《渺小一生》:他進(jìn)入黑暗的公寓，正在摸索

　 “Come stay in the apartment tonight,” Harold says, turning to him, but he shakes his head, staring straight ahead. “At least come up and have a cup of tea and wait until you feel a little better,” but he shakes his head again. “Jude,” Harold says, “I’m really sorry—for everything, for all of it.” He nods, but still can’t say anything. “Will you call me if you need anything?” Harold persists, and he nods again. And then Harold reaches his hand up, slowly, as if he is a feral animal, and strokes the back of his head, twice, before getting out, closing the door softly behind him.

“今天晚上來(lái)我這里住吧?！惫_德說(shuō)著轉(zhuǎn)向他，但他搖搖頭，只看著前方，“那至少上來(lái)喝杯茶，待到你覺(jué)得好過(guò)些吧?！钡€是搖頭?！棒玫?，”哈羅德說(shuō)，“我真的很遺憾——為了這一切，為了所有的事情?！彼c(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，但還是說(shuō)不出話?！叭绻阈枰裁?，會(huì)打電話給我嗎？”哈羅德堅(jiān)持問(wèn)他，他又點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭。然后，哈羅德緩緩舉起一只手，摸了他腦后兩下，好像他是野生動(dòng)物，這才下了車(chē)，輕輕關(guān)上車(chē)門(mén)。

　 He takes the West Side Highway home. He is so sore, so depleted: but now his humiliations are complete. He has been punished enough, he thinks, even for him. He will go home, and cut himself, and then he will begin forgetting: this night in particular, but also the past four months.

他走西城高速公路回家。他全身酸痛，筋疲力盡；但現(xiàn)在他覺(jué)得自己被羞辱到底了。他被懲罰夠了，他心想，即使對(duì)他而言都?jí)蛄?。他?huì)回家，割割自己，然后他會(huì)開(kāi)始忘卻：尤其是這一夜，但也包括過(guò)去四個(gè)月。

　 At Greene Street he parks in the garage and rides the elevator up past the silent floors, clinging to the cage-door mesh; he is so tired that he will slump to the ground if he doesn’t. Richard is away for the fall at a residency in Rome, and the building is sepulchral around him.

到了格林街，他把車(chē)子停進(jìn)車(chē)庫(kù)，坐著電梯經(jīng)過(guò)靜默的樓層，抓著電梯的網(wǎng)格門(mén)：他累到如果不抓個(gè)什么，就會(huì)垮在地上。理查德這個(gè)秋天去羅馬當(dāng)駐地藝術(shù)家，整棟大樓像一座墳?zāi)顾频陌鼑?

　 He steps into his darkened apartment and is feeling for the light switch when something clots him, hard, on the swollen side of his face, and even in the dark he can see his new tooth project itself into the air.

他進(jìn)入黑暗的公寓，正在摸索電燈開(kāi)關(guān)時(shí)，忽然有個(gè)什么朝他腫起的那邊臉撲來(lái)，即使在黑暗中，他還是看得到自己新裝的那顆牙齒飛了出去。

　 It is Caleb, of course, and he can hear and smell his breath even before Caleb flicks the master switch and the apartment is illuminated, dazzlingly, into something brighter than day, and he looks up and sees Caleb above him, peering down at him. Even drunk, he is composed, and now some of his drunkenness has been clarified by rage, and his gaze is steady and focused. He feels Caleb grab him by his hair, feels him hit him on the right side of his face, the good one, feels his head snapping backward in response.

是凱萊布，當(dāng)然了，他在黑暗中聽(tīng)得到也聞得到他的呼吸。凱萊布打開(kāi)電燈主開(kāi)關(guān)，公寓里大放光明，令人目眩，比白天還要亮。他抬頭，看到凱萊布正低頭盯著他。即使喝醉了，他還是很鎮(zhèn)定，而且現(xiàn)在因?yàn)榕瓪舛逍蚜艘稽c(diǎn)，眼神平穩(wěn)而專(zhuān)注。他感覺(jué)到凱萊布抓著他的頭發(fā)把他提起來(lái)，感覺(jué)到他打向他沒(méi)受傷的右臉，感覺(jué)到自己的頭被打得往后一晃。

　 Caleb still hasn’t said anything, and now he drags him to the sofa, the only sounds Caleb’s steady breaths and his frantic gulps. He pushes his face into the cushions and holds his head down with one hand, while with the other, he begins pulling off his clothes. He begins to panic, then, and struggle, but Caleb presses one arm against the back of his neck, which paralyzes him, and he is unable to move; he can feel himself become exposed to the air piece by piece—his back, his arms, the backs of his legs—and when everything’s been removed, Caleb yanks him to his feet again and pushes him away, but he falls, and lands on his back.

