《渺小一生》:你們兩個就是很喜歡走路

　 Vanya was an efficient shoot, just thirty-six days, and was over by the last week in March. One day shortly after it had ended, he met an old friend and former girlfriend of his, Cressy, for lunch in TriBeCa, and as he walked back to Greene Street in the light, dry snow, he was reminded of how much he enjoyed the city in the late winter, when the weather was suspended between one season and the next, and when Jude cooked every weekend, and when you could walk the streets for hours and never see anyone but a few lone people taking their dogs out for a stroll.

《凡尼亞舅舅》的拍攝過程很有效率，只花了三十六天，在三月的最后一個星期殺青。剛拍完沒多久，有一天他跟一個老朋友（也是前女友）克雷西在翠貝卡區(qū)碰面吃午餐，吃完后正要走回格林街，外頭下著干燥的小雪，讓他想起自己有多喜歡深冬的紐約。此時的天氣在兩個季節(jié)間懸而未決，裘德每個周末都會做菜，他可以在冷清的街上走好幾個小時，只看到零星幾個出來遛狗的人。

　 He was heading north on Church Street and had just crossed Reade when he glanced into a café on his right and saw Andy sitting at a table in the corner, reading. “Willem!” said Andy, as he approached him. “What’re you doing here?”

他沿著教堂街往北，剛過瑞德街時，無意間看到右邊一家小餐館里頭，安迪坐在角落一張桌子前閱讀，于是他走進去。“威廉！”安迪看到他走過來很驚訝，“你怎么會來這里？”

　 “I just had lunch with a friend and I’m walking home,” he said. “What’re you doing here? You’re so far downtown.”

“我剛剛跟一個朋友吃午餐，正要走路回家，”他說，“你怎么會來這里？你家離這很遠呢?！?

　 “You two and your walks,” Andy said, shaking his head. “George is at a birthday party a few blocks from here, and I’m waiting until I have to go pick him up.”

“你們兩個就是很喜歡走路，”安迪說著搖搖頭，“喬治來附近參加一個生日派對，我剛剛送他過去，晚一點再去接他回家?！?

　 “How old is George now?”

“喬治現(xiàn)在幾歲了？”

　 “Nine.”

“9歲?！?

　 “God, already?”

“老天，都這么大了？”

　 “I know.”

“我知道?！?

　 “Do you want some company?” he asked. “Or do you want to be alone?”

“你想要有人做伴嗎？”他問，“或者你想要一個人安靜一下？”

　 “No,” said Andy. He tucked a napkin into his book to mark his place. “Stay. Please.” And so he sat.

“不了?！卑驳险f，把一張紙巾塞到書里當書簽，“留下來吧，拜托?！庇谑撬铝恕?

　 They talked for a while of, of course, Jude, who was on a business trip in Mumbai, and Uncle Vanya (“I just remember Astrov as being an unbelievable tool,” Andy said), and his next project, which began shooting in Brooklyn at the end of April, and Andy’s wife, Jane, who was expanding her practice, and their children: George, who had just been diagnosed with asthma, and Beatrice, who wanted to go to boarding school the following year.

他們當然聊了裘德（當時他剛好去印度孟買出差），聊了《凡尼亞舅舅》（“我只記得阿斯特洛夫醫(yī)生是個不可思議的家伙?！卑驳险f），聊了他四月底即將在布魯克林開拍的新電影，還有安迪的太太簡執(zhí)業(yè)的診所擴大規(guī)模，也聊到他們的子女：喬治剛被診斷出有氣喘，比阿特麗斯明年想去上寄宿學校。

　 And then, before he could stop himself—not that he felt any particular need to try—he was telling Andy about his feelings for Jude, and how he wasn’t sure what they meant or what to do about them. He talked and talked, and Andy listened, his face expressionless. There was no one else in the café but the two of them, and outside, the snow fell faster and thicker, and he felt, despite his anxiety, deeply calm, and glad he was telling somebody, and that that somebody was a person who knew him and Jude both, and had for many years. “I know this seems strange,” he said. “And I’ve thought about what it could be, Andy, I really have. But part of me wonders if it was always meant to be this way; I mean, I’ve dated and dated for decades now, and maybe the reason it’s never worked out is because it was never meant to, because I was supposed to be with him all along. Or maybe I’m telling myself this. Or maybe it’s simple curiosity. But I don’t think it is; I think I know myself better than that.” He sighed. “What do you think I should do?”

