雅思大作文點(diǎn)評(píng):解決環(huán)境問(wèn)題方法是漲價(jià)？

 

　　As we see, smog is choking our cities and toxic chemicals are contaminating our drinking water, lowering the quality of people's living conditions. Naturally, the question is in the spotlight whether it is effective to cope with environmental problems by raising the price of fuel (這個(gè)句子寫得比較特殊,因?yàn)槭侵v前面的 the question 和后面的同位語(yǔ)從句 whether it is effective… 隔開了,"兇手"是謂語(yǔ)部分 is in the spotlight .俗稱,分割式同位語(yǔ)從句) . And my sense is that it is a good way, but never the best. (59words)

 

　　點(diǎn)評(píng):看了第一段的語(yǔ)言,感覺(jué)作者英語(yǔ)水平應(yīng)該很高,不管是從語(yǔ)言上也好,還是從表達(dá)的內(nèi)容也好,都很老練.其次,值得一提的是,再怎么優(yōu)秀的文章,結(jié)構(gòu)基本還是一樣的.此段也是先引入話題,然后表達(dá)自己的觀點(diǎn).所以,對(duì)于那些一天到晚總在研究作文結(jié)構(gòu)的同學(xué)來(lái)說(shuō),你們可以休息一下了,把精力放到語(yǔ)言上來(lái)吧.文章的結(jié)構(gòu),特別是首尾段的太容易了,沒(méi)什么多研究的.

 

　　It is true that manufacturers, whose aim is to make more profits, have to limit the amount of fuel used in production by some way (多么不好的表達(dá)!本來(lái)句子寫得挺好的,結(jié)果來(lái)了句 by some way ,可以理解為通過(guò)某種方式,這樣的話,應(yīng)該不能算是錯(cuò)誤的,但是從另外個(gè)角度,總覺(jué)得這個(gè)表達(dá)放在這個(gè)句子里有點(diǎn)"雞立鶴群"的感覺(jué),由于作者水平很高,所以能不能想想辦法,精益求精呢?!) , due to the increase of fuel price, to cut down on their cost of products, reducing the emission in the process of manufacture (作者整句的意思是想說(shuō):"生產(chǎn)商的目的是獲得更高的利潤(rùn),所以必須通過(guò)某種方式限制生產(chǎn)過(guò)程所用的燃料,因?yàn)槿剂蟽r(jià)格上升了,這樣做可以降低產(chǎn)品的成本,減少生產(chǎn)過(guò)程中氣體排放."在我翻成中文以后,我們?cè)賮?lái)看這個(gè)句子,最后的 reducing the emission ...應(yīng)該是可以理解了,它是 limit the amount of fuel used in production 的結(jié)果狀語(yǔ),而 to cut down on their cost of products 呢?!是目的.總結(jié)一下,這個(gè)句子完全可以當(dāng)作我們翻譯課上的例句,因?yàn)閷?duì)翻譯來(lái)說(shuō),老師最喜歡這樣的句子,考驗(yàn)學(xué)生對(duì)句子結(jié)構(gòu)的分析,此作者能寫作這樣的句子,水平看來(lái)和我有的一拼(小小自戀一下,呵呵...)但是,雅思考試的時(shí)候,考官是否能看懂呢?!我想考官是能夠看懂的,但問(wèn)題是考官會(huì)不會(huì)花心思去看?!這個(gè)是因考官而異,所以我主張,句子寫得復(fù)雜沒(méi)有問(wèn)題,但是結(jié)構(gòu)一定要清晰,不能復(fù)雜到連考官都琢磨半天,那就不好了!!!這句話,我乍看之下,能夠理解,那么推定考官也能理解,所以還是不錯(cuò)的) . (超級(jí)長(zhǎng)句,很不錯(cuò)) Also, faced with sharply growing price of common fuels, producers may turn to new types of energy resources that are economical as well as harmless to environment (還是前面加個(gè) the 吧, environment 是可數(shù)名詞) , in long term (前面逗號(hào)可以不要,然后改成 in the long term .看來(lái)作者對(duì)冠詞的把握不好) .

 

　　點(diǎn)評(píng):此段充分顯示了作者的語(yǔ)言功底,太神奇了!但是,大家有沒(méi)有發(fā)現(xiàn),人人看了此段都會(huì)覺(jué)得好,但是此段有沒(méi)有比較難的單詞呢?!答案是沒(méi)有!說(shuō)明什么呢?!好的作文也不需要刻意追求詞匯的難度,而是詞匯的廣度!

 

　　But, as usual, only when the government or authoritative organizations enforce environmental regulations on producers will the latter scenario happen.( 倒裝句開頭,不錯(cuò).另外,大家可以學(xué)個(gè)單詞 ,scenario ,它在此表示"可能發(fā)生的情況"比如: The death of democracy becomes quite a likely scenario.)  In other words, the authorities play an active role in preventing the excessive pollutants from pouring out into rivers or air. Without the compulsory clauses, manufacturers may choose low-cost fuel, rather than the one inoffensive to the surroundings, for, in the short term, manufacturers, especially small ones, can not afford the high expense on( 是 of 吧 ) advanced equipment that can make the most of resources, and thus, lessen the pollutants. (又是個(gè)厲害的長(zhǎng)句,但是對(duì)冠詞的把握仍然是瑕疵)

 

　　點(diǎn)評(píng):語(yǔ)言功底好的人有什么特點(diǎn)?!從句嗎?不是.而是非謂語(yǔ)動(dòng)詞和從句的結(jié)合.

 

　　Furthermore, on the whole, the high fuel price of energy resources can not eliminate the pollution, because there, whether more or less, has still been pollution ( whether more or less 雖然是插入語(yǔ),但是感覺(jué)這句這樣寫有點(diǎn)不自然,而且后面是用完成時(shí)似乎也不對(duì).試改為: there is still more or less pollution. ) . And, the radical approach to the environmental problems lies with the environmental awareness of producers. With the broad awareness about the importance of sustainable development, producers are willing to develop renewable energy resources, instead of being compelled to carry out the environmental policy established by the government, which is more effective but more difficult to reach. ( 長(zhǎng)句,大家欣賞一下吧 )

 

　　So, the environmental problems can be solved by the rise in price of fuel partially, but not radically. And then, better to take advantage to all the price mechanism, administration and the public's knowledge, than to make use of only one of them. ( 348words )

 

　　點(diǎn)評(píng):最后一段是敗筆,或者說(shuō)明顯寫的沒(méi)前面幾段好!

 

　　試改為: Therefore, raising fuel price can, to some extent, tackle the environmental problems but is far from thoroughly and the combination of price mechanism, administration and public knowledge is much better than make use of merely one of them.

 

　　總評(píng):我想也不用多說(shuō)了,8分.