《渺小一生》:“我想我穿錯(cuò)衣服了。”

　 He knew, of course, that he would work again: he had to believe it. Every actor did. Acting was a form of grifting, and once you stopped believing you could, so did everyone else. But he still liked having Jude reassure him; he liked knowing he had somewhere to go just in case it really did end. Once in a while, when he was feeling particularly, uncharacteristically self-pitying, he would think of what he would do if it ended: he thought he might work with disabled children. He would be good at it, and he would enjoy it. He could see himself walking home from an elementary school he imagined might be on the Lower East Side, west to SoHo, toward Greene Street. His apartment would be gone, of course, sold to pay for his master’s program in education (in this dream, all the millions he’d earned, all the millions he had never spent, had somehow vanished), and he would be living in Jude’s apartment, as if the past two decades had never happened at all.

當(dāng)然，他知道自己還是接得到工作，他一定得相信這點(diǎn)。每個(gè)演員都相信。表演是一種詐騙的形式，一旦你無法相信自己做得到，其他人也不會(huì)相信了。但他還是希望裘德向他保證，他希望萬一真的沒辦法演戲時(shí)，還有個(gè)地方可以去。每隔一陣子，當(dāng)他覺得異常且變得格外自憐自艾時(shí)，就會(huì)想著以后如果演不了戲，那要做什么，他覺得自己或許可以去教殘障兒童。他會(huì)做得很好，而且樂在其中。他可以預(yù)見自己從一所小學(xué)走路回家，從他想象中位于下東區(qū)的學(xué)校，往西走回蘇荷區(qū)的格林街。當(dāng)然，到時(shí)候他會(huì)賣掉自己的公寓，去讀教育碩士（在這個(gè)夢里，他以前賺來的幾百萬，從來不敢花掉的那幾百萬，全都神奇地消失了），而他會(huì)住在裘德的公寓里，仿佛過去二十年都被徹底抹去。

　 But after The Sycamore Court, these mopey fantasies had diminished in frequency, and he spent the latter half of his thirty-seventh year feeling closer to confidence than he ever had before. Something had shifted; something had cemented; somewhere his name had been tapped into stone. He would always have work; he could rest for a bit if he wanted to.

但是《梧桐法院》之后，這些喪氣的幻想出現(xiàn)得比較少了。在37歲這一年的下半年，他比以往更有自信了。有些情況起了根本的改變，變得更鞏固了，他的名字仿佛被刻在石頭上。他永遠(yuǎn)都會(huì)有工作；如果他想要的話，可以休息一下了。

　 It was September, and he was coming back from a shoot and about to embark upon a European publicity tour; he had one day in the city, just one, and Jude told him he’d take him anywhere he wanted. They’d see each other, they’d have lunch, and then he’d get back into the car and go straight to the airport for the flight to London. It had been so long since he had been in New York, and he really wanted to go somewhere cheap and downtown and homey, like the Vietnamese noodle place they had gone to when they were in their twenties, but he instead picked a French restaurant known for its seafood in midtown so Jude wouldn’t have to travel far.

那是九月，他剛結(jié)束一部片子的拍攝工作，立刻又要出發(fā)去歐洲宣傳新片；他只能回紐約待一天，裘德跟他說他想去哪里他都配合，他們會(huì)見面，吃個(gè)午餐，然后他就要上車直接到機(jī)場趕飛機(jī)到倫敦。他好久沒回紐約了，真的很想在下城找家有家庭氣氛的便宜小館子，就像他們二十幾歲那幾年常去的越鄉(xiāng)餐館，但他最后挑了中城一家以海鮮聞名的法國餐廳，這樣裘德就不必跑太遠(yuǎn)了。

　 The restaurant was filled with businessmen, the kinds of people who telegraphed their wealth and power with the cut of their suits and the subtlety of their watches: you had to be wealthy and powerful yourself in order to understand what was being communicated. To everyone else, they were men in gray suits, indistinguishable from one another. The hostess brought him to Jude, who was there already, waiting, and when Jude stood, he reached over and hugged him very close, which he knew Jude didn’t like but which he had recently decided he would start doing anyway. They stood there, holding each other, surrounded on either side by gray-suited men, until he released Jude and they sat.

