雅思大作文點(diǎn)評(píng)系列：廣告的作用

　　Some parents think advertising tells too much information about snacks and toys to children. But companies think advertising also shows useful information. Discuss both sides and give your opinion according to your own experience and knowledge.

　　A disputed issue which drew our attention recently is that the combat between parents’ complaints about too much commerce-based advertisements which provided children with nothing but merely meaningless staff and the companies’ positive attitudes towards the useful information through this media. Since nowadays we are all evolved in this information age that get us much exposure to a bunch of advertisements with various information, it is surely a dilemma if someone is asked to judge between the two parties above. Nevertheless, I will choose to be on the company side as far as I am concerned. (96words)

　　結(jié)構(gòu)分析：2+1’的模式，最后1句為主體句，前2句介紹背景，沒有照抄原文。從內(nèi)容上來講，此段完全符合要求。但是從詞數(shù)上來看，有點(diǎn)太多了!!!第一段還是言簡(jiǎn)意賅的比較好，不要過分長(zhǎng)，這樣也不好!!!

　　語言分析：很明顯，此篇文章作者是具有一定英語水平的，極力追求長(zhǎng)句?？墒?，仔細(xì)分析后，前兩句長(zhǎng)句都有錯(cuò)!!!這樣的話，最多也只有5分。大家必須明白一個(gè)道理：先追求正確性，再追求多樣性。否則，只會(huì)得不償失!!!

　　第1句：A disputed issue which drew our attention recently(時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)，有副詞recently，用現(xiàn)在完成時(shí)比較好) is that(原以為作者此處用that引導(dǎo)一個(gè)表語從句，但是很明顯，接下來的內(nèi)容是一個(gè)combat between A and B的結(jié)構(gòu)，根本就不是句子，此為嚴(yán)重錯(cuò)誤!!!)the combat between parents’ complaints about too much commerce-based advertisements which provided children with nothing but merely meaningless staff and the companies’ positive attitudes towards the useful information through this(改為the比較好) media.

　　第2句：Since nowadays we are all evolved(此處估計(jì)應(yīng)該是involved,否則很難懂作者想表達(dá)什么!!!) in this information age that get(主謂一致的錯(cuò)誤，先行詞是information age，是單數(shù)!!!) us much exposure(其實(shí)這里用expose sb to sth.的結(jié)構(gòu)更符合這個(gè)詞的習(xí)慣用法!!!) to a bunch of advertisements with various information, it is surely a dilemma if someone is asked to judge between the two parties above.

　　印象分：第1段給我的感覺是，作者的水平應(yīng)該是6分，但是錯(cuò)誤太多，起評(píng)分5分。

　　People are largely dependent on informative details from advertisements　without which making their choices would be harder. This point can be strongly proved by those annual fashionable trends youngsters follow. We can easily found (低級(jí)錯(cuò)誤，應(yīng)該為can easily find)a certain group of people who wear the exact sort of perfume or the same hairstyle on almost each head(前半句動(dòng)賓搭配不當(dāng)wear perfume, wear hairstyle怎么能夠搭配到一起的?!后半句典型的Chinese English!!!　on almost each head算什么意思，不寫也罷!!!). There is no way if a brand-new product spreads nationwide immediately after its birth just by sharing ideas with friends around you. (此句，前半句的意思表達(dá)地不是很清楚，請(qǐng)大家一起研究一下，作者到底想說什么?!)We only discuss about qualifications of this product(產(chǎn)品的質(zhì)量應(yīng)該說成quality吧) after knowing it from advertisements on TVs, posters or other mass intermediates. (96words)

　　結(jié)構(gòu)分析：第1句是主題句，后接4句支持句。作者還是習(xí)慣性地追求長(zhǎng)句。這點(diǎn)并沒有什么不好。但是有一點(diǎn)要提醒大家：該長(zhǎng)的長(zhǎng)，該短的還得短啊!!!有時(shí)候，可以寫的簡(jiǎn)潔一點(diǎn)的句子或者說沒法寫得長(zhǎng)的句子，就寫得短一點(diǎn)，沒什么不好。雅思作文可沒要求句句都要寫長(zhǎng)!!!而且硬組合起來的長(zhǎng)句也并不好，要是再寫錯(cuò)，豈不是賠了夫人又折兵啊!!!

　　Snacks and toys, tough(根據(jù)句意，應(yīng)該是though) mainly designed for teens, do take one part of(你不會(huì)想告訴我，你是想說“一部分”吧!!!應(yīng)該是a certain part of) the on-sale information advertisements convey. Admittedly, all food producers expect a promising prospect of their products，(此處應(yīng)改為;) they then will naturally exaggerate(它一般是及物動(dòng)詞!!!這里缺賓語) to a certain degree by planning creative notions and exuberant ads lines. But through those introductions, parents may acquire a better understanding of which one they are much more into. Take milking powders(奶粉應(yīng)該就是milk powders吧) for example, if milking powders with famous brands are much more frequently chosen, babies, as we believe, are less likely to get hurt or even poisoned as they sometimes suffered before. (98words)

　　結(jié)構(gòu)分析：第1句主題句就寫得不夠理想，造成一定的理解障礙!!!后面寫了3句支持句，但是寫得并不好，不論在意思上，還是句子結(jié)構(gòu)與語法上都不理想!!!這就是硬寫長(zhǎng)句的后果啊!!!

　　People hold the opinion that a sacrifice always come(很明顯，主謂一致錯(cuò)誤) along with a reward, which reflects upon(這個(gè)詞組的意思是“反省”) this topic. What parents are not satisfied with, from my view, is actually children’s overacting upon(應(yīng)該為to) advertisements instead of an advertisement itself. Advertisements, tough (應(yīng)改為though)slightly blur(這里犯了嚴(yán)重錯(cuò)誤，though引導(dǎo)一個(gè)狀語從句，blur是謂語動(dòng)詞，但是主語到哪里去了呢?!) consumers’ eyes, are on their way of helping us a reasonable choice(此句，我不理解).(55words)　(344words)

　　總評(píng)：全文有太多的錯(cuò)誤，主要是因?yàn)橛昧藦?fù)雜的句子，某些地方是使用了較難的詞，5分。

　　但是，這篇文章的作者具有一個(gè)特色：寫長(zhǎng)句的潛力!!!比起一般的5分的作文，這篇文章是完全具有6分甚至7分的潛力的，因?yàn)樗虚L(zhǎng)句，有難詞!!!關(guān)鍵就是正確性太低。如果在正確性方面能夠得以提高，那么此為作者在作文方面還是非常有前途的!!!