老友記第七季707 The One With Ross’s Book
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早安!嗨! 噢, 昨晚的約會(huì)怎么樣?挺好的.噢, 那就好.啊! 天啊, 對(duì)不起!好吧, 非常好. 我得走了. 要遲到了.什么, 什么?! 你就把這人扔這兒給我?!是啊, 嘿, 別擔(dān)心, 她是個(gè)很棒的女孩.還有, 能幫我個(gè)忙嗎? 她出來(lái)后告訴她, 我還不想找女友.為什么?! 什么?! 你在開玩笑嗎?!就隨便跟她一提, 讓她有心理準(zhǔn)備. 就說(shuō)我是獨(dú)行者! 不愿被束縛! 告訴她別和我這樣的人在一起. 我記不住, 就告訴她你是只豬, 行嗎?嘿, 我稍后會(huì)打電話給她! 真的! 拜托, 錢德以前就這樣幫我! 他還給女孩做薄餅?zāi)? 他總做很多還剩一些給我.別指望了, 我什么都不會(huì)告訴那女孩. 又不是我的職責(zé).好吧! 那你會(huì)把那些薄餅放哪兒?嗨!嗨.剛剛很抱歉, 可我不知怎么鎖那門.喬伊在我搬進(jìn)來(lái)后把它弄壞了.你一定是瑞秋, 我是愛爾琳.嗨.嗨. 可能這樣問(wèn)有點(diǎn)像中學(xué)生, 但他有說(shuō)過(guò)我什么嗎?你想來(lái)點(diǎn)兒薄餅嗎?別賣關(guān)子了, 我們來(lái)這里干什么?!你猜.有惹火的女孩?是這樣, 我往圖書館電腦里輸名字, 你知道的, 只是覺得好玩,我輸了自己的, 你猜找到什么?我的博士論文! 就在這里! 在大學(xué)最大的圖書館里!哇, 真酷!還有本書，女作者名叫Wendy Bagina.(Bagina, 有女人私處的意思)什么聲音?像是兩個(gè)很享受杜威十進(jìn)分類法的人. (杜威: 圖書管理專家, 發(fā)明圖書分類法)-我很抱歉! -對(duì)不起!你該不是帶我來(lái)做這個(gè)的吧?她又把雞肉退回來(lái)了?!她說(shuō)太干了, 她想進(jìn)來(lái)給你解釋她想吃什么樣的.那好吧! 我倒想見見這位吃雞專家! 把這大人物帶進(jìn)來(lái)!噢~我的~天啊!!!!幸運(yùn)的家伙! 珍妮斯.在大餐廳做靚雞肉的大廚過(guò)得怎么樣？我很好.噢!! 你手指上的是什么?! 我給刺瞎了!噢…嗯…誰(shuí)是那個(gè)幸運(yùn)的家伙?噢~我的~天啊! 寶貝對(duì)不起, 你還好嗎? 你沒告訴她我們要結(jié)婚吧?她看到了戒指.她大吃一驚?哦, 剛開始她有些震驚；不過(guò)大伙得知咱們的婚訊時(shí)都感覺震驚噢.她有了個(gè)男友叫克拉克, 她還邀請(qǐng)自己參加我們的婚禮, 克拉克也來(lái).你說(shuō)了不行, 對(duì)吧?啊?你說(shuō)不行, 是嗎?!我是被逼的! 她問(wèn)我婚禮是不是在城里舉行! 那你說(shuō)我該怎么辦?騙她!!! 那有多難?! 支票在郵件里! 噢, 你的寶寶真可愛! 我真期待你的大作, 羅斯!!讓她來(lái)我們的婚禮有那么糟嗎?你以為她會(huì)安靜的坐在那兒?jiǎn)?你不覺得她會(huì)說(shuō)祝酒辭嗎?你不覺得她會(huì)抓起麥克風(fēng)唱"兼職愛人"?!老天, 她一樣不會(huì)喜歡當(dāng)晚的雞肉, 是嗎?知道嗎? 沒事的. 她也許根本不會(huì)來(lái).真的?不! 那是騙你的! 多簡(jiǎn)單!那要是你就騙會(huì)她?對(duì)!!真的就那么簡(jiǎn)單嗎?當(dāng)然!!!那就好, 周六晚就那樣做啊, 我們要跟她和克拉克吃飯.嘿! 好啊!嘿!嘿, 你這朋友是誰(shuí)啊?嘿!!嘿, 喬伊!愛爾琳! 還在這兒!我們一起過(guò)了愉快的一天.可不是嗎? 愛爾琳這么棒! 你們也很不錯(cuò).噢, 我要走了, 今天真棒, 謝謝!-是啊! -就是!再見喬伊. 昨晚真開心.是啊, 我會(huì), 我會(huì)打電話給你的.噢, 我也會(huì)打電話給你!或者我打給你!打給我啊!好吧, 很高興再見到你.-再見. -再見了. -再見!哼, 不是說(shuō)好的嗎?!噢喬伊, 那些話我說(shuō)不出口. 和她聊過(guò)天后, 我想…我們想你娶她!什么?!!她真了不起! 你都不知道.不知道? 那你以為是誰(shuí)帶她來(lái)的?丘比特.喬伊, 她真酷. 會(huì)說(shuō)四種語(yǔ)言.哼, 你還真知道男人想要什么!喬伊, 她最適合你了! 又可愛, 又喜歡棒球, 還在午餐時(shí)喝了兩瓶啤酒.我的啤酒?!她是個(gè)不錯(cuò)的女孩. 我們?cè)谝黄鸷荛_心, 但我看不到有未來(lái).你總是那么說(shuō).也許你給這女孩一次機(jī)會(huì)就會(huì)有未來(lái).對(duì)不起了, 我可不這么想.-隨便吧. -好吧. 嘿, 別老說(shuō)我了!哼? 你愛上自己的助手!哼? 還有你, 你和在樓頂養(yǎng)鴿子的人有一腿!菲比!那是秘密!那些人就在我的書前面做!什么?我的博士論文在學(xué)校圖書館里,我去看看, 有學(xué)生就在古生物區(qū)造孩子.噢老天! 你看到什么精彩的嗎?我問(wèn)你, 你們學(xué)校有沒有個(gè)學(xué)生喜歡去做那事的地方?有啊. 在圖書館的角落里, 那里堆著從沒有人看的鋪滿了灰塵的書. 沒錯(cuò), 就在那兒.不停的有人出現(xiàn), 我想這就是那地方.等等, 五樓靠后墻那兒?噢, 連你都去過(guò)!好吧, 我們?cè)撊タ措娪傲?