《渺小一生》:“你覺得可以修復(fù)嗎？”

　 “Of course it is,” Willem had said. “There’s no better reason than that.”

“當(dāng)然是?！蓖f，“沒有更好的理由了?！?

　 He had never done it before, and so he had no real understanding of how slow, and sad, and difficult it was to end a friendship. Richard knows that he and JB and Willem and JB don’t talk any longer, but he doesn’t know why—or at least not from him. Now, years later, he no longer even blames JB; he simply cannot forget. He finds that some small but unignorable part of him is always wondering if JB will do it again; he finds he is scared of being left alone with him.

他之前從來沒有碰到過，所以并不真正了解要終止一份友誼會有多緩慢、多哀傷，又有多困難。理查德知道他和威廉都不跟杰比往來了，但不知道原因，至少無法從他這里知曉?，F(xiàn)在，多年過后，他再也不怪杰比了；他只是忘不了。他發(fā)現(xiàn)他心底有一塊很小但無法忽略的部分，始終擔(dān)心杰比可能會再做一次，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己很害怕跟他單獨(dú)相處。

　 Two years ago, the first year JB didn’t come up to Truro, Harold asked him if anything was the matter. “You never talk about him anymore,” he said.

兩年前，杰比首次沒跟他們?nèi)ヌ佤斄_度假，哈羅德問他是不是發(fā)生了什么事。“你現(xiàn)在都沒提起他了。”哈羅德說。

　 “Well,” he began, not knowing how to continue. “We’re not really—we’re not really friends any longer, Harold.”

“這個嘛，”他說，不知道該怎么講下去，“哈羅德，我們，我們現(xiàn)在不是朋友了?！?

　 “I’m sorry, Jude,” Harold said after a silence, and he nodded. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“我很遺憾，裘德?！惫_德頓了一會兒說，還點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，“你可以告訴我發(fā)生了什么事嗎？”哈羅德又問。

　 “No,” he said, concentrating on snapping the tops off the radishes. “It’s a long story.”

“沒有辦法。”他說，專心摘掉櫻桃蘿卜的葉梗，“那是個很長的故事?！?

　 “Can it be repaired, do you think?”

“你覺得可以修復(fù)嗎？”

　 He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

他搖搖頭：“我不認(rèn)為可以?！?

　 Harold sighed. “I’m sorry, Jude,” he repeated. “It must be bad.” He was quiet. “I always loved seeing you four together, you know. You had something special.”

哈羅德嘆氣?！拔液苓z憾，裘德?！彼终f了一次，“事情一定很嚴(yán)重?！彼麤]吭聲?！澳阒?，我一直很喜歡看你們四個在一起。你們的友誼很特別?！?

　 He nodded, again. “I know,” he said. “I agree. I miss him.”

他再度點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭?！拔抑?，”他說，“我也這樣覺得。我很想念他。”

　 He misses JB still; he expects he always will. He especially misses JB at events like this wedding, where the four of them would once have spent the night talking and laughing about everyone else, enviable and near obnoxious in their shared pleasure, their pleasure in one another. But now there are JB and Willem, nodding at each other across the table, and Malcolm, talking very fast to try to obscure any tension, and the other three people at the table, whom the four of them—he will always think of them as the four of them; the four of us—start interrogating with inappropriate intensity, laughing loudly at their jokes, using them as unwitting human shields. He is seated next to JB’s boyfriend—the nice white boy he had always wanted—who is in his twenties and has just gotten his nursing degree and is clearly besotted with JB. “What was JB like in college?” asks Oliver, and he says, “Very much the way he is today: funny, and sharp, and outrageous, and smart. And talented. He was always, always talented.”

他至今依然想念杰比，也預(yù)計自己會永遠(yuǎn)想念他。尤其是碰到這種婚禮的場合，以前他們四個都會整夜交談、取笑其他人。那種四人共有的開心，還有從彼此身上得到的開心，令人羨慕，簡直令人嫉恨。但現(xiàn)在杰比和威廉只是隔著桌子彼此點(diǎn)個頭，而馬爾科姆講話飛快，以掩飾緊張的氣氛，而且他們四個（他永遠(yuǎn)會想成他們四個、我們四個）開始不太得體地連番逼問同桌的其他三個人，對他們的笑話放聲大笑，把他們當(dāng)成不知情的人形盾牌。他隔壁坐著杰比的男朋友奧利弗（完全就是杰比一直想要的那種體貼白人小伙子），二十來歲，剛拿到護(hù)理學(xué)位，顯然為杰比癡迷?！敖鼙仍诖髮W(xué)里是什么樣子？”奧利弗問，而他回答：“很像他現(xiàn)在這樣：搞笑、敏銳、囂張、聰明，也很有才華。他一直都很有才華?！?