然后，他還來不及阻止自己（其實他也不覺得有必要阻止），就告訴了安迪他對裘德的種種感覺，還有他不確定這些感覺的意思，也不知道該怎么辦。他說了又說，安迪默默聽著，臉上沒有表情。小餐館里面只有他們兩個顧客，窗外的雪下得更大更急。他覺得自己雖然焦慮，內(nèi)心深處卻很平靜，很高興自己可以找個人說出來，而且這個人跟他和裘德都認識很多年了?！拔抑肋@件事好像很奇怪，”他說，“我也想過這可能會是什么。安迪，我真的想過。但有一部分的我也在想，是不是一直以來就該這樣發(fā)展；我的意思是，我一直在跟不同的人交往，到現(xiàn)在也超過二十年了，總是定不下來的原因，是不是我本來就不會定下來，因為我注定要跟他在一起?；蛟S這是我對自己的說法，或許只是出于好奇。但我覺得不是，我覺得我了解的自己不是那樣，”他嘆了口氣，“你覺得我該怎么辦？”

　 Andy was quiet for a while. “First,” he said, “I don’t think it’s strange, Willem. I think it makes sense in a lot of ways. You two have always had something different, something unusual. So—I always wondered, despite your girlfriends.

安迪沉默了一會兒?！笆紫龋彼f，“我不認為這很奇怪，威廉。我覺得從很多方面來說，這樣都很合理。你們兩個之間一直有一種很不一樣、很獨特的感情。所以……我以前總是很好奇，盡管你有那些女朋友。

　 “Selfishly, I think it’d be wonderful: for you, but especially for him. I think if you wanted to be in a relationship with him, it’d be the greatest, most restorative gift he could ever get.

“自私一點講，我覺得這樣很棒：對你是如此，對他尤其是。我想如果你想跟他成為伴侶，對他而言，是最有助于讓他恢復健康的禮物了。

　 “But Willem, if you do this, you should go in prepared to make some sort of commitment to him, and to being with him, because you’re right: you’re not going to be able to just fool around and then get out of it. And I think you should know that it’s going to be very, very hard. You’re going to have to get him to trust you all over again, and to see you in a different way. I don’t think I’m betraying anything when I say that it’s going to be very tough for him to be intimate with you, and you’re going to have to be really patient with him.”

“但是威廉，如果你要投入，你就得準備好對他、對這段關(guān)系有某種承諾，因為你說得沒錯：你不能只是跟他玩一玩，哪天又說不玩了。而且我想你應該要知道，經(jīng)營這段伴侶關(guān)系會非常、非常辛苦。你得從頭開始讓他信任你，用不同的眼光看待你。接下來我要說的，我不認為違反了醫(yī)生與病人之間的保密協(xié)議，我認為跟你有親密關(guān)系對他來說會非常困難，所以你必須對他非常有耐心才行?！?

　 They were both silent. “So if I do it, I should do so thinking it’s going to be forever,” he told Andy, and Andy looked at him for a few seconds and then smiled.

他們兩個都沉默了一會兒?！八匀绻乙鲞@件事，就應該想清楚這會是一輩子的事?！彼嬖V安迪，安迪看著他幾秒鐘，然后露出微笑。

　 “Well,” Andy said, “there are worse life sentences.”

“這個嘛，”安迪說，“有的無期徒刑還更慘呢?！?

　 “True,” he said.

“沒錯。”他說。

　 He went back to Greene Street. April arrived, and Jude returned home. They celebrated Jude’s birthday—“Forty-three,” Harold sighed, “I vaguely remember forty-three”—and he began shooting his next project. An old friend of his, a woman he’d known since graduate school, was starring in the production as well—he was playing a corrupt detective, and she was playing his wife—and they slept together a few times. Everything marched along as it always had. He worked; he came home to Greene Street; he thought about what Andy had said.

他回到格林街。四月到來，裘德結(jié)束出差回家。他們慶祝裘德的生日——“43歲，”哈羅德嘆口氣說，“我都不太記得43歲的事情了?！薄笏_始拍下一部電影。主演的女星是個老友，他研究生時期就認識了。他飾演一個腐敗的警探，而她飾演他太太。他們兩個上了幾次床。日子一如往常地過下去，他工作，收工后回到格林街，想著安迪說的那些話。

　 And then one Saturday morning he woke very early, just as the sky was brightening. It was late May, and the weather was unpredictable: some days it felt like March, other days, like July. Ninety feet away from him lay Jude. And suddenly his timidity, his confusion, his dithering seemed silly. He was home, and home was Jude. He loved him; he was meant to be with him; he would never hurt him—he trusted himself with that much. And so what was there to fear?

一個星期六的早晨，天才剛亮，他就醒了。那是五月底，天氣變幻莫測：有時感覺像三月，有時又像七月。裘德就躺在離他九十英尺處。忽然間，他的膽怯、他的困惑、他的猶豫不決似乎都顯得很愚蠢。他在家里，而家就是裘德。他愛他；他注定要跟他在一起；他永遠不會傷害他——這一點他有把握。所以還有什么好怕的？