見的句式。另外，“by society”最好改成“in our society”, “elites of persons and groups”最好改成“elite people and groups”。全句最好改為：“Some people maintain that differences and individuality play a crucial role in our society in many aspects, whether in human thoughts, individual behavior, or group activities, for, amidst the increasing output in our society of both new high-tech products and elite people and groups, it is extremely necessary to stand out in order not to be obliterated in the sea of overwhelming similarities.”