《渺小一生》:“又一項(xiàng)隱藏的才華?！?/h1>
“Not then,” Jude reminded him. “Not actively, at least.”
“當(dāng)時(shí)還沒(méi)有，”裘德提醒他，“至少還沒(méi)發(fā)病?！?
“No, maybe not,” he said. “But he was dying.”
“是啊，或許吧，”他說(shuō)，“可是他快死了?！?
Jude had smiled at him. “Oh, dying,” he said dismissively. “We’re all dying. He just knew his death would come sooner than he had planned. But that doesn’t mean they weren’t happy years, that it wasn’t a happy life.”
裘德對(duì)他微笑?！鞍?，死?！彼p蔑地說(shuō)，“我們?nèi)紩?huì)死。他只是知道他的死亡會(huì)比他計(jì)劃的早一些。但那不表示那不是快樂(lè)年代，不是快樂(lè)的一生?！?
He had looked at Jude, then, and had felt that same sensation he sometimes did when he thought, really thought of Jude and what his life had been: a sadness, he might have called it, but it wasn’t a pitying sadness; it was a larger sadness, one that seemed to encompass all the poor striving people, the billions he didn’t know, all living their lives, a sadness that mingled with a wonder and awe at how hard humans everywhere tried to live, even when their days were so very difficult, even when their circumstances were so wretched. Life is so sad, he would think in those moments. It’s so sad, and yet we all do it. We all cling to it; we all search for something to give us solace.
然后他看著裘德，有時(shí)，包括現(xiàn)在，當(dāng)他真正思索裘德和他的人生時(shí)，總會(huì)產(chǎn)生一種感覺(jué)。或許可以稱之為一種悲傷，但不是憐憫的，而是更大的悲傷。那種悲傷似乎是為了所有努力奮斗的可憐人，那幾十億他不認(rèn)識(shí)、過(guò)著各自生活的人；那是一種混合了驚奇與敬畏的悲傷。看到世界各地的人這么奮力求生，即使他們每天都過(guò)得非常辛苦，即使環(huán)境這么惡劣。人生如此悲傷，在那些時(shí)刻，他會(huì)這樣想。太悲傷了，然而我們都在繼續(xù)活，我們都緊抓著不放，我們都在尋求某種慰藉。
But he didn’t say this, of course, just sat up and grabbed Jude’s face and kissed him and then fell back against the pillows. “How’d you get so smart?” he asked Jude, and Jude grinned at him.
但他當(dāng)然沒(méi)說(shuō)這些，只是坐起來(lái)捧住裘德的臉吻他一記，然后又往后倒在枕頭上?！澳阍趺磿?huì)這么聰明？”他問(wèn)裘德。裘德對(duì)他咧嘴笑了。
“Too hard?” he asked in response, still kneading Willem’s foot.
“太用力了嗎？”裘德只是問(wèn)，手還按著他的雙腳。
“Not hard enough.”
“還不夠用力?！?
Now he turned Jude around to face him in bed. “I think we have to stick with The Happy Years,” he told him. “We’ll just have to risk your arms falling off,” and Jude laughed.
這會(huì)兒他把裘德轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)來(lái)面對(duì)自己?！拔蚁胛覀冞€是用’快樂(lè)年代’吧?！彼嬖V他，“我們得冒著你兩只手臂掉下來(lái)的危險(xiǎn)?！濒玫麓笮?。
The next week, he left for Paris. It was one of the most difficult shoots he’d ever done; he had a double, an actual dancer, for the more elaborate sequences, but he did some of his own dancing as well, and there were days—days spent lifting real ballerinas into the air, marveling at how dense, how ropy with muscle they were—that were so exhausting that by the evening he had only the energy to drop himself into the bathtub and then lift himself out of it. In the past few years, he had found himself subconsciously drawn to ever-more physical roles, and he was always astonished by, and appreciative of, how heroically his body met its every demand. He had been given a new awareness of it, and now, as he stretched his arms behind him as he leaped, he could feel how every sore muscle came alive for him, how it allowed him to do whatever he wanted, how nothing within him ever broke, how it indulged him every time. He knew he wasn’t alone in feeling this, this gratitude: when they visited Cambridge, he and Harold would play tennis every day, and he knew without them ever discussing it how grateful they had both become for their own bodies, how much the act of smacking heavily, unthinkingly across the court to lunge for a ball had come to mean to them both.
