《渺小一生》:這是忙碌的一天，他很慶幸

　 “Yes,” he says. “Thanks.”

“好的，”他說，“謝謝你?！?

　 It’s a busy day, for which he’s grateful, and he tries to give himself no time to think about anything but work. Late in the morning, he gets a text from Andy—Assume you’ve seen that the asshole is dead. Pancreatic cancer = major suffering. You okay?—and writes back to assure him he’s fine, and over lunch he reads the obituary one last time before stuffing the entire paper into the shredder and turning back to his computer.

這是忙碌的一天，他很慶幸，也設(shè)法專心工作，不讓自己有時間想別的。上午過了一半，他接到安迪傳來的短信——猜想你已經(jīng)看到那個混蛋死了。胰腺癌＝非常痛苦。你還好吧？他回信息跟安迪保證他還好，午餐時他又最后一次看了那篇訃聞，然后把整份報紙塞進碎紙機，回頭忙電腦上的工作。

　 In the afternoon he gets a text from Willem saying that the director he’s meeting with about his next project has pushed back their dinner, so he doesn’t think he’ll be home before eleven, and he is relieved. At nine, he tells his associates he’s leaving early, and then drives home and goes directly to the bathroom, shucking his jacket and rolling up his sleeves and unstrapping his watch as he goes; he’s almost hyperventilating with desire by the time he makes the first cut. It has been nearly two months since he’s made more than two cuts in a single sitting, but now he abandons his self-discipline and cuts and cuts and cuts, until finally his breathing slows and he feels the old, comforting emptiness settle inside him. After he’s done, he cleans up and washes his face and goes to the kitchen, where he reheats some soup he’d made the weekend before and has his first real meal of the day, and then brushes his teeth and collapses into bed. He is weak from the cutting, but he knows if he rests for a few minutes, he’ll be fine. The goal is to be normal by the time Willem comes home, to not give him anything to worry about, to not do anything else to upset this impossible and delirious dream he’s been living in for the past eighteen weeks.

到了下午，他接到威廉的短信，說要跟他碰面談下一部新片的導(dǎo)演把約定的晚餐時間延后了，他覺得晚上11點之前回不了家。他看了短信后松了口氣。到了9點，他跟同事說他今天要提早走，然后開車回家，直接走向浴室，一路把西裝外套脫掉、卷起袖子、解開手表；等到他割下第一刀時，幾乎因為渴望而換氣過度。過去兩個月來，他從來沒有一次割超過兩刀，但現(xiàn)在他丟開之前的自律，割了一刀又一刀，直到最后呼吸減緩，感覺到昔日那種舒適的空蕩逐漸在心中安頓下來。他割完之后，清理好又洗了臉，然后去廚房，把周末做的濃湯加熱，這才吃了一整天的第一餐，刷完牙后就倒在床上。他因為割傷變得虛弱，但他知道只要休息個幾分鐘就沒事了。他的目標是在威廉回家前恢復(fù)正常，不要讓他有任何理由擔(dān)心，不要做任何蠢事，搞砸過去十八個星期這場不可能又極度愉快的美夢。

　 When Willem had told him of his feelings, he had been so discomfited, so disbelieving, that it was only the fact that it was Willem saying it that convinced him it wasn’t some terrible joke: his faith in Willem was more powerful than the absurdity of what Willem was suggesting.

當初威廉把自己的感覺告訴他時，他實在太困惑、太不敢相信了，只因為是威廉說的，他才相信這不是個可怕的玩笑：他對威廉的信任太強烈了，勝過威廉那些話的荒謬性。

　 But only barely. “What are you saying?” he asked Willem for the tenth time.

但只是勉強勝過一點?！澳阍谡f什么？”他問了威廉第十次。

　 “I’m saying I’m attracted to you,” Willem said, patiently. And then, when he didn’t say anything, “Judy—I don’t think it’s all that odd, really. Haven’t you ever felt that way about me, in all these years?”

