《渺小一生》:他其實不知道凱萊布會說什么

　 Caleb nodded, but continued pinching the bridge of his nose. He wouldn’t look at him. “Look,” he said at last, “I don’t think we should have dinner after all. You’re obviously not feeling well, and I’m tired. I’ve got to get some sleep.”

凱萊布點點頭，但是繼續(xù)捏著鼻梁，不肯看他?！奥犖艺f，”凱萊布最后終于說，“我想我們還是不要吃晚餐了。你顯然不太舒服，我也累了，我得回去睡個覺才行?！?

　 “Oh,” he said, dismayed. “That’s all right. I understand.”

“啊，”他說，很氣餒，“沒關系，我了解?！?

　 “Okay, good,” said Caleb. “I’ll call you later.” He watched Caleb move down the street with his long strides until he disappeared around the corner, and then had gotten into his car and driven home and cut himself until he was bleeding so much that he couldn’t grip the razor properly.

“好吧，很好。”凱萊布說，“我再打電話給你?！彼粗鴦P萊布邁著長長的步伐越走越遠，直到轉彎消失。然后他自己上車開回家，割自己割到流了好多血，直到抓不穩(wěn)刮胡刀片了才停下來。

　 The next day was Friday, and he didn’t hear from Caleb at all. Well, he thought. That’s that. And it was fine: Caleb didn’t like the fact that he was in a wheelchair. Neither did he. He couldn’t resent Caleb for not being able to accept what he himself couldn’t accept.

次日是星期五，凱萊布沒聯(lián)絡他。好吧，他心想，就這樣了，也好：凱萊布不喜歡他坐輪椅的事實。他也不喜歡。他不能因為凱萊布不能接受這件事而怨恨他，因為連他自己都不能接受。

　 But then, on Saturday morning, Caleb called just as he was coming back upstairs from the pool. “I’m sorry about Thursday night,” Caleb said. “I know it must seem heartless and bizarre to you, this—aversion I have to your wheelchair.”

但星期六上午，凱萊布打電話給他。當時他剛去樓下游泳回來。“星期四晚上的事情很對不起。”凱萊布說，“我知道你一定覺得我無情又古怪，對你坐輪椅這么——這么反感?！?

　 He sat down in one of the chairs around the dining-room table. “It doesn’t seem bizarre at all,” he said.

他坐在餐桌旁的椅子上：“其實一點也不古怪啊。”

　 “I told you my parents were sick for much of my adult life,” Caleb said. “My father had multiple sclerosis, and my mother—no one knew what she had. She got sick when I was in college and never got better. She had face pains, headaches: she was in a sort of constant low-grade discomfort, and although I don’t doubt it was real, what bothered me so much is that she never seemed to want to try to get better. She just gave up, as did he. Everywhere you looked there was evidence of their surrender to illness: first canes, then walkers, then wheelchairs, then scooters, and vials of pills and tissues and the perpetual scent of pain creams and gels and who knows what else.”

“我以前跟你提過，我父母親在我成年后的大半時間里都在生病?！眲P萊布說，“我父親是多重硬化癥，而我母親——沒人知道她得了什么病。我大學時代她生病了，從此沒好過。她有臉痛、頭痛，長期有各式各樣的、不嚴重的不舒服。雖然我相信是真的，但讓我非常困擾的是，她好像從來不想好轉，她就是放棄了，我父親也是。家里到處都是他們向疾病投降的證據(jù)：第一根拐杖，然后是助行器、輪椅，再來是電動車，還有各種藥瓶、衛(wèi)生紙、緩解疼痛的藥膏氣味，天曉得還有什么?！?

　 He stopped. “I want to keep seeing you,” he said, at last. “But—but I can’t be around these accessories to weakness, to disease. I just can’t. I hate it. It embarrasses me. It makes me feel—not depressed, but furious, like I need to fight against it.” He paused again. “I just didn’t know that’s who you were when I met you,” he said at last. “I thought I could be okay with it. But I’m not sure I can. Can you understand that?”

凱萊布停下?！拔蚁肜^續(xù)跟你交往，”最后他終于說，“但是，但是我沒辦法面對這些跟軟弱、疾病有關的附加對象。我就是沒辦法。我討厭這些。那會讓我很不安，讓我覺得——不是沮喪，而是狂怒，覺得自己必須奮力抵抗?！彼滞Ａ艘幌?，“只是我當初認識你的時候，真的不知道你是這樣?！蹦┝怂终f了，“我本來以為我可以接受，但現(xiàn)在不確定我做得到。你可以理解嗎？”

　 He swallowed; he wanted to cry. But he could understand it; he felt exactly as Caleb did. “I can,” he said.

他咽下口水，很想哭，但他可以理解，他的感覺就跟凱萊布一模一樣?！翱梢浴！彼f。

　 And yet improbably, they had continued after all. He is astonished, still, by the speed and thoroughness with which Caleb insinuated himself into his life. It was like something out of a fairy tale: a woman living on the edge of a dark forest hears a knock and opens the door of her cottage. And although it is just for a moment, and although she sees no one, in those seconds, dozens of demons and wraiths have slipped past her and into her house, and she will never be able to rid herself of them, ever. Sometimes this was how it felt. Was this the way it was for other people? He doesn’t know; he is too afraid to ask. He finds himself replaying old conversations he has had or overheard with people talking about their relationships, trying to gauge the normalcy of his against theirs, looking for clues about how he should conduct himself.