下一個(gè)星期，他出發(fā)去巴黎。那是他拍過(guò)最辛苦的電影之一；他有個(gè)舞者替身，可以負(fù)責(zé)舞步比較復(fù)雜的鏡頭，但有些他還是要自己跳才行。有些日子，他一整天都在把真正的芭蕾女伶舉到空中，驚嘆她們身上的肌肉有多結(jié)實(shí)、多強(qiáng)壯，晚上他累得只剩進(jìn)入浴缸和爬出來(lái)的力氣。過(guò)去幾年，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己下意識(shí)地會(huì)想接一些挑戰(zhàn)身體難度的角色，而且他總是很驚訝、也很感激自己的身體像超人一般，總是能達(dá)到每一個(gè)要求。他對(duì)自己的身體有了新的認(rèn)識(shí)，而現(xiàn)在，當(dāng)他躍起，向后伸展雙臂時(shí)，他可以感到每塊酸痛的肌肉都為他活了過(guò)來(lái)，讓他做任何他想要的動(dòng)作，而且他的身體從來(lái)沒(méi)有損傷，每回都縱容了他。他知道自己不是唯一為這感到慶幸的人：每次他們?nèi)蚴校凸_德天天都會(huì)打網(wǎng)球，雖然他們不曾談過(guò)，但他知道兩人現(xiàn)在都很感激自己的身體，知道用力擊球、毫不思索就沖到球場(chǎng)另一頭救球，對(duì)他們的意義是什么。
Jude came to visit him in Paris at the end of April, and although Willem had promised him that he wouldn’t do anything elaborate for his fiftieth birthday, he had arranged a surprise dinner anyway, and in addition to JB and Malcolm and Sophie, Richard and Elijah and Rhodes and Andy and Black Henry Young and Harold and Julia had all come over, along with Phaedra and Citizen, who had helped him with the planning. The next day Jude had come to watch him on set, one of the very few times he had ever done so. The scene they were working on that morning was one in which Nureyev was trying to correct a young dancer’s cabriole, and after instructing him again and again, finally demonstrates how to do it; but in an earlier scene, one they hadn’t yet shot but that would directly precede this one, he has just been diagnosed with HIV, and as he jumps, scissoring his legs, he falls, and the studio goes quiet around him. The scene ended on his face, a moment in which he had to convey Nureyev’s sudden recognition that he understood how he would die and then, just a second later, his decision to ignore that understanding.
裘德四月底來(lái)巴黎探望他。盡管威廉已經(jīng)答應(yīng)不會(huì)為他的50歲生日大費(fèi)周章，但他還是安排了一個(gè)驚喜晚餐，參加的人除了杰比、馬爾科姆和蘇菲之外，理查德、伊利亞、羅茲、安迪、黑人亨利·楊、哈羅德和朱麗婭也都趕到巴黎，外加住在當(dāng)?shù)亍退邉澋姆频吕臀魈崛?。次日，裘德難得來(lái)拍攝現(xiàn)場(chǎng)探班。他們那天早上拍的戲，是努里耶夫想糾正一個(gè)年輕舞者的羚躍動(dòng)作，教了一回又一回之后，終于自己親身示范；但在更早的一場(chǎng)戲里（他們還沒(méi)拍，但劇情順序正好就是前一場(chǎng)），他才剛被診斷出有艾滋病。于是當(dāng)他跳起，兩腳像剪刀般在空中互碰時(shí)，他摔倒了，整個(gè)工作室都安靜下來(lái)。這場(chǎng)戲最后終止在他的臉部特寫(xiě)，那一刻他必須表達(dá)出努里耶夫忽然意識(shí)到他知道自己將怎么死，然后才一秒鐘，他就決定不予理會(huì)。
They shot take after take of this scene, and after each take, Willem would have to step away and wait until he could breathe normally again, and hair and makeup would flutter around him, blotting the sweat from his face and neck, and when he was ready, back to his mark he would step. By the time the director was satisfied, he was panting but satisfied as well.
