《渺小一生》:他陶醉在盧克的種種故事中

　 “I look at you sometimes, and I think: you don’t deserve to have these things happen to you. You deserve to be with someone else, someone—” And then Brother Luke stopped again, because he had begun to cry again. “Jude,” he said, surprised.

“有時(shí)我看著你，心想：你不該受到這樣的待遇。你應(yīng)該跟著另一個(gè)人，一個(gè)……”盧克修士停下來(lái)，因?yàn)樗挚蘖?。“裘德。”盧克修士驚訝地說(shuō)。

　 “Don’t,” he sobbed, “please, Brother Luke—don’t let them send me away; I’ll be better, I promise, I promise. Don’t let them send me away.”

“不要，”他啜泣著說(shuō)，“拜托，盧克修士——?jiǎng)e讓他們趕我走，我會(huì)更乖的，我保證，我保證。別讓他們趕我走?！?

　 “Jude,” said the brother, and sat down next to him, pulling him into his body. “No one’s sending you away. I promise; no one’s going to send you away.” Finally he was able to calm himself again, and the two of them sat silent for a long time. “All I meant to say was that you deserve to be with someone who loves you. Like me. If you were with me, I’d never hurt you. We’d have such a wonderful time.”

“裘德，”修士說(shuō)，在他旁邊坐下，把他擁入懷里，“沒(méi)有人要趕你走。我保證，沒(méi)有人會(huì)趕你走的?！弊詈笏K于鎮(zhèn)定下來(lái)，兩個(gè)人坐著好久不說(shuō)話?！拔业囊馑贾皇牵銘?yīng)該跟一個(gè)愛(ài)你的人在一起。比如我。如果你跟著我，我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)傷害你。我們?cè)谝黄饡?huì)過(guò)得非常愉快。”

　 “What would we do?” he asked, finally.

“那我們要做什么呢？”他終于能問(wèn)了。

　 “Well,” said Luke, slowly, “we could go camping. Have you ever been camping?”

“這個(gè)嘛，”盧克緩緩說(shuō)，“我們可以去露營(yíng)。你露過(guò)營(yíng)嗎？”

　 He hadn’t, of course, and Luke told him about it: the tent, the fire, the smell and snap of burning pine, the marshmallows impaled on sticks, the owls’ hoots.

當(dāng)然沒(méi)有。于是盧克告訴他露營(yíng)的事情：帳篷、營(yíng)火、焚燒松木的氣味和噼啪聲，叉在小棍上烤的棉花糖，還有貓頭鷹的叫聲。

　 The next day he returned to the greenhouse, and over the following weeks and months, Luke would tell him about all the things they might do together, on their own: they would go to the beach, and to the city, and to a fair. He would have pizza, and hamburgers, and corn on the cob, and ice cream. He would learn how to play baseball, and how to fish, and they would live in a little cabin, just the two of them, like father and son, and all morning long they would read, and all afternoon they would play. They would have a garden where they would grow all their vegetables, and flowers, too, and yes, maybe they’d have a greenhouse someday as well. They would do everything together, go everywhere together, and they would be like best friends, only better.

次日他又回到溫室，接下來(lái)幾個(gè)星期、幾個(gè)月，盧克告訴他種種他們可以一起做的事，只有他們兩個(gè)：他們會(huì)去海灘，去大城市，去露天游樂(lè)場(chǎng)。他會(huì)吃披薩、漢堡，還有整根的玉米，以及冰淇淋。他會(huì)學(xué)打棒球，學(xué)釣魚，他們會(huì)住在一棟小木屋，只有他們兩個(gè)，就像父子。他們上午閱讀，下午玩耍。他們會(huì)有個(gè)園子，種植各種蔬菜和花卉，沒(méi)錯(cuò)，或許有天他們也會(huì)蓋溫室。他們會(huì)一起做各種事情，去各種地方，像是最要好的摯友，但是更要好。

　 He was intoxicated by Luke’s stories, and when things were awful, he thought of them: the garden where they’d grow pumpkins and squash, the creek that ran behind the house where they’d catch perch, the cabin—a larger version of the ones he built with his logs—where Luke promised him he would have a real bed, and where even on the coldest of nights, they would always be warm, and where they could bake muffins every week.

