男女生的腦回路有多不同？戀愛內(nèi)心戲?qū)Ρ刃娋W(wǎng)友

有位名叫Dave Barry的記者在1995年寫了一本名為“Complete Guide to Guys”(《男性完全指南》)的書，23年過后，其中的一個(gè)段落依舊為人津津樂道。

 

 

這段文字風(fēng)趣地描繪了男性和女性思維模式的不同。

小故事的主角是一對(duì)相戀不久的情侶，Roger和Elaine。他們愉快地看了幾次電影，約了幾頓飯，感覺不錯(cuò)，就繼續(xù)頻繁見面，過了一段時(shí)間后，他們都不再和別的人約會(huì)了。

 

 

一天晚上，他們開車回家，Elaine有了一個(gè)想法，她不假思索地說了出來：

“Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

“你知道嗎，到今晚，我們已經(jīng)約會(huì)整整六個(gè)月了?”

接下來，車內(nèi)是一陣沉默。

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

車?yán)镒兊煤馨察o。對(duì)Elaine來說，這安靜來得很喧囂。她心想：天，我這么說是不是讓他心煩了?？赡芪覀兊年P(guān)系讓他感到受束縛了，可能他覺得我在催他為這段關(guān)系負(fù)責(zé)任，而他也許不想，或不確定要不要做出承諾。

而Roger在想：

“Gosh. Six months.”

“我天，六個(gè)月。”

Elaine想：

But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward…

但是，我也不確定我是不是想要這樣的關(guān)系呀。有時(shí)候我希望能有多一點(diǎn)空間，容我思考自己是不是真的想和他這樣繼續(xù)發(fā)展下去，一直走向……

I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? 我意思是，我們到底要走向哪兒?我們是按照這種親密程度一直約會(huì)下去?還是說我們會(huì)結(jié)婚?生孩子?一輩子在一起?我準(zhǔn)備好做出這樣的承諾了嗎?我真的足夠了解這個(gè)人嗎?

而Roger此刻在想：

…so that means it was… let’s see …February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means… lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

……那就是說，我想想……我們是二月份開始約會(huì)的，那時(shí)我剛買了這輛車，也就是說……讓我看看里程表……哇!我早該去更換機(jī)油啦。

Elaine繼續(xù)胡思亂想：

He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

他很不安。我從他臉上就能看出來。也許我完全理解錯(cuò)了。也許他想要從這段關(guān)系中得到更多，更多的親密感，更多的承諾;也許他感覺到了——甚至比我更早發(fā)覺——我是有所保留的。是的，我打賭是這樣。這就是他不愿說出自己真實(shí)感受的原因。他害怕被拒絕。

而Roger的思想已經(jīng)跑向了另一個(gè)方向：

And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

我還得讓他們?cè)倏纯醋兯倨鳌Ｎ也还苣切┐镭浽趺凑f，這車換檔還是不對(duì)。他們這次最好別說是因?yàn)樘鞖饫?。什么天氣?現(xiàn)在外面30度，但這玩意兒換起檔來像臺(tái)垃圾車，我還付了那些無能的家伙600刀呢。

Elaine繼續(xù)著她天馬行空的關(guān)于雙方感情關(guān)系和自我內(nèi)心的剖析，Roger則將思緒集中到失靈裝置的售后保障上……

Elaine想：

He's angry. And don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

他生氣了，這不怪他，要我我也氣。我真覺得對(duì)不起他，讓他經(jīng)受這種折磨，但我忍不住自己的想法。我總是不確定。

Roger想：

They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...

他們保不齊要說保修單只保90天……

Elaine想：

Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

也許我太理想化了，總想等著英俊的騎士騎著白馬來接我，而我此刻正坐在一個(gè)好得不能再好的人身邊。一個(gè)我能愉快相處的人，一個(gè)我真正關(guān)心的人，一個(gè)好像也真正關(guān)心我的人。而此刻這個(gè)人正因?yàn)槲易运降男∨⑹降睦寺孟攵柺苷勰ァ?/p>

Roger想：

Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and...

保修單?他們想要保修單?看我不把保修單甩他們一臉。我要拿著他們的保修單，然后……

沉浸在悲傷聯(lián)想中的Elaine終于忍無可忍。

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“Roger,”Elaine大聲地說。

"What?" says Roger, startled.

“啥?”Roger嚇了一跳。

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God I feel so..." (She breaks down sobbing.)

“別折磨自己了，”她說，淚水涌上她的雙眼。“可能我真不該……天哪我真的覺得……”(她崩潰，抽泣。)

"What?" says Roger.

