伍迪單口相聲精選 第3期:第二次婚姻Second Marriage

Which I think brings me to mymain...conclusion here, that is that I gotmarried, that's the biggest thing that'shappened to me over the last...I got marriedfor the second time, incidentally.

我想現(xiàn)在到了來告一重要段落的時候了，那就是我結(jié)婚了，這是那么多年以來發(fā)生在我身上的最重大的事。順便說一下，這是我的二婚。

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife, when I brought her home tomeet my parents, they approved of her, you know, but my dog died, that's what happened.

我早該知道我的第一任妻子有什么地方不對勁了，當初我?guī)ノ壹乙娢腋改笗r，他們居然都很認可她，你知道，可是我的狗卻死掉了，這就是當時發(fā)生的事情。

I got to be careful what I say about her publicly now, 'cause she's suing me. I don't know if youread that in the paper or not, but I'm getting sued because I made a nasty remark about her.

現(xiàn)在我在公開場合說到她時必須小心翼翼，因為她正在告我。我不知道你們有沒有在報紙上讀到過這事，但我被她告上了法庭，原因是我說過她一些很惡毒的話。

She didn't like it, she lives on the upper west side of Manhattan, and she was coming home lateat night, and she was violated.

她不喜歡這樣。她住在曼哈頓的上西區(qū)，有天深夜在她回家時，她受到了侵害。

That's how the put it in the New York papers: "She was violated", and they asked me tocomment on it, and I said "Knowing my ex-wife, it probably was not a moving violation."

這是紐約的報紙上用的措辭：“她受到了侵害。”有人問我對此有什么看法，我說：“以我對我前妻的了解，這也許構(gòu)不成‘運動侵害’。”

Let me tell you how I met my second wife, which is really romantic.

我來告訴你我是如何結(jié)識我的第二個妻子的吧，那真的很浪漫。

I read an article in Life magazine saying there was a sexual revolution going on on collegecampuses all over the country, and I reregistrated at New York University to check it out,'cause I used to go there years ago, I was a history of hygiene major at NYU, and I was thrownout of college, and when I was thrown out I got a job.

我在《生活》雜志上讀到篇文章，說是全國的大學校園到處都進行著一場性革命。于是我又重新注冊進了紐約大學，想去探個究竟。因為幾年前我在那兒待過，我在紐約大學主修過“衛(wèi)生學史”，但后來被踢出了大學。在我被開除后我找到了一份工作。

My father had a grocery store in Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn, and he hired me to work for him.

我父親在布魯克林的弗拉特布什大街開了家雜品店，他雇我給他干活。

I was a delivery boy for my father, that was my first job, and I unionized the workers and westruck and drove him out of business.

我成了我父親的送貨員，那是我的第一份工作。我聯(lián)合其他員工展開罷工，很快把他搞破產(chǎn)了。

He's always been touchy about it.

為此他一直對我很惱火。

Now, when I went back to school, suddenly everybody wanted to fix me up with women.

現(xiàn)在，當我重返校園后，忽然人人都想撮合我和女人之間的事。

And I have had a very bad history with blind dates.

對于經(jīng)人介紹的約會，我有過非常糟糕的經(jīng)歷。

You must not misunderstand me, believe it, sex is a beautiful thing between two people.Between five it's fantastic.

不過你們別誤解我。說真的，兩人之間的性愛是件美好的事，五人之間的話就更妙了。

I was very depressed about that for a long time.

我為此郁悶了很長時間。

I was gonna kill myself, but as I said, I was in a strict freudian analysis, and if you killyourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. So I accept this date.

我打算去自殺，可是我說過，我一直在接受嚴格的弗洛伊德分析，如果你自殺，他們要你把錯過的那些療程的錢先付了。因此我接受了約會安排。

First blind date in years, I go to a fourth floor walk-up, and then knock on the door, and this girlcomes to the door, and she is absolutely beautiful, but really terrific, great long blond hair,and a short skirt and boots and a sleeveless jersey, and she is packed into it.

這是我多年以來第一次與不相識的人約會，我來到一所無電梯公寓的四樓，敲響了房門，有個姑娘應(yīng)聲來開門，她長得絕對漂亮，真的很迷人，靚麗的金色長發(fā)，身穿短裙和長靴，配無袖緊身針織衫，那使她曲線畢露。

When I see her look that beautiful, I wanna...cry, write a poem, jump on her.

我看到她如此美麗，我都想流淚了，寫首詩歌，將她撲倒。

I'm very sensitive, you know. She asked me what I wanted to do, and I'm not a swinger.

你知道，我很容易動情。她問我打算干嘛，我可不是花花公子。

My idea of a big evening is go down to the corner roticimat and watch the chickens revolve,you see.

對我來說走到街角的電熱烤箱前，盯著里面打轉(zhuǎn)的烤雞看一晚上，就相當不一般了。

I take her to a party on McDougle Street in Greenwich Village.

我?guī)齾⒓游钑?，去了格林尼治村的麥克杜格爾街?/p>

We go into a smoked filled room, and I do not use - you should know this about me, too - anysort of consciousness expanding material. My body will not tolerate that.

我們走進煙霧彌漫的房間，可是我不能使用任何的意識擴展物質(zhì)(大麻)，你們也應(yīng)該了解我這一點。我的身體受不了那個。

You know I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had toget me, you know.

