《渺小一生》:“我保證我不會(huì)離開你的。”

　 The surgery will be on a Monday, and although he stays at the office late on Friday, he doesn’t go in on Saturday. That afternoon, he packs a bag for the hospital; that evening, he and Willem have dinner at the tiny sushi place where they first celebrated the Last Supper. His final sessions with Patrizia and Yasmin had been on Thursday; Andy calls early on Saturday to tell him that he has the X-rays back, and that although the infection hasn’t budged, it also hasn’t spread. “Obviously, it won’t be a problem after Monday,” he says, and he swallows, hard, just as he had when Andy had said earlier that week, “You won’t have this foot pain after next Monday.” He remembers then that it is not the problem that is being eradicated; it is the source of the problem that is being eradicated. One is not the same as the other, but he supposes he has to be grateful, finally, for eradication, however it is delivered.

手術(shù)預(yù)定在星期一。他星期五在辦公室待到很晚，但星期六就沒去了。那天下午，他收拾了一個(gè)袋子準(zhǔn)備帶到醫(yī)院；當(dāng)晚，他和威廉在他們首次慶?！白詈蟮耐聿汀钡哪羌倚鬯镜瓿酝聿?。他最后一次接受帕特里齊亞和雅思敏注射是星期四；安迪星期六稍早打電話跟他說他的X光片送過來了，說盡管感染沒有減輕，但也沒有擴(kuò)散?！昂茱@然，過了星期一之后，這就不再是問題了。”安迪說，就像安迪那周稍早跟他說：“你下星期一之后就不會(huì)再腳痛了。”而他艱難地吞咽著，然后想起，他們要根除的不是問題，而是問題的源頭。兩者并不一樣，但他猜想自己必須心存感激，因?yàn)榻K于能杜絕這個(gè)問題了，無論是怎么辦到的。

　 He eats his final meal on Sunday at seven p.m.; the surgery is at eight the next morning, and so he is to have no more food, no more medication, nothing to drink, for the rest of the night.

他在星期天晚上7點(diǎn)吃了最后一餐；手術(shù)是次日早上8點(diǎn)，所以接下來這一夜不能再吃東西，不能吃藥，也不能喝水了。

　 An hour later, he and Willem descend in the elevator to the ground floor, for his last walk on his own legs. He has made Willem promise him this walk, and even before they begin—they will go south on Greene one block to Grand, then west just another block to Wooster, then up Wooster four blocks to Houston, then back east to Greene and south to their apartment—he isn’t sure he’ll be able to finish. Above them, the sky is the color of bruises, and he remembers, suddenly, being forced out onto the street, naked, by Caleb.

一個(gè)小時(shí)后，他和威廉搭電梯到一樓，用自己的腳最后一次走路。他逼威廉陪他去散步，即使開始前，他也不確定自己走得完——他們預(yù)定沿著格林街往南走一個(gè)街區(qū)到格蘭特街，往西只走一個(gè)街區(qū)到伍斯特街，然后往北走四個(gè)街區(qū)到休斯敦街，往東回到格林街，再往南回到他們的公寓。在他們上方，天空是一片瘀血的顏色，忽然間，他想起自己光著身子被凱萊布趕到街上的那一夜。

　 He lifts up his left leg and begins. Down the quiet street they walk, and at Grand, as they are turning right, he takes Willem’s hand, which he never does in public, but now he holds it close, and they turn right again and begin moving up Wooster.

他抬起左腿開始走。沿著安靜的街道往前，來到格蘭特街，右轉(zhuǎn)時(shí)，他握住威廉的手，這是他在公共場(chǎng)合從來沒做過的事，但現(xiàn)在他緊緊握著，兩人再度右轉(zhuǎn)，沿著伍斯特街往北。

　 He had wanted so badly to complete this circuit, but perversely, his inability to do so—at Spring, still two blocks south of Houston, Willem glances at him and, without even asking, starts walking him back east to Greene Street—reassures him: he is making the right decision. He has pressed up against the inevitable, and he has made the only choice he could make, not just for Willem’s sake, but for his own. The walk has been almost unbearable, and when he gets back to the apartment, he is surprised to feel that his face is wet with tears.

他好想完成這一圈散步，但偏偏做不到——到了清泉街，離休斯敦街還有兩個(gè)街區(qū)，威廉看了他一眼，連問都不必問，就帶著他往東走回格林街，他因此更放心，自己做了正確的決定。他面臨無法避免的狀況，做了他唯一能做的選擇，不光是為了威廉，也是為了他自己。這段散步幾乎難以承受，等他回到公寓，他很驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)自己滿臉是淚。

　 The next morning, Harold and Julia meet them at the hospital, looking gray and frightened. He can tell they are trying to remain stoic for him; he hugs and kisses them both, assures them he’ll be fine, that there’s nothing to worry about. He is taken away to be prepped. Since the injury, the hair on his legs has always grown unevenly, around and between the scars, but now he is shaved clean above and below his kneecaps. Andy comes in, holds his face in his hands, and kisses him on his forehead. He doesn’t say anything, just takes out a marker and draws a series of dashes, like Morse code signals, in inverted arcs a few inches below the bottoms of both knees, then tells him he’ll be back, but that he’ll send Willem in.