他陶醉在盧克的種種故事中，每當(dāng)狀況很糟時(shí)，他就想著這些故事：他們會(huì)在園子里種植大小南瓜，在屋后小溪釣黃鱸魚。他們的小木屋就是他用那些原木玩具所蓋的擴(kuò)大版，在里頭，盧克保證他會(huì)有一張真正的床，就算最冷的夜里，屋內(nèi)也永遠(yuǎn)溫暖。另外，他們每星期都可以烤松糕。

　 One afternoon—it was early January, and so cold that they had to wrap all the greenhouse plants in burlap despite the heaters—they had been working in silence. He could always tell when Luke wanted to talk about their house and when he didn’t, and he knew that today was one of his quiet days, when the brother seemed elsewhere. Brother Luke was never unkind when he was in these moods, only quiet, but the kind of quiet he knew to avoid. But he yearned for one of Luke’s stories; he needed it. It had been such an awful day, the kind of day in which he had wanted to die, and he wanted to hear Luke tell him about their cabin, and about all the things they would do there when they were alone. In their cabin, there would be no Brother Matthew or Father Gabriel or Brother Peter. No one would shout at him or hurt him. It would be like living all the time in the greenhouse, an enchantment without end.

一天下午，他們沉默地工作著。那是一月初，溫室里雖有暖氣，但他們還是得用粗麻布把所有溫室植物包起來(lái)。他向來(lái)看得出盧克什么時(shí)候會(huì)談他們的小木屋、什么時(shí)候不談，他知道今天是沉默的日子，修士整個(gè)人似乎都心不在焉。即便是心情低落的時(shí)刻，盧克修士也從不曾對(duì)他嚴(yán)厲，只是沉默，而那種沉默，他知道要避開。但是他好想聽盧克修士的故事，他太需要了。那天他過(guò)得太糟糕了，糟到讓他想死，所以他想聽盧克修士講他們的小木屋，兩人在里頭可以做的事情。他們的小木屋里不會(huì)有馬修修士、蓋柏瑞神父或彼得修士。不會(huì)有人罵他或傷害他。那就像永遠(yuǎn)住在溫室里，永遠(yuǎn)活在魔法里。

　 He was reminding himself not to speak when Brother Luke spoke to him. “Jude,” he said, “I’m very sad today.”

他正提醒自己不要講話時(shí)，盧克修士忽然對(duì)他說(shuō)：“裘德，我今天好難過(guò)。”

　 “Why, Brother Luke?”

“為什么，盧克修士？”

　 “Well,” said Brother Luke, and paused. “You know how much I care for you, right? But lately I’ve been feeling that you don’t care for me.”

“唔，”盧克修士說(shuō)，然后暫停了一下，“你知道我有多關(guān)心你吧？但是最近，我覺(jué)得你根本不關(guān)心我?！?

　 This was terrible to hear, and for a moment he couldn’t speak. “That’s not true!” he told the brother.

這些話把他嚇壞了，一時(shí)語(yǔ)塞?！安皇沁@樣的！”他告訴修士。

　 But Brother Luke shook his head. “I keep talking to you about our house in the forest,” he said, “but I don’t get the feeling that you really want to go there. To you, they’re just stories, like fairy tales.”

但是盧克修士搖著頭?！拔乙恢备阒v我們?cè)谏掷锏姆孔?，”他說(shuō)，“但我不覺(jué)得你真的想去。對(duì)你來(lái)說(shuō)，那些只是故事，就像童話一樣。”

　 He shook his head. “No, Brother Luke. They’re real to me, too.” He wished he could tell Brother Luke just how real they were, just how much he needed them, how much they had helped him. Brother Luke looked so upset, but finally he was able to convince him that he wanted that life, too, that he wanted to live with Brother Luke and no one else, that he would do whatever he needed to in order to have it. And finally, finally, the brother had smiled, and crouched and hugged him, moving his arms up and down his back. “Thank you, Jude, thank you,” he said, and he, so happy to have made Brother Luke so happy, thanked him back.

他搖頭?！安?，盧克修士。那些對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)也是真的?！彼嫦Ｍ约嚎梢愿嬖V盧克修士那些故事有多么真實(shí)，他有多么需要那些故事，而且那些故事幫了他多少。盧克修士看起來(lái)很沮喪，但他終于設(shè)法說(shuō)服修士自己也想要那樣的生活，他也想跟盧克修士住在一起，沒(méi)有別人，他愿意付出一切，去得到那樣的生活。最后，終于，修士露出微笑，蹲下來(lái)?yè)肀舷聯(lián)嶂谋??！爸x謝你，裘德，謝謝你。”修士說(shuō)，他很開心自己能讓盧克修士高興，也向他道謝。

　 And then Brother Luke looked at him, suddenly serious. He had been thinking about it a lot, he said, and he thought it was time for them to build their cabin; it was time that they go away together. But he, Luke, wouldn’t do it alone: Was Jude going to come with him? Did he give him his word? Did he want to be with Brother Luke the way Brother Luke wanted to be with him, just the two of them in their small and perfect world? And of course he did—of course he did.