你知道有次在聯(lián)誼舞會上，我吸了一口不該吸的煙，結(jié)果招來了一幫警察。

I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

我試圖在自由女神的身上留下愛之吻痕，磕斷了我的兩顆牙齒。

The party begins to move downstairs now, unto the street, and everybody is playing bongoesand guitars, and a cop on horseback comes up to me, and he puts his arm around me.

舞會開始移步到了樓下，來到大街上，大家打起非洲小鼓、彈著吉他。有個騎警走上前來，他用胳膊摟著我。

He says to me "Are you one of those draftcard burners?"

他問我說：“你是不是焚燒過兵役應(yīng)征卡?”

And I say, "No, I'm not. I never registered, I don't have a draftcard."

我說：“不，我沒有。我從沒被應(yīng)征過，所以也沒有兵役應(yīng)征卡。”

Meanwhile a little girl feeds, what look like a cube of sugar, to the policeman's horse.

同時有個小女孩給警察的馬喂了一塊看上去像是方糖的東西。

The horse showed up at a sit-in in Georgia.

結(jié)果馬就出現(xiàn)在了喬治亞州的一個靜坐示威的現(xiàn)場。

Now I decide to strike. I get my date, and I jam her into my Hertz. I have a rented car, whichis a flat rate 12 cents a mile, in an effort to cut down on the mileage charge, I back up everyplace.

現(xiàn)在該采取行動了，我抓住我的女友，把她塞進了我的“赫茲”車里【2】，那是我租來的車子，按每英里12美分統(tǒng)一計費。為了降低里程數(shù)，我總是倒著開車。

So I'm backing over the George Washington Bridge.

因此我倒著駛過喬治·華盛頓大橋。

That was two o'clock in the morning, and I get my date back to her apartment, and the two ofus are alone, and we're going pretty good.

已經(jīng)是凌晨兩點了，我把女友送回到她的寓所，這是兩個人的世界，我們相處得很好。

I have to explain this very delicately, 'cause it's really tentative.

我必須十分慎重地說明一下，因為一切都很微妙。

As I...as I am an inordinately...passionate...man. Volatile. Sensual. In general a stud.

我是個?我是個極富熱情的男人，容易激動、享受感官，總的來說算個猛男。

When making love...when making love...in an effort...to prolong...the moment of ecstasy...Ithink of baseball players.

每當我做愛……每當我做愛的時候，為了努力延長快感的那一刻，我會想象棒球運動員們。

All right, now you know. The two of us are making love violently, she's digging it, I figure Ibetter start thinking of ballplayers quickly.

好吧，這下你們都知道了。我們兩個開始激烈地做愛，她真的很投入。我想我最好馬上開始想象球員們了。

So I figure it's one out, the ninth, the Giants are up.

于是我設(shè)想已經(jīng)到了第九局【3】，巨人隊進攻，一人出局。

Mays lines a single to right, he takes second on a wild pitch.

梅斯【4】擊出平直球上到右邊一壘，他抓住暴投機會上到二壘。

Now she is digging her nails into my neck. I decided to pinch-hit for McCovey.

現(xiàn)在她把指甲掐進了我的脖子。 我決定替麥考維【5】代打。

Alou pops out. Haller singles, Mays holds third.

阿盧【6】沖了進來。哈勒【7】一壘安打，梅斯占據(jù)三壘。

Now I got a first-and-third situation.

現(xiàn)在我們的一三壘上都有人。

Two out, the Giants are behind one run.

已有兩人出局，巨人隊還落后一分。

I don't know whether to squeeze or steal.

我不知道是該搶分觸擊還是偷壘。

She's been in the shower for ten minutes, already.

她已經(jīng)在那兒沖了十分鐘澡了。

This is too...I can't tell you anymore, this is too personal.

這簡直太……我不能說得更多了，這太私密了。

The Giants won.

巨人隊贏了。

And I married the girl, incidently, and had a very good wedding, except for my father, whosquatted down and did one of those Russian dances, see, and tore a leg muscle and froze inthat position.

順便說一下，我和那姑娘結(jié)婚了，要說婚禮也進行得很好，除了我父親，因為他半蹲下身子，想來上一段俄羅斯民間舞。你瞧，拉傷了腿部肌肉而僵在那個姿勢上了。

Walked down the aisle like that, you know.

他只能像這樣走下過道。

【1】“運動侵害”是交通法規(guī)用詞，指運動的車輛犯法，例如車子超速、闖紅燈等等;與之相對的是“非運動違規(guī)”，比如胡亂停車、車況不好等等。伍迪在這里暗指是她侵害了別人，還是指她有性冷淡?伍迪的確被他的第一任妻子哈琳·羅森告上法庭，因為他在電視節(jié)目里拿著她和她姐妹的照片奚落了一番。

【2】成立于1923年“赫茲汽車租賃公司”，是世界頂級的汽車租賃服務(wù)公司，除了美國本土，目前在全世界150多個國有服務(wù)業(yè)務(wù)。

【3】棒球第九局的下半局是最后的關(guān)頭。

【4】小威廉·霍華德·“威利”·梅斯，巨人隊的中外野手，“威利”是“威廉”的昵稱，但又有“男性生殖器”的意思。

【5】舊金山巨人隊的一壘手。

【6】舊金山巨人隊的外野手和一壘手。

【7】托馬斯·弗蘭克·哈勒舊金山巨人隊捕手。