那家餐廳里坐滿了企業(yè)家，就是會(huì)以西裝剪裁和手表的精巧無聲地傳達(dá)富有和權(quán)力的那種人，你必須很有錢、很有權(quán)力，才能了解他們傳達(dá)的內(nèi)容。對其他人來說，他們只是一些穿灰色西裝的男人，看起來都一樣。帶位的女侍帶著他就座，裘德已經(jīng)先到了，正在等他。看到裘德站起來，他上前緊緊擁住他，雖然知道裘德不喜歡這樣，但他最近決定反正遲早要這樣做。他們站在那里，彼此相擁，左右環(huán)繞著灰西裝男子，然后他放開裘德，兩人坐下。

　 “Did I embarrass you enough?” he asked him, and Jude smiled and shook his head.

“我讓你夠?qū)擂瘟藛幔俊彼麊桇玫?，裘德笑著搖搖頭。

　 There were so many things to discuss in so little time that Jude had actually written an agenda on the back of a receipt, which he had laughed at when he had seen it but which they ended up following fairly closely. Between Topic Five (Malcolm’s wedding: What were they going to say in their toasts?) and Topic Six (the progression of the Greene Street apartment, which was being gutted), he had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and as he walked back to the table, he had the unsettling feeling that he was being watched. He was of course used to being appraised and inspected, but there was something different about the quality of this attention, its intensity and hush, and for the first time in a long time, he was self-conscious, aware of the fact that he was wearing jeans and not a suit, and that he clearly didn’t belong. He became aware, in fact, that everyone was wearing a suit, and he was the only one not.

他們要談的事情很多，時(shí)間又那么短，裘德還在一張收據(jù)背面寫了一份討論順序列表，他看了大笑，不過他們大致上就照著談。就在討論完第五項(xiàng)（馬爾科姆的婚禮：他們祝酒時(shí)要說什么？）、正要討論第六項(xiàng)（格林街公寓的整修進(jìn)度，當(dāng)時(shí)里頭正在拆）時(shí)，他起身去洗手間，走回來時(shí)，有種被人注視的不安。他當(dāng)然很習(xí)慣被人盯著看，但這回感覺有點(diǎn)不太一樣，那種打量眼光的強(qiáng)度和沉默，讓他好久以來頭一次難為情，他意識到自己穿著牛仔褲而非西裝，顯然跟這里格格不入。事實(shí)上，他忽然發(fā)現(xiàn)每個(gè)人都穿著西裝，他是唯一沒穿的人。

　 “I think I’m wearing the wrong thing,” he said quietly to Jude as he sat back down. “Everyone’s staring.”

“我想我穿錯(cuò)衣服了?！彼刈蟮吐暩玫抡f，“大家都瞪著我看?！?

　 “They’re not staring at you because of what you’re wearing,” Jude said. “They’re staring at you because you’re famous.”

“他們瞪著你看，不是因?yàn)槟愦┑囊路濒玫抡f，“而是你很有名?！?

　 He shook his head. “To you and literally dozens of other people, maybe.”

他搖頭：“對你和幾十個(gè)人來說，或許吧?！?

　 “No, Willem,” Jude had said. “You are.” He smiled at him. “Why do you think they didn’t make you wear a jacket? They don’t let just anyone waltz in here who’s not in corporate mufti. And why do you think they keep bringing over all these appetizers? It’s not because of me, I guarantee you.” Now he laughed. “Why did you choose this place anyway? I thought you were going to pick somewhere downtown.”

“不，威廉，”裘德說，“你真的很有名?！彼麑λ⑿Γ安蝗荒阋詾樗麄?yōu)槭裁礇]拿西裝外套借你穿？他們可不會(huì)隨便讓沒穿正裝的人走進(jìn)來的。而且你以為他們?yōu)槭裁匆恢彼瓦@些開胃小菜上來？我跟你保證，可不是因?yàn)槲??！闭f到這里，裘德大笑起來，“不過你干嗎挑這里呢？我以為你會(huì)挑個(gè)下城的小店?！?

　 He groaned. “I heard the crudo was good. And what do you mean: Is there a dress code here?”

他咕噥著抱怨：“我聽說這里的腌漬生魚不錯(cuò)。還有你剛剛說那個(gè)是什么意思，這里有服裝規(guī)定嗎？”

　 Jude smiled again and was about to answer when one of the discreet gray-suited men came over to them and, vividly embarrassed, apologized for interrupting them. “I just wanted to say that I loved The Sycamore Court,” he said. “I’m a big fan.” Willem thanked him, and the man, who was older, in his fifties, was about to say something else when he saw Jude and blinked, clearly recognizing him, and stared at him for a bit, obviously recategorizing Jude in his head, refiling what he knew about him. He opened his mouth and shut it and then apologized again as he left, Jude smiling serenely at him the entire time.

