老友記第七季719 The One With Ross and Monica’s Cousin
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- 參考譯文
哦，嗨！試演如何？對(duì)不起，我認(rèn)識(shí)你嗎？你在干嗎？沒(méi)事，我在練習(xí)疏遠(yuǎn)你們，因?yàn)槲揖鸵蔀橐粋€(gè)電影明星了！哦！你得到角色了？嗯，不，還沒(méi)有。不過(guò)試演很成功。片子講什么的？哦，這個(gè)還在做預(yù)算的電影是講世紀(jì)之交時(shí)，三個(gè)意大利兄弟來(lái)到美國(guó)的故事。很經(jīng)典的故事！哦，而且那個(gè)導(dǎo)演據(jù)說(shuō)是下一個(gè)下一個(gè)Martin Scorcese（著名黑幫影片導(dǎo)演）。下一個(gè)下一個(gè)？對(duì)，有個(gè)來(lái)自芝加哥的家伙據(jù)說(shuō)是下一個(gè)Martin Scorcese。可我說(shuō)的這家伙排在他后面。你好！Joey！我是Estelle！我剛和劇組的人談過(guò)，他們喜歡你！他們喜歡我！對(duì)，他們想明天再見(jiàn)見(jiàn)你。天??！只有一個(gè)問(wèn)題。正面全裸你能接受嗎？你開(kāi)玩笑吧？我租的每部片子都有裸體看！哦...嗯，這樣吧，我一會(huì)兒打回去。怎么了？他們要我在影片中全裸！哇！是啊，我奶奶會(huì)看到的！奶奶要排隊(duì)?；槎Y就要到了！你們緊張嗎？緊張。不過(guò)我多少也有些盼著它趕緊結(jié)束呢！Chandler和我說(shuō)好在婚禮前不再有性愛(ài)。無(wú)性的約定，嗯？實(shí)際上我和每個(gè)美國(guó)女人都有這樣的約定。嗨Phoebe，幫個(gè)忙？好啊。我要收拾一下客房。嗨，Cassie表妹要和我們住一陣子。Cassie？嗯哼。哇，我已經(jīng)很久很久沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)她了。我想她可能還帶著芭比娃娃四處跑呢。Ross，她都25歲了。那又怎么樣？我不是還有...哦，看來(lái)你是對(duì)。嘿！嗨！嗨！嗨Pheebs，能在這兒跟你談點(diǎn)事嗎？行！狡猾的家伙！什么？我知道你們?cè)谥\劃我的新婚驚喜聚會(huì)。就算是吧別破壞氣氛合作些吧！好的，抱歉。哦天??！我們要為她舉行個(gè)聚會(huì)嗎？嗨！那部影片你怎么決定的？我不知道！這看起來(lái)不像個(gè)色情片。這是個(gè)嚴(yán)肅的、正統(tǒng)的片子。你知道而且裸戲在故事中很重要。我就是這么說(shuō)色情片的?。∧阏f(shuō)的對(duì)。也許我都不必回復(fù)他們。不！你應(yīng)該回復(fù)他們！很多主流明星都演過(guò)裸戲！我是說(shuō)這是個(gè)當(dāng)電影明星的機(jī)會(huì)，怎么樣??？嗯，你說(shuō)的對(duì)。我只有一處裸戲。再說(shuō)，故事聽(tīng)起來(lái)確實(shí)不錯(cuò)。我的角色是個(gè)天主教徒，愛(ài)上了一個(gè)猶太姑娘。我們一起私奔，卻遇到了可怕的暴雨。于是我們躲進(jìn)谷倉(cāng)，脫掉對(duì)方的衣服擁抱在一起。真的很溫馨。再說(shuō)，大家都能看到你的那玩意了。那我們什么時(shí)候辦這個(gè)聚會(huì)？她忙得厲害，我們只有兩個(gè)日子可選。周五不錯(cuò)...那就只有兩天準(zhǔn)備時(shí)間。另一個(gè)日子呢？昨天！那如果我們昨天就辦好了的話，好耶！搞定了！哦天啊，Phoebe，這事沒(méi)法辦！我們沒(méi)法在周五辦！我們要找個(gè)地方。我們要邀請(qǐng)客人！我們要準(zhǔn)備吃的！要做的事太多了！沒(méi)法辦！我們做不了！我們做不了！我們做不了！Rachel，冷靜！好，抱歉。你是對(duì)的，你是對(duì)的。冷靜一下，女人！