這場(chǎng)戲他們拍了一個(gè)又一個(gè)鏡頭，每拍完一個(gè)，威廉就必須退到一旁，等自己恢復(fù)正常呼吸，同時(shí)服化人員會(huì)手忙腳亂地圍著他，吸掉他臉上、脖子上的汗水。等他準(zhǔn)備好重來(lái)，就回到剛剛開(kāi)始的記號(hào)位置。最后導(dǎo)演滿意了，他喘著氣，自己也很滿意。
“Sorry,” he apologized, going over to Jude at last. “The tedium of filmmaking.”
“對(duì)不起。”他道歉，走向裘德?！芭碾娪罢娴暮軣o(wú)聊?！?
“No, Willem,” Jude said. “It was amazing. You were so beautiful out there.” He looked tentative for a moment. “I almost couldn’t believe it was you.”
“不會(huì)，威廉。”裘德說(shuō)，“太了不起了。你在那里太完美了。”他看起來(lái)猶豫了片刻，“我簡(jiǎn)直不敢相信那是你。”
He took Jude’s hand and clasped it in his, which he knew was the most affection Jude would tolerate in public. But he never knew how Jude felt about witnessing such displays of physicality. The previous spring, during one of his breakups with Fredrik, JB had dated a principal in a well-known modern dance company, and they had all gone to see his performance. During Josiah’s solo, he had glanced over at Jude and had seen that he was leaning forward slightly, resting his chin in his hand, and watching the stage so intently that when Willem put his hand on his back, he startled. “Sorry,” Willem had whispered. Later, in bed, Jude had been very quiet, and he had wondered what he was thinking: Was he upset? Wistful? Sorrowful? But it had seemed unkind to ask Jude to say aloud what he might not have been able to articulate to himself, and so he hadn’t.
他抓住裘德的手，緊緊握住，他知道這是裘德在公共場(chǎng)合所能忍受的最親昵的舉動(dòng)。但他從來(lái)不知道裘德親眼看到這樣身體動(dòng)作的展示，會(huì)有什么感想。前一年春天，在杰比跟弗雷德里克多次分手中的其中一次期間，杰比跟一個(gè)知名現(xiàn)代舞團(tuán)的首席舞者約西亞交往，于是他們四個(gè)都去看那個(gè)舞團(tuán)的表演。約西亞獨(dú)舞時(shí)，他偷偷看了裘德一眼，發(fā)現(xiàn)他身體微微前傾，一手托著下巴，非常專注地看著舞臺(tái)，當(dāng)威廉把手放在他的背上時(shí)，裘德驚跳起來(lái)?！皩?duì)不起?！蓖?dāng)時(shí)低聲說(shuō)?；丶液螅估锾稍诖采?，裘德一直很安靜。他很好奇他在想什么：他心煩嗎？渴望嗎？悲傷嗎？但是要裘德說(shuō)出他可能無(wú)法清楚表達(dá)的事情，好像太殘忍了，于是他沒(méi)再問(wèn)。
It was the middle of June by the time he returned to New York, and in bed Jude had looked at him, closely. “You have a ballet dancer’s body now,” he said, and the next day, he’d examined himself in the mirror and realized that Jude was correct. Later that week, they had dinner on the roof, which they and Richard and India had finally renovated, and which Richard and Jude had planted with grasses and fruit trees, and he had shown them some of what he’d learned, feeling his self-consciousness change to giddiness as he jetéed across the decked surface, his friends applauding behind him, the sun bleeding into nighttime above them.