次日早晨，哈羅德和朱麗婭在醫(yī)院跟他會(huì)合，一臉慘白、恐懼。他看得出他們?yōu)榱怂?，都刻意不流露情緒；他輪流擁抱并親吻他們兩個(gè)，跟他們保證自己會(huì)沒事的，保證沒什么好擔(dān)心的。他被帶進(jìn)去準(zhǔn)備。自從車禍?zhǔn)軅?，他左腿疤痕周圍的腿毛總是參差不齊，但現(xiàn)在他膝蓋上下都刮干凈了。安迪進(jìn)來，雙手捧著他的臉，吻了他的額頭。安迪什么都沒說，只是掏出一支馬克筆，畫了一連串虛線，像摩斯密碼的記號(hào)，在膝蓋底下方的幾英寸處形成一個(gè)反轉(zhuǎn)的弧，然后安迪說要先離開一下，不過會(huì)讓威廉進(jìn)來。

　 Willem comes over and sits on the edge of his bed, and they hold each other’s hands in silence. He is about to say something, make some stupid joke, when Willem begins to cry, and not just cry, but keen, bending over and moaning, sobbing like he has never seen anyone sob. “Willem,” he says, desperately, “Willem, don’t cry: I’m going to be fine. I really am. Don’t cry. Willem, don’t cry.” He sits up in the bed, wraps his arms around Willem. “Oh, Willem,” he sighs, near tears himself. “Willem, I’m going to be okay. I promise you.” But he can’t soothe him, and Willem cries and cries.

威廉進(jìn)來，坐在他的床沿，他們默默握著彼此的手。他正要說話，開些愚蠢的玩笑，威廉就哭了起來，不光是哭而已，還哭得非常激烈，哭得彎了腰，嗚咽、啜泣得很厲害，他從沒看過有人哭得這么慘?！巴?，”他拼命說，“威廉，別哭，我不會(huì)有事的。真的。別哭。威廉，別哭了?！彼诖采献鹕?，雙臂抱著威廉。“啊，威廉，”他嘆氣，自己也快哭出來了，“威廉，我不會(huì)有事的，我跟你保證?！钡参坎涣怂?，威廉一直哭個(gè)不停。

　 He senses that Willem is trying to say something, and he rubs his back, asking him to repeat himself. “Don’t go,” he hears Willem say. “Don’t leave me.”

他感覺到威廉試著說什么，于是撫摸著威廉的背，要他再說一次。“別走，”他聽到威廉說，“別離開我?！?

　 “I promise I won’t,” he says. “I promise. Willem—it’s an easy surgery. You know I have to come out on the other side so Andy can lecture me some more, right?”

“我保證我不會(huì)離開你的?！彼f，“我保證，威廉——這個(gè)手術(shù)很簡(jiǎn)單。你知道我的手術(shù)一定會(huì)成功的，好讓安迪繼續(xù)跟我說教，對(duì)吧？”

　 It is then that Andy walks in. “Ready, campers?” he asks, and then he sees and hears Willem. “Oh god,” he says, and he comes over, joins their huddle. “Willem,” he says, “I promise I’ll take care of him like he’s my own, you know that, right? You know I won’t let anything happen to him?”

此時(shí)安迪走進(jìn)來?！皽?zhǔn)備好了嗎，兩位？”安迪問，接著看到并聽到威廉在哭。“啊老天，”安迪說，走過來加入他們的擁抱?！巴卑驳险f，“我保證會(huì)把他當(dāng)成自己的親人，好好照顧他，這你知道吧？你知道我不會(huì)讓他出任何事的吧？”

　 “I know,” they hear Willem gulp, at last. “I know, I know.”

“我知道?！彼麄兟牭酵艘淮罂跉猓拔抑?，我知道?！?

　 Finally, they are able to calm Willem down, who apologizes and wipes at his eyes. “I’m sorry,” Willem says, but he shakes his head, and pulls on Willem’s hand until he brings his face to his own, kisses him goodbye. “Don’t be,” he tells him.

最后，他們終于讓威廉平靜下來，看著他邊道歉邊擦干眼睛。“對(duì)不起?！蓖f。但他搖搖頭，把威廉拉近跟他吻別。“不必對(duì)不起?！彼嬖V他。

　 Outside the operating room, Andy brings his head down to his, and kisses him again, this time on his cheek. “I’m not going to be able to touch you after this,” he says. “I’ll be sterile.” The two of them grin, suddenly, and Andy shakes his head. “Aren’t you getting a little old for this kind of puerile humor?” he asks.

