《渺小一生》:他不知道這個(gè)問(wèn)題的含義

　 “Give them a break, JB,” said Richard, mildly, as everyone else laughed, but he didn’t think Willem minded, and he certainly didn’t himself. After all, what did he care about anything but Willem?

“饒了他們吧，杰比?！崩聿榈螺p聲說(shuō)，其他人大笑起來(lái)，但他覺(jué)得威廉并不介意，他自己當(dāng)然也不介意。畢竟，除了威廉之外，其他事他才不在乎呢。

　 For a while he waits to see if Willem will say anything else. He wonders if he will have to have sex; he is still mostly unable to determine when Willem wants to and when he doesn’t—when an embrace will become something more invasive and unwanted—but he is always prepared for it to happen. It is—and he hates admitting this, hates thinking it, would never say it aloud—one of the very few things he anticipates about Willem’s departures: for those weeks or months that he is away, there is no sex, and he can finally relax.

這會(huì)兒他躺在床上，有好一會(huì)兒，他等著看威廉會(huì)不會(huì)再說(shuō)點(diǎn)別的。他很好奇他會(huì)不會(huì)想要做愛(ài)；大部分狀況下，他還是無(wú)法判定威廉什么時(shí)候想要、什么時(shí)候不想。他不知道什么時(shí)候擁抱會(huì)變成更具侵略性或他不想要的東西，但他總是做好準(zhǔn)備。雖然他不愿承認(rèn)、不愿去想，也永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)說(shuō)出來(lái)，但隨著威廉的離開(kāi)，這是極少數(shù)讓他期待的事情之一：威廉不在的那幾周或幾個(gè)月，就不會(huì)有性交，他終于可以放輕松了。

　 They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion), and Willem had waited for him for almost ten. During those months, he had been intensely aware that there was a clock somewhere counting itself down, and that although he didn’t know how much time he had left, he did know that as patient as Willem was, he wouldn’t be patient forever. Months before, when he had overheard Willem lie to JB about how amazing their sex life was, he had vowed to himself that he would tell Willem he was ready that night. But he had been too frightened, and had allowed himself to let the moment pass. A little more than a month after that, when they were on holiday in Southeast Asia, he once again promised himself he’d try, and once again, he had done nothing.

到現(xiàn)在，他們有性生活已經(jīng)十八個(gè)月了（他知道自己得停止計(jì)算時(shí)間，免得他的性生活好像某種刑期，而他努力要熬過(guò)去似的），之前威廉等了他將近十個(gè)月。在那十個(gè)月里，他一直強(qiáng)烈感覺(jué)到某個(gè)地方有個(gè)時(shí)鐘在倒數(shù)，盡管他不知道自己還剩多少時(shí)間，但他知道就連威廉這么有耐性的人，也不會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)等下去。幾個(gè)月前，他無(wú)意間聽(tīng)到威廉跟杰比撒謊說(shuō)他們的性生活很棒，他就向自己發(fā)誓當(dāng)天晚上要跟威廉說(shuō)他準(zhǔn)備好了。但是他太害怕了，最后還是讓那一刻過(guò)去了。之后過(guò)了一個(gè)多月，他們?cè)跂|南亞度假時(shí)，他再度向自己保證他會(huì)嘗試，但再一次，他還是什么都沒(méi)做。

　 And then it was January, and Willem had left for Texas to film Duets, and he had spent the weeks alone readying himself, and the night after Willem came home—he was still astonished that Willem had come back to him at all; astonished and ecstatic, so happy he had wanted to lean his head out the window and scream for no other reason but the improbability of it all—he had told Willem that he was ready.

接下來(lái)的一月，威廉去德州拍《二重唱》，他把那獨(dú)處的幾個(gè)星期用來(lái)心理建設(shè)，然后威廉回家的那一夜，他就告訴威廉他準(zhǔn)備好了——他還是很驚訝威廉居然會(huì)回到他身邊；他驚訝而狂喜，開(kāi)心得想把頭伸出窗外尖叫，不為了什么，只因?yàn)檫@一切實(shí)在太不可能了。

　 Willem had looked at him. “Are you sure?” he’d asked him.

威廉看著他?！澳愦_定嗎？”他問(wèn)他。

　 He wasn’t, of course. But he knew that if he wanted to be with Willem, he would have to do it eventually. “Yes,” he said.

他當(dāng)然不確定。但是他知道如果自己想跟威廉在一起，早晚都得做這件事?！按_定?！彼f(shuō)。

　 “Do you want to, really?” Willem asked next, still looking at him.

“你真的想做嗎？”威廉接下來(lái)又問(wèn)，還是看著他。

　 What was this, he wondered: Was this a challenge? Or was this a real question? It was better to be safe, he thought. So “Yes,” he said. “Of course I do,” and he knew by Willem’s smile that he’d chosen the correct answer.