裘德再度微笑，正要回答，那些舉止合宜的灰西裝男子之一走向他們，顯然很抱歉打斷他們?！拔抑皇窍敫阏f，我很喜歡《梧桐法院》，”他說，“我是大粉絲。”威廉謝謝他。那位五十來歲的男子正要再說些什么，此時(shí)看到了裘德，眨眨眼，明顯認(rèn)出他是誰，又瞪著他一會(huì)兒，顯然在腦袋里將裘德重新歸類，把對他的認(rèn)識重新歸檔。那男子張開嘴巴，然后又閉上，離開前再度道歉，從頭到尾，裘德只是平靜地看著他微笑。

　 “Well, well,” said Jude, after the man had hurried away. “That was the head of the litigation department of one of the biggest firms in the city. And, apparently, an admirer of yours.” He grinned at Willem. “Now are you convinced you’re famous?”

“哎呀呀，”裘德說，看到那男人匆匆離開，“那是全紐約最大事務(wù)所之一的訴訟部門主管，而且顯然是你的仰慕者?！彼麑ν肿煨α耍艾F(xiàn)在你相信你很有名了吧？”

　 “If the benchmark for fame is being recognized by twentysomething female RISD graduates and aging closet cases, then yes,” he said, and the two of them started snickering, childishly, until they were both able to compose themselves again.

“如果名氣的基準(zhǔn)是被二十幾歲的羅得島藝術(shù)學(xué)院女研究生或沒出柜的老先生認(rèn)出來，那么沒錯(cuò)?！彼f。兩個(gè)人開始偷笑，像小孩子似的，笑了半天才有辦法平靜下來。

　 Jude looked at him. “Only you could be on magazine covers and not think you’re famous,” he said, fondly. But Willem wasn’t anywhere real when those magazine covers came out; he was on set. On set, everyone acted like they were famous.

裘德看著他，“只有你才會(huì)上了雜志封面，還不認(rèn)為自己有名?！彼錆M關(guān)愛地說。但那些雜志封面上架時(shí)，威廉并不在真實(shí)世界，而是在拍片現(xiàn)場。在拍片現(xiàn)場，每個(gè)人的舉止都一副自己很有名的樣子。

　 “It’s different,” he told Jude. “I can’t explain it.” But later, in the car to the airport, he realized what the difference was. Yes, he was used to being looked at. But he was only really used to being looked at by certain kinds of people in certain kinds of rooms—people who wanted to sleep with him, or who wanted to talk to him because it might help their own careers, or people for whom the simple fact that he was recognizable was enough to trigger something hungry and frantic in them, to crave being in his presence. He wasn’t, however, accustomed to being looked at by people who had other things to do, who had bigger and more important matters to worry about than an actor in New York. Actors in New York: they were everywhere. The only time men with power ever looked at him was at premieres, when he was being presented to the studio head and they were shaking his hand and making small talk even as he could see them examining him, calculating how well he’d tested and how much they’d paid for him and how much the film would have to earn in order for them to look at him more closely.

“不一樣的，”他告訴裘德，“我沒辦法解釋?！钡院?，在前往機(jī)場的車上，他明白是哪里不一樣了。沒錯(cuò)，他習(xí)慣被注視。但他真正習(xí)慣的，是被某種類型的人在某種特定的地方注視，比方想跟他上床的人，或者想跟他談話、因其有助于自己事業(yè)的人，或是對某些人來說，光是認(rèn)得出他這個(gè)簡單的事實(shí)，就足以觸發(fā)他們心中某種饑渴和狂亂，讓他們渴望來跟他打招呼。然而，他不習(xí)慣被其他有事可做、有比和一個(gè)紐約演員打招呼更重大的事要操心的人盯著看。紐約到處都是演員。有權(quán)力的人會(huì)盯著他看的唯一時(shí)刻，就是他在電影首映會(huì)上被介紹給片廠主管時(shí)，他們會(huì)握手寒暄，而他看得出那些片廠主管在打量他，計(jì)算他的得分、他們付了多少錢給他，還有這部電影因?yàn)檎埶麃硌荼仨氋嵍嗌馘X。

　 Perversely, though, as this began happening more and more—he would enter a room, a restaurant, a building, and would feel, just for a second, a slight collective pause—he also began realizing that he could turn his own visibility on and off. If he walked into a restaurant expecting to be recognized, he always was. And if he walked in expecting not to be, he rarely was. He was never able to determine what, exactly, beyond his simply willing it, made the difference. But it worked; it was why, six years after that lunch, he was able to walk through much of SoHo in plain sight, more or less, after he moved in with Jude.