急什么?我想看預(yù)告片. 有糖果吃.噢嘿!看誰(shuí)來(lái)了!-嘿! -嘿!-喬伊. -愛爾琳.嘿瑞秋.嗨! 我們正準(zhǔn)備去看電影. 噢不行了!怎么了?噢菲比, 我們忘了要去一個(gè)派對(duì).噢, 忘了.什么派對(duì)?生日派對(duì).誰(shuí)的生日派對(duì)?愛莉森的生日派對(duì).噢, 愛莉森多少歲了?32. 等一下! 不如你們兩個(gè)一起去玩兒?!對(duì), 看看我們能做點(diǎn)什么. (看你們這把戲也能成功?)打擾了. 嗨, 我是這兒的教授. 你知道古生物區(qū), 五樓, 437書架嗎?哦知道! 給我五分鐘, 我要找人替一下班.不!不!!不! 我能跟負(fù)責(zé)人說(shuō)話嗎!我能幫你什么嗎?嗨, 能不能在古生物區(qū)加強(qiáng)保安?我寫了本書在那兒, 那些人不讀, 反而在那兒滾來(lái)滾去的.我們已經(jīng)意識(shí)到這個(gè)問(wèn)題. 可我們?nèi)耸植蛔? 幫不了你.好吧, 算了! 就我欣賞這些神圣的文字, 我自己去保護(hù)好了!你別跟著我!-嘿. -嘿!和愛爾琳過(guò)的怎么樣?噢, 真難以置信! 太開心了!真好!! 就是說(shuō)你不生我們的氣了?當(dāng)然不啦! 你們完全正確! 這次比第一次和她出去好多了. 那次我們不熟悉, 又很緊張.你不是和她睡了嗎?是啊, 那確實(shí)讓我放松了不少.我們有好多共同之處! 她喜歡三明治, 體育, 雖然她是大都會(huì)隊(duì)球迷(棒球隊(duì)),現(xiàn)在無(wú)所謂, 但如果我們有了孩子…噢天啊! 聽你說(shuō)到生孩子. 噢喬伊, 請(qǐng)不要比我先結(jié)婚.好的.噢. 想不到克拉克竟然放我鴿子!他還是有可能出現(xiàn)的.你是傻瓜嗎? 已經(jīng)過(guò)了三個(gè)小時(shí)了.不止吧?我還是想想高興的事. 給我講講你們可愛的婚禮吧.其實(shí)我們正要告訴你有關(guān)婚禮的事.只會(huì)舉行一個(gè)小儀式, 很小的! 我們都不知道為什么要辦.只有家人參加.噢…等等…你們把我當(dāng)成家人?!噢, 我有個(gè)問(wèn)題, 要老實(shí)回答,你們想我唱"無(wú)心快語(yǔ)"還是"紅衣女郎"?你怎么能這么說(shuō)?! 大都會(huì)隊(duì)還差的遠(yuǎn)呢!那Benitez(大都會(huì)隊(duì)主力)打的好吧?第一場(chǎng)他打的好嗎?閉嘴好不好?你閉嘴! 我喜歡和她拌嘴. 我一會(huì)兒就來(lái).好. 覺得和喬伊在一起怎么樣?嗯, 還好.只是還好? 告訴我你喜歡他. 他是個(gè)不錯(cuò)的男人, 我知道你們很想我們能成, 我只是看不到有未來(lái).可你說(shuō)過(guò)喜歡他! 怎么回事? 你改變主意了嗎?!算是吧.那就改回去!對(duì)不起, 我們之間沒有真正的火花.沒火花? 你不是和他睡過(guò)了嗎?是啊.啊, 淫蕩!喬伊知道嗎?我想他不知道. 這樣吧,你們可以跟他說(shuō). 告訴他我不想找男友.你是說(shuō)你是個(gè)獨(dú)行者.對(duì)! 就這么說(shuō)!也許你還是個(gè)STRONZO.什么?噢, 我想意大利語(yǔ)不是你會(huì)說(shuō)的四種之一.嘿! 走了嗎?好, 咱們走吧.好. 待會(huì)兒見.-再見. -好, 再見.嘿, 太謝謝你們了.我想不是丘比特帶她來(lái)的.不是, 只是個(gè)普通的會(huì)飛的老侏儒.能幫你們什么嗎?我們…我們只是隨便看看.噢, 噢. 你們只是同學(xué). 你們究竟在找什么呢?也許, 也許是找切斯特斯達(dá)克博士有關(guān)冰川時(shí)期的冥想?啊…啊…啊…快滾開!在等人嗎? 還是來(lái)這兒復(fù)習(xí)馬里恩對(duì)進(jìn)化論的看法?其實(shí)我覺得馬里恩的見解太前衛(wèi)了.我覺得馬里恩的見解太前衛(wèi)了.對(duì)不起, 你是誰(shuí)?我是這里的教授. 羅斯蓋勒.羅斯蓋勒, 我怎么知道那名字? 等等!這是你寫的嗎?是啊! 你看過(guò)我的書?!你和我想象的不一樣. 你好年輕.這個(gè), 嗯, 我跳過(guò)級(jí).非?！浅１?-嘿! -嘿! -嗨!你的約會(huì)怎么樣?噢, 真棒! 我們?cè)谥車⒉? 去雪糕店分享了杯奶昔, 我們?nèi)唛_, 但也其樂(lè)融融… 下次我要帶她去住郊外的小旅館享受床鋪加早餐式的舒適服務(wù)真的? 她說(shuō)愿意和你去?不, 沒有! 是個(gè)驚喜, 但有些棘手, 她說(shuō)將要忙一段時(shí)間.噢, 是這樣.喬伊, 親愛的, 我們得談一下.今天從她那感覺到, 她不想找固定男友.你從哪兒感覺到的?她告訴我的. 她說(shuō)她算是個(gè)獨(dú)行者.噢. 噢.喬伊…嘿瑞秋, 沒事的, 我也是個(gè)獨(dú)行者, 對(duì)吧?喬伊, 知道嗎? 她配不上你.我保證下次就只是說(shuō)再見, 告訴她們你不要固定女友.不! 不要那樣, 只要下次確定她真的喜歡我.那當(dāng)然. 喬伊?啊?想來(lái)點(diǎn)兒薄餅嗎?這才像話!我們?cè)撛趺崔k?我說(shuō)咱們選她唱"無(wú)心快語(yǔ)".錢德?她看到我們了嗎? 看到了嗎?珍妮斯, 你, 你來(lái)干嘛?我本想回家, 但我今晚不想一個(gè)人.不知能不能來(lái)這兒和你們?cè)谝黄? 我真的很想和家人在一起.我們的孩子得叫她珍妮斯嬸嬸, 是不?