盧克修士看著他，忽然一臉嚴(yán)肅。他說(shuō)，這件事他想了很久，他覺(jué)得該是他們?nèi)ソㄔ炷菞澬∧疚莸臅r(shí)候了。該是他們一起離開的時(shí)候了。盧克說(shuō)他不會(huì)一個(gè)人去做這事，裘德會(huì)跟他一起走嗎？他保證嗎？他想跟盧克修士在一起，就像盧克修士想跟他在一起，在他們完美的小世界里，只有他們兩個(gè)人嗎？他當(dāng)然想啊——他當(dāng)然會(huì)跟他走。

　 So there was a plan. They would leave in two months, before Easter; he would celebrate his ninth birthday in their cabin. Brother Luke would take care of everything—all he needed to do was be a good boy, and study hard, and not cause any problems. And, most important, say nothing. If they found out what they were doing, Brother Luke said, then he would be sent away, away from the monastery, to make his way on his own, and Brother Luke wouldn’t be able to help him then. He promised.

于是他們有了計(jì)劃。他們會(huì)在兩個(gè)月后的復(fù)活節(jié)之前離開，他會(huì)在他們的小木屋里過(guò)9歲生日。盧克修士會(huì)準(zhǔn)備好一切，他唯一要做的就是當(dāng)個(gè)乖孩子，努力學(xué)習(xí)，不要惹出任何麻煩。最重要的是什么都別說(shuō)。如果讓其他人發(fā)現(xiàn)這個(gè)計(jì)劃，盧克修士說(shuō)，他就會(huì)被趕出修道院，往后只能靠自己，到時(shí)候連盧克修士也幫不了他。他答應(yīng)了。

　 The next two months were terrible and wonderful at the same time. Terrible because they passed so slowly. Wonderful because he had a secret, one that made his life better, because it meant his life in the monastery had an end. Every day he woke up eager, because it meant he was one day closer to being with Brother Luke. Every time one of the brothers was with him, he would remember that soon he would be far away from them, and it would be a little less bad. Every time he was beaten or yelled at, he would imagine himself in the cabin, and it would give him the fortitude—a word Brother Luke had taught him—to withstand it.

接下來(lái)的兩個(gè)月既可怕又美妙。可怕的是日子過(guò)得好慢。美妙的則是他有個(gè)秘密，讓他的生活更美好，這表示他在修道院的生活即將告終。每天他都迫不及待地醒來(lái)，因?yàn)殡x他和盧克修士的新生活又近了一天。每回他跟其他修士在一起，想到很快就可以遠(yuǎn)離他們，就覺(jué)得自己沒(méi)那么慘了。每回被打或被罵，他會(huì)想象自己在小木屋里，便有了忍耐下去的堅(jiān)毅（盧克修士教了他這個(gè)詞）。

　 He had begged Brother Luke to let him help with the preparations, and Brother Luke had told him to gather a sample of every flower and leaf from all the different kinds of plants on the monastery grounds. And so in the afternoons he prowled the property with his Bible, pressing leaves and petals between its pages. He spent less time in the greenhouse, but whenever he saw Luke, the brother would give him one of his somber winks, and he would smile to himself, their secret something warm and delicious.

他請(qǐng)求盧克修士讓他幫忙準(zhǔn)備，盧克修士叫他去收集修道院周圍每種植物的花葉標(biāo)本。每天下午，他拿著《圣經(jīng)》在修道院周圍徘徊，把葉子和花瓣夾在紙頁(yè)間。他很少去溫室了，但每回看到盧克，修士都會(huì)嚴(yán)肅地眨一下眼睛。他暗自微笑，覺(jué)得他們的秘密溫暖而甜美。

　 The night finally arrived, and he was nervous. Brother Matthew was with him in the early evening, right after dinner, but eventually he left, and he was alone. And then there was Brother Luke, holding his finger pressed to his lips, and he nodded. He helped Luke load his books and underwear into the paper bag he held open, and then they were tiptoeing down the hallway, and down the stairs, and then through the darkened building and into the night.

那一夜終于來(lái)到，他很緊張。傍晚才剛吃過(guò)晚餐，馬修修士就跟他在一起，但最后還是離開了，剩他一個(gè)人。接著盧克修士出現(xiàn)了，一根手指按著嘴唇，他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。他幫著修士把自己的書和內(nèi)衣放進(jìn)修士打開的紙袋。然后他們躡手躡腳地經(jīng)過(guò)走廊，下了階梯，走出黑暗的修道院，進(jìn)入黑夜。