《渺小一生》:最后，我也沒辦法再說什么了

　 “Like what?”

“比方說？”

　 “Sometimes it’s because I feel so awful, or ashamed, and I need to make physical what I feel,” he began, and glanced at me before looking down again. “And sometimes it’s because I feel so many things and I need to feel nothing at all—it helps clear them away. And sometimes it’s because I feel happy, and I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t.”

“有時候是因為我感覺很糟糕，或者很羞愧，我必須讓身體實際感覺到?！彼_口，瞥了我一眼又低下頭，“有時候是因為我感受到太多事情，而我不想有任何感覺——這個能幫我把那些感覺清理掉。有時候是因為我覺得快樂，我必須提醒自己不應(yīng)該快樂。”

　 “Why?” I asked him once I could speak again, but he only shook his head and didn’t answer, and I too went silent.

“為什么？”我愣了一下，才勉強開口，但他只是搖搖頭沒回答。我也陷入沉默。

　 He took a breath. “Look,” he said, suddenly, decisively, looking at me directly, “if you want to dissolve the adoption, I’ll understand.”

他吸了口氣，“聽我說，”他說，忽然果斷起來，看著我的雙眼，“如果你想取消收養(yǎng)，我會諒解的?！?

　 I was so stunned that I was angry—that hadn’t even occurred to me. I was about to bark something back when I looked at him, at how he was trying to be brave, and saw that he was terrified: He really did think this was something I might want to do. He really would understand if I said I did. He was expecting it. Later, I realized that in those years just after the adoption, he was always wondering how permanent it was, always wondering what he would eventually do that would make me disown him.

我震驚得簡直要生氣了——我根本沒想到這回事。我正要罵他幾句，卻看到他此時的樣子，明白他設(shè)法要勇敢起來，但其實已經(jīng)嚇得要死了：他真的以為我可能想取消收養(yǎng)。如果我這樣說，他真的會諒解的。他正等著我開口。后來我才明白，剛辦收養(yǎng)手續(xù)的那幾年，他一直在想能持續(xù)多久，總是想著他會不會做出什么事，讓我取消收養(yǎng)。

　 “I would never,” I said, as firmly as I could.

“我絕對不會取消的?！蔽艺f，盡可能說得堅決。

　 That night, I tried to talk to him. He was ashamed of what he did, I could see that, but he genuinely couldn’t understand why I cared so much, why it so upset you and me and Andy. “It’s not fatal,” he kept saying, as if that were the concern, “I know how to control it.” He wouldn’t see a shrink, but he couldn’t tell me why. He hated doing it, I could tell, but he also couldn’t conceive of a life without it. “I need it,” he kept saying. “I need it. It makes things right.” But surely, I told him, there was a time in your life when you didn’t have it?, and he shook his head. “I need it,” he repeated. “It helps me, Harold, you have to believe me on this one.”

那天晚上，我設(shè)法跟他談。我看得出來他對自己的所作所為很羞愧，但他真的不明白為什么我這么在乎，為什么你、我和安迪要這么大驚小怪?！澳怯植粫旅?，”他一直說，好像我們擔心的是這個，“我知道怎么控制。”他不肯去做心理咨詢，但也無法告訴我為什么。我看得出來他討厭割自己，但他也無法想象不割自己的生活?！拔倚枰彼恢闭f，“我需要的。這會讓事情好一點?！钡俏腋嬖V他，你這輩子總有一段時間是沒有這個的吧？他搖搖頭。“我需要。”他重復(fù)說，“這能幫助我，哈羅德。這件事你得信我。”

　 “Why do you need it?” I asked.

“為什么你需要？”我問。

　 He shook his head. “It helps me control my life,” he said, finally.

他搖頭。“它幫助我控制我的生活?！彼K于說。

　 At the end, there was nothing more I could say. “I’m keeping this,” I said, holding the bag up, and he winced, and nodded. “Jude,” I said, and he looked back at me. “If I throw this away, are you going to make another one?”

最后，我也沒辦法再說什么了。“這個我要沒收?！蔽艺f，舉起那個袋子，他皺了一下臉，然后點點頭。“裘德，”我說，他也看著我，“如果我把這個丟掉，你還會再弄一包來嗎？”

　 He was very quiet, then, looking at his plate. “Yes,” he said.

他靜默了一會兒，然后看著他的盤子，說：“會?！?

　 I threw it out anyway, of course, stuffing it deep into a garbage bag that I carried to the Dumpster at the end of the road. We cleaned the kitchen in silence—we were both exhausted, and neither of us had eaten anything—and then he went to bed, and I did as well. In those days I was still trying to be respectful of his personal space, or I’d have grabbed him and held him, but I didn’t.

