一個(gè)妄想型精神分裂癥患者的職場(chǎng)生存記

I’ve been fired more times than I care to admit. I have even more resignation letters to my name.

我被解雇的次數(shù)多到我不想承認(rèn)。我辭職的次數(shù)更多。

Work and paranoid schizophrenia aren’t exactly a recipe for success.

工作和妄想型精神分裂的搭配不是成功的秘方。

At one job I had, on the ground floor of a city office, there were bars on the windows. The bars were no doubt put in for security reasons, like all the other shops and offices on the street. But I grew increasingly convinced that they were placed there just for me as part of a grand conspiracy. I have always felt that people are setting me up for heinous crimes or that I’ve committed one that I can’t remember and that the police are spying on me to gather evidence. With the windows I felt they’d been fitted by a stranger who knew of me, sometime before I started work, to send me the message that I would soon “be behind bars.”

我曾做過的一份工作是在一座城市辦公樓的一層，窗戶上裝有鐵欄。裝那些欄桿顯然是為了安全，那條街上的其他店鋪和辦公室都是這樣。但我越來越確信，它們是專門為我安裝的，是一個(gè)巨大陰謀的一部分。我總覺得人們?cè)谙莺ξ遥胱屛曳赶率異翰簧獾淖镄?，或者我犯過大罪，只是自己不記得了，警察正在監(jiān)視我，收集證據(jù)。我覺得窗戶上的那些欄桿是我去那里工作前了解我的一個(gè)陌生人安裝的，是想暗示我，我很快“會(huì)被關(guān)到鐵窗后面”。

Seeing a policeman on the street outside the office or hearing a helicopter fly by would set my heart racing. I was convinced they’d finally come for me. I didn’t last long in that office.

看到辦公室外面的街上有警察，或者聽見直升機(jī)飛過，我就會(huì)心跳加速。我確信，那是他們終于來抓我了。我在那個(gè)辦公室沒干多久。

The sedative effects of my medications also mean I often oversleep and get into the office late. Really late. Sometimes 90 minutes late.

我服用的藥物的鎮(zhèn)定作用也弄得我經(jīng)常睡過頭，上班遲到。遲到很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間。有時(shí)甚至遲到90分鐘。

The head of my department at another job I had didn’t seem to mind, as I always made the time up in the evening. But colleagues did mind, others in the office told me, including the girl who sat next to me. Back then, I wasn’t open about having schizophrenia. I didn’t want to stigmatize myself by giving reasons for my tardiness. So I assume people just thought I was lazy.

我在另一份工作中的部門經(jīng)理似乎并不介意，因?yàn)槲铱偸窃谕砩习褧r(shí)間補(bǔ)回來。但同事們介意——這是我聽辦公室的其他人說的，包括坐在我旁邊的那個(gè)女孩。當(dāng)時(shí)，我沒有公開承認(rèn)自己患有精神分裂癥。我不想背上為自己的拖沓找理由的惡名。所以我覺得人們只會(huì)認(rèn)為我是太懶惰。

Far too often, I would regard an off-the-cuff remark by a work colleague, a roll of the eyes when I offered an idea at a meeting, or a sigh when I arrived late, as aggressive and threatening, an insult directed toward me.

我經(jīng)常把同事們隨口說的一句話、我在會(huì)上發(fā)表意見時(shí)別人的一個(gè)白眼，或者我遲到時(shí)同事的一聲嘆息，視為對(duì)我的攻擊或威脅，認(rèn)為那些都是針對(duì)我的侮辱。

At another office where I was working as a commercial copywriter it still pains me to recall the time someone asked what I was listening to on my headphones. When I replied “Coldplay” and my colleagues all laughed, I wasn’t sure why. Maybe they found me as depressing as the artists I listened to? Once again it felt like I was being bullied. I quit that job shortly afterward.

我在另一個(gè)公司做商業(yè)文案時(shí)發(fā)生的一件事至今回想起來依然讓我心痛。當(dāng)時(shí)有個(gè)同事問我耳機(jī)里在聽誰(shuí)的歌。我回答說酷玩樂隊(duì)(Coldplay)，同事們大笑起來，我不知道他們笑什么。也許是因?yàn)樗麄冇X得我和那些音樂人一樣陰郁?我再次覺得自己被凌辱了。不久后，我辭掉了那份工作。

To this day I am unsure if I was a victim of bullying in the office or just overly sensitive to others.

直到今天，我依然不確定，自己到底是辦公室欺凌的受害者，還是對(duì)他人過于敏感。

And a 9-to-5 office role is relentless. It doesn’t allow me the flexibility to see a therapist on a regular schedule. I also often forgot general medical checkups, and many times forgot to re-order my medication at the pharmacy, which would send me into a panic attack.

朝九晚五的職場(chǎng)生活是沒完沒了的。它缺乏靈活性，我無(wú)法定期去進(jìn)行心理治療。我也常常忘記進(jìn)行普通體檢，多次忘記在藥房重新訂購(gòu)自己的藥物，而這讓我陷入急性焦慮癥。

Luckily, every office has its own underdog or “pecked hen.” They usually gravitated to me as a kindred spirit, taking me aside to calm me down or nip out for a cigarette.