凱萊布始終一語(yǔ)不發(fā)，拖他到沙發(fā)，唯一的聲音就是凱萊布平穩(wěn)的呼吸和他自己瘋狂的吸氣。凱萊布把他的臉壓進(jìn)椅墊里，然后一手按著他的腦袋，另一手開(kāi)始脫下他的衣服。他恐慌起來(lái)，開(kāi)始掙扎，但凱萊布用手臂壓著他的頸背，讓他全身麻痹，無(wú)法動(dòng)彈。他可以感覺(jué)到自己一點(diǎn)接著一點(diǎn)暴露在空氣中——他的背部、他的雙臂、他的后腿——等到所有衣服都被脫掉，凱萊布又拉著他站起來(lái)，把他往前推，但他摔倒了，仰天躺著。

　 “Get up,” says Caleb. “Right now.”

“起來(lái)?！眲P萊布說(shuō)，“快點(diǎn)。”

　 He does; his nose is discharging something, blood or mucus, that is making it difficult for him to breathe. He stands; he has never felt more naked, more exposed in his life. When he was a child, and things were happening to him, he used to be able to leave his body, to go somewhere else. He would pretend he was something inanimate—a curtain rod, a ceiling fan—a dispassionate, unfeeling witness to the scene occurring beneath him. He would watch himself and feel nothing: not pity, not anger, nothing. But now, although he tries, he finds he cannot remove himself. He is in this apartment, his apartment, standing before a man who detests him, and he knows this is the beginning, not the end, of a long night, one he has no choice but to wait through and endure. He will not be able to control this night, he will not be able to stop it.

他照做了，鼻子流出東西來(lái)，鮮血或是鼻涕，讓他更難呼吸。他站著，這輩子從沒(méi)覺(jué)得這么赤裸、這么暴露、毫無(wú)遮蔽。他小時(shí)候，碰到有什么事情發(fā)生在他身上，總是有辦法離開(kāi)自己的身體，跑到別的地方去。他會(huì)假裝自己是個(gè)沒(méi)有生命的物體——一根窗簾桿，一具天花板上的風(fēng)扇——一個(gè)冷靜無(wú)感的見(jiàn)證者，看著底下發(fā)生在他身上的這一幕。他會(huì)看著自己，什么都感覺(jué)不到：沒(méi)有憐憫、沒(méi)有憤怒，什么都沒(méi)有。但現(xiàn)在他試了又試，卻發(fā)現(xiàn)自己無(wú)法抽離。他就在這間公寓里，他的公寓，站在一個(gè)厭惡他的人面前，而且他知道這只是漫漫長(zhǎng)夜的開(kāi)始，不是結(jié)束，他毫無(wú)辦法，只能忍受著熬過(guò)去。他無(wú)法控制這個(gè)夜晚，無(wú)法使之停止。

　 “My god,” Caleb says, after looking at him for a few long moments; it is the first time he has ever seen him wholly naked. “My god, you really are deformed. You really are.”

“老天，”凱萊布打量了他半天之后說(shuō)，這是他第一回看到他全身赤裸，“老天，你真的很畸形，你真的是?！?

　 For some reason, it is this, this pronouncement, that brings them both back to themselves, and he finds himself, for the first time in decades, crying. “Please,” he says. “Please, Caleb, I’m sorry.” But Caleb has already grabbed him by the back of his neck and is hurrying him, half dragging him, toward the front door. Into the elevator they go, and down the flights, and then he is being dragged out of the elevator and marched down the hallway toward the lobby. By now he is hysterical, pleading with Caleb, asking him again and again what he’s doing, what he’s going to do to him. At the front door, Caleb lifts him, and for a moment his face is fitted into the tiny dirty glass window that looks out onto Greene Street, and then Caleb is opening the door and he is being pushed out, naked, into the street.