“我說，我被你吸引。”威廉耐心地說，看他沒吭聲，便繼續(xù)說：“小裘……我不認為有那么奇怪，真的。這么多年來，你難道都沒對我有那種感覺嗎？”

　 “No,” he said instantly, and Willem had laughed. But he hadn’t been joking. He would never, ever have been so presumptuous as to even picture himself with Willem. Besides, he wasn’t what he had ever imagined for Willem: he had imagined someone beautiful (and female) and intelligent for Willem, someone who would know how fortunate she was, someone who would make him feel fortunate as well. He knew this was—like so many of his imaginings about adult relationships—somewhat gauzy and na?ve, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. He was certainly not the kind of person Willem should be with; for Willem to be with him over the theoretical fantasy woman he’d conjured for him was an unbelievable tumble.

“沒有?！彼⒖陶f，威廉大笑。但他沒開玩笑。他絕對、絕對不會過度自信到妄想能跟威廉在一起。此外，他也不是威廉的理想對象。他想象威廉的對象是個美麗又聰慧的女子，某個懂得自己有多幸運、也讓威廉覺得幸運的人。他知道這樣想（就像他有關(guān)成人伴侶之間的許多想象），有點模糊又天真，但他不認為不可能。他當然不是應(yīng)該跟威廉在一起的那種人；要威廉跟他在一起，而不是跟他替威廉空想的那個女子，實在是難以置信的大暴跌。

　 The next day, he presented Willem with a list of twenty reasons why he shouldn’t want to be with him. As he handed it to him, he could see that Willem was amused, slightly, but then he started to read it and his expression changed, and he retreated to his study so he wouldn’t have to watch him.

次日，他把一份清單交給威廉，列出威廉不該跟他在一起的二十個理由。他遞過去時，看得出威廉覺得有點好笑，但威廉一開始閱讀，表情就變了。他則退回自己的書房，這樣就不必看著威廉。

　 After a while, Willem knocked. “Can I come in?” he asked, and he told him he could.

過了一會兒，威廉來敲門?！拔铱梢赃M來嗎？”威廉問。他說可以。

　 “I’m looking at point number two,” said Willem, seriously. “I hate to tell you this, Jude, but we have the same body.” He looked at him. “You’re an inch taller, but can I remind you that we can wear each other’s clothes?”

“我正在看第二點。”威廉嚴肅地說，“裘德，我很不想告訴你這個，但我們有同樣的身材，”他看著他，“你比我高一英寸，但是我可以提醒你一下嗎？我們可以穿彼此的衣服啊。”

　 He sighed. “Willem,” he said, “you know what I mean.”

他嘆氣。“威廉，”他說，“你明知道我的意思。”

　 “Jude,” Willem said, “I understand that this is strange for you, and unexpected. If you really don’t want this, I’ll back off and leave you alone and I promise things won’t change between us.” He stopped. “But if you’re trying to convince me not to be with you because you’re scared and self-conscious—well, I understand that. But I don’t think it’s a good enough reason not to try. We’ll go as slowly as you want, I promise.”

“裘德，”威廉說，“我知道這對你來說很奇怪，而且意想不到。如果你真的不想跟我在一起，我就放棄，不打擾你，而且保證我們之間的一切都不會改變?！彼Ｏ?。“不過如果你想說服我不要跟你在一起，是因為你害怕或難為情——唔，這個我理解。但是我不認為這個理由夠好，讓你連試都不肯試。我們可以慢慢來，按照你想要的速度，我保證?！?

　 He was quiet. “Can I think about it?” he asked, and Willem nodded. “Of course,” he said, and left him alone, sliding the door shut behind him.

他沉默了一會兒?！拔铱梢钥紤]一下嗎？”他問。威廉點點頭。“當然可以?！彼f，然后走出房間，把拉門關(guān)上。

　 He sat in his office in silence for a long time, thinking. After Caleb, he had sworn he would never again do this to himself. He knew Willem would never do anything bad to him, and yet his imagination was limited: he was incapable of conceiving of a relationship that wouldn’t end with his being hit, with his being kicked down the stairs, with his being made to do things he had told himself he would never have to do again. Wasn’t it possible, he asked himself, that he could push even someone as good as Willem to that inevitability? Wasn’t it foregone that he would inspire a kind of hatred from even Willem? Was he so greedy for companionship that he would ignore the lessons that history—his own history—had taught him?

