《渺小一生》:那個(gè)女孩一直在跟你放電。

　 Jude’s sex life, his sexuality, had been a subject of ongoing fascination for everyone who knew him, and certainly for Willem’s girlfriends. Occasionally, it had come up among the three of them—he and Malcolm and JB—when Jude wasn’t around: Was he having sex? Had he ever? With whom? They had all seen people looking at him at parties, or flirting with him, and in every case, Jude had remained oblivious.

裘德的性生活和性傾向?qū)φJ(rèn)識(shí)他的每個(gè)人來(lái)說(shuō)，一直是引人好奇的話題，對(duì)威廉的女友來(lái)說(shuō)更是如此。偶爾，裘德不在場(chǎng)時(shí)，他們?nèi)齻€(gè)（他、馬爾科姆、杰比）也會(huì)聊起來(lái)：他有性生活嗎？他有過(guò)性經(jīng)驗(yàn)嗎？跟誰(shuí)？他們都看過(guò)派對(duì)上有人留意裘德或跟他調(diào)情，而每一回裘德都沒(méi)注意。

　 “That girl was all over you,” he’d say to Jude as they walked home from one party or another.

“那個(gè)女孩一直在跟你放電。”派對(duì)后走路回家時(shí)，他會(huì)跟裘德說(shuō)。

　 “What girl?” Jude would say.

“哪個(gè)女孩？”裘德會(huì)說(shuō)。

　 They talked about it with one another because Jude had made it clear he wouldn’t discuss it with any of them: when the topic was raised, he would give them one of his stares and then change the subject with a declarativeness that was impossible to misinterpret.

他們?nèi)齻€(gè)談過(guò)，因?yàn)轸玫略缇捅砻鞑豢细魏我粋€(gè)人談。每次一談起，他就會(huì)狠狠瞪他們一眼，然后刻意改變?cè)掝}，讓你絕對(duì)不可能誤解他的意思。

　 “Has he ever spent the night away from home?” asked JB (this was when he and Jude were living on Lispenard Street).

“他曾經(jīng)晚上沒(méi)回家過(guò)嗎？”杰比問(wèn)（他和裘德還住在利斯本納街的時(shí)候）。

　 “Guys,” he’d say (the conversation made him uncomfortable), “I don’t think we should be talking about this.”

“兩位，”他會(huì)說(shuō)（這番談話讓他很不自在），“我不認(rèn)為我們應(yīng)該討論這個(gè)。”

　 “Willem!” JB would say. “Don’t be such a pussy! You’re not betraying any confidences. Just tell us: yes or no. Has he ever?”

“威廉！”杰比會(huì)說(shuō)，“別那么膽小了！你沒(méi)有泄漏什么機(jī)密。只要告訴我們：有或沒(méi)有。有過(guò)嗎？”

　 He’d sigh. “No,” he’d say.

他嘆了口氣?！皼](méi)有?！彼f(shuō)。

　 There would be a silence. “Maybe he’s asexual,” Malcolm would say, after a while.

然后三個(gè)人會(huì)沉默一會(huì)兒?！盎蛟S他沒(méi)有性欲。”過(guò)一會(huì)兒馬爾科姆會(huì)說(shuō)。

　 “No, that’s you, Mal.”

“不，沒(méi)性欲的是你，馬爾[1]?！?

　 “Fuck off, JB.”

“去你的，杰比?！?

　 “Do you think he’s a virgin?” JB would ask.

“你覺(jué)得他是處男嗎？”杰比會(huì)問(wèn)。

　 “No,” he’d say. He didn’t know why he knew this, but he was certain he wasn’t.

“不是。”他會(huì)說(shuō)。他不知道自己為什么知道，但他很確定裘德不是處男。

　 “It’s such a waste,” JB would say, and he and Malcolm would look at each other, knowing what was coming next. “His looks’ve been wasted on him. I should’ve gotten his looks. I would’ve had a good time with them, at least.”

“太浪費(fèi)了?！苯鼙葧?huì)說(shuō)，他和馬爾科姆會(huì)互看對(duì)方，知道接下來(lái)杰比會(huì)說(shuō)什么?！澳莻€(gè)長(zhǎng)相在他身上太浪費(fèi)了。他的長(zhǎng)相應(yīng)該給我，至少我會(huì)好好享受?！?

　 After a while, they grew to accept it as part of who Jude was; they added the subject to the list of things they knew not to discuss. Year after year passed and he dated no one, they saw him with no one. “Maybe he’s living some hot double life,” Richard once suggested, and Willem had shrugged. “Maybe,” he said. But really, although he had no proof of this, he knew that Jude wasn’t. It was in this same, proof-less way that he assumed Jude was probably gay (though maybe not), and probably hadn’t ever had a relationship (though he really hoped he was wrong about this). And as much as Jude claimed otherwise, Willem wasn’t ever convinced that he wasn’t lonely, that he didn’t, in some small dark part of himself, want to be with someone. He remembered Lionel and Sinclair’s wedding, where it had been Malcolm with Sophie and he with Robin and JB—though they hadn’t been speaking then—with Oliver, and Jude with no one. And although Jude hadn’t seemed bothered by this, Willem had looked at him across the table and had felt sad for him. He didn’t want Jude to get old alone; he wanted him to be with someone who would take care of him and be attracted to him. JB was right: it was a waste.

