雙語|現(xiàn)代散文:謝冰瑩 初戀

—Fragments from My Diary ——節(jié)錄日記中的斷片

Xie Bingying ◎ 謝冰瑩

September 7，1926，2:00 pm

一九二六年九月七日下午二時

I'm being too hard on myself！I'm suffering a self-inflicted torment！How come his is the only image rising in my mind？It seems that I see nothing but his smile and hear nothing but his voice．I take the sender of any letter I receive for him and then read it over again and again．I'm completely preoccupied with thoughts of him．Oh，my！I'm not in a mood to do anything，nor am I able to．Whether in class or at table，walking or sitting，asleep or awake，I can never banish him from my mind．I fail to concentrate when I listen to a talk or read a book．In short，I just sit about thinking of him.

我真太自苦了，太自尋煩惱了！腦海中為什么只有他的影子呢？眼睛所看到的，好像盡是他的笑容；耳中所聽到的，好像盡是他的聲音。別人寫來的信，也當(dāng)做是他的，看了一遍又是一遍，整個的心完全被他占有了！唉，這怎么好呢？我一點事也不想做，而且也不能做；我無論在上課，吃飯，行坐，睡眠的時候，總是想著他。聽講，一句也聽不進；看書，一個字也看不懂；總之，什么事都不能做，除了靜坐著想他而外。

September 15，1926，evening

同年九月十五夜

I really don't know what love is and what it is made up of.

我真不知道，“愛”是什么東西，它是什么組織成的？

I don't know what love is like，except parental love．I don't know whether it tastes bitter or sweet，sour or pungent．But I know I've developed a very mysterious and deep feeling for him．Isn't that feeling named love？

我沒有嘗過愛的滋味——除了父母之愛——不知愛的味道是苦，是甜，是酸還是辣？我只知道對他發(fā)生了一種很神秘很深刻的情感，難道這種情感就是愛嗎？

During my first encounter with him，the moment we had an eye contact，he instantly sowed a seed of love in my heart and magnetically attracted my heart and soul．From then on，I began to have a soft spot in my heart for the opposite sex.

在我第一次和他見面的時候，他的視線和我的視線互相接觸的一剎那，他便撒下了愛的種子在我的心田；同時像磁吸引鐵似的，把我的心和靈魂，都吸進他的心內(nèi)去了。從這時起，我開始對于異性發(fā)生了情感。

Formerly，I was so naïve as to run away from my schoolmates with a loud“Bah！”whenever they chatted about the question of love.

以前，我真是個天真爛漫的孩子，每逢同學(xué)們談到戀愛問題的時候，我便“呸”的一聲跑開了。

They called me simple-minded，but I would rather be always like this．Now I'm experiencing a nameless agony．Oh，my goodness！I really don't know why！

她們都說我是個未諳世故的小孩，我希望我永遠不諳世故；然而現(xiàn)在有一種不知名的痛苦居然降臨到我身上來了，天呵，這是怎么一回事呢？

I can't explain psychologically why I love him and yet completely keep him in the dark about it．I want to keep it secret forever and ever．What a mysterious and inconceivable behaviour！

我不知道這是一種什么心理，愛他而絕不讓他知道。我要保守著秘密，一直到永遠！不使對方知道自己在熱烈地愛著他，這是多么神秘而不可思議的心理呀！

Pain，pain，I welcome you．I'll never shy away from you．Life will be insignificant without pain.

痛苦，痛苦，我歡迎你，絕不躲避你，人生只有在痛苦的時候才有意義！

Kuriyagawa Hakuson[1] says aptly，“Anguish and tears make love worthwhile．Marriage is the grave of love.”

廚川白村說得好：“戀愛在痛苦與流淚的時候，才有價值；等到結(jié)婚，便成為戀愛的墳?zāi)沽恕?rdquo;

Damn it，why should I quote him？An innocent and artless girl like me shouldn't get a foretaste of bitter love.

該死，我為什么要引他的話呢？一個天真純潔的女孩子，不應(yīng)該嘗到愛的苦味的。

…

……

When for the first time in my life my mind was haunted by the image of a member of the other sex，I was so much distressed that I felt like committing suicide．I couldn't understand why the image of the smiling young man kept appearing before my mind's eye，so that I couldn't concentrate on my studies and could no longer live a happy life free from anxieties and cares．I hated him．And I also hated my third brother who had introduced him to me．I tried to destroy the image，but in vain．Often in the depth of night，on waking up from a dreadful nightmare，I would thump my head with my fist and curse：—You good-for-nothing，go to hell！Why should the unsullied mind of a young girl be haunted by a member of the opposite sex？O what a misfortune！The image，like a whirlwind，will sweep away your future，and，like a beast of prey，will devour your life．Ah，you're in great danger！It is，however，never too late to mend your way．You'll be done for unless you become awakened to the danger facing you.

當(dāng)我生平第一次遇到有一個異性的影子，闖進我的腦海里來時，簡直痛苦得想要自殺！我不懂那個微笑著的青年的影子，為什么老是站在我的眼前，使我不能靜心讀書，不能無憂無慮，過著快樂甜美的生活，我恨他，也恨介紹我和他認識的三哥，我想毀滅他的影子，然而不可能；我常在半夜三更，從凄涼可怕的夢境里驚醒來時，就用力捶著自己的腦袋罵著：——你這無用的東西，趕快去死掉吧！高潔的少女心里，為什么要藏著一個異性的影子呢？那是多么不幸的事呀！你的前途，將要被那個影子，像旋風(fēng)似的卷去了，你的生命，將要被那個影子，像猛獸似的吞沒了，多么危險呀！……苦海茫茫，回頭是岸；再不覺悟，你的一生就這樣完了！

Much as emotion was condemned by reason，the former，nevertheless，got the upper hand．Instead of disappearing，the image of the young man became with each passing day even more vigorous in my mind's eye.

