《渺小一生》:他知道威廉正試圖控制自己

　 “I promise,” Willem says, his voice low.

“我保證。”威廉說，聲音很低。

　 He takes a deep breath. “Do you remember the car accident I was in?”

他深吸了一口氣：“你還記得我那次出車禍？”

　 “Yes,” says Willem. He sounds uncertain, strangled. His breathing is quick. “I do.”

“記得，”威廉說，聲音聽起來(lái)不太確定，好像被勒住脖子，變得急促，“我記得?！?

　 “It wasn’t a car accident,” he says, and as if on cue, his hands begin to shake, and he plunges them beneath the covers.

“那其實(shí)不是車禍?！彼f。就在這時(shí)，他的雙手開始發(fā)抖，他趕緊把手藏在被子底下。

　 “What do you mean?” Willem asks, but he remains silent, and eventually he feels, rather than sees, Willem realize what he’s saying. And then Willem is flopping onto his side, facing him, and reaching beneath the covers for his hands. “Jude,” Willem says, “did someone do that to you? Did someone”—he can’t say the words—“did someone beat you?”

“什么意思？”威廉問，但他一直沒說話，最后他感覺威廉明白了。然后威廉忽然撲到他旁邊，面對(duì)他，伸手到被子底下找他的手?！棒玫拢蓖f，“有人對(duì)你這樣嗎？有人……”他說不出那些字眼，“有人打你嗎？”

　 He nods, barely, thankful that he’s not crying, although he feels like he’s going to explode: he imagines bits of flesh bursting like shrapnel from his skeleton, smacking themselves against the wall, dangling from the chandelier, bloodying the sheets.

他點(diǎn)頭，輕輕地，很慶幸自己沒哭，雖然他覺得自己快要爆炸了：他想象自己的肉像炸彈碎片似的爆開來(lái)，脫離骨骼，砸到墻上，從吊燈垂下，染得床單血肉模糊。

　 “Oh god,” Willem says, and drops his hands, and he watches as Willem hurries out of bed.

“啊老天?！蓖f，手垂了下來(lái)。他看到威廉匆匆下床。

　 “Willem,” he calls after him, and then gets up and follows him into the bathroom, where Willem is bent over the sink, breathing hard, but when he tries to touch his shoulder, Willem shrugs his hand off.

“威廉?！彼诤箢^喊著，然后起身跟到浴室。威廉彎身對(duì)著水槽，呼吸沉重，當(dāng)他想碰他肩膀時(shí)，威廉甩開他的手。

　 He goes back to their room and waits on the edge of the bed, and when Willem comes out, he can tell he’s been crying.

他回到臥室，坐在床沿等待。等到威廉進(jìn)來(lái)時(shí)，他看得出他剛剛哭了。

　 For several long minutes they sit next to each other, their arms touching, but not saying anything. “Was there an obituary?” Willem asks, finally, and he nods. “Show me,” Willem says, and they go to the computer in his study and he stands back and watches Willem read it. He watches as Willem reads it twice, three times. And then Willem stands and holds him, very tightly, and he holds Willem back.

那漫長(zhǎng)的幾分鐘，他們并肩坐著，雙臂靠在一起，什么都沒說?！坝杏嚶剢幔俊蓖詈蠼K于問了，他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭?！敖o我看?！蓖f。于是他們到他書房里開了電腦查找，他后退讓威廉看。他看著威廉讀了兩次、三次。之后威廉站直身子擁住他，抱得好緊，他也伸手回抱。

　 “Why didn’t you tell me?” Willem says into his ear.

“你為什么都不告訴我？”威廉湊在他耳邊問。

　 “It wouldn’t have made a difference,” he says, and Willem steps back and looks at him, holding him by the shoulders.

“講不講都沒區(qū)別。”他說。威廉退后看著他，兩手握住他的肩膀。

　 He can see Willem trying to control himself, and he watches as he holds his long mouth firm, his jaw muscles moving against themselves. “I want you to tell me everything,” Willem says. He takes his hand and walks him to the sofa in his study and sits him down. “I’m going to make myself a drink in the kitchen, and then I’m coming back,” Willem says. He looks at him. “I’ll make you one, too.” He can do nothing but nod.