到了手術(shù)室外，安迪低頭湊向他又親了一次，這回是臉頰?！爸笪揖筒荒茉倥瞿懔??！彼f，“我要去消毒了。[3]”兩個(gè)人忽然咧嘴而笑，安迪搖著頭?！澳汩_這種幼稚的玩笑，不覺得有點(diǎn)太老了嗎？”他問。

　 “Aren’t you?” he asks. “You’re almost sixty.”

“那你呢？”他問，“你都快60歲了?！?

　 “Never.”

“早得很呢?！?

　 Then they are in the operating room, and he is gazing at the bright white disk of light above him. “Hello, Jude,” says a voice behind him, and he sees it’s the anesthesiologist, a friend of Andy’s named Ignatius Mba, whom he’s met before at one of Andy and Jane’s dinner parties.

他們進(jìn)入了手術(shù)室，他凝視上方那個(gè)亮白的圓燈?！肮D，裘德?！彼蠓揭粋€(gè)聲音說，他看到那是麻醉師，也是安迪的好友之一，名叫伊格納提烏斯·姆巴，他在安迪家的晚餐派對(duì)上見過。

　 “Hi, Ignatius,” he says.

“嗨，伊格納提烏斯。”他說。

　 “Count backward from ten for me,” says Ignatius, and he begins to, but after seven, he is unable to count any further; the last thing he feels is a tingling in his right toes.

“從十開始倒數(shù)給我聽。”伊格納提烏斯說。他開始倒數(shù)，但數(shù)完七之后，他再也數(shù)不下去；他感覺到的最后一件事，就是右腳趾的刺麻。

　 Three months later. It is Thanksgiving again, and they are having it at Greene Street. Willem and Richard have cooked everything, arranged everything, while he slept. His recovery has been harder and more complicated than anticipated, and he has contracted infections, twice. For a while he was on a feeding tube. But Andy was right: he has kept both knees. In the hospital, he would wake, telling Harold and Julia, telling Willem, that it felt like there was an elephant sitting on his feet, rocking back and forth on its rump until his bones turned into cracker dust, into something finer than ash. But they never told him that he was imagining this; they only told him that the nurse had just added a painkiller to his IV drip for this very purpose, and that he would be feeling better soon. Now he has these phantom pains less and less frequently, but they haven’t disappeared entirely. And he is still very tired, he is still very weak, and so Richard has placed a mauve velvet wingback chair on casters—one that India sometimes uses for sittings—for him at the head of the table, so he can lean his head against its wings when he feels depleted.

三個(gè)月后，又是感恩節(jié)了，他們?cè)诟窳纸诌^節(jié)。威廉和理查德負(fù)責(zé)做所有的菜，安排所有的事情，而他一直在睡覺。他的復(fù)原比原先預(yù)期的更困難也更復(fù)雜，他又感染了，前后兩次。有一陣子還插了喂食管。不過安迪說得沒錯(cuò)：他兩邊的膝蓋都保住了。在醫(yī)院里醒來，他會(huì)告訴哈羅德和朱麗婭，告訴威廉，感覺就像有一頭大象坐在他兩腳上，屁股前后搖晃，直到把骨頭壓成齏粉，壓得比灰燼還細(xì)。但他們從沒告訴他這是他想象的，只說護(hù)士剛在點(diǎn)滴里加了一種止痛藥，他很快就會(huì)好過一些?，F(xiàn)在，他出現(xiàn)這類幻痛的頻率越來越低，不過還沒完全消失。他還是很累、很虛弱，于是理查德拿了一張有腳輪的粉紫色天鵝絨翼背椅（印蒂亞有時(shí)會(huì)拿這張椅子給模特兒擺姿勢(shì)），讓他坐在桌首，這樣他覺得累的時(shí)候，就可以把頭靠在兩翼上。

　 That dinner is Richard and India, Harold and Julia, Malcolm and Sophie, JB and his mother, and Andy and Jane, whose children are visiting Andy’s brother in San Francisco. He starts to give a toast, thanking everyone for everything they have given him and done for him, but before he gets to the person he wants to thank most—Willem, sitting to his right—he finds he cannot continue, and he looks up from his paper at his friends and sees that they are all going to cry, and so he stops.

那頓晚餐有理查德和印蒂亞、哈羅德和朱麗婭、馬爾科姆和蘇菲、杰比和他母親、安迪和簡(jiǎn)（他們的孩子去舊金山拜訪安迪的弟弟了）。他開始說祝酒詞，輪流感謝每個(gè)人為他付出的一切，但正要講到他最想感謝的人，坐在他右手邊的威廉時(shí)，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己講不下去了。他從手上拿的小抄抬起頭來，看到大家都快哭出來了，于是他打住。