演講MP3+雙語文稿:關(guān)于辦公室戀情常見的7個問題

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【演講者及介紹】Amy Nicole Baker

組織心理學(xué)家艾米·尼科爾·貝克是紐黑文大學(xué)心理學(xué)副教授。

【演講主題】關(guān)于辦公室戀情的7個常見問題

【中英文字幕】

翻譯者 Leslie Gauthier 校對者Krystian Aparta

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(Music)

(音樂）

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[The Way We Work]

我們的工作方式

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How do we manage the boundaries between our personal and professional lives? How do we deal with gender imbalances and power dynamics in the workplace? There's a lot of gray area in workplace romance. I'd like to take a few minutes and answer some of your frequently asked questions.

我們?nèi)绾喂芾砦覀兊?個人和職業(yè)生活的界限？ 我們?nèi)绾翁幚砺殘鲋?的性別失衡和權(quán)力動態(tài)？ 職場戀情有很多灰色地帶。 我想花幾分鐘 回答你們經(jīng)常問到的問題。

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So, question one: Should I date my coworker? Uh ... it depends. Do you want to date your coworker for a bit of fun? Do you want to date your coworker to hook up? Because then you're really better off on Tinder. If you want to date your coworker because you really, sincerely think you're falling in love with them or there's a real potential for a long-term, committed relationship, maybe you should date your coworker. Studies show that your coworkers are generally positive about it if they perceive that you're falling in love and genuinely care about each other. It's when your coworkers sense that something else is in play -- that can be disruptive.

所以，問題1：我應(yīng)該和同事約會嗎？ 呃…這得看情況。 你和同事約會是想找樂子嗎？ 你和同事約會是為了勾搭嗎？ 因為那樣的話你在Tinder上的效果會更好。 如果你想和同事約會 是因為你真是，真誠地認為你墮入愛河了， 或者有發(fā)展一段真正的， 長期的，承諾的感情潛力， 也許你應(yīng)該和你的同事約會。 研究表明，你的同事通常對此非常積極， 如果他們感到你陷入愛河 并真正關(guān)心彼此。 當你的同事意識到有其他因素時—— 這可能是破壞性的。

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Question two: Should I date my boss? In almost all cases, no, you should not date your boss, because now, you've got a power dynamic. When there's a relationship between a boss and a subordinate, it generates a lot of negative feelings, and the negative feelings tend to fall on the person who's lower on the totem pole. People usually assume some kind of favoritism, some kind of inside knowledge, and there can be resentment stirred up by that. There was a study published last year that suggested dating a superior can even have a negative impact on your career. The researchers asked third-party evaluators online to imagine that they worked at a law firm. They asked them to make recommendations on which employee should get picked for a special training program and which should get promoted to partner. They looked at credentials for imaginary employees, and when it was stated that an employee had been dating or was in a relationship with a superior, the evaluators were less likely to pick that person for the training program or the promotion, even if they had the exact same credentials as someone who wasn't dating their boss. The evaluators were also quick to dismiss their accomplishments.

問題2： 我應(yīng)該和老板約會嗎？ 在幾乎所有的場合，不要， 你不應(yīng)該和你老板約會， 因為現(xiàn)在，你會面臨一場權(quán)力動態(tài)。 當老板和下屬有關(guān)系的時候， 它會產(chǎn)生很多負面情緒， 負面情緒傾向于落在 地位較低的人身上。 人們通常會認為存在偏袒， 內(nèi)部知識， 這可能會激起怨恨。 去年發(fā)布的研究顯示 和高層約會甚至?xí)δ愕?職業(yè)生涯造成負面影響。 研究人員在線詢問第三方評估者 去想象一下他們在律師事務(wù)所工作。 他們讓他們推薦哪個員工應(yīng)該挑選來 參加特殊培訓(xùn)項目 以及哪個員工應(yīng)該晉升為合伙人。 他們研究了虛構(gòu)員工的證書， 當被告知有員工與更高層正在約會 或者有過一段感情經(jīng)歷時， 評估者更不可能挑選這個人參與培訓(xùn)項目 或者晉升， 即便她們擁有和那些 沒有和老板約會的人同樣的資歷。 評估者很快否定了她們的成就。

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Question three: Can I date someone who reports to me? Still a big no. You may not feel like you're really the boss, right? But you are, and there's a power dynamic there that's simply not there for other couples. If you really believe there is a sincere, honestly felt, personal connection that would be lasting and meaningful, one of you may need to move, and it shouldn't always be the person who's lower in the company pecking order.

問題3： 我可以和向我匯報的人約會嗎？ 仍然不能。 你可能會感到你不是真正的老板，對吧？ 但你是老板，這里存在權(quán)力動態(tài)， 這是其他夫妻所沒有的。 如果你真的相信這是個真誠的、發(fā)自內(nèi)心的、 有意義的人際關(guān)系， 你們其中有個人需要換地方， 而且也不應(yīng)該總是公司里 地位較低的人說了算。

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Question four: I've just started seeing a coworker. How do we handle things? I get this question a lot. "Are they dating? Are they not dating?" Don't keep it a secret. You don't have to make a big deal of it, but secrecy tends to be corrosive. People tend to see workplace couples as a coalition or a unit, so try to make it clear to your coworkers that you're not the same person; you love each other, but you are going to disagree.

