我結(jié)婚了，但是并不快樂(lè)

I got married when I was 23 years old, and for a while I was unhappy. I couldn't break up our marriage cuz I had always believed divorce was not an option. So I tried to live one day at a time, not over-thinking the future, hoping that things will get better some day.

我23歲就結(jié)婚了，但是沒(méi)過(guò)多久，我覺(jué)得并不快樂(lè)。我不能終止婚姻，因?yàn)槲覐膩?lái)沒(méi)有覺(jué)得離婚是一種(解決)方式。于是我每天得過(guò)且過(guò)，不多考慮將來(lái)。希望事情會(huì)在將來(lái)自己改善。

The problem was, it was all me, my wife didn't do anything to upset me and she's genuinely innocent. I didn't laugh when she was telling jokes, mainly because she can't tell jokes and always mess up the punchline, it's also because I didn't love her anymore, but I tried to crack a smile as hard as it was.

但問(wèn)題是，所有問(wèn)題都在于我。我的妻子從未做過(guò)任何讓我失望的事情，而且她非常的單純。她講笑話時(shí)，我都不笑，因?yàn)樗静粫?huì)笑話，主要講不好笑話的梗，也因?yàn)槲也辉賽?ài)她，但我還是擠出無(wú)比尷尬的笑容。

I didn't even notice when she wore something new or fixed herself for me. I was aware of my problem and that's why I was going crazy, the fact that it's all me. That being said, I have never hurt her or even said something unpleasant to her, I never acted on those feelings, I kept my shit to myself.

我甚至都沒(méi)有注意她穿了新衣服，或是為我停留。我意識(shí)到是我的問(wèn)題，這就是我為什么抓狂的原因，而且問(wèn)題完全在我。所以我從來(lái)都沒(méi)有傷害過(guò)她，或是講過(guò)什么令她不悅。我不表現(xiàn)這種情緒，都一個(gè)人默默承受。

One day I had to just get away for a while, clear my mind, and try and see a bigger picture, if there was one. Of course I didn't make it seem like i'm taking a break or anything, i'm a good actor.

一天，我不得不暫時(shí)離開(kāi)，清理下腦子，試著展望下未來(lái)，如果那個(gè)未來(lái)存在的話。我沒(méi)有讓這次離開(kāi)看起來(lái)像我要休息一下，或是別的(讓她誤會(huì))的事情，我是一個(gè)好演員。

So I left, and took a road trip. Driving always helped me get better for the night. I drive alone and talk out loud and let it all out so I don't burst up and explode during the day.

接著我開(kāi)啟了我的公路之旅，獨(dú)自一人開(kāi)夜車(chē)讓我覺(jué)得好過(guò)些，我大聲講話，讓情緒發(fā)泄，這樣不至于在白天失控爆發(fā)。

Nothing happened during those silent days of driving, except that she called me twice everyday to check on me.

在那些安靜開(kāi)車(chē)的日子里什么都沒(méi)有發(fā)生，除了她每天兩通電話，看我是否安好。

She never missed a call, and suddenly I realized that I was waiting for her to forget to call me. I keep realizing how much of an asshole I am.One day while driving I had a moment of clarity, it was so beautiful that I smiled and cried at the same time.

她從來(lái)都沒(méi)有漏打過(guò)一個(gè)電話，突然間我意識(shí)到，我就是要等她忘記打電話給我，我愈來(lái)愈覺(jué)得自己是一個(gè)十足的混蛋。一天在開(kāi)車(chē)時(shí)，我突然清醒了，我邊微笑邊哭泣，這種感覺(jué)真是太美妙了。

My mind drew a picture for me and here it is.. My wife crying while i'm not there or I can't see her, then she gathers herself and acts normal when im there, and tries to tell a joke just to get me to smile even though she knows she can't tell jokes, and for some reason, she was wearing a white dress.

腦海中虛構(gòu)的場(chǎng)景浮現(xiàn)在眼前。我的妻子，在我不在或是看不到她的時(shí)候抹眼淚，當(dāng)我在的時(shí)候，強(qiáng)打精神，恢復(fù)常態(tài)。盡管知道自己不擅長(zhǎng)講笑話，還是盡力博我一樂(lè)，而且不知何故，她身著一襲白裙。

I was thinking about my own happiness so much that I forgot to think about how miserable i'm making her feel. I never hated myself more than I did at that moment.

我只顧自己的喜樂(lè)，卻忘了顧及她的感受。在那一刻，我從未如此討厭自己。

I turned the car around and drove home, and while i'm on the road, I kept imagining her in that white dress. It made me happy. And I recalled some of the jokes she had told me before, and I laughed about how she messed up the punchline every time.That was three years ago, we had two daughters since then and I can't believe how lucky I am that I didn't mess it up. I'm thankful that she didn't leave me when she had every excuse to. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that with every love song that I hear, I think of her.我將車(chē)掉頭駛向家，一路上我不停想象著那穿那條白裙子的樣子，這讓我很開(kāi)心。

接著我想起了之前她給我講的那些笑話，想起她每次都說(shuō)不好笑話的梗，我笑了。3年前，我有了兩個(gè)女兒，我不敢相信自己是多么幸運(yùn)，而且我也沒(méi)有(像之前一樣)把事情搞的不愉快。我很感激她沒(méi)有離開(kāi)我，即使在她完全有理由這么做的情況下。一點(diǎn)都不夸張的講，之后每當(dāng)我聽(tīng)到情歌，我就會(huì)想起她。

So to the people who think they don't love their partners anymore, dig a little deeper. There's a scene in the movie Hachi: A Dog's Tale, where the father asks his daughter's boyfriend, "Do you love my daughter? Because that's what you want to remember in the bad days."

那些覺(jué)得自己不愛(ài)自己伴侶的人，請(qǐng)?jiān)趻行淖詥?wèn)下。在關(guān)于狗狗電影《《忠犬八公的故事》中，有一個(gè)場(chǎng)景父親曾問(wèn)女兒的男朋友，“你愛(ài)我的女兒么?因?yàn)樵谝院蟛挥淇斓娜兆永锬阋惨浀眠@點(diǎn)(你愛(ài)我的女兒)。

Thanks for reading this.

感謝閱讀