他不知道這個(gè)問(wèn)題的含義：是個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)？或者真是個(gè)問(wèn)題？最好別冒險(xiǎn)，他心想。于是他說(shuō)：“想，我當(dāng)然想?！笨吹酵男θ?，他知道自己選擇了正確的答案。

　 But first he’d had to tell Willem about his diseases. “When you have sex in the future, you’d better make sure you always disclose beforehand,” one of the doctors in Philadelphia had told him, years ago. “You don’t want to be responsible for passing these on to someone else.” The doctor had been stern, and he had never forgotten the shame he had felt, nor the fear that he might share his filth with another. And so he had written down a speech for himself and recited it until he had it memorized, but the actual telling had been much more difficult than he had expected, and he had spoken so quietly that he’d had to repeat himself, which was somehow even worse. He had given this talk only once before, to Caleb, who had been silent and then had said in his low voice, “Jude St. Francis. A slut after all,” and he had made himself smile and agree. “College,” he had managed to say, and Caleb had smiled back at him, slightly.

但首先，他必須告訴威廉有關(guān)他的病?！拔磥?lái)如果你要性交，務(wù)必事先說(shuō)出你的病情。”多年前費(fèi)城的一個(gè)醫(yī)生曾這樣告訴他，“你不能把這些病傳染給其他人?！蹦莻€(gè)醫(yī)生態(tài)度很?chē)?yán)厲，他永遠(yuǎn)忘不了當(dāng)時(shí)所受到的羞辱，還有害別人跟他一樣骯臟的恐懼。于是他寫(xiě)下一篇說(shuō)詞背起來(lái)，但真要說(shuō)出口，比他預(yù)估的難太多了，而且他講得很小聲，中間很多地方都得重復(fù)。之前這套說(shuō)辭他只跟凱萊布講過(guò)一回。他聽(tīng)完沉默了一會(huì)兒，用他低沉的聲音說(shuō)：“裘德·圣弗朗西斯，原來(lái)是個(gè)小騷貨?！彼谱约何⑿Σ⑼??！按髮W(xué)嘛?！彼O(shè)法說(shuō)，凱萊布對(duì)他微微一笑。

　 Willem too had been silent, watching him, and had asked, “When did you get these, Jude?” and then, “I’m so sorry.”

威廉聽(tīng)了這篇說(shuō)辭也沉默了一會(huì)兒，看著他問(wèn)道：“你是什么時(shí)候得這些病的，裘德？”然后說(shuō)：“我很遺憾。”

　 They had been lying next to each other, Willem on his side, facing him, he on his back. “I had a lost year in D.C.,” he said at last, although that hadn’t been true, of course. But telling the truth would mean a longer conversation, and he wasn’t ready to have that conversation, not yet.

當(dāng)時(shí)他們一起躺在床上，威廉睡在他那一側(cè)，面向他，他則仰躺著?！拔以谌A盛頓的那一年迷失了?！弊詈笏K于說(shuō)。這當(dāng)然不是實(shí)話(huà)，但講實(shí)話(huà)就得跟威廉談更多，而他還沒(méi)準(zhǔn)備好。

　 “Jude, I’m sorry,” Willem had said, and had reached for him. “Will you tell me about it?”

“裘德，我很遺憾，”威廉說(shuō)，伸手擁住他，“你可以告訴我發(fā)生了什么事嗎？”

　 “No,” he’d said, stubbornly. “I think we should do it. Now.” He had already prepared himself. Another day of waiting wasn’t going to change things, and he would only lose his nerve.

“不，”他固執(zhí)地說(shuō)，“我想我們?cè)撟隽?，就是現(xiàn)在?！彼呀?jīng)準(zhǔn)備好了，再等一天也不會(huì)有所改變，只會(huì)讓他失去勇氣而已。

　 So they had. A large part of him had hoped, expected even, that things would be different with Willem, that he would, finally, enjoy the process. But once it had begun, he could feel every bad old sensation returning. He tried to direct his attention to how this time was clearly better: how Willem was more gentle than Caleb had been, how he didn’t get impatient with him, how it was, after all, Willem, someone he loved. But when it was over, there was the same shame, the same nausea, the same desire to hurt himself, to scoop out his insides and hurl them against the wall with a bloody thwack.

于是他們做了。一大部分的他希望、甚至期盼跟威廉做情況會(huì)有不同，自己終能享受這個(gè)過(guò)程。但從一開(kāi)始，他就感覺(jué)到昔日每一種惡劣的感官知覺(jué)都回來(lái)了。他設(shè)法專(zhuān)注地想這一回顯然好很多：威廉比凱萊布溫柔，對(duì)他沒(méi)有任何不耐煩，畢竟威廉是他深?lèi)?ài)的人。但結(jié)束后，他還是有同樣的羞愧、同樣的反胃、同樣想自殘的渴望，想把五臟六腑都掏出來(lái)，朝墻壁上狠狠摔過(guò)去，摔成一片血淋淋的。

　 “Was it okay?” Willem asked, quietly, and he turned and looked at Willem’s face, which he loved so much.

