《渺小一生》:“當(dāng)然，除了外星人?！?/h1>

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2020年04月03日

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　 “Sounds interesting,” said Arthur, looking bored. “I don’t think I’ve heard of it, though. Huh. I’ll have to look it up. Well, good for you, Willem.”

“聽起來很有趣?！卑⑸f，一副不感興趣的表情，“不過我應(yīng)該沒聽說過。呃，我得去查一下。威廉，你真行。”

　 He hated the way certain people said “good for you, Willem,” as if his job were some sort of spun-sugar fantasy, a fiction he fed himself and others, and not something that actually existed. He especially hated it that night, when not fifty yards away, framed clearly in the window just behind Arthur’s head, happened to be a spotlit billboard mounted atop a building with his face on it—his scowling face, admittedly: he was, after all, fighting off an enormous mauve computer-generated alien—and BLACK MERCURY 3081: COMING SOON in two-foot-high letters. In those moments, he would be disappointed in the Hoodies. They’re no better than anyone else after all, he would realize. In the end, they’re jealous and trying to make me feel bad. And I’m stupid, because I do feel bad. Later, he would be irritated with himself: This is what you wanted, he would remind himself. So why do you care what other people think? But acting was caring what other people thought (sometimes it felt like that was all it was), and as much as he liked to think himself immune to other people’s opinions—as if he was somehow above worrying about them—he clearly wasn’t.

他痛恨某些人說“威廉，你真行”的口氣，好像他的工作是什么棉花糖幻象，只能用來唬自己和別人，而非真實(shí)存在。那天晚上他尤其火大，因?yàn)椴坏轿迨a[1]外，就在阿瑟腦袋后方的窗外，碰巧就有塊聚光燈照射的廣告牌矗立在一棟大樓樓頂，上頭有他的臉（一臉難以否認(rèn)的怒容：畢竟，他正在抵抗一個(gè)淡紫色、計(jì)算機(jī)仿真的巨大怪物），還有兩英尺高的大字（《黑色水星三〇八一》，即將上映）。在那些時(shí)刻，他會(huì)對虎德館的老友們很失望。他們畢竟不比其他人更高明，他會(huì)明白。到頭來，他們只是嫉妒，想讓我不舒服而已?？墒俏艺娲?，因?yàn)槲业拇_覺得不舒服。稍后他對自己很火大。這就是你想要的，他會(huì)提醒自己。干嗎在乎別人怎么想？但演戲就是會(huì)在意他人怎么想（有時(shí)感覺那是所有的目的）。盡管他寧愿相信自己對其他人的意見免疫，仿佛已經(jīng)超越了那個(gè)層次，但其實(shí)他做不到。

　 “I know it sounds so fucking petty,” he told Jude after that party. He was embarrassed by how annoyed he was—he wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone else.

“我知道這聽起來實(shí)在太小家子氣了?！蹦谴闻蓪笏嬖V裘德。他覺得自己那么火大很丟臉，但他不會(huì)跟其他人說。

　 “It doesn’t sound petty at all,” Jude had said. They were driving back to the city from Red Hook. “But Arthur’s a jerk, Willem. He always has been. And years of studying Herodotus hasn’t made him any less of one.”

“聽起來一點(diǎn)也不小氣?！濒玫庐?dāng)時(shí)說。他們當(dāng)時(shí)正從瑞德胡克開車回曼哈頓，“但阿瑟是個(gè)混蛋，威廉。他向來就是那樣。研究過幾年希羅多德，一點(diǎn)也沒讓他不像混蛋?！?

　 He smiled, reluctantly. “I don’t know,” he said. “Sometimes I feel there’s something so … so pointless about what I do.”

他不情愿地笑了：“不曉得?！彼f，“有時(shí)我覺得自己的工作好像很……很沒意義。”

　 “How can you say that, Willem? You’re an amazing actor; you really are. And you—”

“威廉，你怎么能這么說？你是個(gè)了不起的演員，真的。而且你……”

　 “Don’t say I bring joy to so many people.”

“拜托別說我?guī)Ыo很多人歡樂?！?

　 “Actually, I wasn’t going to say that. Your films aren’t really the sorts of things that bring joy to anyone.” (Willem had come to specialize in playing dark and complicated characters—often quietly violent, usually morally compromised—that inspired different degrees of sympathy. “Ragnarsson the Terrible,” Harold called him.)

“其實(shí)呢，我沒打算這么說。你的電影不是會(huì)帶來歡樂的那一類?！保ㄍ呀?jīng)逐漸被定型，經(jīng)常被找去演黑暗復(fù)雜的角色——通常頗為暴力，往往引發(fā)道德爭議——因而引發(fā)不同程度的同情，哈羅德稱呼他為“恐怖的朗納松”。）

　 “Except aliens, of course.”

“當(dāng)然，除了外星人?！?