Phoebe，我已經(jīng)..已經(jīng)冷靜下來(lái)了。哦，好吧，看來(lái)我需要冷靜一下。好，好。我認(rèn)為如果組織得當(dāng)，我們是能辦成的，是吧？我們有兩天時(shí)間準(zhǔn)備。我們只要決斷些就行！對(duì)不？好，我們?cè)谀睦镛k？嗯，就這兒。幾點(diǎn)呢？4點(diǎn)。吃的呢？三明治和茶。哦太好了！很像Monica。還有紅辣椒！啊，這就過(guò)了。嗯，鮮花還是氣球？都要！你知道我們要自己掏腰包的。那就都不要！好，嗯，聚會(huì)的主題是什么？肉體的欲望。什么？我不知道。牛仔主題怎么樣？嗨！嗨！你知道，我...我很高興我們決定在婚禮前不再發(fā)生關(guān)系。哦，小子，我也是！我在想如果我們...大吵一架，分手幾個(gè)小時(shí)...s..理論上講我們可以再發(fā)生關(guān)系。哦？你覺(jué)得如何，專橫獨(dú)裁的家伙？婚禮取消了，肥胖幼稚的家伙！就是我！來(lái)吧！好。等等，我們不能這么做。我的表妹在客房里呢。我們說(shuō)好一起吃午飯的。那就擺脫她，強(qiáng)迫癥和尖嗓子。lunch.尖嗓子？婚禮又恢復(fù)了！我好像聽(tīng)到你們的聲音了。你就是Chandler吧。嘿！很高興見(jiàn)到你！很高興見(jiàn)到你。那，你準(zhǔn)備好出發(fā)了嗎？好了。Chandler！我跟你一起去。Cassie得住在你那里了。什么？為什么？因?yàn)檫@位“舉止不當(dāng)”先生老盯著她看。什么？Chandler她是我們的表妹！我們沒(méi)有盯著她看，知道嗎？我只是在專心傾聽(tīng)。這是一個(gè)健談?wù)叩男袨椤Ｄ銈兛?。說(shuō)點(diǎn)什么。你當(dāng)時(shí)盯著南方8英寸處。好吧，她就住我那里吧。順便問(wèn)一下，Cassie現(xiàn)在長(zhǎng)成什么樣了？她長(zhǎng)得很像Marilyn姨媽。嗯，那Marilyn姨媽是...她來(lái)不來(lái)參加婚禮??？別惹我發(fā)火!嗨，我回來(lái)了！嘿，Joey。嗯，那我要不要再演一遍那個(gè)場(chǎng)景？其實(shí)，我們本來(lái)要打電話給你。你今天不用來(lái)了。哦太好了！你知道我很適合這個(gè)角色，不過(guò)無(wú)所謂！非常感謝你們做了個(gè)錯(cuò)誤的決定毀掉了你們的影片！再見(jiàn)！等等Joey！你不用來(lái)，是因?yàn)閷?dǎo)演昨天看過(guò)你的表演錄像...而且很喜歡。還有場(chǎng)景！嗯？是不是很好玩？我們有些改進(jìn)好！好！你...你說(shuō)吧。嗯，導(dǎo)演認(rèn)為你對(duì)角色的把握很正確，想明天見(jiàn)見(jiàn)你。哇！行！太好了！哦而且你的經(jīng)紀(jì)人說(shuō)你同意演裸戲。對(duì)！對(duì)沒(méi)錯(cuò)，只要處理得當(dāng),而且那個(gè)谷倉(cāng)別太冷就行。太好了！那，嗯，還有一件事。嗯，對(duì)于這個(gè)導(dǎo)演來(lái)說(shuō)，影片中每個(gè)東西都看上去可信很重要。那在你和Sarah的愛(ài)情場(chǎng)景中，她說(shuō)到她從未見(jiàn)過(guò)非猶太人的裸體男子。所以...所以什么？所以...嗯，導(dǎo)演強(qiáng)調(diào)無(wú)論誰(shuí)演那個(gè)角色都必須可信。從解剖學(xué)角度看應(yīng)該不是個(gè)猶太人。你知道我在說(shuō)什么吧？知道！好。不知道，你說(shuō)什么呢？一個(gè)意大利天主教移民應(yīng)該沒(méi)有...bah mitzvah?（參加過(guò)猶太成人禮）那么說(shuō),要得到這個(gè)角色你就不能割過(guò)那個(gè)？對(duì)?？赡闫鋵?shí)割了？對(duì)可你告訴他們,你沒(méi)有割過(guò)？是啊。哇！哇！那這就全完了？沒(méi)有什么可做的嗎？