《渺小一生》:那一刻他感覺到的不是生氣

　 “Richard,” he said, “I’d love to. But how much are you charging?”

“理查德，”他說，“我很愿意，不過你打算收多少錢？”

　 “I’m not talking about renting it, Jude,” said Richard. “I’m talking about buying it.” Richard had already talked to his father, who was his grandparents’ lawyer: they’d convert the building into a co-op, and he’d buy a certain number of shares. The only thing Richard’s family requested is that he or his heirs give them the right to buy the apartment back from him first if he ever decided to sell it. They would offer him a fair price, and he would pay Richard a monthly rent that would be applied toward his purchase. The Goldfarbs had done this before—his grouchy cousin’s girlfriend had bought a floor of the vinegar building a year ago—and it had worked out fine. Apparently, they got some sort of tax break if they each converted one of their buildings into at least a two-unit co-op, and so Richard’s father was trying to get all of the grandchildren to do so.

“我談的不是租，裘德，”理查德說，“是買。”理查德說他已經(jīng)跟父親談過了，他父親就是他祖父母的律師。他家里會把這棟樓房改成合作公寓，請他買一定數(shù)額的股份。理查德家里唯一的要求，就是理查德或他的繼承人如果決定要賣，就要給理查德家優(yōu)先購買權(quán)。理查德家會開一個合理的房價，他每個月付理查德一筆租金，分期抵免房款。理查德說，他們戈德法布家族之前已經(jīng)這樣做過了，他那位愛抱怨的表哥的女友一年前就買下了醋大樓的一層。顯然，如果他們每個人都把手上的一棟樓改為至少兩個單位的合作公寓，就可以得到某種減稅優(yōu)惠，所以理查德的父親正在設(shè)法讓所有的孫輩照做。

　 “Why are you doing this?” he asked Richard, quietly, once he had recovered. “Why me?”

“你為什么要這么做？”他一回過神來，就輕聲問理查德，“為什么是我？”

　 Richard shrugged. “It gets lonely here,” he said. “Not that I’m going to be stopping by all the time. But it’d be nice to know there’s another living being in this building sometimes. And you’re the most responsible of my friends, not that there’s a lot of competition for the title. And I like your company. Also—” He stopped. “Promise you won’t get mad.”

理查德聳聳肩，“住在這里有點孤單?！彼f，“雖然我也不會總是跑去找你。不過知道有另一個活人住在這棟樓里感覺比較好。而且你是我朋友里面最有責(zé)任感的，其他人都差太多了。我喜歡有你做伴。另外……”他停下來，“答應(yīng)我你不會生氣?！?

　 “Oh god,” he said. “But I promise.”

“老天，”他說，“我答應(yīng)就是了?！?

　 “Willem told me about what happened, you know, when you were trying to get upstairs last year and the elevator broke. It’s not anything to be embarrassed about, Jude. He’s just worried about you. I told him I was going to ask you about this anyway, and he thought—he thinks—it’s someplace you could live for a long time: forever. And the elevator will never break here. And if it does, I’ll be right downstairs. I mean—obviously, you can buy somewhere else, but I hope you’ll consider moving in here.”

“威廉跟我說了你上回發(fā)生的事情，你知道，就是你去年想上樓，結(jié)果電梯壞了。沒什么好難為情的，裘德。他只是擔(dān)心你而已。我跟他說我本來就打算要問你，而他覺得你在這里可以住很久，永遠住下去。這里的電梯從來不會壞。就算壞了，我就在樓下。我的意思是——當然啦，你可以買別的地方，不過我希望你考慮搬進來。”

　 In that moment he feels not angry but exposed: not just to Richard but to Willem. He tries to hide as much as he can from Willem, not because he doesn’t trust him but because he doesn’t want Willem to see him as less of a person, as someone who has to be looked after and helped. He wants Willem, wants them all, to think of him as someone reliable and hardy, someone they can come to with their problems, instead of him always having to turn to them. He is embarrassed, thinking of the conversations that have been had about him—between Willem and Andy, and between Willem and Harold (which he is certain happens more often than he fears), and now between Willem and Richard—and saddened as well that Willem is spending so much time worrying about him, that he is having to think of him the way he would have had to think of Hemming, had Hemming lived: as someone who needed care, as someone who needed decisions made for him. He sees the image of himself as an old man again: Is it possible it is also Willem’s vision, that the two of them share the same fear, that his ending seems as inevitable to Willem as it does to himself?