他知道威廉正試圖控制自己，他看著他長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的嘴巴緊閉著，下巴的肌肉微微抽動(dòng)。“我希望你告訴我一切。”威廉說，牽起他的手，帶著他走向書房的沙發(fā)，讓他坐下來(lái)?！拔胰N房調(diào)杯酒就回來(lái)，”威廉說，他看著他，“我也會(huì)幫你調(diào)一杯?！彼裁炊甲霾涣?，只能點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。

　 As he waits, he thinks of Caleb. He never heard from Caleb after that night, but every few months, he would look him up. There he was, for anyone to see: pictures of Caleb smiling at parties, at openings, at shows. An article about Rothko’s first freestanding boutique, with Caleb talking about the challenges a young label encounters when trying to break out in a crowded market. A magazine piece about the reemergence of the Flower District, with a quote from Caleb about living in a neighborhood that, despite its hotels and boutiques, still felt appealingly rough-edged. Now, he thinks: Did Caleb ever look him up as well? Did he show a picture of him to Nicholas? Did he say, “I once went out with him; he was grotesque”? Did he demonstrate to Nicholas—whom he imagines as blond and neat and confident—how he had walked, did they laugh with each other about how terrible, how lifeless, he had been in bed? Did he say, “He disgusted me”? Or did he say nothing at all? Did Caleb forget him, or at least choose never to consider him—was he a mistake, a brief sordid moment, an aberration to be wrapped in plastic and shoved to the far corner of Caleb’s mind, with broken toys from childhood and long-ago embarrassments? He wishes he too could forget, that he too could choose never to consider Caleb again. Always, he wonders why and how he has let four months—months increasingly distant from him—so affect him, so alter his life. But then, he might as well ask—as he often does—why he has let the first fifteen years of his life so dictate the past twenty-eight. He has been lucky beyond measure; he has an adulthood that people dream about: Why, then, does he insist on revisiting and replaying events that happened so long ago? Why can he not simply take pleasure in his present? Why must he so honor his past? Why does it become more vivid, not less, the further he moves from it?

他等待時(shí)，想到了凱萊布。那一夜之后，他再也沒有凱萊布的消息，但每隔兩三個(gè)月，他就會(huì)查一下。一查就有了，每個(gè)人都看得到：凱萊布在派對(duì)上、在開幕儀式上、在展覽上微笑的照片。一篇有關(guān)羅斯科第一家獨(dú)立精品店的報(bào)道，里頭凱萊布談到現(xiàn)在時(shí)裝市場(chǎng)競(jìng)爭(zhēng)激烈，指出一個(gè)年輕品牌要脫穎而出所面臨的種種挑戰(zhàn)。一篇雜志文章提到花卉區(qū)再度興起，引用了凱萊布一段話，談到住在這樣的地帶，盡管有很多飯店和精品店，依然能感覺到那種粗獷的吸引力。而這會(huì)兒他心想：凱萊布也查過他的近況嗎？他會(huì)把他的照片給尼古拉斯看嗎？他會(huì)說“我跟他交往過，他很怪誕”嗎？他會(huì)向尼古拉斯（他想象他是個(gè)整潔的金發(fā)男子，充滿自信）示范他走路的樣子，兩人一起大笑他在床上有多可怕、多死氣沉沉嗎？凱萊布會(huì)忘了他嗎？至少選擇永遠(yuǎn)不要想到他嗎？因?yàn)樗莻€(gè)錯(cuò)誤、一個(gè)短暫的污穢時(shí)刻、一個(gè)反?，F(xiàn)象，應(yīng)該被包在塑料袋里，塞在凱萊布心中遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)的角落，跟童年壞掉的玩具和許久以前令人難堪的事物放在一起。他一直搞不懂，他為什么、又怎么會(huì)讓那逐漸遠(yuǎn)去的四個(gè)月，影響自己這么大，改變自己的人生這么多。但接著，他可能也該自問（他的確常常問），為什么他要讓自己人生的頭十五年支配接下來(lái)的二十八年。他已經(jīng)極其幸運(yùn)了；他擁有人們夢(mèng)寐以求的成年時(shí)光。那么，為什么他要堅(jiān)持一再回顧、一再重溫那么久以前發(fā)生的事情呢？為什么他就不能單純地享受當(dāng)下呢？為什么他要這么執(zhí)著于自己的過往呢？為什么離童年越遠(yuǎn)，當(dāng)年的一切就越鮮明，而不是越模糊呢？

