雙語短文 · 我相信我總能選擇

I Believe that I Always Have a Choice　我相信我總能選擇

◎ Catherine Royce


I believe that I always have a choice. No matter what I’m doing. No matter where I am. No matter what is happening to me. I always have a choice.
Today I am sitting at my computer, speaking these words through a microphone. Although I have spent my life typing on a keyboard, I can no longer use my hands. Every day I sit at my computer speaking words instead of typing. In 2003, I was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Over time, this disease will weaken and finally destroy every significant muscle in my body. Ultimately, I will be unable to move, to speak, and finally, to breathe. Already, I am largely dependent upon others. So every day I review my choices.
Living with ALS seems a bit like going into the witness protection program. Everything I have ever known about myself, how I look, how I act, how I interact with the world, is rapidly and radically changing. And yet, with each change, I still have choice. When I could no longer type with my hands, I knew I could give up writing entirely or go through the arduous process of learning how to use voice recognition software. I’m not a young woman. This took real work. Interestingly, I write more now than ever before.
And at an even more practical level, every day I choose not only how I will live, but if I will live. I have no particular religious mandate that forbids contemplating a shorter life, an action that would deny this disease its ultimate expression. But this is where my belief in choice truly finds its power. I can choose to see ALS as nothing more than a death sentence or I can choose to see it as an invitation—an opportunity to learn who I truly am.
Even people in the witness protection program must take with them fundamental aspects of themselves which can never change. What are these aspects for me? This is what I learn every day, and so far I have discovered many unique things, but one stands out above the rest. I have discovered in myself an ability to recognize, give, and receive caring in a way far deeper than anything in my life previously. Others have seen this in me as well.
I, who have always been an intensely private and independent person, have allowed a wide circle of family and friends into the most intimate parts of my life. Previously, I would have found such a prospect appalling. I might have felt I had no choice but to embrace the assumption that living with ALS means a life of hardship and isolation. Instead, because I believe that I always have a choice, I opened myself to other possibilities. And now the very thing that at first seemed so abhorrent has graced my life with unaccustomed sweetness. It was always there. Only now I have chosen to see it. This sweetness underscores and celebrates my belief that I always have a choice.



我相信我總能選擇。無論我在做什么，無論我在哪里，無論我發(fā)生了情況，我總能選擇。
今天我坐在電腦前，通過麥克風(fēng)說了這些話。雖然一直以來我都是用鍵盤打字，但現(xiàn)在我無法再使用我的手了。所以我每天在電腦前勇敢地講話而不是打字。2003年我被診斷患有肌萎縮性脊髓側(cè)索硬化癥。隨著時間的推移，這種疾病會削弱并毀壞我身上的每一塊肌肉組織。最終，我將無法行動，無法開口說話，直至無法呼吸?，F(xiàn)在我的大部分行動都要依靠別人幫助。因此，每天我都在審視我的選擇。
我被診斷患有肌萎縮性脊髓側(cè)索硬化癥之后的生活，就像受保護的證人一樣。我對自己的一切都很了解，我的樣貌，我的行動，我與這個世界的一切互動，都從根本上發(fā)生了巨大的變化。但是，對于這所有的變化，我都有自己的選擇權(quán)。當(dāng)我無法再次使用我的雙手打字時，我就知道我只能完全放棄手寫，要經(jīng)歷漫長的過程去學(xué)如何使用聲音識別軟件。我不再是一個年輕的女人了。這對我來說真的要下一番工夫來學(xué)習(xí)。但有趣的是，現(xiàn)在我比以往任何時候都寫得更多了。
從更為實際的角度上看，我每天選擇的不僅僅是我將如何生活，而是我是否要活下去。沒有任何的宗教禁忌阻止我思考是否可以提早結(jié)束我的生命，這個選擇可以使我不必辛苦地撐到病情發(fā)展的最后一刻。就在這時，我一直堅信的選擇真的發(fā)揮了它的力量。我可以選擇把肌萎縮性脊髓側(cè)索硬化癥僅僅看做是一個死亡宣判，我也可以選擇將它看做是一個邀請——一個真正認(rèn)識我自己的機會。
即使每個在證人保護制度下生活的人也都會帶著一些他們永不改變的特質(zhì)。什么東西對我來說是永不改變的呢？這就是我每天堅持學(xué)習(xí)的東西，到目前為止，我已經(jīng)發(fā)現(xiàn)了許多奇特的事情，但最與眾不同的事情是我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己較之以往更能認(rèn)識到，給予和接受關(guān)懷比任何都能讓我獲益。其他的人也發(fā)現(xiàn)我在這方面改變了許多。
以前我是一個獨來獨往、過著十分獨立生活的人，讓更多親人和朋友進入我個人最私密的生活圈子會讓我感到害怕。得了肌萎縮性脊髓側(cè)索硬化癥后，我以為，從此我就只能過著艱難而又與世隔絕的生活。但是，因為我相信我總有選擇的余地，我愿意嘗試一切其他的可能性。原先看起來十分可怕的病，卻使我現(xiàn)在的生活變得異常甜蜜。其實幸福的生活一直在我身邊，只是我現(xiàn)在才選擇去發(fā)現(xiàn)它的存在。這種幸福感更加使我堅信：我總能選擇。