當然，我還是把那袋子扔了，塞進垃圾袋深處，扔到街尾的垃圾拖車里。我們沉默地收拾廚房——兩個人都累壞了，完全吃不下——之后他去睡覺，我也回房休息。那些年我還一直試著尊重他的個人空間，否則我就會抓住他不放了，但當時我沒有。

　 But as I was lying awake in bed, I thought of him, his long fingers craving the slice of the razor between them, and went downstairs to the kitchen. I got the big mixing bowl from the drawer beneath the oven, and began loading it with everything sharp I could find: knives and scissors and corkscrews and lobster picks. And then I took it with me to the living room, where I sat in my chair, the one facing the sea, clasping the bowl in my arms.

我躺在床上睡不著。我想到他，想到他長長的手指渴望地抓著刮胡刀片，于是我起床，下樓到廚房去。我從烤箱下頭的抽屜里拿出大型攪拌缽，然后把所有我能找到的鋒利對象放進去：刀子、剪刀、葡萄酒開瓶器和龍蝦叉。然后我拿著那些東西到客廳，坐在我那張面海的椅子上，懷里緊緊抱著那個大缽。

　 I woke to a creaking. The kitchen floorboards were noisy, and I sat up in the dark, willing myself to stay silent, and listened to his walk, the distinctive soft stamp of his left foot followed by the swish of his right, and then a drawer opening and, a few seconds later, shutting. Then another drawer, then another, until he had opened and shut every drawer, every cupboard. He hadn’t turned on the light—there was moonlight enough—and I could envision him standing in the newly blunt world of the kitchen, understanding that I’d taken everything from him: I had even taken the forks. I sat, holding my breath, listening to the silence from the kitchen. For a moment it was almost as if we were having a conversation, a conversation without words or sight. And then, finally, I heard him turn and his footsteps retreating, back to his room.

我聽到吱嘎聲，醒過來。廚房的地板發(fā)出聲音，我在黑暗中坐直了，逼自己不要出聲，聽著他走路，左腳輕輕落下，隨之是右腳的拖行聲，非常清楚。一個抽屜打開，幾秒鐘后關(guān)上。然后是另一個抽屜，再是另一個，直到他打開、關(guān)上每個抽屜、每個櫥子。他沒開燈——那天的月光夠亮——我可以想象他站在那個剛被清除掉鋒利對象的廚房里，明白我拿走了一切：連叉子都拿走了。我坐在那里，屏住氣，聽著廚房里的寂靜。一時之間，我們仿佛在對話，一種不用言語或視覺的對話。終于，我聽到他轉(zhuǎn)身，腳步聲逐漸遠去，退回他的房間。

　 When I got home to Cambridge the next night, I went to his bathroom and found another bag, a double of the Truro one, and threw it away. But I never found another of those bags again in either Cambridge or Truro. He must have found some other place to hide them, someplace I never discovered, because he couldn’t have carried those blades back and forth on the plane. But whenever I was at Greene Street, I would find an opportunity to sneak off to his bathroom. Here, he kept the bag in his same old hiding place, and every time, I would steal it, and shove it into my pocket, and then throw it away after I left. He must have known I did this, of course, but we never discussed it. Every time it would be replaced. Until he learned he had to hide it from you as well, there was not a single time I checked that I failed to find it. Still, I never stopped checking: whenever I was at the apartment, or later, the house upstate, or the flat in London, I would go to his bathroom and look for that bag. I never found it again. Malcolm’s bathrooms were so simple, so clean-lined, and yet even in them he had found somewhere to conceal it, somewhere I would never again discover.

次日晚上我回到劍橋市，在他的浴室找到一個跟特魯羅那個一模一樣的袋子，隨即丟掉。但是從此以后，我在劍橋市或特魯羅再也沒有找到過這種袋子了。他一定是藏到了其他地方，讓我找不到，因為他帶著那些刀片是上不了飛機的。我每次去格林街，就會找機會跑去他的浴室。他在里頭的老地方也藏了一個袋子，每回我都會偷走，塞在口袋里，帶出去丟掉。當然，他一定知道是我偷走的，但是我們從來沒談過。每回他都會再弄個新袋子放在老地方，而每回我去，也總能找到袋子。直到后來他知道得防著我為止。然而，我從來沒有停止檢查過：每次去他的公寓，或是后來去他紐約州北部的別墅，或倫敦的那間公寓，我都會去他的浴室找那個袋子。我后來再也沒找到過，馬爾科姆的浴室設(shè)計得很單純、很簡潔，但即使是這樣的設(shè)計，他還是找得到地方藏那些袋子，讓我再也無法找到。

　 Over the years, I tried to talk about it with him. The day after I found the first bag, I called Andy and started yelling at him, and Andy, uncharacteristically, let me. “I know,” he said. “I know.” And then: “Harold, I’m not asking sarcastically or rhetorically. I want you to tell me: What should I do?” And of course, I didn’t know what to tell him.