　 “Hmm,” says Oliver thoughtfully, looking over at JB, who is listening to Sophie with what seems like exaggerated concentration. “I never think of JB as funny, really.” And then he looks over at JB as well, wondering if Oliver has perhaps interpreted JB incorrectly or whether JB has, in fact, become someone else, someone he now wouldn’t recognize as the person he knew for so many years.

“唔，”奧利弗思索著說，看著似乎太專心聽蘇菲講話的杰比，“我從來不覺得杰比搞笑，真的。”然后他也望向杰比，很好奇是奧利弗對杰比解讀錯誤，還是杰比已經(jīng)變了一個人，他再也認(rèn)不出來了。

　 At the end of the night, there are kisses and handshakes, and when Oliver—to whom JB has clearly told nothing—tells him they should get together, the three of them, because he’s always wanted to get to know him, one of JB’s oldest friends, he smiles and says something vague, and gives JB a wave before heading outside, where Willem is waiting for him.

那一夜的尾聲，他們彼此吻頰或握手道別時，奧利弗（杰比顯然什么都沒告訴他）跟他說他們?nèi)齻€人應(yīng)該找時間多聚一聚，因為他知道他是杰比認(rèn)識最久的老友之一，一直想多了解他。他聽了報以微笑，說了些含糊的話，然后朝杰比揮揮手就走出去了，威廉正在門外等他。

　 “How was it for you?” Willem asks.

“你覺得怎么樣？”威廉問。

　 “Okay,” he says, smiling back at him. He thinks these meetings with JB are even harder for Willem than they are for him. “You?”

“還好?！彼f，朝他微笑。他覺得這些有杰比的聚會，威廉比他更難受，“你呢？”

　 “Okay,” Willem says. His girlfriend drives up to the curb; they are staying at a hotel. “I’ll call you tomorrow, all right?”

“還好?！蓖f。他的女朋友把車開到人行道邊緣，他們晚上住飯店，“我明天打電話給你，好嗎？”

　 Back in Cambridge, he lets himself into the silent house and walks as softly as he can back to his bathroom, where he prises his bag from beneath the loose tile near the toilet and cuts himself until he feels absolutely empty, holding his arms over the bathtub, watching the porcelain stain itself crimson. As he always does after seeing JB, he wonders if he has made the right decision. He wonders if all of them—he, Willem, JB, Malcolm—will lie awake that night longer than usual, thinking of one another’s faces and of conversations, good and bad, that they have had with one another over what had been more than twenty years of friendship.

回到劍橋市，他自己開門進(jìn)入靜悄悄的屋里，盡量輕手輕腳走回自己的臥室，然后從馬桶附近一塊松掉的瓷磚底下拿出他的小袋子，割自己割到他覺得完全放空為止，雙臂平舉在浴缸上方，看著瓷面染上深紅。他每次見過杰比總會有相同的行為，他好奇自己是否做了正確的決定。他好奇他們所有人——他、威廉、杰比、馬爾科姆——當(dāng)晚是否都難以入眠，躺在床上想著彼此的臉，想著二十多年友誼中種種有好有壞的對話。

　 Oh, he thinks, if I were a better person. If I were a more generous person. If I were a less self-involved person. If I were a braver person.

啊，他心想，如果我是個更好的人，如果我是個更寬厚的人，如果我是個比較不自我中心的人，如果我是個更勇敢的人。

　 Then he stands, gripping the towel bar as he does; he has cut himself too much tonight, and he is faint. He goes over to the full-length mirror that is hung on the back of the bedroom’s closet door. In his apartment on Greene Street, there are no full-length mirrors. “No mirrors,” he told Malcolm. “I don’t like them.” But really, he doesn’t want to be confronted with his image; he doesn’t want to see his body, his face staring back at him.

他今天割太多道了，覺得頭昏眼花。他抓著毛巾桿站起來，走到浴室柜前，打開柜門，看著門后那面穿衣鏡。他格林街的公寓里沒有穿衣鏡。“不要有鏡子。”之前他告訴馬爾科姆，“我不喜歡鏡子。”但其實是因為他不想面對自己的模樣，不想看到自己的身體，不想看到鏡中自己的臉。

　 But here at Harold and Julia’s, there is a mirror, and he stands in front of it for a few seconds, contemplating himself, before adopting the hunched pose JB had that night. JB was right, he thinks. He was right. And that is why I can’t forgive him.

但是在哈羅德和朱麗婭的家，有一面鏡子，而他站在鏡前幾秒鐘，凝視著自己，然后擺出杰比那一夜模仿他的駝背姿勢。杰比沒有錯，他心想，他沒有錯。這就是為什么我沒辦法原諒他。