你有什么主意？我不知道！我真想得到這個(gè)角色！他們告訴你在試演中，無(wú)論對(duì)方問(wèn)你什么，你都回答是。比如...比如他們要你騎馬，你就說(shuō)會(huì)騎！回頭再去學(xué)。Joey！這可不像學(xué)騎馬那么簡(jiǎn)單！這就像學(xué)習(xí)如何...長(zhǎng)出衣領(lǐng)來(lái)！我知道！我知道！行了嗎？顯然明天我要去見(jiàn)導(dǎo)演，還要脫下褲子讓他們檢查我的身體什么樣。哦天啊，你準(zhǔn)備怎么辦？看來(lái)我只能給我的經(jīng)紀(jì)人打電話，告訴她我沒(méi)法演。除非！除非什么？哦，聽(tīng)起來(lái)可能有些瘋狂，不過(guò)也許我們可以做個(gè)造型。什么樣的？哦，我還沒(méi)想好，不過(guò)，嗯，我突然有個(gè)念頭，用雙面膠帶和一些午餐肉。嗨！我想到了該送客人們什么禮物。嗯，我們找點(diǎn)桃木盒子，把每個(gè)人的名字都刻在上面，里面裝上每人的生日石。好，好。好吧，你負(fù)責(zé)這個(gè)。還有，聚會(huì)就在明天，我們還沒(méi)有客人名單呢。好！好吧，我們知道誰(shuí)會(huì)來(lái)？我，還有你？嗨！嗨！嗨！什么事Mon？啊，我想為Joey做點(diǎn)什么。不介意我搜刮一下你的冰箱吧？搜刮吧。嗯，好，火雞。嗯，這個(gè)沒(méi)用，奶酪...也沒(méi)用，Olive面包...我希望沒(méi)用。你給他做三明治吶？不，這個(gè)...嗯，更像條圍巾。好了，嗯，我得走了。我想你們可以繼續(xù)討論該給我什么禮物了！我們還要給她禮物？是啊，不過(guò)瞧??！瞧我找到了什么？她的通訊錄！我們有客人名單了！哦天啊，你真了不起！你剛才從她錢包里順出來(lái)的？嗯哼，還有一點(diǎn)聚會(huì)的啟動(dòng)資金。Cassie？嗨Ross！嗨！好久不見(jiàn)！上次我看見(jiàn)你的時(shí)候，你正忙著收帳篷好去看Return of the Jedi。哦，哦，沒(méi)錯(cuò)。這么說(shuō)你那天你看見(jiàn)我了，我還以為你沒(méi)看見(jiàn)呢。是啊，不好意思啊沒(méi)事，進(jìn)，進(jìn)來(lái)吧。謝謝你讓我住在這兒！我是說(shuō)Monica那里不錯(cuò)，就是她的未婚夫老盯著我。哦。哦天??！你學(xué)起Chandler來(lái)很像??！嗯哼。是的，我...我模仿別人有一套。啊，也許等我們重新了解后，你可以學(xué)（干）我。是。不！我快吃完了。感謝上帝。我記得我們最后一次見(jiàn)面，我們父母一起租下了那棟海濱別墅。哦對(duì)，沒(méi)錯(cuò)。哦，記得那時(shí)我...我把你按倒在地，把你咯吱哭了。我們現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)不能那么孩子氣了。我會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)記得那個(gè)夏天的，因?yàn)槟菚r(shí)起我開(kāi)始長(zhǎng)這些雀斑。嗯哼！嗯哼！還有...我會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)記得那個(gè)夏天，因?yàn)槟菚r(shí)我才意識(shí)到我們是親戚。你長(zhǎng)那么大才明白過(guò)來(lái)啊，嗯？哦，我...我反應(yīng)有些慢。就像我們的孩子一樣。嘿！嘿！你好嗎？好。嘿，感謝光臨。哦，謝謝。謝謝。不要？好吧。哦，見(jiàn)到你真高興。不要。不，謝謝。好吧。嗨，Rach？嗯？這些家伙到底是什么人？哦，我不知道。我給她通訊錄上所有的人都打了電話。這些是24小時(shí)內(nèi)...可以來(lái)的所有人了。嗯，你知道他們有另外一種稱呼。衰人！嘿！我是Rachel。這位是Phoebe。我是伴娘。你怎么認(rèn)識(shí)Monica的？我四年前是她的會(huì)計(jì)。