“還好嗎？”威廉低聲問(wèn)。他轉(zhuǎn)頭看著威廉的臉，他深?lèi)?ài)的那張臉啊。

　 “Yes,” he said. Maybe, he thought, it would be better the next time. And then, the next time, when it had been the same, he thought it might be better the time after that. Every time, he hoped things would be different. Every time, he told himself it would be. The sorrow he felt when he realized that even Willem couldn’t save him, that he was irredeemable, that this experience was forever ruined for him, was one of the greatest of his life.

“還好?！彼f(shuō)。他心想，或許下回會(huì)好一點(diǎn)。然后，下一回還是一樣，他就想著再下一回可能會(huì)好一點(diǎn)。每一回，他都希望狀況有所不同。每一回，他都告訴自己會(huì)好轉(zhuǎn)。當(dāng)他明白就連威廉也救不了他，自己已經(jīng)無(wú)藥可救，這種經(jīng)驗(yàn)對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)已經(jīng)永遠(yuǎn)毀掉時(shí)，他陷入一生難得的深沉哀傷。

　 Eventually, he made some rules for himself. First, he would never refuse Willem, ever. If this was what Willem wanted, he could have it, and he would never turn him away. Willem had sacrificed so much to be with him, and had brought him such peace, that he was determined to try to thank him however he could. Second, he would try—as Brother Luke had once asked him—to show a little life, a little enthusiasm. Toward the end of his time with Caleb, he had begun reverting to what he had done all his life: Caleb would turn him over, and pull down his pants, and he would lie there and wait. Now, with Willem, he tried to remember Brother Luke’s commands, which he had always obeyed—Roll over; Now make some noise; Now tell me you like it—and incorporate them when he could, so he would seem like an active participant. He hoped his competency would somehow conceal his lack of enthusiasm, and as Willem slept, he made himself remember the lessons that Brother Luke taught him, lessons he had spent his adulthood trying to forget. He knew Willem was surprised by his fluency: he, who had always remained silent when the others had bragged about what they’d done in bed, or what they hoped to; he, who could and did tolerate every conversation his friends had about the subject but had never engaged in them himself.

最后，他為自己訂下幾條規(guī)則。第一，他絕對(duì)不會(huì)拒絕威廉。如果這是威廉想要的，那就給他，他絕對(duì)不會(huì)拒絕。威廉為了跟他在一起犧牲了那么多，又帶給他莫大的平靜，他決定盡力感謝他。第二，他會(huì)試著表現(xiàn)出一點(diǎn)生氣和熱忱，一如盧克修士一度要求他的。和凱萊布交往的末期，他開(kāi)始回復(fù)到這輩子的慣常習(xí)性：凱萊布讓他翻身，拉下他的長(zhǎng)褲，他就躺在那里等待。而現(xiàn)在，跟威廉在一起，他試著回憶盧克修士的命令（他向來(lái)都乖乖遵從）——翻身；現(xiàn)在發(fā)出一點(diǎn)聲音；現(xiàn)在告訴我你喜歡這樣——然后盡量把這些納入過(guò)程中，這樣他就會(huì)像個(gè)積極的參與者。他希望技巧多少能掩飾他缺乏熱忱。威廉睡著時(shí)，他會(huì)逼自己回憶盧克修士教過(guò)他的，而那是他成年后一直設(shè)法忘掉的。他知道威廉對(duì)他的熟練很驚訝。他向來(lái)保持沉默，聽(tīng)其他人吹噓自己的床上功夫，或是他們希望在床上做些什么；他總是有辦法忍受朋友們關(guān)于性事的種種對(duì)話(huà)，自己卻從來(lái)不加入。

　 The third rule was that he would initiate sex once for every three times Willem did, so it didn’t seem so uneven. And fourth, whatever Willem wanted him to do, he would do. This is Willem, he would remind himself, again and again. This is someone who would never intentionally hurt you. Whatever he asks you to do is within reason.

第三條規(guī)則，威廉每主動(dòng)三次，他也會(huì)主動(dòng)一次，免得太不對(duì)等。第四，無(wú)論威廉希望他做什么，他都會(huì)做。他一次又一次提醒自己，這是威廉。這個(gè)人絕對(duì)不會(huì)故意傷害你。無(wú)論他要求你做什么，都是合理的。

　 But then he would see Brother Luke’s face before him. You trusted him, too, the voice nagged him. You thought he was protecting you, too.

但接著他眼前會(huì)浮現(xiàn)盧克修士的臉。你也信賴(lài)過(guò)他，那聲音糾纏著他。你以前也以為他在保護(hù)你。

　 How dare you, he would argue with the voice. How dare you compare Willem to Brother Luke.

你居然敢，他跟那聲音爭(zhēng)辯，你居然敢拿威廉跟盧克修士比。