求你們了, 不然真不知自己會(huì)做出什么傻事.你難道沒有一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)好奇，想知道這傻事究竟是什么嗎？有紙巾嗎?有, 在, 在浴室里.好的! 我們只能…只能讓她留下了.不行, 一讓她留下, 她就永遠(yuǎn)不走了!有點(diǎn)像你的躺椅.你現(xiàn)在就在想這個(gè)?我從沒停過(guò)想這個(gè).我洗澡之前你們還要用浴室嗎?珍妮斯, 對(duì)不起, 你不能在這兒過(guò)夜.為什么不能?說(shuō)實(shí)話, 我們家是電磁活躍的溫床.莫妮卡和我現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)有免疫力, 你沒有好, 我得要條羊毛圍巾, 你們有沒有防過(guò)敏那種, 不然我會(huì)發(fā)出鼻音,你們養(yǎng)貓了? 已經(jīng)開始了, 聽見嗎?噢天啊! 噢天啊! 你得走!為什么?因?yàn)殄X德對(duì)你仍有感覺!是嗎?再說(shuō)一遍?沒錯(cuò). 沒錯(cuò). 這就是為什么你不能在這兒過(guò)夜.也是為什么你不該來(lái)我們的婚禮.這種感覺, 非常強(qiáng)烈的感覺.他對(duì)你的感覺也許不會(huì)完全消失, 但你可以.噢…我的天啊, 我明白了. 很抱歉, 我這就走.再見莫妮卡, 祝你和他永遠(yuǎn)幸福.錢德, 你們兩個(gè)弄砸了就打電話給我.放心, 我已經(jīng)檢查過(guò)這一區(qū). 我拿這小寶貝來(lái)照人們的眼睛, 遲點(diǎn)見.我只是帶莫妮卡來(lái)看你的書.
707 The One With Ross’s Book
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up.]
Joey: Morning!
Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?
Joey: Pretty good.
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I’m late for work.
Rachel: What-what?! You’re gonna leave this person with me?!
Joey: Yeah—Hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I’m not looking for a serious relationship; that’d be great.
Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
Joey: Just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I’m a loner—No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel: Y’know what? That’s a lot to remember, can’t I just tell her you’re a pig?
Joey: Hey, I’m gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He’d even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me.
Rachel: Well forget it, I’m not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.
Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, where’d we land on those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.)
Joey’s Date: Hi!
Rachel: Hi.
Joey’s Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn’t get that lock to work on the door.
Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
Joey’s Date: You must be Rachel, I’m Erin.
Rachel: Hi.
Erin: Hi. I don’t mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?
Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?
Opening Credits
[Scene: N.Y.U’s University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]
Chandler: …Come on! Why are we here?!
Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.
(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
Chandler: The hot chicks?
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y’know-y’know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It’s here! Yeah, it’s right-it’s right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
Chandler: Wow that’s actually pretty cool.
Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there’s also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?
Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I’m so sorry!
Male Student: Sorry!
Chandler: You didn’t bring me here to do that, did you?
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]
Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!
The Waitress: She says it’s to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn’t taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can’t be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
The Colonel: OH…MY…GAWD!!!! (Yep, it’s Janice.)
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet’s most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She’s the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)
Monica: I’m fine.
Janice: (notices Monica’s engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I’m blind!
Monica: Oh… Uh…
Janice: So, who’s the lucky guy?
[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.]
Chandler: OH…MY…GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn’t tell her we were getting married, did you?
Monica: Well, she saw the ring.
Chandler: Did she freak out?
Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people.
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y’know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler: (laughs) You said no right?
Monica: Huh?
Chandler: You said no right?!
Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check’s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can’t wait to read your book Ross!!
Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won’t be so bad.
Chandler: What do you think she’s just gonna sit there quietly? You don’t think she’s gonna want to make a toast? You don’t think she’s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Monica: Oh my God, she’s not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!
Chandler: Y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. Y’know what? She’s probably not gonna even want to come.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
Monica: So-so you would’ve just lied?