　 Willem returns with two glasses of ice and whiskey. He has put on a shirt. For a while, they sit on the sofa, sipping at their drinks, and he feels his veins fill with warmth. “I’m going to tell you,” he says to Willem, and Willem nods, but before he does, he leans over and kisses Willem. It is the first time in his life that he has ever initiated a kiss, and he hopes that with it he is conveying to Willem everything he cannot say, not even in the dark, not even in the early-morning gray: everything he is ashamed of, everything he is grateful for. This time, he keeps his eyes closed, imagining that soon, he too will be able to go wherever people go when they kiss, when they have sex: that land he has never visited, that place he wants to see, that world he hopes is not forbidden to him forever.

威廉拿著兩杯加了冰的威士忌回來(lái)，身上加了一件襯衫。他們坐在沙發(fā)上好一會(huì)兒，各自啜著酒，他覺得血管里充滿暖意?！拔乙嬖V你了?！彼麑?duì)威廉說，威廉點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，但開始說之前，他先靠過去吻了威廉。這是他這輩子第一次主動(dòng)吻別人，他希望借著這個(gè)吻，將他說不出來(lái)的一切傳達(dá)給威廉，就連在黑暗中、在清晨的灰光中都說不出來(lái)的一切：他羞愧的一切，他感激的一切。這回，他閉上眼睛，想象著很快地，他也可以去到一般人接吻時(shí)、做愛時(shí)去的那個(gè)地方：他從來(lái)沒有造訪過的那片土地，他很想看看那個(gè)地方，他期盼、并且沒有永遠(yuǎn)禁止他進(jìn)入的那個(gè)世界。

　 When Kit was in town, they met either for lunch or dinner or at the agency’s New York offices, but when he came to the city in early December, Willem suggested they meet instead at Greene Street. “I’ll make you lunch,” he told Kit.

每回基特來(lái)紐約，他們都會(huì)碰面吃午餐或晚餐，或者在經(jīng)紀(jì)公司的紐約辦公室碰面，但十二月初基特來(lái)紐約時(shí)，威廉請(qǐng)他來(lái)格林街的公寓?！拔易鑫绮驼?qǐng)你吃?！彼嬖V基特。

　 “Why?” asked Kit, instantly wary: although the two of them were close in their own way, they weren’t friends, and Willem had never invited him over to Greene Street before.

“為什么？”基特問，立刻警覺起來(lái)。盡管兩人合作密切，但并不是好友，威廉也從沒請(qǐng)他來(lái)格林街。

　 “I need to talk to you about something,” he said, and he could hear Kit making his breaths long and slow.

“我有件事要跟你談?！彼f，聽得出基特的呼吸刻意放得緩慢而悠長(zhǎng)。

　 “Okay,” said Kit. He knew better than to ask what that something might be, and whether something was wrong; he just assumed it. “I need to talk to you about something” was not, in Kit’s universe, a prelude to good news.

“好吧?！被卣f。他知道最好不要問是什么事，或是不是出了什么錯(cuò)；只需假設(shè)不是好事。在基特的世界里，“我有件事要跟你談”不會(huì)是好消息的前奏。

　 He knew this, of course, and although he could have reassured Kit, the slightly diabolical part of him decided not to. “Okay!” he said, brightly. “See you next week!” On the other hand, he thought after he hung up, maybe his refusal to reassure Kit wasn’t just childishness: he thought what he had to tell Kit—that he and Jude were now together—wasn’t bad news, but he wasn’t sure Kit would see it the same way.

這點(diǎn)他當(dāng)然知道。即使他可以跟基特保證，他心中那個(gè)有點(diǎn)殘忍的部分卻決定不要?！昂冒桑彼_心地說，“下星期見了！”另一方面，掛了電話后，他卻想著自己不肯跟基特保證，不光是幼稚而已。他認(rèn)為自己必須告訴基特的事情（現(xiàn)在他和裘德在一起了）并不是壞消息，但他不確定基特也這么想。