這些年來，我一直試著跟他談這件事。我發(fā)現(xiàn)第一個袋子的次日，就打電話罵安迪，安迪很破例地讓我罵?！拔抑?，”他說，“我都知道。哈羅德，我想問你，不是挖苦也不是耍嘴皮子。我要你告訴我：我該怎么做？”而當然，我不知道能說什么。

　 You were the one who got furthest with him. But I know you blamed yourself. I blamed myself, too. Because I did something worse than accepting it: I tolerated it. I chose to forget he was doing this, because it was too difficult to find a solution, and because I wanted to enjoy him as the person he wanted us to see, even though I knew better. I told myself that I was letting him keep his dignity, while choosing to forget that for thousands of nights, he sacrificed it. I would rebuke him and try to reason with him, even though I knew those methods didn’t work, and even knowing that, I didn’t try something else: something more radical, something that might alienate me from him. I knew I was being a coward, because I never told Julia about that bag, I never told her what I had learned about him that night in Truro. Eventually she found out, and it was one of the very few times I’d seen her so angry. “How could you let this keep happening?” she asked me. “How could you let this go on for this long?” She never said she held me directly responsible, but I knew she did, and how could she not? I did, too.

你是跟他談得最深的人。但我知道你很自責。我也自責，因為我做了比接受更糟糕的事：我容忍了一切。我選擇忘記他在割自己，因為實在太難找到解決辦法了，也因為我想開心享受他希望我們看到的那一面，即使我知道實情不只是這樣。我告訴自己我應(yīng)該讓他保持自己的尊嚴，同時選擇忘記在幾千個夜里，他犧牲了自己的尊嚴。我應(yīng)該要指責他、試著開導(dǎo)他，就算知道這些方法行不通，而我明知道自己該怎么做，卻沒有試過其他辦法：更激烈、可能害我們疏遠的方法。我知道自己懦弱，因為我從來沒跟朱麗婭提過那個袋子，我從沒把特魯羅那一夜發(fā)現(xiàn)的事情告訴她。最后她發(fā)現(xiàn)了，那是少數(shù)幾次我看到她那么生氣。“你怎么可以讓這種事情一再發(fā)生？”她問我，“你怎么可以讓這種事持續(xù)這么久？”她從沒說過她認為我該負直接的責任，但我知道她是這么想的，怎么可能不是呢？連我也是這么想的。

　 And now here I was in his apartment, where a few hours ago, while I was lying awake, he was being beaten. I sat down on the sofa with my phone in my hand to wait for Andy’s call, telling me that he was ready to be returned to me, that he was ready to be released into my care. I opened the shade across from me and sat back down and stared into the steely sky until each cloud blurred into the next, until finally I could see nothing at all, only a haze of gray as the day slowly slurred into night.

此刻我待在他的公寓里，而幾個小時前，我躺著睡不著時，他正在這里被毒打。我拿著手機坐在沙發(fā)上，等著安迪打電話來，告訴我他已經(jīng)準備好要回到我身邊，就要回來讓我照顧了。我打開對面的遮光簾，往后坐回去，瞪著鋼灰的天空，直到每片云融入另一片中，直到最后我什么都看不見，只看到一片模糊的灰，白晝緩緩融入夜晚。

　 Andy called at six that evening, nine hours after I’d dropped him off, and met me at the door. “He’s asleep in the examining room,” he said. And then: “Broken left wrist, four broken ribs, thank Christ no broken bones in his legs. No concussion, thank god. Fractured coccyx. Dislocated shoulder, which I reset. Bruising all up and down his back and torso; he was kicked, clearly. But no internal bleeding. His face looks worse than it is: his eyes and nose are fine, no breaks, and I iced the bruising, which you have to do, too—regularly.

那天傍晚6點，是我送他過去的九個小時后，安迪打電話來，我馬上趕過去?！八跈z查室里睡著了?！卑驳险f，接著說明，“左手腕骨折，還斷了四根肋骨。謝天謝地兩腿沒有骨折。沒有腦震蕩，感謝老天。尾椎骨裂了。一邊肩膀脫臼，我?guī)退麖?fù)位了。背部和軀干到處都是瘀傷，顯然是被踢的，不過沒有內(nèi)出血。他的臉沒有看起來那么糟：雙眼和鼻子都沒有骨折或外傷。我給他的瘀傷冰敷了，你也必須定時幫忙冰敷。

　 “Lacerations on his legs. This is what I’m worried about. I’ve written you a scrip for antibiotics; I’m going to start him on a low dosage as a preventative measure, but if he mentions feeling hot, or chilled, you have to let me know right away—the last thing he needs is an infection there. His back is stripped—”

“他雙腳有劃傷。這是我擔心的。我開了個低劑量的抗生素處方給你，為了預(yù)防，要讓他先開始吃。但如果他提到覺得發(fā)熱或發(fā)冷，就得馬上通知我。他現(xiàn)在最不需要的，就是雙腿感染。他的背上有脫皮……”