等他回到紐約，已經(jīng)是六月中了。某天夜里在床上，裘德仔細(xì)地看著他說(shuō)：“你現(xiàn)在有芭蕾舞者的身體了?！贝稳眨阽R中打量自己，才明白裘德說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)。那星期稍晚，他們?cè)谖蓓敵酝聿停ㄋ麄兒屠聿榈隆⒂〉賮喗K于整修了屋頂，理查德和裘德在那里種了一些草和果樹(shù)），他秀了一些學(xué)到的舞步給他們看。當(dāng)他在屋頂?shù)钠脚_(tái)上跳躍時(shí)，覺(jué)得自己的難為情變成了一股暈眩。他的朋友在后面鼓掌，天空中血紅的太陽(yáng)正要沉入黑夜。
“Another hidden talent,” Richard had said afterward, and had smiled at him.
“又一項(xiàng)隱藏的才華?！崩聿榈驴赐旰笳f(shuō)，露出微笑。
“I know,” Jude had said, smiling at him, too. “Willem is full of surprises, even all these years later.”
“我知道。”裘德說(shuō)，也朝他微笑，“威廉真是充滿驚奇，即使認(rèn)識(shí)他那么多年了?！?
But they were all full of surprises, he had come to learn. When they were young, they had only their secrets to give one another: confessions were currency, and divulgences were a form of intimacy. Withholding the details of your life from your friends was considered first a sort of mystery and then a kind of stinginess, one that it was understood would preclude true friendship. “There’s something you’re not telling me, Willem,” JB would occasionally accuse him, and, “Are you keeping secrets from me? Don’t you trust me? I thought we were close.”
但他逐漸明白，他們?nèi)汲錆M驚奇。年輕時(shí)，他們能給彼此的只有秘密：告解就是他們的通行貨幣，透露是一種親密的形式。對(duì)好友隱瞞你人生的細(xì)節(jié)，一開(kāi)始會(huì)讓人覺(jué)得很神秘，然后會(huì)被視為某種吝嗇，還會(huì)阻礙真正的友誼?！巴行┦履銢](méi)告訴我喔。”杰比偶爾會(huì)指控他，又說(shuō)，“你有秘密瞞著我嗎？你不信任我嗎？我還以為我們很要好呢?！?
“We are, JB,” he’d said. “And I’m not keeping anything from you.” And he hadn’t been: there was nothing to keep. Of all of them, only Jude had secrets, real secrets, and while Willem had in the past been frustrated by what had seemed his unwillingness to reveal them, he had never felt that they weren’t close because of that; it had never impaired his ability to love him. It had been a difficult lesson for him to accept, this idea that he would never fully possess Jude, that he would love someone who would remain unknowable and inaccessible to him in fundamental ways.
“我們是很要好啊，杰比。”他會(huì)說(shuō)，“我沒(méi)有瞞著什么不說(shuō)啊?！笔钦娴模麤](méi)有什么好隱瞞的。他們四個(gè)之中，只有裘德有秘密，真正的秘密。盡管威廉以前也對(duì)裘德不肯透露秘密覺(jué)得不滿，但他從不覺(jué)得他們因此不要好；這件事從來(lái)不曾減損自己愛(ài)他的能力。這對(duì)他是艱難的一課，要去接受他永遠(yuǎn)無(wú)法完全了解裘德，接受他會(huì)愛(ài)上一個(gè)從根本上不可知、難以觸及的人。
And yet Jude was still being discovered by him, even thirty-four years after they had met, and he was still fascinated by what he saw. That July, for the first time, he invited him to Rosen Pritchard’s annual summer barbeque. “You don’t have to come, Willem,” Jude had added immediately after asking him. “It’s going to be really, really boring.”
即使認(rèn)識(shí)了三十四年，他依然能從裘德身上發(fā)現(xiàn)新的東西，而且一直對(duì)這些新的認(rèn)知深感著迷。那個(gè)七月，生平第一次，他受邀去參加羅森·普理查德律師事務(wù)所的夏日烤肉會(huì)?！澳悴皇欠侨ゲ豢桑?，”裘德問(wèn)過(guò)他之后，立刻補(bǔ)充，“那一定會(huì)非常、非常無(wú)聊?！?