　 “Right, except aliens. Although not even them—you kill them all in the end, don’t you? But Willem, I love watching them, and so do so many other people. That’s got to count for something, right? How many people get to say that, that they can actually remove someone from his daily life?” And when he didn’t answer: “You know, maybe we should stop going to these parties; they’re becoming unhealthy exercises in masochism and self-loathing for us both.” Jude turned to him and grinned. “At least you’re in the arts. I might as well be working for an arms dealer. Dorothy Wharton asked me tonight how it felt waking up each morning knowing I’d sacrificed yet another piece of my soul the day before.”

“對，除了外星人。連他們也不會(huì)帶來歡樂——到最后你把他們都?xì)⒐饬?，不是嗎？可是威廉，我喜歡看那些表演，其他人大多也喜歡。這算是某種成就吧？有多少人可以說他們有辦法除掉日常生活中的誰呢？”看他沒回答，裘德又說，“你知道，或許我們不該再參加這些派對了。對我們兩個(gè)來說，這些派對已經(jīng)變成不健康的受虐和引發(fā)自我厭惡的活動(dòng)了?！濒玫罗D(zhuǎn)向他咧嘴笑，“至少你還在做藝術(shù)方面的工作。我倒不如去幫軍火商工作算了。多蘿西·沃頓今天晚上還問我，每天早上起床時(shí)，知道自己前一天又犧牲了自己一部分的靈魂是什么感覺?！?

　 Finally, he laughed. “No, she didn’t.”

他終于大笑了：“不，她不會(huì)這么說吧?！?

　 “Yes, she did. It was like having a conversation with Harold.”

“會(huì)，她就是這么說的。害我覺得好像在跟哈羅德講話。”

　 “Yeah, if Harold was a white woman with dreadlocks.”

“是啊，如果哈羅德是個(gè)綁著辮子頭的白種女人?！?

　 Jude smiled. “As I said, like having a conversation with Harold.”

裘德微笑：“我剛剛就這么說啊，就像在跟哈羅德講話?！?

　 But really, both of them knew why they kept attending these parties: because they had become one of the few opportunities the four of them had to be together, and at times they seemed to be their only opportunity to create memories the four of them could share, keeping their friendship alive by dropping bundles of kindling onto a barely smoldering black smudge of fire. It was their way of pretending everything was the same.

其實(shí)，他們兩人都知道為什么自己會(huì)繼續(xù)參加這類派對，因?yàn)槟切┡蓪σ呀?jīng)變成他們四個(gè)人難得相聚的機(jī)會(huì)之一，有時(shí)甚至還是唯一能創(chuàng)造出四人共同回憶的機(jī)會(huì)，維持他們友誼的生機(jī)的機(jī)會(huì)，就像是把一束束引火柴丟進(jìn)快要熄滅的黑色炭火里，這是他們假裝一切依然如昔的方法。

　 It also provided them an excuse to pretend that everything was fine with JB, when they all three knew that something wasn’t. Willem couldn’t quite identify what was wrong with him—JB could be, in his way, almost as evasive as Jude when it came to certain conversations—but he knew that JB was lonely, and unhappy, and uncertain, and that none of those sensations were familiar ones to him. He sensed that JB—who had so loved college, its structures and hierarchies and microsocieties that he had known how to navigate so well—was trying with every party to re-create the easy, thoughtless companionship they had once had, when their professional identities were still foggy to them and they were united by their aspirations instead of divided by their daily realities. So he organized these outings, and they all obediently followed as they had always done, giving him the small kindness of letting him be the leader, the one who decided for them, always.

這也為他們提供一個(gè)借口，假裝杰比一切都好，但其實(shí)他們?nèi)齻€(gè)都明白并非如此。威廉也說不出他哪里不對勁（碰到某些特定的話題，杰比也會(huì)用自己的方式躲避，幾乎像裘德一樣厲害），只知道杰比很寂寞、很不快樂、很彷徨，而這些感覺都不是杰比熟悉的。他感覺到，熱愛大學(xué)時(shí)代，對于其中的結(jié)構(gòu)、階級和小圈子生態(tài)都應(yīng)付自如的杰比，如今在每個(gè)派對中都試圖重現(xiàn)他們四個(gè)人曾擁有的那種輕松、不必多想的友誼。當(dāng)時(shí)他們還不清楚自己的專業(yè)定位，卻因?yàn)槎紦碛斜ж?fù)而凝聚起來，沒有被各自的日常現(xiàn)實(shí)分隔。所以杰比籌劃大家出門參加派對，其他三個(gè)也一如既往地乖乖遵從，甘心讓他當(dāng)領(lǐng)袖，讓他為大家做決定。

　 He would have liked to have seen JB one-on-one, just the two of them, but these days, when he wasn’t with his college friends, JB ran with a different crowd, one consisting mostly of art world hangers-on, who seemed to be only interested in doing lots of drugs and then having dirty sex, and it simply wasn’t appealing to him. He was in New York less and less often—just eight months in the past three years—and when he was home, there were the twin and contradictory pressures to spend meaningful time with his friends and to do absolutely nothing at all.