過(guò)了一陣子，他們就逐漸接受這是裘德的一部分，把這個(gè)話題加入不能討論的清單里。一年又一年過(guò)去，裘德從沒(méi)跟誰(shuí)約會(huì)過(guò)，也從沒(méi)看到他跟誰(shuí)交往?！盎蛟S他瞞著我們，過(guò)著另一種火辣的生活?！崩聿榈掠谢卣f(shuō)，而威廉只是聳聳肩?！盎蛟S吧?！彼f(shuō)。但其實(shí)，即使沒(méi)有任何證據(jù)，他也知道裘德沒(méi)有。以同樣缺乏證據(jù)的方式，他認(rèn)為裘德大概是同性戀者（或許不是），而且大概沒(méi)有談過(guò)戀愛(ài)（他真的希望這點(diǎn)自己猜錯(cuò)了）。盡管裘德一再宣稱不是那樣，威廉卻從不相信他不孤單、從不相信他心底某個(gè)小小的黑暗角落里不想有個(gè)伴。他還記得在萊昂內(nèi)爾和辛克萊的婚禮上，馬爾科姆帶著蘇菲，他帶著羅賓，杰比（雖然當(dāng)時(shí)他們斷交了）帶著奧利弗，而裘德還是獨(dú)自出席。裘德似乎不受困擾，但威廉看著桌子對(duì)面的他，還是很替他難過(guò)。他不希望裘德孤獨(dú)終老，他希望裘德有個(gè)照顧他、被他吸引的伴。杰比說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)，這樣真的太浪費(fèi)了。

　 And so was this what this was, this attraction? Was it fear and sympathy that had morphed itself into a more palatable shape? Was he convincing himself he was attracted to Jude because he couldn’t stand to see him alone? He didn’t think so. But he didn’t know.

所以他被裘德吸引，就是伴侶之間的吸引嗎？或是擔(dān)心與同情轉(zhuǎn)化為另一種比較可以接受的形式？是他說(shuō)服自己他被裘德吸引，只是因?yàn)樗懿涣丝粗玫鹿聠我粋€(gè)人嗎？他不認(rèn)為是這樣。但他也不知道。

　 The person he would’ve once discussed this with was JB, but he couldn’t speak to JB about this, even though they were friends again, or at least working toward friendship. After they had returned from Morocco, Jude had called JB and the two of them had gone out for dinner, and a month later, Willem and JB had gone out on their own. Oddly, though, he found it much more difficult to forgive JB than Jude had, and their first meeting had been a disaster—JB showily, exaggeratedly blithe; he seething—until they had left the restaurant and started yelling at each other. There they had stood on deserted Pell Street—it had been snowing, lightly, and no one else was out—accusing each other of condescension and cruelty; irrationality and self-absorption; self-righteousness and narcissism; martyrdom and cluelessness.

換作從前，他唯一會(huì)一起討論這件事的人是杰比，但現(xiàn)在他沒(méi)辦法跟杰比談了，即使他們又成為朋友，或至少努力在恢復(fù)友誼。他們從摩洛哥旅行回來(lái)后，裘德曾打電話給杰比，兩人一起出去吃晚餐，一個(gè)月后，威廉和杰比也一對(duì)一吃了晚餐。不過(guò)奇怪的是，他覺(jué)得自己比裘德更難原諒杰比，于是他們的會(huì)面變成一場(chǎng)災(zāi)難：杰比一直炫耀、夸張地?cái)[出歡樂(lè)的姿態(tài)，而他一直在生悶氣，直到兩個(gè)人離開(kāi)餐廳，就開(kāi)始罵對(duì)方。他們站在空蕩的培爾街上（當(dāng)時(shí)下著小雪，沒(méi)有其他人出門(mén)），指控彼此高傲又殘忍，不理性又只顧自己，自以為是又自戀，假圣人又搞不清楚狀況。

　 “You think anyone hates themselves as much as I do?” JB had shouted at him. (His fourth show, the one that documented his time on drugs and with Jackson, had been titled “The Narcissist’s Guide to Self-Hatred,” and JB had referenced it several times during their dinner as proof that he had punished himself mightily and publicly and had now been reformed.)

“你認(rèn)為有誰(shuí)會(huì)像我這么恨自己?jiǎn)?？”杰比吼道（他的第四次個(gè)展，記錄他嗑藥以及跟杰克森在一起的那段日子，標(biāo)題就是“自戀者的自我憎恨指南”，而杰比在他們的晚餐中好幾次提到，證明他已經(jīng)狠狠地公然懲罰過(guò)自己，改過(guò)自新了）。

　 “Yeah, JB, I do,” he’d shouted back at him. “I think Jude hates himself far more than you could ever hate yourself, and I think you knew that and you made him hate himself even more.”

“沒(méi)錯(cuò)，杰比，我認(rèn)為有，”他也吼，“我認(rèn)為裘德恨自己遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超過(guò)你可能恨你自己的程度，而且我認(rèn)為你明知道，還害他更恨自己?！?

　 “You think I don’t know that?” JB had yelled. “You think I don’t fucking hate myself for that?”

“你以為我不知道嗎？”杰比大喊，“你以為我他媽的不因此恨自己?jiǎn)?？?