那一刻他感覺到的不是生氣，而是被暴露：不光是氣理查德，也氣威廉。他盡可能把自己的種種隱藏起來，不讓威廉看到，不是因為不信任，而是不想讓威廉把他當成一個不完整的人，需要照顧跟幫助。他希望威廉和其他所有人都認為他可靠又堅強，可以把自己的問題拿來找他幫忙解決，而不要總是讓他向他們求助。他覺得很難為情，想著那些有關(guān)他的對話——威廉和安迪，威廉和哈羅德（他很確定出現(xiàn)的頻率比他想的要多），而現(xiàn)在又有威廉和理查德——他也很難過威廉花那么多時間擔(dān)心他，難過他對威廉來說就像是亨明一樣（如果亨明還活著的話）了是個需要照顧、代他做決定的人。他眼前又浮現(xiàn)出自己成為老人的那個畫面：有可能在威廉的預(yù)想中，他的未來也是這樣，他們兩人有同樣的恐懼嗎？在威廉心中，他的人生結(jié)局似乎是不可避免的，就跟他自己所想的一樣？

　 He thinks, then, of a conversation he had once had with Willem and Philippa; Philippa was talking about how someday, when she and Willem were old, they’d take over her parents’ house and orchards in southern Vermont. “I can see it now,” she said. “The kids’ll have moved back in with us, because they won’t be able to make it in the real world, and they’ll have six kids between them with names like Buster and Carrot and Vixen, who’ll run around naked and won’t be sent to school, and whom Willem and I will have to support until the end of time—”

然后他想到有次和威廉、菲莉帕的對話，菲莉帕正談著等到有一天，她和威廉都老了，他們會接收她父母在南佛蒙特州的房子和果園?！拔椰F(xiàn)在就可以預(yù)想到那個樣子?！彼f，“孩子們都搬回來跟我們住，因為他們在真實世界混不下去，而且他們會有六個孩子，都取了些破壞狂、胡蘿卜或雌狐之類的怪名字。那些小鬼會光著身子跑來跑去，不去學(xué)校讀書。威廉和我還得養(yǎng)他們，直到地老天荒?！?

　 “What will your kids do?” he asked, practical even in play.

“那你們的小孩會做哪一行？”他問，即使玩游戲也還是很務(wù)實。

　 “Oberon will make art installations using only food products, and Miranda will play a zither with yarn for strings,” said Philippa, and he had smiled. “They’ll stay in grad school forever, and Willem will have to keep working until he’s so broken down that I have to push him onto the set in a wheelchair”—she stopped, blushing, but carried on after a hitch—“to pay for all their degrees and experiments. I’ll have to give up costume design and start an organic applesauce company to pay all our debts and maintain the house, which’ll be this huge, glorious wreck with termites everywhere, and we’ll have a huge, scarred wooden table big enough to seat all twelve of us.”

“奧伯倫做裝置藝術(shù)，只用食品做，而米蘭達彈奏紗線琴弦的齊特琴?！狈评蚺琳f，于是他微笑了，“他們會永遠在讀研究生，威廉得一直工作到非常老，最后我還得用輪椅推他到拍片現(xiàn)場……”她停下來，臉紅了，稍微暫停了會又立刻繼續(xù)，“……才能付他們的學(xué)費和生活費。我得放棄服裝設(shè)計，開一家有機蘋果泥公司，才能支付所有債務(wù)，同時維修我們的房子，那房子到處都被白蟻蛀蝕。我們會有一張充滿刮痕的大木桌，大到我們十二個人都坐得下。”

　 “Thirteen,” said Willem, suddenly.

“十三個人。”威廉忽然說。

　 “Why thirteen?”

“為什么？”

　 “Because—Jude’ll be living with us, too.”