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Would it really have been that easy?
Chandler: Yes!!!
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we’re going to dinner with her and Clark.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]
Joey: Hey! What’s up?
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, who’s your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!
Erin: Hey Joey!
Joey: Erin! Still here!
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey: Why wouldn’t ya? Erin is great! Then-then there’s you guys.
Erin: Ohh, listen. I’ve got to get going. Today was great, thanks!
Rachel: I know!
Phoebe: Okay!
Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.
Joey: Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll call ya.
Rachel: Oh and I’ll call ya too!
Erin: Or I’ll call you!
Phoebe: And call me!
Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
Erin: Bye.
Joey: Bye-bye.
Rachel: Bye!
(Joey closes the door behind her.)
Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!
Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m sorry I just couldn’t tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y’know we got to talking and I…
Phoebe: We want you to marry her!
Joey: What?!!
Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.
Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?
Rachel: Cupid.
Phoebe: Joey, she’s so cool. She speaks four languages.
Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!
Rachel: Look Joey, come on she’s so perfect for you! I mean she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.
Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just—I don’t see it going anywhere.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
Joey: Look I’m sorry you guys, I-I just don’t think so.
Phoebe: Whatever.
Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
Joey: Hey, don’t start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You’re the one who’s in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you’re the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Secret affair!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
Rachel: I’m sorry?
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin’ babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was—there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read—Yes, there was.
Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it’s like uh-a thing!
Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
Ross: Oh for cryin’ out loud! (He storms out.)
Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.
Rachel: Well now what’s the rush?
Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.
Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!
Rachel: Well look who’s here!
Erin: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Erin: Joey.
Joey: Erin.
Erin: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Erin: What’s wrong?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Joey: (skeptical) What party?
Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Joey: Who’s birthday party?
Phoebe and Rachel: Allison’s birthday party.
Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how is Allison?
Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey’s not buying it.)
Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don’t you guys do something?!
Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]
Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I’m a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I’m afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can’t help you.
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I’m the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I’ll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don’t you follow me!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: How did it go with Erin?
Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore?
Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y’know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.
Phoebe: Didn’t you sleep together?
Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that’s a…
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin’ about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don’t get married before I do.
Joey: Okay.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!
Monica: He might still show up.
Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It’s been three hours.
Monica: Is that all?
Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don’t you tell about your lovely wedding?
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it’s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We’re not even sure why we’re having it.
Monica: It’s actually going to be just family.
Janice: Oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]
Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!
Erin: What about Benitez?
Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?
Erin: What about shut up?
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I’ll be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Rachel: So how’s it goin’ with Joey?
Erin: Uh, okay.
Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.
Erin: Look, he’s a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don’t see this having a future.
Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!
Erin: Kinda.
Phoebe: Then change it back!
Erin: I’m sorry I… It’s just there’s no real spark.
Phoebe: No spark? Didn’t you sleep together?
Erin: Yeah.
Rachel: Ugh, tramp!
Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?
Erin: I really don’t think he does. And y’know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y’know, tell him I’m-I’m not interested in a serious relationship or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you’re kind of a loner.
Erin: Yeah! That would be great!
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you’re a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn’t matter what she said. It’s not important so I don’t need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
Erin: I’m sorry?
Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak.
Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?
Erin: Yeah, let’s go.
Joey: Okay. See you guys later.
Erin: Bye guys.
Rachel: Yeah, see ya.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.
Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]
Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?
Guy: Yeah, we were…we were just looking around.
Ross: Oh-oh, you’re-you’re fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock’s musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
Guy: Uhh….
Ross: Ah… Ah…Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion’s views on evolution?
Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.
Ross: I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.
Woman: I’m sorry, who are you?
Ross: I’m a professor here uh, Ross…Geller.
Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It’s uh—Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?
Ross: Yes! You’re the person who checked out my book?!
Woman: Y’know, you look nothing like I would’ve thought. You’re…you’re so young.
Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
Ross: I am very…very sorry.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: So how was, how was your date?
Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… And guess what, I’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It’s a surprise, but it’s gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship.
Joey: Where are you gettin’ this?
Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she’s kinda a loner.
Joey: Oh. Oh.
Rachel: Joey…
Joey: No hey Rach, it’s cool okay? Y’know I’m a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?
Phoebe: Hey Joey, y’know what? You are way to good for her.
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship.
Joey: No! No. Don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me.
Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you want some pancakes?
