I must write to you from this place, my dear Lotte, from a small room in a country inn, where I have taken shelter from a severe storm. During my whole residence in that wretched place D—, where I lived amongst strangers,—strangers, indeed, to this heart,—I never at any time felt the smallest inclination to correspond with you; but in this cottage, in this retirement, in this solitude, with the snow and hail beating against my lattice-pane, you are my first thought. The instant I entered, your figure rose up before me, and the remembrance! O my Lotte, the sacred, tender remembrance! Gracious Heaven! restore to me the happy moment of our first acquaintance.
Could you but see me, my dear Lotte, in the whirl of dissipation,— how my senses are dried up, but my heart is at no time full. I enjoy no single moment of happiness: all is vain—nothing touches me. I stand, as it were, before the raree-show: I see the little puppets move, and I ask whether it is not an optical illusion. I am amused with these puppets, or, rather, I am myself one of them: but, when I sometimes grasp my neighbour’s hand, I feel that it is not natural; and I withdraw mine with a shudder. In the evening I say I will enjoy the next morning’s sunrise, and yet I remain in bed: in the day I promise to ramble by moonlight; and I, nevertheless, remain at home. I know not why I rise, nor why I go to sleep.
The leaven which animated my existence is gone: the charm which cheered me in the gloom of night, and aroused me from my morning slumbers, is for ever fled.
I have found but one being here to interest me, a Miss B—. She resembles you, my dear Lotte, if any one can possibly resemble you. “Ah!” you will say, “he has learned how to pay fine compliments.” And this is partly true. I have been very agreeable lately, as it was not in my power to be otherwise. I have, moreover, a deal of wit: and the ladies say that no one understands flattery better, or falsehoods you will add; since the one accomplishment invariably accompanies the other. But I must tell you of Miss B—. She has abundance of soul, which flashes from her deep blue eyes. Her rank is a torment to her, and satisfies no one desire of her heart. She would gladly retire from this whirl of fashion, and we often picture to ourselves a life of undisturbed happiness in distant scenes of rural retirement: and then we speak of you, my dear Lotte; for she knows you, and renders homage to your merits; but her homage is not exacted, but voluntary, she loves you, and delights to hear you made the subject of conversation.
Oh, that I were sitting at your feet in your favourite little room, with the dear children playing around us! If they became troublesome to you, I would tell them some appalling goblin story; and they would crowd round me with silent attention. The sun is setting in glory; his last rays are shining on the snow, which covers the face of the country: the storm is over, and I must return to my dungeon. Adieu!—Is Albert with you? and what is he to you? God forgive the question.
親愛(ài)的綠蒂,我剛才為避一場(chǎng)暴風(fēng)雪逃進(jìn)了一家鄉(xiāng)村小客棧;只有到了這兒,我才能給你寫(xiě)信。多久我還困在D城那可悲的窠巢里,忙碌在那班對(duì)于我的心來(lái)說(shuō)完全是陌生的人們中間,多久我的心就不會(huì)叫我寫(xiě)信給你??裳巯拢谶@所茅屋中是如此寂寞,如此湫隘,雪和冰雹正撲打著我的小窗,在這兒我的第一個(gè)思念卻是你。我一踏進(jìn)門(mén),你的倩影便出現(xiàn)在我的眼前,喚起了我對(duì)你的回憶,綠蒂呵,那么神圣,那么溫馨的回憶!仁慈的上帝,這是許久以來(lái)你賜予我的第一個(gè)幸福時(shí)刻啊!
親愛(ài)的,你哪知道我已變得多么心神不定,知覺(jué)麻木!我的心沒(méi)有一刻充實(shí),沒(méi)有一刻幸福!空虛呀!空虛呀!我好像站在一架西洋鏡前,看見(jiàn)人兒馬兒在我眼前轉(zhuǎn)來(lái)轉(zhuǎn)去,不禁經(jīng)常問(wèn)自己,這是不是光學(xué)把戲呢?其實(shí),我自己也參加了玩這把戲,或者更正確地說(shuō),也像個(gè)木偶似的被人玩,偶爾觸到旁邊一個(gè)人的木手,便嚇得戰(zhàn)栗著縮了回來(lái)。晚上,我下決心要享受日出,到了早晨卻起不來(lái)床;白天,我希望能欣賞月色,天黑了又待在房中出不去。我鬧不明白,我干嗎起身,干嗎就寢。
我的生活缺少了酵母;使我深夜仍精神飽滿,一大早就跳下床來(lái)的興奮劑已不知拋到了何處。
在此地我只結(jié)識(shí)了一個(gè)女子,一位名叫封·B的小姐;她就像你啊,親愛(ài)的綠蒂,如果說(shuō)誰(shuí)還能像你的話?!鞍?,”你會(huì)說(shuō),“瞧這人才會(huì)獻(xiàn)殷勤哩!”——此話倒也并非完全不對(duì);一些時(shí)候以來(lái),我的確變得有禮貌多了,機(jī)靈多了——不如此不行呵——。所以女士們講:誰(shuí)也不如我會(huì)說(shuō)奉承話?!斑€有騙人的話?!蹦銜?huì)補(bǔ)充說(shuō)。可是,不如此不行呵,你懂嗎?——讓我還是講封·B小姐吧。她是一個(gè)重感情的姑娘,這從她那一雙明亮的藍(lán)眼睛里可以看出來(lái)。她的貴族身份只是她的負(fù)擔(dān),滿足不了她的任何一個(gè)愿望。她渴望離開(kāi)擾攘的人群,我不止一次陪著她幻想過(guò)田園生活的純凈的幸福,啊,還幻想過(guò)你!她是多么經(jīng)常地不得不崇拜你呵。不,不是不得不,而是自愿;她非常愿意聽(tīng)我講你的情況,并且愛(ài)你。
呵,我真愿能再坐在你腳邊,坐在那間舒適可愛(ài)的小房間里,看著我們親愛(ài)的孩子們?cè)谖业闹車螋[嬉戲!要是你嫌他們吵得太厲害,我就可以讓他們聚到我身邊來(lái),安安靜靜聽(tīng)我講一個(gè)可怕的故事。
美麗的夕陽(yáng)慢慢沉落在閃著雪光的原野上,暴風(fēng)雪過(guò)去了,而我呢,又必須把自己關(guān)進(jìn)我那籠子里去……
再見(jiàn)!阿爾伯特和你在一起嗎?你究竟過(guò)得……上帝饒恕我提這個(gè)問(wèn)題!
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