幸運(yùn)的是，每個(gè)辦公室都有弱者或“受到欺壓的人”。他們常常與我惺惺相惜，把我叫到一邊安慰我，或者邀我一起出去抽根煙。

I remember on one occasion catching the girl who sat next to me glancing at my computer screen to see what I was working on. But she held the glance for about 10 seconds, which seemed like a really long time, more like an intrusive stare. I got very upset and sent a strongly worded email to the company manager, with a few line managers cc’d for good measure. The email was so strongly worded that my colleague had tears in her eyes when she was called in about it and was granted permission to leave work for the day. She even brought some chocolate to say sorry to me and mentioned more than once that she was Christian.

我還記得有一次，我看見坐在我旁邊的女孩盯著我的電腦屏幕看我在干什么。她大概看了十秒鐘，但真的感覺看了很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間，更像是那種侵犯性的注視。我非常生氣，給公司經(jīng)理發(fā)了一封措辭犀利的電子郵件。那封郵件寫得太刻薄了，我的同事被叫去詢問時(shí)，眼里噙著淚水，被準(zhǔn)許當(dāng)天可以早退。她后來甚至送了我一些巧克力致歉，還不止一次對(duì)我說她是基督徒。

Once I left that job she unfriended me on Facebook, on my birthday. Even though by that point she knew I had mental health problems.

我一辭掉那份工作，她馬上在Facebook上取消了對(duì)我的關(guān)注，那天是我的生日。盡管她當(dāng)時(shí)已經(jīng)知道我有精神問題。

When I got my dream job as a fashion writer in London, at a very decent salary, the “flights of ideas” that are part of my illness, compounded by the restlessness brought on by my medications, sabotaged my success. I’d been there for two weeks when I asked if it was possible I could take a six-month leave to work as a trainee reporter at a local newspaper in Hawaii. That wasn’t allowed, but two weeks later I took three days of holiday and a weekend away to travel to Paris to write a deodorant review for a small, independent magazine. I took another week off soon after to host writing workshops for people with disabilities.

后來我在倫敦獲得了自己夢(mèng)想的工作——做時(shí)尚撰稿人，這份工作薪水頗豐，但我的疾病產(chǎn)生的“突發(fā)奇想”以及藥物導(dǎo)致的焦躁不安毀掉了我的成功。我剛到那里工作兩個(gè)星期，就要求請(qǐng)假六個(gè)月，去夏威夷的一個(gè)地方報(bào)紙做實(shí)習(xí)記者。我沒有獲得批準(zhǔn)，但兩周后，我請(qǐng)了三天假，再加上一個(gè)周末，我去巴黎為一個(gè)小型獨(dú)立雜志寫了一篇關(guān)于除臭劑的測(cè)評(píng)。不久后，我又請(qǐng)了一周假，為殘疾人舉辦了幾期寫作講習(xí)班。

My boss was very understanding, and I did last in that job for 18 months but ended up resigning to be closer to my mother, who was having health problems. My office goodbye card was memorable: Even though I hadn’t told many people about my condition, all the notes went along the lines of “I’ll miss the madness.”

我的上司非常善解人意，我也在那里干了整整18個(gè)月，但我最終辭職了，我想住得離母親近一點(diǎn)，當(dāng)時(shí)她的健康出了問題。我的辦公室告別卡令人難忘。盡管我沒跟很多人說起我的精神問題，但所有的留言都表達(dá)了這層意思：“我會(huì)想念你的瘋狂。”

An important lesson I have learned by overcoming adversity in the workplace and learning to live with mental illness is that we can build castles with the stones that life throws at us. I now work from home as a freelance writer, at hours to suit, which allows me the flexibility to get the regular therapy sessions and medical checkups that I need.

我在克服工作逆境、學(xué)著接受自己的精神疾病的過程中獲得了一個(gè)重要經(jīng)驗(yàn)，那就是，我們可以用生活砸向我們的石頭建造城堡。我現(xiàn)在在家工作，做自由撰稿人，工作時(shí)間靈活，我可以定期進(jìn)行必要的心理治療和體檢。

I mostly write about mental illness. I am also writing my first book, “A Beginner’s Guide to Sanity,” with a highly regarded professor of psychiatry.

我主要是寫精神疾病方面的文章。我還在和一名很有聲望的精神病學(xué)教授合著我的第一本書——《精神正常入門指南》(A Beginner’s Guide to Sanity)。

I made just $6,260 last year as a freelance writer. But I’ve seen very real and positive results.

去年，我做自由撰稿人只賺了6260美元。但我看到了非常切實(shí)而正面的結(jié)果。

My psychiatric diagnosis has changed from paranoid schizophrenia to schizoaffective disorder. People with schizoaffective disorder are considered more social than those with a schizophrenia diagnosis but have occasional “mood swings.”

我的精神診斷已經(jīng)從妄想型精神分裂癥改為分裂情感性障礙。與前者相比，后者被認(rèn)為更善于社交，但偶爾會(huì)有“情緒波動(dòng)”。

My new work life, along with therapy, has also taught me that qualities such as confidence as well as work-based skills can be learned and built on.

我的新工作方式，再加上心理治療，還讓我明白，信心和工作技能等品質(zhì)可以慢慢學(xué)習(xí)和培養(yǎng)。

Perhaps most important, I’ve come to accept that I am a work in progress.

也許最重要的是，我已經(jīng)開始接受自己是一個(gè)正在塑造中的作品。