《渺小一生》:“你他媽的別搞砸了，圣弗朗

　 “Don’t fuck this up, St. Francis,” he said. “This is your chance, do you hear me?”

“你他媽的別搞砸了，圣弗朗西斯。”他說，“這是你的機(jī)會，聽到?jīng)]？”

　 “Yes, sir,” he’d said.

“是的，先生。”他說。

　 “Go on, then,” said Boyd, and released him, and he walked toward Mrs. Leary, who was standing in the doorway.

“那就去吧。”博伊德說著便放開他。他走向黎瑞太太，她正站在門口。

　 Mrs. Leary was fat, but her husband was simply big, with large red hands that looked like weaponry. They had two daughters, both in their twenties and both married, and they thought it might be nice to have a boy in the house, someone who could help Mr. Leary—who repaired large-scale farm machinery and also farmed himself—with the field work. They chose him, they said, because he seemed quiet, and polite, and they didn’t want someone rowdy; they wanted someone hardworking, someone who would appreciate what having a home and a house meant. They had read in the binder that he knew how to work, and how to clean, and that he did well on the home’s farm.

黎瑞太太胖胖的，而她先生純粹就是魁梧，那雙大大的紅色手掌看起來像武器。他們有兩個女兒，都二十來歲、嫁人了。他們覺得家里如果有個男孩應(yīng)該不錯，可以幫黎瑞先生（他專門修理大型農(nóng)業(yè)機(jī)具，自己也務(wù)農(nóng)）做些田里的活兒。他們說，之所以選中他，是因為他看起來很安靜、有禮貌，他們可不想要一個惹是生非的搗蛋鬼；他們想要一個勤奮、懂得感激有個家的人。他們看過活頁夾里的數(shù)據(jù)，知道他懂得干活兒，會打掃，而且聽說他在少年之家的農(nóng)場表現(xiàn)很好。

　 “Now, your name, that’s an unusual name,” Mrs. Leary said.

“你的名字可真不尋常啊。”黎瑞太太說。

　 He had never thought it unusual, but “Yes, ma’am,” he said.

他從沒想過自己的名字不尋常，但還是說：“是的，夫人。”

　 “What would you think of maybe going by a different name?” Mrs. Leary asked. “Like, Cody, maybe? I’ve always liked the name Cody. It’s a little less—well, it’s a little more us, really.”

“或許換個名字，你覺得怎么樣？”黎瑞太太問，“比方叫科迪呢？我一直很喜歡科迪這個名字。聽起來比較——唔，比較像我們家的孩子。”

　 “I like Cody,” he said, although he didn’t really have an opinion about it: Jude, Cody, it didn’t matter to him what he was called.

“我喜歡科迪。”他說，其實他一點意見也沒有。不管裘德還是科迪，對他來說，叫什么根本沒差別。

　 “Well, good,” said Mrs. Leary.

“唔，很好。”黎瑞太太說。

　 That night, alone, he said the name aloud to himself: Cody Leary. Cody Leary. Could it be possible that he was entering this house as one person and then, as if the place were enchanted, transformed into another? Was it that simple, that fast? Gone would be Jude St. Francis, and with him, Brother Luke, and Brother Peter, and Father Gabriel, and the monastery and the counselors at the home and his shame and fears and filth, and in his place would be Cody Leary, who would have parents, and a room of his own, and would be able to make himself into whomever he chose.

那天夜里獨(dú)自一人時，他對著自己說出那個名字：科迪·黎瑞，科迪·黎瑞。他走進(jìn)那棟房子后，整個地方被施了魔法，把他變成另外一個人，有可能嗎？就這么簡單、這么快嗎？裘德·圣弗朗西斯不見了，連帶的，盧克修士、彼得修士、加布里埃爾神父、修道院，還有少年之家的輔導(dǎo)員以及他的羞愧、恐懼和污穢，全都一起消失。他會變成科迪·黎瑞，有父母，有自己的房間，可以成為任何他想成為的人。

　 The rest of the weekend passed uneventfully, so uneventfully that with each day, with each hour, he could feel pieces of himself awaken, could feel the clouds that he gathered around himself separate and vanish, could feel himself seeing into the future, and imagining the place in it he might have. He tried his hardest to be polite, and hardworking, and it wasn’t difficult: he got up early in the morning and made breakfast for the Learys (Mrs. Leary praising him so loudly and extravagantly that he had smiled, embarrassed, at the floor), and cleaned dishes, and helped Mr. Leary degrease his tools and rewire a lamp, and although there were events he didn’t care for—the boring church service they attended on Sunday; the prayers they supervised before he was allowed to go to bed—they were hardly worse than the things he didn’t like about the home, they were things he knew he could do without appearing resentful or ungrateful. The Learys, he could sense, would not be the sort of people who would behave the way that parents in books would, the way the parents he yearned for might, but he knew how to be industrious, he knew how to keep them satisfied. He was still frightened of Mr. Leary’s large red hands, and when he was left alone with him in the barn, he was shivery and watchful, but at least there was only Mr. Leary to fear, not a whole group of Mr. Learys, as there had been before, or there were at the home.