他靜靜地在書房里坐了許久，思索著。在凱萊布之后，他就發(fā)誓再也不要對自己這樣了。他知道威廉絕對不會對他做出任何不好的事情，但他的想象力受到了限制。他現(xiàn)在無法設(shè)想一段伴侶關(guān)系的收場不是挨打、被踢下樓梯、被迫去做他告訴過自己永遠不必再做的事情。他自問，他真的不會把威廉這么善良的人逼到那無可避免的結(jié)局嗎？就連威廉都會被他激起恨意，這不是事先可以預(yù)料到的嗎？他果真這么想要有個伴，而忽略了歷史（他個人的歷史）給他的教訓(xùn)嗎？

　 But then there was another voice inside him, arguing back. You’re crazy if you turn this opportunity down, said the voice. This is the one person you have always trusted. Willem isn’t Caleb; he would never do that, not ever.

但接著，他心中還有另一個聲音回嘴爭辯。你瘋了才會拒絕這個機會。那個聲音說，這是你始終信任的那個人。威廉不是凱萊布；他永遠不會那樣做的，永遠不會。

　 And so, finally, he had gone to the kitchen, where Willem was making dinner. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s do it.”

于是終于，他走到廚房，威廉正在弄晚餐?！昂冒?，”他說，“我們來試試看吧?！?

　 Willem had looked at him and smiled. “Come here,” he said, and he did, and Willem kissed him. He had been scared, and panicky, and once again he had thought of Brother Luke, and he had opened his eyes to remind himself that this was Willem after all, not someone to fear. But just as he was relaxing into it, he had seen Caleb’s face flashing through his mind like a pulse, and he pulled away from Willem, choking, rubbing his hand across his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he said, pivoting away from him. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this, Willem.”

威廉看著他微笑?！斑^來?！蓖f，于是他過去了，威廉吻了他。他一直很害怕、很驚恐，而且再度想到盧克修士。于是他張開眼睛，提醒自己這是威廉，不是他害怕的人。正當他逐漸放松，卻又看到凱萊布的臉如脈搏般在他心里一閃一閃，他往后掙脫威廉，咳嗽著，一手抹著嘴巴。“對不起，”他說，轉(zhuǎn)身背對威廉，“對不起。我對這個不太行，威廉。”

　 “What do you mean?” Willem had asked, turning him back around. “You’re great at it,” and he had felt himself sag with relief that Willem wasn’t angry at him.

“什么意思？”威廉問，又把他轉(zhuǎn)過來，“你很棒啊?！彼杏X自己整個人放松地癱軟下來，慶幸威廉沒生他的氣。

　 Since then, he has been constantly pitting what he knows of Willem against what he expects of someone—anyone—who has any physical desire for him. It is as if he somehow expects that the Willem he has known will be replaced by another; as if there will be a different Willem for what is a different relationship. In the first few weeks, he was terrified that he might upset or disappoint Willem in some way, that he might drive him toward anger. He had waited for days, summoning his courage, to tell Willem that he couldn’t tolerate the taste of coffee in his mouth (although he didn’t explain to him why: Brother Luke, his awful, muscular tongue, the grain of coffee grounds that had permanently furred his gumline. This had been one of the things he had appreciated about Caleb: that he hadn’t drunk coffee). He apologized and apologized until Willem told him to stop. “Jude, it’s fine,” he said. “I should’ve realized: really. I just won’t drink it.”

從此，他時常把他對威廉所知的一切，拿來跟某個——任何一個——對他有絲毫肉體欲望的人相比較，尤其是他對那些人的期待。仿佛他期望自己知道的威廉會被另一個人取代；仿佛他們的友誼關(guān)系轉(zhuǎn)為伴侶關(guān)系，威廉就會換了一個人。在頭兩三個星期，他很怕自己可能會以某種方式害威廉心煩或失望，很擔(dān)心自己可能會逼他生氣。他等了好幾天才鼓起勇氣，告訴威廉他受不了他嘴里的咖啡味（他沒解釋原因：其實是因為盧克修士那可怕、健壯有力的舌頭，還有他永遠黏著咖啡碎渣的牙齦邊緣。這是他欣賞凱萊布的一點：他不喝咖啡）。他再三道歉，直到威廉叫他別再道歉了。“裘德，沒關(guān)系的，”他說，“我早該明白的，真的。我不喝就是了?！?

　 “But you love coffee,” he said.

“可是你愛咖啡啊?！彼f。