盡管理智怎樣責(zé)備情感，但情感還是得著了勝利。那影子不但沒有消滅，反而一天比一天更活鮮鮮地在腦海里跳躍起來。

I managed，however，to refrain from revealing to him my troubled state of mind．For over a year when I exchanged correspondence with him I never let him know how much I loved and thought fondly of him．Every day I wrote an entry in my diary as well as some free verse in vernacular Chinese．Sometimes I got dead drunk with the strong liquor I had bought on the sly．Sometimes I even thought of asking some friends of the same sex to go with me to an ancient temple in the remote mountains to become Buddhist nuns．They of course had no idea of what had happened to me．Oh，first love，how unblemished and unforgettable it is！

在那種苦痛的心情之下，我卻絕不愿意流露絲毫給對方知道；和他通了一年多的信，從沒有把我愛他、思念他的情感流露過。我天天寫日記和白話詩，有時偷偷地買了燒酒來喝個爛醉，有時想約幾個同性朋友，住到深山古廟里修行去。她們都不知道我的秘密，唉！多么圣潔的值得回憶的初戀呵！

he alarm bell began to ring in a new era．The Northern Expedition started．Courageous young men and women threw away their books，took off their long gowns and joined the revolutionary army．It was then that I succeeded in freeing myself from the deep distress I was in.

時代的警鐘響了，一九二六年的北伐爆發(fā)了！勇敢的青年男女們，一個個拋棄了書本，脫下了長衫，參加革命去了！陷在苦海中的我，也在這時得到了苦悶的解脫。

One day the lovely image suddenly appeared before me．It was none other than the young man．He fixed his passionate eyes on me and said，

那個可愛的影子，突然有一天出現(xiàn)在我的面前；這是真正的影子，兩只眼睛充滿了熱情，緊緊地盯著我。

“You must have received my letter．I've been looking for an opportunity to have a serious talk with you.”

“信收到了吧？我要找個機會和你深談一次。”

The tender voice was charged with immeasurable hidden hope and joy.

溫柔的聲調(diào)里，藏著無限的希望與歡愉。

“Don't you believe it？I'm going to join up.”

“你相不相信？我要從軍去了！”

A smile，accompanied by sternness，passed over my face．He looked astonished.

我的微笑中夾著嚴肅，他開始驚訝起來。

“No，I don't．You're joking，aren't you？”

“我不相信，你說來好玩的吧？”

“No．I mean what I said.”

“不！真的！”

“Physically，you won't be able to go through the hardships！”

“你的身體吃不了那種苦。”

“I need to be toughened up by the army life.”

“我要鍛煉。”

“So you've really made up your mind？”

“真的這樣決心了嗎？”

The smile on his face was replaced by deep gloom.

陰沉的憂郁，代替他的微笑了。

“I've already signed up！”

“已經(jīng)報名了！”

“Why not think it over again before you make the final decision？Let's talk it over thoroughly.”

“考慮一下再決定吧，我希望和你詳細談?wù)劇?rdquo;

“No need to think it over．You should unconditionally agree to let me go！”

“無須考慮，你應(yīng)當(dāng)無條件地贊成我去的！”

“…”

“……”

He hung his head in silence．I knew he was suffering untold mental agonies．But，strange to say，I didn't feel bad at all．On the contrary，I sat before him smiling a proud smile like a prisoner under death sentence being suddenly granted a special pardon.

他低下頭來沉默著，我知道有一種說不出的痛苦，壓在他的心頭；但是奇怪，我一點也不難受，好像一個被判決了死罪的犯人，突然得到特赦一般，我很驕傲地坐在他的對面微笑著。

“I go back home tomorrow．Tell me if we can ever meet again.”

“明天我要回去了，告訴我，我們還能見面嗎？”

His voice，like a melancholy tune，unexpectedly touched me to the heart．And a feeling of sadness suddenly came over me.

不知怎的，這聲音像一曲悲哀的調(diào)子，彈動了我的心弦，我突然感到凄涼起來。

“Let's meet at the front！I hope you'll join up too.”

“到前方見吧！我也希望你去從軍。”

“…”

“……”

He gave no reply，his eyes glittering with tears.

他沒有回答，眼里閃爍著晶瑩的淚光。

So we parted silently without saying a word．I saw him to the school gate and then turned round with warm tears in my eyes.

別了！就這樣默默地什么都沒有說，我送他走出了學(xué)校的大門，只是含著滿眶的熱淚轉(zhuǎn)來。

謝冰瑩，湖南新化人，我國現(xiàn)代杰出“女兵”作家，曾兩度從軍，經(jīng)歷坎坷，創(chuàng)作成果豐碩，不愧為一代奇女。她的散文風(fēng)格以直接曉暢著稱，對任何事物，均以直敘的筆調(diào)描述，不渲染，不夸張，簡潔明了，真切動人。1926年，北伐大革命期間，她毅然從軍?！冻鯌佟芬晃募毮伱枋隽怂鯌贂r的少女心態(tài)以及后來因從軍不得不與男友分道揚鑣的情景。