《渺小一生》:“對(duì)，看起來(lái)就像科學(xué)怪人。

　 But despite these disappointments, things have also not been horrible with Caleb, either. He likes Caleb’s slow, thoughtful way of speaking, the way he talks about the designers he’s worked with, his understanding of color and his appreciation of art. He likes that he can discuss his work—about Malpractice and Bastard—and that Caleb will not only understand the challenges his cases present for him but will find them interesting as well. He likes how closely Caleb listens to his stories, and how his questions show how closely he’s been paying attention. He likes how Caleb admires Willem’s and Richard’s and Malcolm’s work, and lets him talk about them as much as he wants. He likes how, when he is leaving, Caleb will put his hands on either side of his face and hold them there for a moment in a sort of silent blessing. He likes Caleb’s solidity, his physical strength: he likes watching him move, likes how, like Willem, he is so easy in his own body. He likes how Caleb will sometimes in sleep sling an arm possessively across his chest. He likes waking with Caleb next to him. He likes how Caleb is slightly strange, how he carries a faint threat of danger: he is different from the people he has sought out his entire adult life, people he has determined will never hurt him, people defined by their kindnesses. When he is with Caleb, he feels simultaneously more and less human.

盡管有這些失望之處，跟凱萊布在一起也有種種不可怕的一面。他喜歡凱萊布用緩慢、深思的說(shuō)話方式，談起共事的時(shí)裝設(shè)計(jì)師，談起他對(duì)色彩的了解以及對(duì)藝術(shù)的欣賞。他喜歡可以跟他談自己的工作這一點(diǎn)（有關(guān)“弊端加混蛋”），而且凱萊布不光了解那些案子的挑戰(zhàn)，也覺(jué)得很有趣。他喜歡凱萊布專注地聽(tīng)他講事情，提出的問(wèn)題也顯示了他有多么專注。他喜歡凱萊布欣賞威廉、理查德、馬爾科姆的作品，而且和他盡情地談起這些老友。他喜歡凱萊布離開(kāi)時(shí)，總會(huì)用雙手捧著他的臉，暫停一會(huì)兒，像是某種沉默的祝福。他喜歡凱萊布的結(jié)實(shí)，他身體的力量；他喜歡看他的動(dòng)作；他就跟威廉一樣，對(duì)自己的身體感到那么自在。他喜歡凱萊布睡覺(jué)時(shí)，偶爾會(huì)霸道地把一只手臂橫到他的胸前。他喜歡在凱萊布身邊醒來(lái)。他喜歡凱萊布有點(diǎn)奇怪、帶著一種淡淡的危險(xiǎn)與威脅：他完全不同于他成年后會(huì)挑選的那種人——那些他判定永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)傷害他、非常善良的人。和凱萊布在一起時(shí)，他覺(jué)得更像個(gè)人，同時(shí)也更不像個(gè)人。

　 The first time Caleb hit him, he was both surprised and not. This was at the end of July, and he had gone over to Caleb’s at midnight, after leaving the office. He had used his wheelchair that day—lately, something had been going wrong with his feet; he didn’t know what it was, but he could barely feel them, and had the dislocating sense that he would topple over if he tried to walk—but at Caleb’s, he had left the chair in the car and had instead walked very slowly to the front door, lifting each foot unnaturally high as he went so he wouldn’t trip.

凱萊布第一次打他時(shí)，他驚訝也并不驚訝。那是七月底，他半夜12點(diǎn)左右離開(kāi)辦公室去凱萊布家。那天他用了輪椅（最近他兩腳不太對(duì)勁，他不知道是怎么回事，但兩只腳幾乎都沒(méi)了感覺(jué)，像脫臼似的，他一試著走路就會(huì)摔倒），但是到了凱萊布家，他把輪椅留在車上，緩慢地走向前門，每走一步都得把腳抬得異常的高，免得絆倒。

　 He knew from the moment he entered the apartment that he shouldn’t have come—he could see that Caleb was in a terrible mood and could feel how the very air was hot and stagnant with his anger. Caleb had finally moved into a building in the Flower District, but he hadn’t unpacked much, and he was edgy and tense, his teeth squeaking against themselves as he tightened his jaw. But he had brought food, and he moved his way slowly over to the counter to set it down, talking brightly to try to distract Caleb from his gait, trying, desperately, to make things better.

他一進(jìn)公寓，就知道自己不該來(lái)。他看得出凱萊布心情很糟，感覺(jué)得到空氣因?yàn)樗呐鹱兊脨灍嵊治蹪?。之前，凱萊布終于搬到了花店區(qū)的一棟大樓，但是東西大半還沒(méi)拆箱。此時(shí)他整個(gè)人煩躁又緊繃，牙齒磨得嘎吱響。他帶了吃的去，于是緩緩地走到料理臺(tái)放下來(lái)，故作輕松地講話，想轉(zhuǎn)移凱萊布的注意力，免得他注意到他的步態(tài)，絕望地試圖讓情勢(shì)好轉(zhuǎn)。

　 “Why are you walking like that?” Caleb interrupted him.

“你干嗎那樣走路？”凱萊布打斷他。

　 He hated admitting to Caleb that something else was wrong with him; he couldn’t bring himself to do it once again. “Am I walking strangely?” he asked.

他真不愿意向凱萊布承認(rèn)自己還有其他毛病，他無(wú)法再一次鼓起勇氣了?！拔疫@樣走路很怪嗎？”他問(wèn)。

　 “Yeah—you look like Frankenstein’s monster.”

“對(duì)，看起來(lái)就像科學(xué)怪人?！?

