高中英語(yǔ)作文|十八歲宣言

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I Recently Turned Eighteen

I recently turned eighteen, which is young for a tree, ancient（此處用old感覺(jué)跟前面的young對(duì)稱） for a monkey. But (However), I am not happy at all in that felling tired and lonely.[1]
I still remember the happy time playing with my fiends when I was a child[2]. I was then, lived in a country side, having no computer or mp3.[3] Fishing and playing in the field was（were應(yīng)該用復(fù)數(shù)，因?yàn)榍懊娌⒘械氖莾蓚€(gè)動(dòng)名詞）the only thing I can have fun with my friends. What a beautiful memory!
However, time changes now. Nowadays, people connect with each other by phone or through the internet, which makes people talk (the opportunity of talking) to each other face to face less and less.[4] As a result, we always find that we are lonely, feeling we lack some thing（要用something）. Today, our life level improved (the quality of our material life improves a lot), while our spiritual life is getting poorer and poorer.
To be an adult is a wonderful thing, But I will meet lots of new problems as well, like, (how) to deal with the new relationships between people. What should I do with this (those) tough things? Can I do it well?

修改意見(jiàn)：
[1] I am not happy at all in that felling tired and lonely. 修改意見(jiàn)：in that 引導(dǎo)原因狀語(yǔ)從句后面不能直接加短語(yǔ)，比如，I like singing on the stage in that it brings me satisfaction. 這句話可以改成 I, feeling tired and lonely, seldom have happy time.[2] I still remember the happy time playing with my fiends when I was a child.這句話后面的playing with my friends有中式英語(yǔ)嫌疑，建議直接寫成 I still remember the happy time with my friends.
[3] I was then, lived in a country side, having no computer or mp3.仔細(xì)觀察這句話你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)有兩個(gè)謂語(yǔ) was 和lived，估計(jì)你很想用I was then這種用法而忽視了整個(gè)句子的組織。建議修改成 I was then living in the countryside without computer and mp3.
[4] which makes people talk to each other face to face less and less. 這個(gè)句子也是句式有點(diǎn)混亂，如果后面的less and less 不好放，建議這樣寫 which makes people have less and less opportunity to communicate with each other face to face.