《渺小一生》:“我真的不知道?。　?/h1>

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2020年03月29日

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　 “But I honestly don’t know!”

“我真的不知道??！”

　 “The things I’ve done,” he said, “the diseases I have from them.” He stumbled on, hating himself. “It’s disgusting; I’m disgusting.”

“我做過(guò)的那些事。我因此染上的疾病?！彼Y(jié)巴了，非常恨自己，“那太惡心了，我太惡心了。”

　 “Jude,” Andy began, and as he spoke, he paused between every few words, and he could feel Andy picking his way across a mine-pocked lawn, so deliberately and slowly was he going. “You were a kid, a baby. Those things were done to you. You have nothing, nothing to blame yourself for, not ever, not in any universe.”

“裘德，”安迪再度開(kāi)口，每說(shuō)幾個(gè)字就停下來(lái)，他可以感覺(jué)到安迪謹(jǐn)慎地挑選著字眼，像在一片布滿地雷的草坪，極其謹(jǐn)慎緩慢地往前走，“你當(dāng)時(shí)年紀(jì)很小，是個(gè)小孩。那些事情是別人對(duì)你做的。你沒(méi)有什么可以怪自己的，完全沒(méi)有，從來(lái)沒(méi)有，絕對(duì)不可能有?！?

　 Andy looked at him. “And even if you hadn’t been a kid, even if you had just been some horny guy who wanted to fuck everything in sight and had ended up with a bunch of STDs, it still wouldn’t be anything to be ashamed of.” He sighed. “Can you try to believe me?”

安迪看著他：“就算你當(dāng)時(shí)不是小孩，只是個(gè)精蟲(chóng)上腦的男人，看到什么都想上，結(jié)果得了一大堆性病，那也沒(méi)有什么好羞愧的?！彼麌@了口氣，“你能不能試著相信我？”

　 He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

他搖頭：“我不知道?！?

　 “I know,” Andy said. They were quiet. “I wish you’d see a therapist, Jude,” he added, and his voice was sad. He couldn’t respond, and after a few minutes, Andy stood up. “Well,” he said, sounding determined, “l(fā)et’s see them,” and he took off his sweater and held out his arms.

“我明白?！卑驳险f(shuō)。他們沉默下來(lái)，“裘德，我真希望你去做心理咨詢?！卑驳嫌盅a(bǔ)了一句，聲音好憂傷。他無(wú)法回答。過(guò)了兩分鐘，安迪站起來(lái)?！昂冒桑彼f(shuō)，口氣很堅(jiān)定，“我們來(lái)看看那些割傷吧?！庇谑撬摰裘?，伸出雙臂。

　 He could tell by Andy’s expression that it was worse than he had anticipated, and when he looked down and tried to view himself as something unfamiliar, he could see in flashes what Andy did: the gobs of bandages applied at intervals to the fresh cuts, the half-healed cuts, with their fragile stitchings of still-forming scar tissue, the one infected cut, which had developed a chunky cap of dried pus.

根據(jù)安迪的表情，他看得出狀況比他預(yù)期的更糟。當(dāng)他視線往下移，試圖客觀地看自己的手臂時(shí)，在幾個(gè)短暫的瞬間，他瞥見(jiàn)安迪所看到的：每隔一段距離就有一團(tuán)隆起的繃帶貼著新的割傷，而半愈合的割傷，脆弱的縫線底下是尚未完全成形的疤痕組織，還有一個(gè)感染的割傷，上頭干掉的膿已經(jīng)結(jié)成厚厚的一塊。

　 “So,” Andy said after a long silence, after he’d almost finished his right arm, cleaning out the infected cut and painting antibiotic cream on the others, “what about your extreme weight loss?”

“那么，”安迪沉默許久才開(kāi)口，此時(shí)他幾乎檢查完了他的右手臂，清理了那個(gè)感染的割傷，又在其他割痕上擦了抗生素藥膏，“你的體重一下子減輕是怎么回事？”

　 “I don’t think it’s extreme.”

“我不認(rèn)為是一下子。”

　 “Jude,” said Andy, “twelve pounds in not quite eight weeks is extreme, and you didn’t exactly have twelve pounds to spare to begin with.”

“裘德，”安迪說(shuō)，“不到八周瘦了十二磅[1]，這就叫一下子。而且你原本就沒(méi)那么多體重可以減?！?

　 “I’m just not hungry,” he said, finally.

“我只是不餓?！弊詈笏K于說(shuō)。

　 Andy didn’t say anything else until he finished both his arms, and then sighed and sat down again and started scribbling on his pad. “I want you to eat three full meals a day, Jude,” he said, “plus one of the things on this list. Every day. That’s in addition to standard meals, do you understand me? Or I’m going to call your crew and make them sit with you every mealtime and watch you eat, and you don’t want that, believe me.” He ripped the page off the pad and handed it to him. “And then I want you back here next week. No excuses.”