出于某些原因，這個(gè)宣告把所有往事都帶了回來(lái)，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己二十幾年來(lái)第一次哭?！鞍萃校彼f(shuō)，“拜托，凱萊布，我很抱歉?！钡珓P萊布又抓住他的頸背，半催促半拖拉著他往前門(mén)走。他們進(jìn)入電梯，下了樓，然后他被拖出電梯，沿著走廊來(lái)到門(mén)廳。此時(shí)他已經(jīng)歇斯底里起來(lái)，懇求著凱萊布，一次又一次問(wèn)他要做什么、要對(duì)他怎么樣。到了前門(mén)，凱萊布抓起他，有那么片刻，他的臉抵著門(mén)上那面開(kāi)向格林街的骯臟小玻璃。然后凱萊布打開(kāi)門(mén)，把他推出去，全身赤裸，來(lái)到街上。

　 “No!” he shouts, half inside, half outside. “Caleb, please!” He is pulled between a crazed hope and a desperate fear that someone will walk by. But it is raining too hard; no one will walk by. The rain drums a wild pattern on his face.

“不！”他大喊，半在腦子里、半喊出聲，“凱萊布，拜托！”他渴望有人會(huì)經(jīng)過(guò)，卻又絕望地生怕有人經(jīng)過(guò)。但雨太大了，沒(méi)有人經(jīng)過(guò)。雨水瘋狂地打在他臉上。

　 “Beg me,” says Caleb, raising his voice over the rain, and he does, pleading with him. “Beg me to stay,” Caleb demands. “Apologize to me,” and he does, again and again, his mouth filling with his own blood, his own tears.

“求我。”凱萊布說(shuō)，在雨中提高嗓門(mén)，于是他乖乖懇求他?！扒笪伊粝聛?lái)?！眲P萊布命令道，“跟我道歉。”他都照做，一遍又一遍，嘴里充滿了他的血和淚。

　 Finally he is brought inside, and is dragged back to the elevator, where Caleb says things to him, and he apologizes and apologizes, repeating Caleb’s words back to him as he instructs: I’m repulsive. I’m disgusting. I’m worthless. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

最后他終于被帶進(jìn)門(mén)，拖回電梯里，凱萊布用各種難聽(tīng)的字眼罵他。他道歉又道歉，遵照凱萊布的命令，把凱萊布說(shuō)的那些話重復(fù)說(shuō)一遍：我很討厭。我很惡心。我毫無(wú)價(jià)值。我很抱歉，我很抱歉。

　 In the apartment, Caleb lets go of his neck, and he falls, his legs unsteady beneath him, and Caleb kicks him in the stomach so hard that he vomits, and then again in his back, and he slides over Malcolm’s lovely, clean floors and into the vomit. His beautiful apartment, he thinks, where he has always been safe. This is happening to him in his beautiful apartment, surrounded by his beautiful things, things that have been given to him in friendship, things that he has bought with money he has earned. His beautiful apartment, with its doors that lock, where he was meant to be protected from broken elevators and the degradation of pulling himself upstairs on his arms, where he was meant to always feel human and whole.

回到公寓里，凱萊布放開(kāi)他的脖子，他倒下去，雙腿根本站不住。凱萊布踢他肚子，踢得他吐了出來(lái)。接著又踢他背部，他滑過(guò)馬爾科姆那漂亮、干凈的地板，倒在嘔吐物中。他美麗的公寓，他心想，他在這里一直覺(jué)得很安全。這件事就發(fā)生在他美麗的公寓里，周?chē)际敲利惖臇|西，是朋友出于友誼送給他的，是他用自己賺的錢(qián)買(mǎi)的。他美麗的公寓，門(mén)上裝了鎖。在這里，他應(yīng)該被安全地保護(hù)著，不會(huì)有故障的電梯，或是需要用雙臂爬上樓的難堪，他應(yīng)該永遠(yuǎn)覺(jué)得像個(gè)完整的人。

　 Then he is being lifted again, and moved, but it is difficult to see where he’s being taken: one eye is already swollen shut, and the other is blurry. His vision keeps blinking in and out.

