英語(yǔ)沙龍十年合集珍藏版第三輯Waiter From Hell

Waiter From Hell

 

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience？Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese.

“Good evening, ”the maitre said. “Table for four？”

“Yes, thank you. ”

“Smoking or non？”

“Nonsmoking. ”

“Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening？”

“I guess indoors would be good. ”

“Very well, sir, ”he said. “Would you like to be seated in the main dining room or our lovely solarium^1）？”

“Uh, let me see. . . uh. . . ”

“I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium. ”

“I think the solarium would be lovely, ”I said. We followed him here.

“Now, would you prefer a view over looking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic²⁾ mountains to the west？”

“Whatever you recommend, ”I said. Let him make a decision for a change, I thought.

He sat us by a window facing the golf course, the lake or the mountains. I couldn’t tell which because it was dark outside.

Then a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. “Good evening, my name is Paul, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order？”

“No, ”I said. “I’m just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I’ll have the filet and a baked potato. ”

“Soup or salad？”

“Salad. ”

“We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp. ”

“Just a mixed-green salad, okay？”

“Whatever you say, sir. Dressing？”

I did’ t want to make another decision. “Whatever you’ve got will be fine. ”

“We have creamy Italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette^3）, Thousand Island, honey Dijon, ranch. . . ”

“Just bring me one. ”

“Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir？”

“Yeah. ”I was curt.

“And your baked potato. . . ”

I knew what was coming. “I just want the baked potato dry, you understand？I don’t want anything on it. ”

“No butter？No sour cream？”

“No. ”

“No chives？”

“No. Don’t you understand English？”I shouted. “I don’t want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak. ”

“Would you prefer the six-, eight-or 12-ounce steak, sir？”“Whatever. ”“Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done？”

“Pauly Boy, ”I said, “you are really starting to get me steamed. ”

“Which brings up the vegetables, sir？Would you like steamed broccoli⁴⁾, creamed corn, diced carrots. . . ”

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant⁵⁾ kisser and said, “How’d you like to settle this outside？”

“Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant？”“I prefer right here, ”I said, and sucker-punched him.

He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn’t offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious⁶⁾ into my chair.

I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics⁷⁾――whatever I wanted.

“No, no, ”I said. “I’ll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water. ”

“Yes, sir, right away, ”He said. “Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water⁸⁾ or soda with a wedge of lime？”

 

來(lái)自地獄的侍者

 

還記得不記得過(guò)去外出吃飯是件寬心愉快的事情？有人為你掌勺、服務(wù), 你走后又為你收拾桌子。而你所要做的只是咀嚼、吞咽和付賬?？墒沁@已成了過(guò)去。今天外出吃飯, 你就像一只實(shí)驗(yàn)室里的老鼠, 為了得到一塊奶酪, 你不得不在迷宮中四處亂竄。

“晚上好, ”領(lǐng)班說(shuō)。“四位？”

“是的, 謝謝。”

“吸不吸煙？”

“不吸。”

“今晚你愿意在室內(nèi)還是室外就餐？”

“我想室內(nèi)要好些。”

“很好, 先生, ”他說(shuō)。“你愿意坐在主餐廳呢, 還是我們漂亮的陽(yáng)光廳呢？”

“嗯, 讓我想想。”

“坐在我們的陽(yáng)光廳里, 你可以欣賞到美麗的景色。”

“我想就在陽(yáng)光廳吧。”我回答道。然后我們跟著他走了進(jìn)去。

“那么你是喜歡俯視高爾夫球場(chǎng)、湖畔落日、還是西山奇景呢？”

“隨便, ”我說(shuō)。我想就讓他決定我們坐在哪兒吧。

他把我們引到一扇窗戶前坐下。我也不清楚外面究竟是高爾夫球場(chǎng), 還是湖畔, 還是高山, 因?yàn)樘煲咽瞧岷谝黄?/span>

這時(shí), 一位穿得比我們當(dāng)中任何人都瀟灑、長(zhǎng)得比我們當(dāng)中任何人都英俊的年輕人走到了我們的桌前。“晚上好。我叫保羅。今天晚上由我為你們服務(wù)。點(diǎn)菜前你們是否需要一點(diǎn)時(shí)間？”