安迪沒(méi)再說(shuō)別的，默默檢查完兩只手臂，嘆了口氣再度坐下來(lái)，開(kāi)始在筆記本上寫(xiě)字?！棒玫?，我要你每天吃完整的三餐。”他說(shuō)，“外加這個(gè)清單上的每一樣，每天吃。這個(gè)是標(biāo)準(zhǔn)三餐外要補(bǔ)充的，懂了沒(méi)？否則我就要打電話給你的組員，叫他們?cè)诿恳欢斡貌蜁r(shí)間陪著你，看你吃。相信我，你不會(huì)想要這樣。”他從筆記本撕下那張紙遞給他，“另外，我要你下周再來(lái)這里。不準(zhǔn)有借口?！?

　 He looked at the list—PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH. CHEESE SANDWICH. AVOCADO SANDWICH. 3 EGGS (WITH YOLKS!!!!). BANANA SMOOTHIE—and tucked it into his pants pocket.

他看了一下清單——花生醬三明治、奶酪三明治、牛油果三明治、三顆雞蛋（要有蛋黃?。。。。?、香蕉冰沙——然后折起來(lái)塞進(jìn)長(zhǎng)褲口袋。

　 “And the other thing I want you to do is this,” said Andy. “When you wake up in the middle of the night and want to cut yourself, I want you to call me instead. I don’t care what time it is, you call me, okay?” He nodded. “I mean it, Jude.”

“另外我還要你做一件事?！卑驳险f(shuō)，“你睡到半夜醒來(lái)、想割自己的時(shí)候，我要你改成打電話給我。我不在乎幾點(diǎn)，反正打給我就是了，好嗎？”他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。“我是說(shuō)真的，裘德。”

　 “I’m sorry, Andy,” he said.

“我很抱歉，安迪?！彼f(shuō)。

　 “I know you are,” said Andy. “But you don’t need to be sorry—not to me, anyway.”

“我知道你很抱歉?！卑驳险f(shuō)，“但你不必覺(jué)得抱歉，總之不必對(duì)我抱歉?！?

　 “To Harold,” he said.

“對(duì)哈羅德吧?！彼f(shuō)。

　 “No,” Andy corrected. “Not to Harold, either. Just to yourself.”

“不?！卑驳霞m正他，“也不必對(duì)哈羅德抱歉，只要對(duì)你自己?！?

　 He went home and ate away at a banana until it turned to dirt in his mouth and then changed and continued washing the living-room windows, which he had begun the night before. He rubbed at them, inching the sofa closer so he could stand atop one of its arms, ignoring the twinges in his back as he climbed up and down, lugging the bucket of dirtied gray water slowly to the tub. After he’d finished the living room and Willem’s room, he was in so much pain that he had to crawl to the bathroom, and after cutting himself, he rested, holding his arm above his head and wrapping the mat about him. When his phone rang, he sat up, disoriented, before groaningly moving to his bedroom—where the clock read three a.m.—and listening to a very cranky (but alert) Andy.

他回家后吃了一根香蕉，覺(jué)得像在吃泥巴。然后換了衣服，繼續(xù)刷洗客廳的窗子。他是前一夜開(kāi)始洗的，他刷著，把沙發(fā)拖到窗前，這樣就可以站在沙發(fā)的扶手上，也不管爬上爬下時(shí)背部的陣陣劇痛。接著，他把那桶灰色的臟水緩緩?fù)系皆「椎沟?。等他清理完客廳和威廉的房間，已經(jīng)痛到只能爬到浴室。割完自己之后他打算休息一下，一只手臂舉到頭上，把地墊拖過(guò)來(lái)蓋住自己。手機(jī)鈴響時(shí)，他坐起身，茫然不知身在何處，接著才呻吟著移向臥室——里頭的鐘顯示是上午3點(diǎn)，然后聽(tīng)到安迪非常暴躁（但警覺(jué)）的聲音。

　 “I called too late,” Andy guessed. He didn’t say anything. “Listen, Jude,” Andy continued, “you don’t stop this and I really am going to have you committed. And I’ll call Harold and tell him why. You can count on it.” He paused. “And besides which,” he added, “aren’t you tired, Jude? You don’t have to do this to yourself, you know. You don’t need to.”

“我太晚打了?！卑驳喜?，他什么都沒(méi)講，“聽(tīng)我說(shuō)，裘德?！卑驳侠^續(xù)，“你再不停止，我就得把你強(qiáng)制送醫(yī)了。而且我要打電話給哈羅德，告訴他為什么。我說(shuō)到做到?！彼麜和Ｒ幌?，“除此之外，裘德，你不累嗎？你知道你不必對(duì)自己這樣。你不必的。”