然后他又被抓起來(lái)，移動(dòng)著，但實(shí)在很難看出他要被帶到哪里去：他一只眼睛已經(jīng)腫到睜不開(kāi)了，另一只眼睛也視線模糊。他的視野時(shí)而清楚，時(shí)而模糊。

　 But then he realizes that Caleb is taking him to the door that leads to the emergency stairs. It is the one element of the old loft that Malcolm kept: both because he had to and because he liked how bluntly utilitarian it was, how unapologetically ugly. Now Caleb unslides the bolt, and he finds himself standing at the top of the dark, steep staircase. “So descent-into-hell looking,” he remembers Richard saying. One side of him is gluey with vomit; he can feel other liquids—he cannot think about what they are—moving down other parts of him: his face, his neck, his thighs.

但接著他明白了，凱萊布要帶他到通往緊急逃生梯的門(mén)那去。那是馬爾科姆保留的老廠房元素之一：一方面是因?yàn)橄婪ㄒ?guī)，一方面是他也喜歡那座坦率而實(shí)用，丑得理直氣壯的逃生梯。現(xiàn)在凱萊布拉開(kāi)插銷(xiāo)，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己站在陡峭樓梯的頂端。“簡(jiǎn)直像直通地獄。”他還記得理查德這么說(shuō)過(guò)。他身子一側(cè)黏著嘔吐物，同時(shí)還可以感覺(jué)到其他液體（他不敢去想那是什么）在他臉上、脖子上、大腿上往下流淌。

　 He is whimpering from pain and fear, clutching the edge of the doorframe, when he hears, rather than sees, Caleb move back and run at him, and then his foot is kicking him in his back, and he is flying into the black of the staircase.

他因?yàn)樘弁春秃ε露ㄆ饋?lái)，手抓著門(mén)框。此時(shí)他聽(tīng)到、而非看到，凱萊布往后退，接著沖向他，一腳踢中他的背，他就飛進(jìn)了樓梯的黑暗中。

　 As he soars, he thinks, suddenly, of Dr. Kashen. Or not of Dr. Kashen, necessarily, but the question he had asked him when he was applying to be his advisee: What’s your favorite axiom? (The nerd pickup line, CM had once called it.)

他飛起時(shí)，忽然想到了卡申博士?；蛘呶幢厥强ㄉ瓴┦?，而是他申請(qǐng)成為他的指導(dǎo)學(xué)生時(shí)，曾被問(wèn)到的問(wèn)題：你最喜歡的公理是哪個(gè)？（CM有回說(shuō)那是數(shù)學(xué)宅男的搭訕詞。）

　 “The axiom of equality,” he’d said, and Kashen had nodded, approvingly. “That’s a good one,” he’d said.

“相等公理?！彼f(shuō)，卡申博士贊許地點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭?！斑@個(gè)公理很好?！彼f(shuō)。

　 The axiom of equality states that x always equals x: it assumes that if you have a conceptual thing named x, that it must always be equivalent to itself, that it has a uniqueness about it, that it is in possession of something so irreducible that we must assume it is absolutely, unchangeably equivalent to itself for all time, that its very elementalness can never be altered. But it is impossible to prove. Always, absolutes, nevers: these are the words, as much as numbers, that make up the world of mathematics. Not everyone liked the axiom of equality—Dr. Li had once called it coy and twee, a fan dance of an axiom—but he had always appreciated how elusive it was, how the beauty of the equation itself would always be frustrated by the attempts to prove it. It was the kind of axiom that could drive you mad, that could consume you, that could easily become an entire life.

相等公理規(guī)定，x永遠(yuǎn)等于x：這個(gè)公理假設(shè)你有一個(gè)名叫x的概念，那么它一定恒等于自己，它有一種唯一性，具有某種不可約的性質(zhì)，因而我們必須假設(shè)它永遠(yuǎn)絕對(duì)地、不可改變地恒等于它自己，假設(shè)它最重要的本質(zhì)絕不改變。但這項(xiàng)公理無(wú)法被證明。永遠(yuǎn)、絕對(duì)、絕不：這些詞匯跟數(shù)字一樣常用，構(gòu)成了數(shù)學(xué)的世界。并不是每個(gè)人都喜歡相等公理——李博士有回就說(shuō)這項(xiàng)公理害羞又做作，是公理的裸體扇子舞——但他一直很欣賞這個(gè)公理的不可捉摸，這個(gè)等式本身的美總會(huì)被證明它的嘗試所掩蓋。這是那種會(huì)把你逼瘋、把你累垮、輕易害你耗上一輩子的公理。