(中英)現(xiàn)代散文:剎那的印象 My Instant Response

My Instant Response

剎那的印象

◎ Xie Bingying

◎　謝冰瑩

I began to write fiction in my second year at the Women's Normal School when I had just reached the age of 15. One day, together with two classmates of the primary-school days, I went to dinner at a fellow provincial's home. The host had just bought a 13-year-old slave girl. Short and slight in build, she looked thin and sickly with a tear-stained face. But her bright big ebony eyes were just lovely. The hostess, who was a division commander's wife, ordered the girl to show us her gait so that we could judge whether each and every of her postures befitted her position as maid in an official mansion. As my former classmates were focusing their eyes on the poor girl, I burned with fury at the gross injustice. I detested the hostess for her inhuman act of treating the girl like an animal. I was too angry to eat and left on some excuse. Back at the school, I immediately wrote a story entitled My Instant Response under the pseudonym of "Xian Shi", which I mailed to Mr. Li Baoyi, editor of the Da Gong Daily. Three days later, on entering the reading room, I was extremely thrilled to find my story published in the paper.

我開始寫小說，是在進(jìn)了女師的第二年，那時(shí)剛滿十五歲。有一天，我和兩位小學(xué)時(shí)代的同學(xué)，去一個(gè)同鄉(xiāng)家里吃飯，主人剛剛買了一個(gè)十三歲的丫頭來，那女孩長得面黃肌瘦①，身材短小，滿臉現(xiàn)著淚痕；倒是一雙烏溜溜的大黑眼睛②，非常惹人憐愛。女主人是一位師長太太，她命令女孩走路給我們看，并請我們批評她的一舉一動(dòng)的姿式，是否合于一個(gè)師長公館用的丫頭。那兩位同學(xué)，真的將視線集中在女孩的身上；可是我的眼里卻正在燃燒著不平的火焰③！我恨那位女主人太不人道了，簡直把人當(dāng)做畜生看，我當(dāng)時(shí)氣得飯也吃不下，借故回到學(xué)校，立刻寫了一篇《剎那的印象》，用“閑事”的筆名，寄給編《大公報(bào)》的李抱一先生。第三天，當(dāng)我走進(jìn)閱報(bào)室，無意中看到了自己的作品，那時(shí)的快樂，的確是不能以筆墨形容的。

Did you see today's paper?

“你看今天的報(bào)沒有？”

I asked one of the two former classmates.

我問一位同學(xué)。

No, I didn't. You must have had something published, I guess? She grimaced at me.

“沒有，是不是有你的大作?”她向我做了一個(gè)鬼臉。

Oh, no, I wouldn't presume.

“豈敢，豈敢④。”

I walked away quickly.

我一溜煙跑了。

Frankly, I had mixed feelings. Much as I hoped that my schoolmates would know me as the author of the story, I could not help feeling very uncomfortable about it.

其實(shí)，說良心話，我當(dāng)時(shí)的心境真是矛盾萬分，一方面希望同學(xué)們知道那篇小說是我寫的⑤，一方面又覺得太難為情。

Damn it! How come you've written a story of Madame Tang asking us to take a look at her slave girl? The lady might feel hurt, you know?

“你這該死的家伙，怎么把前天唐太太請我們看丫頭的事寫成了小說呢？你不怕她生氣嗎？”

Yong Sheng said reproachfully.

詠聲這么責(zé)備我。

I don't care a damn about her! If she's free to buy a slave girl, why shouldn't I have my freedom of speech? I'll see no more of the woman, that's all.

“誰管她！她既然能買賣人口，難道我連說話的自由都沒有嗎？我下次不去她家里就得了?！?

Yong Sheng was afterwards to be a concubine of the division commander in question while the whereabouts of the poor little slave girl were to remain unknown.

后來詠聲做了師長的姨太太，而那位可憐的小丫頭不知何處去了⑥。

Strangely enough, the publication of the first article mentioned above seemed to greatly redouble my courage to keep on writing. It came about once that I was deeply grieved in biology class to see my fellow students cheerfully absorbed in dissecting a little pigeon. Tears trickled down my cheeks. One of the students said tauntingly,

也不知什么緣故，發(fā)表了第一篇文章之后，寫作的勇氣似乎增加了若干倍。有一次上生物學(xué)，同學(xué)們都在興高采烈地解剖小鴿子，我心里萬分難過，眼淚不知不覺地掉下來，一位同學(xué)諷刺我：

She's crying — a real soft-hearted writer, eh!

“真是文學(xué)家的心腸，居然哭起來了。”

Unable to put up with her sarcasm, I went hurriedly to the classroom, where I wrote The Death of a Little Pigeon, an article of a little over 1,000 words, to condemn the cruelty and inhumanity of science. Though unpublished, it was just as well-written as My Instant Response. I had then learned from my own experience that only with true and sincere feelings could one write something worth reading.

我受不住她的冷嘲，連忙回到教室，寫了千余字的《小鴿子之死》，咀咒科學(xué)是殘忍的，沒有人性的。這篇文章雖然沒有發(fā)表，但我覺得并不比《剎那的印象》寫得差；從此我得了一個(gè)經(jīng)驗(yàn)，要有真情實(shí)感，才能寫出好文章⑦。

此文是謝冰瑩敘述1922年她在長沙第一女子師范求學(xué)時(shí)寫第一篇散文的經(jīng)過。當(dāng)時(shí)，一軍官太太買下一個(gè)小女孩作丫頭，令人們當(dāng)眾品評該小女孩“一舉一動(dòng)的姿式”，謝對此侮辱人格的行為感到很氣憤，揮筆寫下《剎那的印象》一文，抨擊時(shí)弊，伸張正義。