Joey: (coming back out) Finally!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Monica: What are we gonna do?
Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
(There’s a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn’t really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren’t they?
Janice: Please, it’s because otherwise I really don’t know what I might do.
Chandler: Aren’t you just a tinsy bit curious?
Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.
Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom)
Monica: We’ll just…we’ll just let her stay.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!
Monica: Kinda like your Barca lounger.
Chandler: Is that what you’re thinking about right now?
Monica: I never stop thinking about it.
Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath.
Chandler: Janice, I’m sorry but umm, you can’t stay here tonight.
Janice: Why not?
Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
(And she does the laugh.)
Janice: Okay, I’m going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? ‘Cause it’s already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
(Chandler does the same nasal sound to Chandler.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!
Janice: Why?
Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for you!
Janice: He does?
Chandler: Say again?
Monica: That’s right. That’s right. And that is why you can’t stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn’t come to the wedding.
Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings.
Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can.
Janice: Oh…my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I’ll go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.]
Ross: (to the guard) Don’t sweat it, I’ve got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I’ve got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people’s eye—(The guard walks away)—Okay, see you later.
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)
Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)
End
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up.]
Joey: Morning!
Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?
Joey: Pretty good.
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I’m late for work.
Rachel: What-what?! You’re gonna leave this person with me?!
Joey: Yeah—Hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I’m not looking for a serious relationship; that’d be great.
Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
Joey: Just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I’m a loner—No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel: Y’know what? That’s a lot to remember, can’t I just tell her you’re a pig?
Joey: Hey, I’m gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He’d even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me.
Rachel: Well forget it, I’m not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.
Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, where’d we land on those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.)
Joey’s Date: Hi!
Rachel: Hi.
Joey’s Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn’t get that lock to work on the door.
Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
Joey’s Date: You must be Rachel, I’m Erin.
Rachel: Hi.
Erin: Hi. I don’t mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?
Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?
Opening Credits
[Scene: N.Y.U’s University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]
Chandler: …Come on! Why are we here?!
Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.
(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
Chandler: The hot chicks?
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y’know-y’know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It’s here! Yeah, it’s right-it’s right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
Chandler: Wow that’s actually pretty cool.
Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there’s also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?
Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I’m so sorry!
Male Student: Sorry!
Chandler: You didn’t bring me here to do that, did you?
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]
Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!
The Waitress: She says it’s to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn’t taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can’t be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
The Colonel: OH…MY…GAWD!!!! (Yep, it’s Janice.)
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet’s most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She’s the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)
Monica: I’m fine.
Janice: (notices Monica’s engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I’m blind!
Monica: Oh… Uh…
Janice: So, who’s the lucky guy?
[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.]
Chandler: OH…MY…GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn’t tell her we were getting married, did you?
Monica: Well, she saw the ring.
Chandler: Did she freak out?
Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people.
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y’know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler: (laughs) You said no right?
Monica: Huh?
Chandler: You said no right?!
Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check’s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can’t wait to read your book Ross!!
Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won’t be so bad.
Chandler: What do you think she’s just gonna sit there quietly? You don’t think she’s gonna want to make a toast? You don’t think she’s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Monica: Oh my God, she’s not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!
Chandler: Y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. Y’know what? She’s probably not gonna even want to come.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
Monica: So-so you would’ve just lied?
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Would it really have been that easy?
Chandler: Yes!!!
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we’re going to dinner with her and Clark.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]
Joey: Hey! What’s up?
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, who’s your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!
Erin: Hey Joey!
Joey: Erin! Still here!
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey: Why wouldn’t ya? Erin is great! Then-then there’s you guys.
Erin: Ohh, listen. I’ve got to get going. Today was great, thanks!
Rachel: I know!
Phoebe: Okay!
Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.
Joey: Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll call ya.
Rachel: Oh and I’ll call ya too!
Erin: Or I’ll call you!
Phoebe: And call me!
Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
Erin: Bye.
Joey: Bye-bye.
Rachel: Bye!
(Joey closes the door behind her.)
Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!
Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m sorry I just couldn’t tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y’know we got to talking and I…
Phoebe: We want you to marry her!
Joey: What?!!
Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.
Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?
Rachel: Cupid.
Phoebe: Joey, she’s so cool. She speaks four languages.
Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!
Rachel: Look Joey, come on she’s so perfect for you! I mean she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.
Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just—I don’t see it going anywhere.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
Joey: Look I’m sorry you guys, I-I just don’t think so.