那個周末接下來的時間都平靜地過去了，平靜得讓他覺得隨著每個小時、每一天過去，心底的自己也逐漸蘇醒，可以感覺到他刻意收攏在自己周圍的那些云散開、消失，可以感覺到未來，可以想象自己在其中的位子。他盡力保持禮貌，并且勤奮工作，這并不難：早上他很早起床，給黎瑞夫婦做早餐并洗碗（黎瑞太太大聲又夸張地夸贊他，讓他害羞得對著地面微笑），幫黎瑞先生的工具去除油污，重新接好一盞燈的電線。雖然有些事情他并不喜歡，例如星期天上教堂做無聊的禮拜、睡前還要在他們夫婦面前祈禱，但這些事不會比少年之家那些他不喜歡的事情更糟，他知道自己做得到，絕不會露出怨恨或不知感激的神情。他可以感覺到，黎瑞夫婦不像課本里描述的父母，也不是他渴望中的那種父母，但他懂得如何勤奮工作，懂得如何讓他們滿意。他還是很怕黎瑞先生那雙紅通通的大手，每回谷倉里只剩他們兩人時，他就會發(fā)抖、充滿警覺，但至少要怕的只有一個黎瑞先生，而不是好幾個——就像之前那樣，或像在少年之家那樣。

　 When Boyd picked him up Sunday evening, he was pleased with how he’d done, confident, even. “How’d it go?” Boyd asked him, and he was able to answer, honestly, “Good.”

博伊德星期天晚上來接他時，他為自己的表現(xiàn)感到高興，甚至很自信。“狀況怎么樣？”博伊德問他。他可以很誠實地回答：“很好。”

　 He was certain, from Mrs. Leary’s last words to him—“I have a feeling we’ll be seeing much more of you very soon, Cody”—that they would call on Monday, and that soon, maybe even by Friday, he would be Cody Leary, and the home would be one more place he’d put behind him. But then Monday passed, and then Tuesday, and Wednesday, and then it was the following week, and he wasn’t called to the headmaster’s office, and his letter to the Learys had gone unanswered, and every day the driveway to the dormitory remained a long, blank stretch, and no one came to get him.

從黎瑞先生告別時跟他說的話——“科迪，我覺得我們很快就會再看到你了”，他很確定他們星期一就會打電話來，很快，甚至星期五之前，他就會成為科迪·黎瑞，而少年之家就可以成為另一個他拋在腦后的地方了。但星期一過去了，接著是星期二、星期三，然后是第二個星期，他都沒被叫去院長辦公室，他寄去黎瑞家的信也沒人回，而且每一天通往宿舍的那條車道依然漫長、空蕩，沒有人來接他。

　 Finally, two weeks after the visit, he went to see Boyd at his workshop, where he knew he stayed late on Thursday nights. He waited through dinner out in the cold, the snow crunching under his feet, until he finally saw Boyd walking out the door.

最后，試住的兩周之后，他知道星期四晚上博伊德會在工坊待到很晚，就跑去門口等他。他從晚餐時間起就在冰冷的戶外等候，腳下的積雪嘎吱作響，直到博伊德走出門來。

　 “Christ,” Boyd said when he saw him, nearly stepping on him as he turned. “Shouldn’t you be back in the dorms, St. Francis?”

“天啊。”博伊德一看到他就說，轉(zhuǎn)身時還差點踩到他，“圣弗朗西斯，你不是應(yīng)該回宿舍嗎？”

　 “Please,” he begged. “Please tell me—are the Learys coming to get me?” But he knew what the answer was even before he saw Boyd’s face.

“拜托，”他哀求道，“拜托告訴我——黎瑞夫婦要來接我了吧？”他看到博伊德的臉之前就知道答案了。

　 “They changed their minds,” said Boyd, and although he wasn’t known, by the counselors or the boys, for his gentleness, he was almost gentle then. “It’s over, St. Francis. It’s not going to happen.” He reached out a hand toward him, but he ducked, and Boyd shook his head and began walking off.

“他們改變心意了。”博伊德說。雖然輔導(dǎo)員和男孩們都公認(rèn)博伊德不是個溫柔的人，那一刻他幾乎溫柔起來，“結(jié)束了，圣弗朗西斯。他們不會收養(yǎng)你了。”他朝他伸出一只手，但他身子一縮躲開了。博伊德?lián)u搖頭走開。

　 “Wait,” he called, recovering himself and running as well as he could through the snow after Boyd. “Let me try again,” he said. “Tell me what I did wrong, and I’ll try again.” He could feel the old hysteria descending upon him, could feel inside him the vestiges of the boy who would throw fits and shout, who could still a room with his screams.

“等一下。”他喊道，總算回過神來，吃力地跑過雪地追上博伊德，“再讓我試一次。告訴我，我做錯了什么，我會再努力的。”他可以感覺到那久違的歇斯底里又降臨了，心中那個亂揮拳亂叫、尖叫得嚇呆全場的男孩又冒出頭來。

　 But Boyd shook his head again. “It doesn’t work like that, St. Francis,” he said, and then he stopped and looked directly at him. “Look,” he said, “in a few years you’ll be out of here. I know it seems like a long time, but it’s not. And then you’ll be an adult and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. You just have to get through these years.” And then he turned again, definitively, and stalked away from him.

但博伊德再度搖頭。“圣弗朗西斯，沒有用的。”他說，停下來直視他，“聽我說，再過幾年，你就可以離開這里。我知道感覺好像很久，但其實并不是。然后你會成為大人，做你想做的事情。只要撐過這幾年就好。”說完他又轉(zhuǎn)身，這回很堅決地邁著大步離開了。

　 “How?” he yelled after Boyd. “Boyd, tell me how! How, Boyd, how?” forgetting that he was to call him “sir,” and not “Boyd.”

“怎么撐？”他在博伊德后頭大喊，“博伊德，告訴我怎么做！怎么撐，博伊德，怎么撐？”他都忘了該尊稱他為“先生”，而不該直呼“博伊德”。