《渺小一生》:“威廉不是專業(yè)醫(yī)療人員！”

　 In the first, raw weeks after Jude had gotten out of the hospital, Willem used to go into his room at odd hours to give himself confirmation that Jude was there, and alive. Back then, Jude slept constantly, and he would sometimes sit on the end of his bed, staring at him and feeling a sort of horrible wonder that he was still with them at all. He would think: If Richard had found him just twenty minutes later, Jude would have been dead. About a month after Jude had been released, Willem had been at the drugstore and had seen a box cutter hanging on the rack—such a medieval, cruel instrument, it seemed—and had almost burst into tears: Andy had told him that the emergency room surgeon had said Jude’s had been the deepest, most decisive self-inflicted incisions he had ever seen in his career. He had always known that Jude was troubled, but he was awestruck, almost, by how little he knew him, by the depths of his determination to harm himself.

裘德剛出院的那幾個星期，威廉總是不定時地走進(jìn)他的房間，好確定裘德在里頭，還活著。當(dāng)時裘德一直在睡覺，他有時會坐在床沿凝視著他，因?yàn)樗€活著而感到一種恐怖的驚奇。他會想：要是理查德晚二十分鐘發(fā)現(xiàn)他，裘德就死了。裘德出院后大約一個月，威廉去藥妝店買東西，看到架子上掛著一把美工刀，感覺那似乎是非常老式、殘忍的工具，他差點(diǎn)當(dāng)場飆淚。安迪告訴過他，當(dāng)初急診室的外科醫(yī)生說，他這輩子沒見過有人像裘德這樣在自己身上割出這么深、這么堅(jiān)決的傷口。他一直知道裘德很煩惱，但此時他才驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)，原來自己對裘德了解這么少，原來裘德傷害自己的決心這么深。

　 He felt that he had in some ways learned more about Jude in the past year than he had in the past twenty-six, and each new thing he learned was awful: Jude’s stories were the kinds of stories that he was unequipped to answer, because so many of them were unanswerable. The story of the scar on the back of his hand—that had been the one that had begun it—had been so terrible that Willem had stayed up that night, unable to sleep, and had seriously contemplated calling Harold, just to be able to have someone else share the story with him, to be speechless alongside him.

他覺得就某些方面而言，他過去這一年對裘德的了解，超過以往二十六年的總和，而且他發(fā)現(xiàn)的每一件新事物都很可怕：裘德的故事是他沒有能力回應(yīng)的，因?yàn)槠渲杏刑喔緵]法解答。他手背上那個疤的故事（最開始的故事）恐怖得讓威廉整夜睡不著，還認(rèn)真考慮要打電話給哈羅德，只為了講給某個人聽，讓某個人陪著他一起啞口無言。

　 The next day he couldn’t stop himself from staring at Jude’s hand, and Jude had finally drawn his sleeve over it. “You’re making me self-conscious,” he said.

次日，他忍不住總瞪著裘德的那只手看。裘德最后拉下袖子遮住手背。“你讓我很尷尬。”他說。

　 “I’m sorry,” he’d said.

“對不起?！彼f。

　 Jude had sighed. “Willem, I’m not going to tell you these stories if you’re going to react like this,” he said, finally. “It’s okay, it really is. It was a long time ago. I never think about it.” He paused. “I don’t want you to look at me differently if I tell you these things.”

裘德嘆氣?！巴?，如果你的反應(yīng)是這樣，我就不打算把那些故事告訴你了，”裘德終于說，“沒關(guān)系，真的。那是很久以前的事了。我后來都沒再想了?！濒玫掠謺和Ｒ幌?，“如果我告訴你這些事，我不希望你看我的眼光有什么不一樣?！?

　 He’d taken a deep breath. “No,” he said. “You’re right. You’re right.” And so now when he listened to these stories of Jude’s, he was careful not to say anything, to make small, nonjudgmental noises, as if all his friends had been whipped with a belt soaked in vinegar until they had passed out or been made to eat their own vomit off the floor, as if those were normal rites of childhood. But despite these stories, he still knew nothing: He still didn’t know who Brother Luke was. He still didn’t know anything except isolated stories about the monastery, or the home. He still didn’t know how Jude had made it to Philadelphia or what had happened to him there. And he still didn’t know the story about the injury. But if Jude was beginning with the easier stories, he now knew enough to know that those stories, if he ever heard them, would be horrific. He almost didn’t want to know.

他當(dāng)時深吸一口氣?！安粫?，”他說，“你說得沒錯，一點(diǎn)也沒錯。”所以現(xiàn)在他聽裘德說那些故事時，就很小心什么都不要說，不要發(fā)出任何細(xì)小的、非批判性的聲響，好像他所有的朋友都曾被浸過醋的皮帶抽打到暈死過去，或曾經(jīng)被迫吃掉地板上自己的嘔吐物，好像那些都是正常的童年儀式。但除了這些故事，他還是一無所知，他還是不知道盧克修士是誰。除了修道院或少年之家?guī)讉€獨(dú)立的故事之外，他還是什么都不知道。他還是不明白裘德是怎么去到費(fèi)城，他在那里發(fā)生了什么事。他還是不知道他車禍?zhǔn)軅墓适?。如果裘德是從比較不難受的故事開始講，那么現(xiàn)在他聽了那么多，知道他沒說出來的故事必定更駭人。他幾乎不想知道了。

　 The stories had been part of a compromise when Jude had made it clear that he wouldn’t go to Dr. Loehmann. Andy had been stopping by most Friday nights, and he came over one evening shortly after Jude had returned to Rosen Pritchard. As Andy examined Jude in his bedroom, Willem made everyone drinks, which they had on the sofa, the lights low and the sky outside grainy with snow.

