說“不”的藝術(shù)

No. It’s a simple word, but it can be so difficult to say. Whether it’s a favor asked by a friend, or a request from a colleague, many people will say “yes” because they hate to let others down and saying “no” makes them feel uncomfortable.

一個(gè)簡單的“不”字往往令人難以啟齒。不論是朋友的求助還是同事的請求，很多人都會說“好”，因?yàn)樗麄儾幌肓顚Ψ绞艺f“不”也會讓他們自己感到別扭。

According to an article in The Wall Street Journal, people will even agree to unethical requests rather than risk the discomfort of saying no. In a recent study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers recruited 25 college students and had them ask 108 strangers tovandalize a library book by writing a word in ink on one of the pages. While many of the strangers pointed out it was the wrong thing to do, or asked the students to take responsibility for any repercussions, half of the strangers agreed to deface the book — much more than the average of 29 percent that the students predicted. “One of our most fundamental needs is for social connection and a feeling that we belong” Vanessa Bohns, who led the study, told The Wall Street Journal. “Saying ‘no’ feels threatening to our relationships.”

《華爾街日報(bào)》的一篇文章寫道，人們?yōu)榱艘?guī)避說“不”所帶來的不快，寧愿答應(yīng)一些“不情之請”。《性格與社會心理學(xué)公報(bào)》近期刊登了一篇調(diào)查研究，研究小組招募了25名大學(xué)生，派他們請求108位陌生人在圖書館的書上涂鴉。盡管很多人指責(zé)該行為，或要求學(xué)生們對后果負(fù)責(zé)，但仍有一半的陌生人同意在書上寫字，該比例遠(yuǎn)超學(xué)生們之前預(yù)想的29%這一平均比例。“我們的基本需求之一就是社會關(guān)系和歸屬感，”該研究項(xiàng)目帶頭人瓦妮莎•伯恩斯在接受《華爾街日報(bào)》采訪時(shí)表示，“人們覺得，說‘不’會威脅到他們的人際關(guān)系。”

And we worry that saying no will change the way the other person views us. If you have a reputation of being a helpful and accommodating person, it is even harder to say no because you don’t want to hurt that good reputation, says Adam Grant, a professor at The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.

“此外，我們還擔(dān)心說‘不’會改變別人對我們的看法。如果你已經(jīng)樹立起一種樂于助人、隨和通融的形象，便會因?yàn)椴幌雽⑵錃в谝坏?，更加難以說‘不’。”賓夕法尼亞大學(xué)沃頓商學(xué)院教授亞當(dāng)•格蘭特說道。

“Every ‘no’ is a missed opportunity to make a difference and build a relationship,” Grant wrote in a column for The Huffington Post.

在為《赫芬頓郵報(bào)》撰寫的專欄文章中，格蘭特寫道：“每說一次‘不’，就意味著你錯失了一個(gè)扭轉(zhuǎn)乾坤和建立關(guān)系的良機(jī)。”

Choose wisely

明智之選

Saying no is a rejection and a lot of times it does hurt feelings. But even so, psychologists say, most people probably won’t take our “no” as badly as we think they will. That’s because of something called a “harshness bias” — our tendency to believe others will judge us more severely than they actually do.

說“不”就意味著拒絕，這在很多情況下的確很傷感情。然而，心理學(xué)家指出，即便如此，大多數(shù)人可能并不像我們想得那樣在意“不”字。這是出于一種“嚴(yán)重性偏向”心理——我們往往會把別人對我們的實(shí)際評價(jià)估計(jì)得過于嚴(yán)重。

For those people pleasers, Grant says there’s a big difference between pleasing people and helping them. “Being a giver is not about saying yes to all of the people all of the time to all of the requests. It’s about saying yes to some of the people (generous givers who will return your favor, but not necessarily the selfish takers) some of the time (when it won’t compromise your own goals and ambitions) to some of the requests (when you have resources or skills that are uniquely relevant).”

格蘭特認(rèn)為，對于那些取悅別人的人而言，取悅與幫助之間存在巨大差別。“給予者并不意味著任何時(shí)候?qū)τ谌魏稳说娜魏我蠖家f‘好’，而是在一些時(shí)候(在不損害個(gè)人目標(biāo)和抱負(fù)的前提下)對一些人(是那些滴水之恩，涌泉相報(bào)的人，而不是那些自私自利的索取者)的一些要求(當(dāng)只有你具備相關(guān)的資源和能力時(shí))說‘好’。”

Always saying yes can make us overcommitted and put us under too much pressure. Saying no helps us protect our own priorities, psychologist Judith Sills told The Wall Street Journal. Another important reason to say no, Sills says, is it keeps us from caving in to peer pressure. “To have your own values, sometimes you have to say ‘no’ to people with whom you don’t agree,” Sills says.

“一味的‘老好人’會讓我們過于受制于人，倍感壓力。相反，說‘不’則會幫助我們優(yōu)先處理自己的事務(wù)。”心理學(xué)家朱迪斯•希爾斯在接受《華爾街日報(bào)》訪問時(shí)說。“另一個(gè)說‘不’的重要原因是，”希爾斯說，“它能讓我們避免向同輩壓力屈服。保持自己的原則，有時(shí)候不同意別人的情況下你必須說‘不’。”