“因為——裘德也會跟我們一起住。”

　 “Oh, will I?” he asked lightly, but pleased, and relieved, to be included in Willem’s vision of old age.

“哦，是嗎？”他輕聲問，但是心里很開心，而且松了一口氣，因為自己被納入了威廉的老年規(guī)劃中。

　 “Of course. You’ll have the guest cottage, and every morning Buster will bring you your buckwheat waffles because you’ll be too sick of us to join us at the main table, and then after breakfast I’ll come hang out with you and hide from Oberon and Miranda, who’re going to want me to make intelligent and supportive comments about their latest endeavors.” Willem grinned at him, and he smiled back, though he could see that Philippa herself wasn’t smiling any longer, but staring at the table. Then she looked up, and their eyes met for half a second, and she looked away, quickly.

“當然了，你會住在訪客小屋，每天早上破壞狂會送蕎麥格子松餅給你，因為你太受不了我們，不肯加入我們的大餐桌。早餐過后，我會過去跟你一起混，好躲開歐布朗和米蘭達，不然他們會要我對他們最近的工作成果發(fā)表睿智和表示支持的評論?！蓖肿煨Γ参⑿σ詫?。不過他看得出菲莉帕再也笑不出來了，只是瞪著桌子。然后她抬起頭，他們的雙眼對上半秒鐘，她又趕緊別開視線。

　 It was shortly after that, he thought, that Philippa’s attitude toward him changed. It wasn’t obvious to anyone but him—perhaps not even to her—but where he used to come into the apartment and see her sketching at the table and the two of them were able to talk, companionably, as he drank a glass of water and looked at her drawings, she would now just nod at him and say, “Willem’s at the store,” or “He’s coming back soon,” even though he hadn’t asked (she was always welcome at Lispenard Street, whether Willem was there or not), and he would linger a bit until it was clear she didn’t want to speak, and then retreat to his room to work.

之后沒多久，他覺得菲莉帕對他的態(tài)度就改變了。除了他之外，其他人都看不出來——或許連她自己都不覺得——但他以前回到公寓，看到她在桌前畫草圖，兩人會友好地聊聊天，他會喝著水看她畫；但現(xiàn)在她只是朝他點個頭說“威廉去買東西了”或“他很快就回來”，即使他根本沒問（利斯本納街的公寓向來歡迎她，無論威廉在不在），而他會逗留一下，直到她擺明了不想聊天，他才回自己的房間去工作。

　 He understood why Philippa might resent him: Willem invited him everywhere with them, included him in everything, even in their retirement, even in Philippa’s daydream of their old age. After that, he was careful to always decline Willem’s invitations, even if it was to things that didn’t involve his and Philippa’s couplehood—if they were going to a party at Malcolm’s to which he was also invited, he’d leave separately, and at Thanksgiving, he made sure to ask Philippa to Boston as well, though she hadn’t come in the end. He had even tried to talk to Willem about what he sensed, to awaken him to what he was certain she was feeling.

他明白菲莉帕為什么會怨恨他：無論他們?nèi)ツ睦铮紩埶?，什么事都會把他算在?nèi)，即使他們退休，即使在菲莉帕為他們的老年所編織的白日夢里。從此之后，他就會小心地推辭威廉的邀約，即使是一些非伴侶性質(zhì)的聚會——如果他們要去馬爾科姆家的派對，而他也受邀了，他會刻意自己去；到了感恩節(jié)，他一定會邀請菲莉帕一起來波士頓過節(jié)，不過最后她還是沒出席。他甚至設(shè)法跟威廉討論自己感覺到的，好提醒威廉注意她的感受。

　 “Do you not like her?” Willem had asked him, concerned.

“你不喜歡她嗎？”威廉擔(dān)心地問。

　 “You know I like Philippa,” he’d replied. “But I think—I think you should just hang out with her more alone, Willem, with just the two of you. It must get annoying for her to always have me around.”

“你明知道我喜歡菲莉帕，”他回答，“但是我覺得——我覺得你應(yīng)該更常跟她單獨相處，威廉，只有你們兩個?？偸怯形以谂赃?，她一定覺得很困擾?！?

　 “Did she say that to you?”

“她這么跟你說了？”