“啥?”Roger說。

她想到了方才內(nèi)心戲中掠過的白馬王子的影子：

“I'm such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There’s no knight, and there's no horse.”

“我真是個(gè)傻瓜，”Elaine抽泣著。“我的意思是，我知道沒有騎士。我真的知道。太傻了。沒有騎士，也沒有馬。”

“There's no horse?” Says Roger.

“沒有馬?”Roger說。

兩人雞同鴨講半天，然后，Elaine說，“我需要一點(diǎn)時(shí)間(I need some time)”。

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.

接下來是15秒的沉默，Roger的腦袋飛速地轉(zhuǎn)著，努力要想出一個(gè)安全的答復(fù)。終于，他想出了一個(gè)自認(rèn)可行的答案。“好的，”他說。Elaine深受感動(dòng)，摸了摸他的手。

然后，女生回到家，帶著一顆矛盾的、備受折磨的心，抽泣到黎明。

男生回家后，捧著一包玉米片，打開電視，快速沉浸到一場(chǎng)網(wǎng)球比賽中。

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

第二天，Elaine會(huì)給她最好的一個(gè)朋友打電話，或許是兩個(gè)，她們會(huì)就當(dāng)前形勢(shì)持續(xù)討論六小時(shí)。事無巨細(xì)，逐字逐句分析她和他說的每句話，一遍遍推敲整個(gè)過程，探討每個(gè)詞匯表達(dá)、每個(gè)手勢(shì)的細(xì)微含義，思考每一種可能的結(jié)果。

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

與此同時(shí)，Roger在和他與Elaine都認(rèn)識(shí)的一個(gè)朋友玩壁球，他在發(fā)球前停頓片刻，皺著眉說：“哥們，Elaine養(yǎng)過馬嗎?”

And that's the difference between men and women.

而這就是男人與女人的不同。

 

 

這則小故事讓不少網(wǎng)友看完開心大笑，有人覺得作者幽默地展現(xiàn)了戀愛中男生和女生的不同，也有人覺得這是一種“gender stereotype”(性別刻板印象)。

像這個(gè)女生這樣想太多，其實(shí)在年輕人當(dāng)中是很常見的，男生也會(huì)這樣。不過很多人慢慢會(huì)改變的。

我也經(jīng)常內(nèi)心戲太豐富，我是個(gè)男生。通常這種情況都發(fā)生在追求女生的階段，不過一旦關(guān)系確立了，我就和帖子里這個(gè)男生差不多了。

顯然，兩性的內(nèi)心對(duì)比并非像文中表現(xiàn)得這樣非黑即白。但在戀愛中，兩個(gè)不同的個(gè)體要和諧相處，必然要磨合和包容。

如果想要長期的伴侶，穩(wěn)定的關(guān)系，就要以積極的態(tài)度來對(duì)待所謂“容忍”，換個(gè)角度，“忍”也是一種包容和奉獻(xiàn)，是對(duì)關(guān)系之中另一半的呵護(hù)，亦是自己為人的修煉。

 

 

另有一本風(fēng)靡全球的暢銷書《男人來自火星，女人來自金星》(Men are from Mars，Women are from Venus)，其中亦總結(jié)了一些男女兩性的差異與和諧共處之道，在這里試舉幾例：

When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift.

一個(gè)男人如果能不生氣、不煩躁地傾聽女人訴說自己的感覺，那便是給了她一個(gè)美好的禮物。

He makes it safe for her to express herself.

他讓她能安心地表達(dá)自己的情感。

The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs.

她表達(dá)得愈多，就愈覺得被傾聽與被了解，也愈能給予男人需要的愛與信任、接受、欣賞、贊美、肯定與鼓勵(lì)。

Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.

男人的動(dòng)力來自于感覺到自己被需要，女人的動(dòng)力來自于覺得自己被珍愛。

Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

男人們要記住，女人和你談問題煩惱時(shí)，是為了增進(jìn)親密感，而未必是想要解決方案。

When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.

只有當(dāng)男人和女人能夠尊重和接受彼此的不同，愛情才有機(jī)會(huì)盛放。

當(dāng)然，以上總結(jié)也許也有“gender stereotype”之嫌，但兩性在溝通時(shí)難免會(huì)遇到障礙。

伴侶間總需要接納彼此的不同，一起尋找良好的處理方式。

相信一段成功的戀愛關(guān)系，是能讓雙方共同成長的。

你在和男/女朋友相處的過程中，有過哪些讓你感覺彼此“腦回路”不同的小故事?歡迎分享。