Quora精選：為什么“依賴性”如此令人生厭？

Answered by Oliver Emberton

Oliver Emberton的回復(fù)：

Let's play a mating game.

我們來(lái)玩?zhèn)€配對(duì)游戲吧。

Put 100 men and 100 women in a sealed room. On each person's forehead, write a random number from 1 to 10, and call that their 'attractiveness'.

把100名男性和100名女性關(guān)進(jìn)一個(gè)房間，在每人的額頭寫上一個(gè)1至10之間的任意數(shù)字，姑且稱之為“魅力指數(shù)”。

You're not able to see the number on your forehead, and no-one will tell you what it is either. The game is to pair up with the highest ranked person of the opposite sex that you can.

你看不到自己額頭上的數(shù)字，也沒(méi)人會(huì)告訴你到底是幾。游戲目的是要你盡量跟排名最高的異性配成對(duì)兒。

Ready? Go.

準(zhǔn)備好了嗎？開(kāi)始吧！

Pretty much immediately, any nines and tens are surrounded by huge crowds vying for their attention.

幾乎是頃刻之間，所有額頭寫著9和10的人都被人群團(tuán)團(tuán)圍住，爭(zhēng)相博取他們的注意力。

If the crowds flock towards you, you know your score must be pretty damn good. If strangers flee as you approach - not so much.

如果人群向你涌來(lái)，你便知道自己的分?jǐn)?shù)肯定不是一般的高；要是你走近時(shí)陌生人都落荒而逃，那分?jǐn)?shù)肯定好不到哪兒去。

People will lower their expectations when rebuffed, and raise them when surrounded. If every single person you meet wants to pair with you, you'll probably never settle for less than a ten.

人們一旦被拒，就會(huì)降低期望值，被人追捧，就會(huì)提高期望值。要是你遇見(jiàn)的每一個(gè)人都想要跟你配對(duì)，那你可能永遠(yuǎn)也不會(huì)找個(gè)低于10的異性。

But for everyone else, you're forced to guess and gamble. And the clue to your attractiveness is how needy other people act around you.

可對(duì)于其他人而言，你就不得不猜一記、賭一把。而暗示你的魅力程度的，就是你周圍其他人對(duì)你的依賴程度。

This game is simpler than real life, but the essence holds: if someone is desperate to be with you, chances are they think you're better than they are. They may be utterly wrong, but that's what they're conveying.

這個(gè)游戲比現(xiàn)實(shí)生活簡(jiǎn)單多了，但實(shí)質(zhì)上還是一個(gè)道理：如果某人極其渴望和你在一起，那么多半是因?yàn)樗麄冋J(rèn)為你比他們強(qiáng)。他們也許錯(cuò)得離譜，可那就是他們所傳達(dá)的信息。

Conversely, if someone is aloof with their affections, they probably think they can do better. They may also be wrong, but in both cases we're wired to interpret this as feedback on our own attractiveness. You're trying to guess the number on your head, and their feedback is all you have.

與此相反，如果某人在感情上顯得比較冷淡，他們可能覺(jué)得自己可以做得更好。也許他們也錯(cuò)了，但在兩種情況下，我們天生會(huì)把這當(dāng)作對(duì)自己魅力程度的反饋。你在嘗試猜測(cè)你額頭上的數(shù)字，而他們的反饋就是你的全部線索。

You can't help being influenced by this, and it's one reason why 'playing it cool' is such an attractive trait, even if it's such an easily contrived one. Being needy essentially says "you're so much better than me, please pick me". Not a great sales pitch.

你沒(méi)法兒不受它的左右，而這也正是“扮酷”如此吸引人的一個(gè)原因，盡管這裝起來(lái)很容易。表現(xiàn)出依賴性實(shí)際上是在說(shuō)，“你比我強(qiáng)那么多，請(qǐng)選我吧”。這實(shí)在算不得多好的推銷口號(hào)。

Neediness is repulsive because we've evolved to recognise it as a bad signal. It's like a fear of spiders or scorpions: a primal instinct which protects our best interests, even if we don't understand why.

依賴性令人生厭，就因?yàn)槲覀円呀?jīng)進(jìn)化到把它認(rèn)作糟糕的信號(hào)。它就像是對(duì)蜘蛛、蝎子的恐懼，是一種保護(hù)我們最佳利益的原始本能，即使我們并不清楚為什么。

If this strikes you as depressing and soulless, take heart.

如果這讓你感到沮喪或是泄氣，請(qǐng)振作起來(lái)。

Real life has a few extra qualities that make it less of a one-dimensional meat market. For one: all numbers can change. But most of all: everyone sees a slightly different number when they look at each other.

現(xiàn)實(shí)生活中有些額外的特性，讓人可以從多個(gè)角度去考慮。就說(shuō)一點(diǎn)吧：所有的數(shù)字都可能變化。但最重要的是，每個(gè)人在互相打量時(shí)，看到的數(shù)字都略有不同。