問題4： 我剛剛開始和一個同事約會。 我們應(yīng)該如何處理這些事情？ 我常常被問這個問題。 “他們在約會嗎？他們沒有約會？” 不要保密。 你不必大驚小怪，但保密往往是有害的。 人們往往把職場夫妻視為 一個聯(lián)盟或一個團體， 所以試著讓你的同事明白 你不是那樣的人； 你們彼此相愛，但你們會有分歧。

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Question five: Why are coworkers often attracted to each other? Well, the obvious answer is people tend to be attracted to each other the more time they spend together. But there's another ingredient that has to be added: attraction tends to happen when there's work that demands close collaboration. So imagine you have a big group project with a tight deadline and you're working late nights and brainstorming ideas. You look up, and across the table, one of your colleagues throws out a really great idea. You may feel something, and that's natural. We call this task interdependence. It's a ripe ground for attraction. The second reason why people at work are attracted to each other is they may often be similar to each other. There's two old adages: "Birds of a feather flock together." And "Opposites attract." Well, the psychological research suggests ... birds of a feather flock together, and we like people who are like us.

問題5： 為什么同事之間經(jīng)常相互吸引？ 一個明顯的答案是 通常人們接觸的時間越久 越容易相互吸引。 但還有另一種成分需要加入： 當工作需要密切合作時， 吸引力就會產(chǎn)生。 所以去想象你有一個大 團隊項目，時間很緊， 你工作到深夜還在頭腦風(fēng)暴。 你抬起頭，隔著桌子， 其中一個同事拋出了個很棒的點子。 你可能會有所感覺，這很正常。 我們稱之為相互依存。 這是吸引力的成熟土壤。 人們在工作中相互吸引的第二個原因是 他們往往彼此相似。 有兩個古老的諺語： “物以類聚，人以群分” 和“異性相吸?！?心理學(xué)研究表明… 物以類聚， 我們喜歡和我們一樣的人。

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Question six: My coworkers are flirting. I'm annoyed. What do I do? Some researchers argue that for people flirting at work, flirting is good and it boosts creativity. But my own research suggests things are different for people who are watching or who are subjected to the flirting. It can be awkward, right? Witnessing flirtation in the workplace creates a sense of not knowing the rules, not knowing what's going on, or maybe seeing something that you shouldn't be seeing. People who frequently witness flirting at work -- they actually report feeling less satisfied in their jobs, and they feel less valued by their company. They're more likely to give a negative appraisal of the work environment, and they may even consider leaving. For women, this association can be even stronger. This appears to be the case even when people report not being bothered by the flirting. It's true even when they say they enjoy it. So, a flirtatious environment really could be toxic.

問題6： 我的同事在調(diào)情。 我很煩，我應(yīng)該怎么做？ 一些研究人員認為，對 在工作中調(diào)情的人來說， 調(diào)情是件好事，它能提高創(chuàng)造力。 但我自己的研究表明， 對正在觀看或被調(diào)情的人 來說，情況有所不同。 可能會很尷尬，對吧？ 目睹職場上的調(diào)情 會讓人產(chǎn)生不懂規(guī)矩， 不知道發(fā)生什么的感覺， 或者看到一些你不該看到的東西。 更常在工作中看到職場調(diào)情的人—— 他們其實報告對工作的滿意度更低， 他們覺得公司對他們的重視程度更低。 他們更可能對工作環(huán)境作出負面評價， 并且他們甚至可能考慮離職。 對于女性而言，這種聯(lián)系會更加強烈。 即使人們說 他們不介意調(diào)情，情況似乎也是如此。 這是真的，即使他們說他們喜歡它。 所以，輕浮的環(huán)境真的有害。

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Question seven: Do I need a policy on workplace relationships? You certainly need a policy on a sexual harassment, and I think most HR departments recognize that. But for the kind of consensual behavior we've been talking about, it's a little different. As much as people in HR would love to wave a magic wand and say, "Thou shall not fall in love at work," it's just not realistic. Emotional connection and sexuality is who we are. I kind of want you to flip the script a little bit. I encourage HR to really think more broadly about their role in not necessarily stamping out office romance, because I don't think that's realistic, but how do I help create a workplace climate and culture where people feel respected for their individual contributions, not for their appearance or their gender, or their personal relationships? So the larger question is, how do you make sure people are valued and respected?

問題7： 我們需要職場關(guān)系方面的政策嗎？ 你當然需要關(guān)于性騷擾的政策， 我認為很多HR部門都認識到這一點。 但是對于我們一直在討論的 兩廂情愿的行為， 這有點不同。 HR部門的人都想揮舞一根魔杖說 “不能有辦公室戀情” 這不夠現(xiàn)實。 情感聯(lián)系和性造就了我們。 我想讓你們把這個腳本稍微翻一下。 我鼓勵HR從更廣泛的角度考慮 他們在辦公室戀情中所扮演的角色， 因為我認為這是不現(xiàn)實的， 但我如何幫助營造 一種工作氛圍和文化， 讓人們因個人貢獻而感到受尊重， 而非外表和性別， 或者他們的私人關(guān)系呢？ 所以更大的問題其實是， 你如何確保人們被重視和尊重？