“不用了, ”我說(shuō)道。“只是隨便吃點(diǎn)東西。我只點(diǎn)魚(yú)片和烤土豆。”

“要不要湯或沙拉？”

“要一個(gè)沙拉。”

“我們有綠菜沙拉、棕櫚芯沙拉、還有一種精美的小蝦拌菊苣沙拉。”

“就點(diǎn)一個(gè)綠菜沙拉, 好嗎？”

“隨你的便, 先生。調(diào)料呢？”

我不想再挑了。“什么都可以。”

“我們有意大利乳醬、藍(lán)奶酪、醋油沙司、千島醬、第戎蜂蜜、農(nóng)場(chǎng)果醬……”

“隨便一種就行了。”“

意大利乳醬是我們店特制的。來(lái)點(diǎn)兒好嗎, 先生？“

“可以。”我生硬地答道。

“另外你的烤土豆……”

我知道他又要說(shuō)什么了, 于是搶道, “我只要干烤土豆, 你明白嗎？土豆上面什么也不要放。”

“不放黃油？不放奶油？”

“不放。”

“也不放細(xì)香蔥？”

“不放。難道你聽(tīng)不懂英語(yǔ)嗎？”我嚷了起來(lái)。“土豆上我什么也不要。就給我上道烤土豆和牛排。”

“那么先生, 你是要6盎司、8盎司、還是12盎司的牛排呢？”

“隨便。”“你是要三成熟、四成熟、五成熟、六七成熟的, 還是完全煎熟的？”

“保羅老弟, ”我說(shuō)道, “你這是快要把我蒸熟了。”

“先生, 你點(diǎn)什么蔬菜呢？是來(lái)點(diǎn)兒蒸椰菜、玉米糊, 還是胡蘿卜塊兒呢……”

我實(shí)在是忍無(wú)可忍了, 于是一把將餐巾扔到地上, 起身離席, 直盯著那小子傲慢的面孔說(shuō)道：“你想不想到外面解決？”

“先生, 這沒(méi)問(wèn)題。你是愿意到停車場(chǎng)、旁邊的胡同, 還是飯館前的大街上呢？”

“我看就在這里。”說(shuō)著我便抽拳向他打去。

他低頭閃過(guò), 隨即以一記左勾拳擊中了我的眼睛下部。這是整個(gè)晚上他頭一次沒(méi)有給我選擇的機(jī)會(huì)。我昏昏沉沉地栽倒在椅子上。

我感到領(lǐng)帶被拉松了, 領(lǐng)扣被解開(kāi)了, 臉被人抽打著。當(dāng)我終于清醒過(guò)來(lái)時(shí), 眼皮底下卻換成了原先那十分關(guān)切的領(lǐng)班。他不停地對(duì)我抱歉著, 說(shuō)要為我買一杯酒, 并找護(hù)理來(lái)---滿足我的一切要求。

“不了, 不了, ”我說(shuō)。“我沒(méi)事兒。就給我拿一杯水好了。”

“是的, 先生。我馬上就辦。”他應(yīng)聲道。“你是喜歡進(jìn)口礦泉水、汽水, 還是加酸橙的蘇打水？”

 

NOTE 注釋：

 

solarium [sEu5lZEriEm] n. 日光室

majestic [mE5dVestik] adj. 宏偉的, 莊嚴(yán)的

vinaigrette [7vinei5^ret] n. 醋油沙司

broccoli [5brCkEli] n. 椰菜

arrogant [5ArE^Ent] adj. 傲慢的, 自大的

semiconscious [semI5kRnFEs] adj. 半意識(shí)的

paramedic [5pArE7medik] n. 護(hù)理人員

sparking water [5spB:kiN 5wC:tE] n. 汽水