很違反常理的是，當(dāng)這種情況越來越常發(fā)生（他走進(jìn)一個(gè)房間、一家餐廳、一棟建筑物時(shí)，就會(huì)感覺到大家同時(shí)暫停，雖然只有一秒鐘），他也開始明白，他可以把自己的能見度打開或關(guān)上。如果他走進(jìn)餐廳時(shí)期待被認(rèn)出來，通常就會(huì)。如果他走路時(shí)不想有人打擾，的確很少被認(rèn)出來。他始終無法判定，除了自己的意愿之外，到底是什么讓這種能見度改變。但反正有用，這就是為什么，在那頓午餐過后六年，他搬去跟裘德住，多多少少可以在蘇荷區(qū)大部分地方走來走去。

　 He had been at Greene Street since Jude got home from his suicide attempt, and as the months passed, he found that he was migrating more and more of his things—first his clothes, then his laptop, then his boxes of books and his favorite woolen blanket that he liked to wrap about himself and shuffle around in as he made his morning coffee: his life was so itinerant that there really wasn’t much else he needed or owned—to his old bedroom. A year later, he was living there still. He’d woken late one morning and made himself some coffee (he’d had to bring his coffeemaker as well, because Jude didn’t have one), and had meandered sleepily about the apartment, noticing as if for the first time that somehow his books were now on Jude’s shelves, and the pieces of art he’d brought over were hanging on Jude’s walls. When had this happened? He couldn’t quite remember, but it felt right; it felt right that he should be back here.

自從裘德自殺未遂回家后，他一直住在格林街。幾個(gè)月過去，他發(fā)現(xiàn)他把越來越多的東西搬到他以前的臥室——一開始是他的衣服，然后是筆記本電腦，然后是幾箱書和他最喜歡的羊毛毯，早上起床去沖咖啡時(shí)，他喜歡把那毯子裹在身上晃來晃去。他總是東奔西跑，所以他其實(shí)不需要或擁有太多東西。一年后，他還住在那里。某天早上他很晚才醒來，給自己沖了咖啡（他也得把咖啡機(jī)帶過來，因?yàn)轸玫聸]有咖啡機(jī)），猶有睡意地在公寓里面閑逛，好像第一次注意到他的書不知怎地出現(xiàn)在裘德的書架上，他以前買下的藝術(shù)品現(xiàn)在掛在裘德家的墻上。這是什么時(shí)候發(fā)生的？他不太記得了，但感覺很對勁，他覺得自己就該搬回這里。

　 Even Mr. Irvine agreed. Willem had seen him at Malcolm’s house the previous spring for Malcolm’s birthday and Mr. Irvine had said, “I hear you’ve moved back in with Jude,” and he said he had, preparing himself for a lecture on their eternal adolescence: he was going to be forty-four, after all; Jude was nearly forty-two. But “You’re a good friend, Willem,” Mr. Irvine had said. “I’m glad you boys are taking care of each other.” He had been deeply rattled by Jude’s attempt; they all had, of course, but Mr. Irvine had always liked Jude the best of all of them, and they all knew it.

就連馬爾科姆的父親歐文先生都贊成。今年春天馬爾科姆生日時(shí)，他在馬爾科姆家遇到歐文先生，當(dāng)時(shí)歐文先生說：“我聽說你搬去跟裘德住了?！彼f沒錯(cuò)，準(zhǔn)備好聽一番說教，說他們總是長不大，畢竟他就要滿44歲了，而裘德也快42了。但“你是個(gè)很好的朋友，”歐文先生說，“我很高興你們彼此照顧。”當(dāng)初裘德企圖自殺讓歐文先生很驚慌；當(dāng)然了，他們?nèi)己荏@慌，但他們知道，在這些朋友里頭，歐文先生一直最喜歡裘德。

　 “Well, thanks, Mr. Irvine,” he’d said, surprised. “I’m glad, too.”

“唔，謝謝你，歐文先生，”他說，很驚訝，“我也很高興?！?