Phoebe: Whatever.
Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
Joey: Hey, don’t start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You’re the one who’s in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you’re the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Secret affair!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
Rachel: I’m sorry?
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin’ babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was—there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read—Yes, there was.
Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it’s like uh-a thing!
Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
Ross: Oh for cryin’ out loud! (He storms out.)
Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.
Rachel: Well now what’s the rush?
Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.
Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!
Rachel: Well look who’s here!
Erin: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Erin: Joey.
Joey: Erin.
Erin: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Erin: What’s wrong?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Joey: (skeptical) What party?
Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Joey: Who’s birthday party?
Phoebe and Rachel: Allison’s birthday party.
Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how is Allison?
Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey’s not buying it.)
Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don’t you guys do something?!
Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]
Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I’m a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I’m afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can’t help you.
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I’m the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I’ll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don’t you follow me!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: How did it go with Erin?
Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore?
Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y’know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.
Phoebe: Didn’t you sleep together?
Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that’s a…
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin’ about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don’t get married before I do.
Joey: Okay.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!
Monica: He might still show up.
Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It’s been three hours.
Monica: Is that all?
Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don’t you tell about your lovely wedding?
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it’s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We’re not even sure why we’re having it.
Monica: It’s actually going to be just family.
Janice: Oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]
Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!
Erin: What about Benitez?
Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?
Erin: What about shut up?
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I’ll be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Rachel: So how’s it goin’ with Joey?
Erin: Uh, okay.
Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.
Erin: Look, he’s a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don’t see this having a future.
Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!
Erin: Kinda.
Phoebe: Then change it back!
Erin: I’m sorry I… It’s just there’s no real spark.
Phoebe: No spark? Didn’t you sleep together?
Erin: Yeah.
Rachel: Ugh, tramp!
Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?
Erin: I really don’t think he does. And y’know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y’know, tell him I’m-I’m not interested in a serious relationship or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you’re kind of a loner.
Erin: Yeah! That would be great!
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you’re a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn’t matter what she said. It’s not important so I don’t need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
Erin: I’m sorry?
Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak.
Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?
Erin: Yeah, let’s go.
Joey: Okay. See you guys later.
Erin: Bye guys.
Rachel: Yeah, see ya.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.
Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]
Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?
Guy: Yeah, we were…we were just looking around.
Ross: Oh-oh, you’re-you’re fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock’s musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
Guy: Uhh….
Ross: Ah… Ah…Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion’s views on evolution?
Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.
Ross: I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.
Woman: I’m sorry, who are you?
Ross: I’m a professor here uh, Ross…Geller.
Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It’s uh—Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?
Ross: Yes! You’re the person who checked out my book?!
Woman: Y’know, you look nothing like I would’ve thought. You’re…you’re so young.
Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
Ross: I am very…very sorry.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: So how was, how was your date?
Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… And guess what, I’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It’s a surprise, but it’s gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship.
Joey: Where are you gettin’ this?
Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she’s kinda a loner.
Joey: Oh. Oh.
Rachel: Joey…
Joey: No hey Rach, it’s cool okay? Y’know I’m a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?
Phoebe: Hey Joey, y’know what? You are way to good for her.
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship.
Joey: No! No. Don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me.
Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you want some pancakes?
Joey: (coming back out) Finally!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Monica: What are we gonna do?
Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
(There’s a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn’t really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren’t they?
Janice: Please, it’s because otherwise I really don’t know what I might do.
Chandler: Aren’t you just a tinsy bit curious?
Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.
Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom)
Monica: We’ll just…we’ll just let her stay.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!
Monica: Kinda like your Barca lounger.
Chandler: Is that what you’re thinking about right now?
Monica: I never stop thinking about it.
Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath.
Chandler: Janice, I’m sorry but umm, you can’t stay here tonight.
Janice: Why not?
Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
(And she does the laugh.)
Janice: Okay, I’m going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? ‘Cause it’s already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
(Chandler does the same nasal sound to Chandler.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!
Janice: Why?
Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for you!
Janice: He does?
Chandler: Say again?
Monica: That’s right. That’s right. And that is why you can’t stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn’t come to the wedding.
Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings.
Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can.
Janice: Oh…my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I’ll go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.]
Ross: (to the guard) Don’t sweat it, I’ve got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I’ve got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people’s eye—(The guard walks away)—Okay, see you later.
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)
Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)
End