他很愿意私下跟杰比見面，就他們兩個(gè)。但最近這陣子，如果杰比不跟他的大學(xué)朋友一起玩，就會(huì)跑去找另一批完全不同的人，大部分都是想攀附藝術(shù)圈的人。這些人唯一的興趣就是嗑很多藥，然后隨便亂上床，這類事情他實(shí)在沒興趣。他越來越不常在紐約（過去三年只有八個(gè)月）。當(dāng)他難得待在紐約時(shí)，就會(huì)感到兩股彼此矛盾的壓力，一方面想跟朋友好好共度時(shí)光，一方面只想什么都不做。

　 Now, though, he kept moving toward Jude, who had at least been released by Marta and her grouchy friend and was talking to their friend Carolina (seeing this, he felt guilty anew, as he hadn’t talked to Carolina in months and he knew she was angry with him), when Francesca blocked his path to reintroduce him to a woman named Rachel with whom he had worked four years ago on a production of Cloud 9, for which she had been the assistant dramaturg. He was happy enough to see her again—he had liked her all those years ago; he had always thought she was pretty—but he knew, even as he was talking to her, that it would go no further than a conversation. After all, he hadn’t been exaggerating: he started filming in five weeks. Now was not the time to get ensnared in something new and complicated, and he didn’t really have the energy for a one-night hookup which, he knew, had a funny way of becoming as exhausting as something longer-term.

現(xiàn)在，他繼續(xù)朝裘德走去，發(fā)現(xiàn)他終于被馬爾塔和她愛發(fā)牢騷的朋友放過，正在跟他們的朋友卡羅萊娜講話。（看到這一幕，他又生出罪惡感，因?yàn)樗脦讉€(gè)月沒跟卡羅萊娜聯(lián)系，知道她正在生自己的氣。）此時(shí)，弗朗西斯卡忽然擋住他的路，要重新介紹他認(rèn)識(shí)一個(gè)叫蕾切爾的女人，四年前他們曾在舞臺(tái)劇《九重天》共事，她是劇場指導(dǎo)助理。他挺開心能再碰到她（四年前他就很喜歡她，一直覺得她很漂亮），但這會(huì)兒跟她講話，他知道他們頂多就是聊一下而已，畢竟，他再過五個(gè)星期就要去外地拍戲了?，F(xiàn)在不是陷入復(fù)雜新戀情的時(shí)候，而且他實(shí)在沒有力氣玩一夜情了，因?yàn)樗?，一夜情有可能以一種有趣的方式，變得跟長期戀情一樣磨人。

　 Ten minutes or so into his conversation with Rachel, his phone buzzed, and he apologized and checked the message from Jude: Leaving. Don’t want to interrupt your conversation with the future Mrs. Ragnarsson. See you at home.

跟蕾切爾聊了大約十分鐘，他的手機(jī)振動(dòng)起來，他道歉一聲，看了一下裘德傳來的短信：走了。不想打擾你和未來朗納松太太的談話，回家見。

　 “Shit,” he said, and then to Rachel, “Sorry.” Suddenly, the spell of the party ended, and he was desperate to leave. Their participation in these parties were a kind of theater that the four of them agreed to stage for themselves, but once one of the actors left the stage, there seemed little point in continuing. He said goodbye to Rachel, whose expression changed from perplexed to hostile once she realized he was truly leaving and she wasn’t being invited to leave with him, and then to a group of other people—Marta, Francesca, JB, Malcolm, Edie, Carolina—at least half of whom seemed deeply annoyed with him. It took him another thirty minutes to extricate himself from the apartment, and on his way downstairs, he texted Jude back, hopefully, You still here? Leaving now, and then, when he didn’t get a reply, Taking train. Picking something up at the apt—see you soon.

“狗屎?！彼f，然后對蕾切爾說，“對不起。”忽然間，派對的魔力消失了，他只想趕快離開。他們參加的這類派對是某種劇場，由他們四個(gè)講好自己出演，但一旦其中一個(gè)演員離開舞臺(tái)，繼續(xù)演下去就沒有意義了。他跟蕾切爾說再見（她一明白他真的要走，而且沒邀請她一起，表情就從困惑變成敵意），再跟其他一群人道別——馬爾塔、弗朗西斯卡、杰比、馬爾科姆、伊迪、卡羅萊娜——至少有一半人因此很不高興。他又花了三十分鐘才終于從那個(gè)公寓脫身，下樓時(shí)，他抱著希望回了裘德的短信：你還在嗎？我要走了。沒等到回應(yīng)，他又發(fā)：我坐地鐵。先回我公寓拿點(diǎn)東西，晚點(diǎn)見。