這些故事也算是某種妥協(xié)，因?yàn)轸玫卤砻魉粫渎t(yī)生那做心理咨詢了。安迪大都是周五晚上過來，而裘德剛回羅森·普理查德上班后不久，安迪有天傍晚上門，在裘德的臥室?guī)退麢z查，威廉去調(diào)酒，然后大家坐在沙發(fā)上喝。當(dāng)時燈光被調(diào)暗了，外頭的天空飄著雪。

　 “Sam Loehmann says you haven’t called him,” Andy said. “Jude—this is bullshit. You’ve got to call him. This was part of the deal.”

“山姆·婁曼說你還沒打電話給他，”安迪說，“裘德，這樣太扯了。你得打電話給他。這是原先講好的?！?

　 “Andy, I’ve told you,” Jude said, “I’m not going.” Willem was pleased, then, to hear that Jude’s stubbornness had returned, even though he disagreed with him. Two months ago, when they had been in Morocco, he had looked up from his plate at dinner to see Jude staring at the dishes of mezze before him, unable to serve himself any of them. “Jude?” he’d asked, and Jude had looked at him, his face fearful. “I don’t know how to begin,” he’d said, quietly, and so Willem had reached over and spooned a little from each dish onto Jude’s plate, and told him to start with the scoop of stewed eggplant at the top and eat his way clockwise through the rest of it.

“安迪，我跟你說過了，”裘德說，“我不會去的。”威廉雖然不贊同，但很高興聽到裘德恢復(fù)了昔日的頑固。兩個月前他們在摩洛哥，他晚餐吃到一半時抬頭，看到裘德瞪著眼前一碟碟當(dāng)?shù)氐膫鹘y(tǒng)小菜，沒辦法夾菜吃?！棒玫?？”他問，而裘德看著他，一臉害怕?！拔也恢酪獜哪睦镩_始。”他小聲說，于是威廉伸手用湯匙在每一碟菜里都舀了一匙，放在裘德的盤子上，然后告訴他從最頂端的那勺燉茄子吃起，接著順時針吃其他的菜。

　 “You have to do something,” Andy said. He could tell Andy was trying to remain calm, and failing, and that too he found heartening: a sign of a certain return to normalcy. “Willem thinks so too, right, Willem? You can’t just keep going on like this! You’ve had a major trauma in your life! You have to start discussing things with someone!”

“你一定得做點(diǎn)什么。”安迪說。他看得出安迪設(shè)法保持冷靜，但是失敗了，這也讓他覺得被鼓舞了，因?yàn)檫@是某種恢復(fù)正常的表示?！巴策@樣想的，對吧，威廉？你不能繼續(xù)這樣下去！你的人生有個大創(chuàng)傷！你得開始找個人討論才行！”

　 “Fine,” said Jude, looking tired. “I’ll tell Willem.”

“好啦，”裘德說，一臉疲倦，“我會告訴威廉?！?

　 “Willem’s not a health-care professional!” said Andy. “He’s an actor!” And at that, Jude had looked at him and the two of them had started laughing, so hard that they had to put their drinks down, and Andy had finally stood and said that they were both so immature he didn’t know why he bothered and had left, Jude trying to call after him—“Andy! We’re sorry! Don’t leave!”—but laughing too hard to be intelligible. It was the first time in months—the first time since even before the attempt—that he had heard Jude laugh.

“威廉不是專業(yè)醫(yī)療人員！”安迪說，“他是演員！”聽到這里，裘德看著他，兩個人開始大笑，笑得他們得放下飲料。安迪最后站起來說他們兩個都太幼稚了，他不懂自己干嗎要操這個心，然后就離開了。裘德還在后頭喊他：“安迪！對不起！不要走！”但他笑得太厲害，根本講不清楚話。這是他幾個月來頭一次（甚至從裘德企圖自殺之前算起）聽到裘德的笑聲。

　 Later, when they had recovered, Jude had said, “I thought I might, you know, Willem—start telling you things sometimes. But do you mind? Is it going to be a burden?” And he had said of course it wouldn’t be, that he wanted to know. He had always wanted to know, but he didn’t say this; he knew it would sound like criticism.