盡管不太可能，他們還是繼續(xù)交往下去。凱萊布迅速而徹底地滲透到他的生活里，讓他一直處于震驚狀態(tài)。那就像童話故事的情節(jié)：一個住在黑暗森林邊緣的女子聽到敲門聲，打開小屋的門。就算只是片刻，就算她沒看到任何人，但就在那短短幾秒鐘，幾十個惡魔和鬼魂就從她身旁溜過，進入屋內(nèi)。從此她再也無法擺脫他們，永遠被糾纏不放。有時他的感覺就是如此。其他人也是這樣嗎？他不知道，他害怕得不敢問人。他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己腦袋里面一直努力回想著自己跟朋友的談話，或是偶爾偷聽別人談論他們的伴侶關系，設法衡量自己碰到的狀況是否正常，尋找各種蛛絲馬跡，以便判斷自己該怎么做。

　 And then there is the sex, which is worse than he had imagined: he had forgotten just how painful it was, how debasing, how repulsive, how much he disliked it. He hates the postures, the positions it demands, each of them degrading because they leave him so helpless and weak; he hates the tastes of it and the smells of it. But mostly, he hates the sounds of it: the meaty smack of flesh hitting flesh, the wounded-animal moans and grunts, the things said to him that were perhaps meant to be arousing but he can only interpret as diminishing. Part of him, he realizes, had always thought it would be better as an adult, as if somehow the mere fact of age would transform the experience into something glorious and enjoyable. In college, in his twenties, in his thirties, he would listen to people talk about it with such pleasure, such delight, and he would think: That’s what you’re so excited about? Really? That’s not how I remember it at all. And yet he cannot be the one who’s correct, and everyone else—millennia of people—wrong. So clearly there is something he doesn’t understand about sex. Clearly he is doing something incorrectly.

然后是性愛的部分，結果比他想象的更糟糕：他都忘了那有多么痛苦、多么糟蹋人、多么討厭，而自己又有多不喜歡。他討厭那些姿勢、那些體位，每一種都是屈辱，讓他覺得自己很無助、很軟弱；他討厭那些滋味和氣息；最嚴重的是，他痛恨性交的聲音：那種肉類拍打的聲音、受傷動物的呻吟和悶哼，這些狀況或許應該讓他興奮起來，但他只覺得倒胃口。他領悟到，有一部分的他總以為成年后會比較好，仿佛光是年齡增加，就能把這類經(jīng)驗變成某種絕妙而令人愉快的事情。上大學時，二十來歲時，三十來歲時，他會傾聽別人帶著無比的歡欣和愉悅談論性愛。他心想：那個居然讓你們興奮成這樣？真的嗎？我記得的根本不是這樣。但是他也沒辦法糾正別人，說其他千千萬萬個人都是錯的。所以顯然性愛里有些東西他沒搞懂，顯然有些地方他做錯了。

　 That first night they had come upstairs, he had known what Caleb had expected. “We have to go slowly,” he told him. “It’s been a long time.”

他們上樓的第一個夜晚，他就知道凱萊布期望什么?！拔覀兊寐齺??！彼嬖V他，“我已經(jīng)很久沒做了?！?

　 Caleb looked at him in the dark; he hadn’t turned on the light. “How long?” he asked.

凱萊布在黑暗中望著他，他還沒開燈?！岸嗑茫俊彼麊?。

　 “Long,” was all he could say.

“很久?！边@是他唯一說得出口的。

　 And for a while, Caleb was patient. But then he wasn’t. There came a night in which Caleb tried to remove his clothes, and he had pulled out of his grasp. “I can’t,” he said. “Caleb—I can’t. I don’t want you to see what I look like.” It had taken everything he had to say this, and he was so scared he was cold.

于是有一陣子，凱萊布很有耐性。但接下來就沒了。有天夜里，凱萊布還想脫掉他的衣服，他硬拉開他的手?！拔覜]辦法?！彼f，“凱萊布……我沒辦法。我不想讓你看到我的樣子?！彼钠鹚杏職獠耪f出這句話。他驚恐得全身發(fā)冷。

　 “Why?” Caleb had asked.

“為什么？”凱萊布問。

　 “I have scars,” he said. “On my back and legs, and on my arms. They’re bad; I don’t want you to see them.”

“我身上有疤?！彼f，“在背上和兩腿上，還有手臂。很難看，我不希望你看到?！?

　 He hadn’t known, really, what Caleb would say. Would he say: I’m sure they’re not so bad? And then would he have to take his clothes off after all? Or would he say: Let’s see, and then he would take his clothes off, and Caleb would get up and leave? He saw Caleb hesitate.

他其實不知道凱萊布會說什么。他會說：我很確定沒有那么糟糕？然后非得脫掉他的衣服不可？或者他會說：我們來看看，硬是脫掉他的衣服，然后站起來離開？他看到凱萊布猶豫著。

　 “You won’t like them,” he added. “They’re disgusting.”

“你不會喜歡的?！彼终f，“真的很惡心?！?

　 And that had seemed to decide something for Caleb. “Well,” he said, “I don’t need to see all of your body, right? Just the relevant parts.” And for that night, he had lain there, half dressed and half not, waiting for it to be over and more humiliated than if Caleb had demanded he take his clothes off after all.

這句話似乎幫凱萊布下了決定：“好吧。”他說，“我不必看到你身體的每個部分，對吧？重要部位就夠了。”然后那一夜，他躺在床上，身上衣服半穿半脫，等著事情結束，同時想著萬一凱萊布逼他脫光，那就更屈辱了。