　 “I’m sorry,” he said. Leave, said the voice inside him. Leave now. “I wasn’t aware of it.”

“對(duì)不起，”他說(shuō)，“我自己都沒(méi)注意到?！彪x開(kāi)，他心里的聲音說(shuō)，馬上離開(kāi)。

　 “Well, stop it. It looks ridiculous.”

“唔，別再那樣走了，看起來(lái)很可笑?！?

　 “All right,” he said, quietly, and spooned some curry into a bowl for Caleb. “Here,” he said, but as he was heading toward Caleb, trying to walk normally, he tripped, his right foot over his left, and dropped the bowl, the green curry splattering against the carpet.

“好吧?！彼吐曊f(shuō)，把咖喱舀到一個(gè)大碗里要給凱萊布?！皝?lái)吧。”他說(shuō)，但是他走向凱萊布時(shí)，因?yàn)橄胱叩谜｜c(diǎn)，結(jié)果卻絆了一下，右腳絆到左腳，碗掉了，綠咖喱潑濺在地毯上。

　 Later, he will remember how Caleb didn’t say anything, just whirled around and struck him with the back of his hand, and he had fallen back, his head bouncing against the carpeted floor. “Just get out of here, Jude,” he heard Caleb say, not even yelling, even before his vision returned. “Get out; I can’t look at you right now.” And so he had, bringing himself to his feet and walking his ridiculous monster’s walk out of the apartment, leaving Caleb to clean up the mess he had made.

稍后，他會(huì)想起凱萊布一言不發(fā)，沖過(guò)來(lái)反手給了他一耳光，打得他往后摔倒，后腦撞在鋪了地毯的地板上?！翱禳c(diǎn)滾出去，裘德。”他視力恢復(fù)之前就聽(tīng)到凱萊布說(shuō)，甚至沒(méi)有怒吼，“滾出去，我現(xiàn)在沒(méi)辦法看你?！庇谑撬兆?，努力站起身，走著可笑的科學(xué)怪人步伐離開(kāi)那間公寓，讓凱萊布清理他制造的混亂。

　 The next day his face began to turn colors, the area around his left eye shading into improbably lovely tones: violets and ambers and bottle greens. By the end of the week, when he went uptown for his appointment with Andy, his cheek was the color of moss, and his eye was swollen nearly shut, the upper lid a puffed, tender, shiny red.

次日他的臉開(kāi)始變色，左眼周圍出現(xiàn)一片奇異的優(yōu)美色調(diào)：堇菜紫、琥珀褐和酒瓶綠。等到那個(gè)周末，他到上城跟安迪約診時(shí)，臉頰已經(jīng)轉(zhuǎn)成了苔綠色，左眼腫得幾乎睜不開(kāi)，上唇是腫脹、柔軟的亮紅。

　 “Jesus Christ, Jude,” said Andy, when he saw him. “What the fuck happened to you?”

“老天啊，裘德，”安迪一看到他就說(shuō)，“你他媽的出了什么事？”

　 “Wheelchair tennis,” he said, and even grinned, a grin he had practiced in the mirror the night before, his cheek twitching with pain. He had researched everything: where the matches were played, and how frequently, and how many people were in the club. He had made up a story, recited it to himself and to people at the office until it sounded natural, even comic: a forehand from the opposing player, who had played in college, he not turning quickly enough, the thwack the ball had made when it hit his face.

“輪椅網(wǎng)球賽?！彼f(shuō)，還咧嘴笑。他前一夜在鏡子前練習(xí)過(guò)這個(gè)笑容，臉頰被扯得發(fā)痛。他已經(jīng)做過(guò)功課：在哪里打球、多常打、有多少人參加。他編了一個(gè)故事，自己先練習(xí)，在辦公室里也講給其他人聽(tīng)，直到聽(tīng)起來(lái)很自然，甚至很滑稽：對(duì)方球員大學(xué)時(shí)代是名高手，一個(gè)正手拍轟過(guò)來(lái)，他轉(zhuǎn)身不夠快，球就砰一聲打中了他的臉。

　 He told all this to Andy as Andy listened, shaking his head. “Well,” he said. “I’m glad you’re trying something new. But Christ, Jude. Is this such a good idea?”

他把這一切告訴安迪，安迪邊聽(tīng)邊搖頭?！昂冒?，裘德，”他說(shuō)，“我很高興你嘗試新的東西。不過(guò)老天，你覺(jué)得打網(wǎng)球是個(gè)好主意嗎？”

　 “You’re the one who’s always telling me to stay off my feet,” he reminded Andy.

“你不是總叫我少用腳？”他提醒安迪。

　 “I know, I know,” said Andy. “But you have the pool; isn’t that enough? And at any rate, you should’ve come to me after this happened.”

“我知道，我知道。”安迪說(shuō)，“可是你有那個(gè)游泳池，這樣還不夠嗎？而且無(wú)論如何，你剛被打到的時(shí)候，就該來(lái)找我?！?

　 “It’s just a bruise, Andy,” he said.

“安迪，這只是個(gè)瘀青。”他說(shuō)。

　 “It’s a pretty fucking bad bruise, Jude. I mean, Jesus.”

“這瘀青他媽的很嚴(yán)重，裘德。我的意思是，天啊?！?

　 “Well, anyway,” he said, trying to sound unconcerned, even a little defiant. “I need to talk to you about my feet.”

“好吧，總之，”他說(shuō)，裝出漫不經(jīng)心的口氣，甚至有點(diǎn)挑釁，“我得跟你談?wù)勎业哪_?！?

　 “Tell me.”

“說(shuō)吧?！?