稍后，等他們恢復(fù)過來，裘德說：“威廉，我想我可能，呃，偶爾會告訴你一些事情。但是你介意嗎？這樣會是負(fù)擔(dān)嗎？”他說當(dāng)然不介意，說他想知道。其實(shí)他一直想知道，只是沒說出來。他知道這話聽起來像是責(zé)備。

　 But as much as he was able to convince himself that Jude had returned to himself, he was also able to recognize that he had been changed. Some of these changes were, he thought, good ones: the talking, for example. And some of them were sad ones: although his hands were much stronger, and although it was less and less frequent, they still shook occasionally, and he knew Jude was embarrassed by it. And he was more skittish than ever about being touched, especially, Willem noticed, by Harold; a month ago, when Harold had visited, Jude had practically danced out of the way to keep Harold from hugging him. He had felt bad for Harold, seeing the expression on his face, and so had gone over and hugged him himself. “You know he can’t help it,” he told Harold quietly, and Harold had kissed him on the cheek. “You’re a sweet man, Willem,” he’d said.

他可以說服自己裘德已經(jīng)恢復(fù)了原狀，但他也看得出來他改變了。他覺得其中一些改變是好的：比如他愿意談自己的過去了。有些改變則不太好：雖然裘德的手強(qiáng)壯多了，顫抖的頻率也越來越低，但偶爾還是會顫抖，而且他知道裘德因此而感到難為情。另外，裘德比以前更怕被人碰觸，威廉注意到，尤其是哈羅德；一個月前，哈羅德來訪時，裘德幾乎是手舞足蹈地躲開哈羅德的擁抱。他看到哈羅德臉上的表情，很替他難過，于是走過去擁抱他：“你知道他不是故意的?！彼吐晫_德說。哈羅德吻了一下他的臉頰，“威廉，你真是體貼?！彼f。

　 Now it was October, thirteen months after the attempt. During the evening he was at the theater; two months after his run ended in December, he’d start shooting his first project since he returned from Sri Lanka, an adaptation of Uncle Vanya that he was excited about and was being filmed in the Hudson Valley: he’d be able to come home every night.

現(xiàn)在是十月，離裘德企圖自殺已經(jīng)過了十三個月。晚上他在戲院演舞臺劇，要演到十二月，然后他會拍從斯里蘭卡回來后的第一部電影，改編自契訶夫的劇作《凡尼亞舅舅》。他很興奮，而且這部電影將在哈德遜河谷拍攝，這樣他每天晚上都可以回家。

　 Not that the location was a coincidence. “Keep me in New York,” he’d instructed his manager and his agent after he’d dropped out of the film in Russia the previous fall.

這個拍攝地點(diǎn)不是巧合?！拔乙粼诩~約工作?！弊詮乃耙荒昵锾焱顺瞿遣恳诙砹_斯拍攝的電影后，他就這樣交代私人經(jīng)理和經(jīng)紀(jì)人。

　 “For how long?” asked Kit, his agent.

“要多久？”他的經(jīng)紀(jì)人基特問。

　 “I don’t know,” he’d said. “At least the next year.”

“不知道，”他說，“至少到明年吧?！?

　 “Willem,” Kit had said, after a silence, “I understand how close you and Jude are. But don’t you think you should take advantage of the momentum you have? You could do whatever you wanted.” He was referring to The Iliad and The Odyssey, which had both been enormous successes, proof, Kit liked to point out, that he could do anything he wanted now. “From what I know of Jude, he’d say the same thing.” And then, when he didn’t say anything, “It’s not like this is your wife, or kid, or something. This is your friend.”

“威廉，”基特沉默了一會兒說，“我知道你和裘德有多親，但你不覺得你應(yīng)該好好利用眼前的聲勢嗎？你現(xiàn)在可以演任何你想演的角色了?！彼傅氖恰兑晾麃喬亍泛汀秺W德賽》，兩部都非常成功；就像基特指出的，他現(xiàn)在可以演任何他想演的戲了。“以我對裘德的了解，他也會說同樣的話?！被乜此麤]吭聲，便又說道，“這又不是你的老婆、小孩或什么。這是你的朋友啊。”

　 “You mean ‘just your friend,’ ” he’d said, testily. Kit was Kit; he thought like an agent, and he trusted how Kit thought—he had been with him since the beginning of his career; he tried not to fight with him. And Kit had always guided him well. “No fat, no filler,” he liked to brag about Willem’s career, reviewing the history of his roles. They both knew that Kit was far more ambitious for him than he was—he always had been. And yet it had been Kit who’d gotten him on the first flight out of Sri Lanka after Richard had called him; Kit who’d had the producers shut down production for seven days so he could fly to New York and back.

“你的意思是‘只是你的朋友’?！彼荒蜔┑卣f?；鼐褪沁@樣，向來用經(jīng)紀(jì)人的立場思考，他也信任基特的想法——他在演員生涯一開始就跟他合作；他盡量不跟他爭執(zhí)。而基特一直很會指引他?！皬牟蛔⑺瑥牟获R虎?！彼矚g這樣炫耀威廉的演員生涯，評論他演過的角色。他們都知道基特遠(yuǎn)比他自己更有野心，向來如此。然而，當(dāng)初理查德打電話給他時，也是基特讓他搭上第一班離開斯里蘭卡的飛機(jī)，還讓制作人停工七天，好讓他飛回紐約再飛回去。