哦！我很想知道過(guò)去四年都是誰(shuí)在管她的稅務(wù)。太好了！那，Monica什么時(shí)候來(lái)??？我不知道。請(qǐng)等我們一會(huì)兒。你沒(méi)通知她來(lái)？該是你通知的！不，不該我！你負(fù)責(zé)通知她，我負(fù)責(zé)準(zhǔn)備蛋糕！好吧，我這就去叫她。好！請(qǐng)讓她帶蛋糕來(lái)！好，我們有幾種選擇，你可以試試這些模型。哇！看起來(lái)很棒！是??！好，這個(gè)是蘑菇的傘。嗯，這個(gè)是用臘腸做的。還有...還有牙簽？哦，先等膠水干了再說(shuō)。感謝上帝！這個(gè)，這個(gè)比較實(shí)用，不過(guò)容易腐爛。啊！怎么樣？這里有粉紅的山羊皮，很不錯(cuò)。不過(guò)...嗯，如果濕了的話就會(huì)縮水。哦，那我們就不要它了。我還...用毛皮做了個(gè)東西。不過(guò)，嗯，是為我自己做的。嗯。那么，你干嗎不進(jìn)屋去試試這些玩意？這樣我們就可以知道哪種方式更好。謝了，你真是個(gè)好朋友。這事太詭異了。噢！牙簽？對(duì)。你現(xiàn)在試哪個(gè)呢？水果卷兒。怎么樣？好吃！Joey！等一下！等一下！有個(gè)合適的！什么？哪一個(gè)？泥彩蛋（Silly Putty）！現(xiàn)在沒(méi)那么傻（silly）了！她是你的表妹。她是你的表妹！如果她知道你腦子里在想什么，她會(huì)認(rèn)為你有??！她真的會(huì)那么想？讓我們回顧一下。是她提議打開(kāi)酒瓶的。是她調(diào)暗燈光的。是她要租Logan' s Run 這樣一部性感影片來(lái)看的。哦，我知道那種眼神。算了吧！我這么想，她也這么想。我要開(kāi)始了。嗨！你到底在干什么？說(shuō)點(diǎn)機(jī)靈的話！好，不一定是機(jī)靈的，說(shuō)點(diǎn)什么就行。說(shuō)點(diǎn)什么。任何話都可以！哦天??！從來(lái)沒(méi)有人這么長(zhǎng)時(shí)間都不說(shuō)話的！說(shuō)什么都比現(xiàn)在這樣強(qiáng)！說(shuō)就是了！我...我很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間沒(méi)有過(guò)性生活了。是啊，你真的什么都不該說(shuō)。Phoebe！Rachel！我是Monica！我不知你們這么晚才通知我到底想玩什么花招！哦。哦 Monica，我們很抱歉。為了什么？嗯首先，我們忘了要給你準(zhǔn)備新婚聚會(huì)。接著又忘了通知你來(lái)。你們...你們已經(jīng)辦完了？是的。嗯，我們給你通訊錄上的每個(gè)人都打了電話，來(lái)了好些人，可是...過(guò)了很久才把你叫來(lái)，他們已經(jīng)走了。是啊，我們本來(lái)想給你個(gè)大驚喜和難忘的聚會(huì)，現(xiàn)在你什么都沒(méi)得到。我們?nèi)阍伊恕＿?..等一下，你們說(shuō)的不對(duì)！不，你們做的非常好。而且這多少就是我想要的。你...你什么意思？哦，我現(xiàn)在要和我真正喜歡的人一起辦這個(gè)聚會(huì)！我是說(shuō)，我不用和那些我不喜歡的人說(shuō)話就能收下他們的禮物！驚喜啊...驚...驚喜？...Monica。最酷的是，這個(gè)人物來(lái)自那不勒斯，是吧？是。我全家都來(lái)自那不勒斯！哦，太好了！好，我已經(jīng)聽(tīng)到了所有我想聽(tīng)的。我還要...嗯，Leslie...Joey，這是比較難辦的地方。哦！對(duì)了！沒(méi)問(wèn)題。我完全理解。你需要知道我沒(méi)有什么嚇人的疤痕或紋身。別擔(dān)心，我沒(méi)什么可隱瞞的。現(xiàn)在瞧吧，這就是我。百分之百天然的！我跟你們說(shuō)，這事從未發(fā)生過(guò)。Cassie，東西都可以吧？是?。≌娴闹x謝你讓我住這兒。哦！沒(méi)問(wèn)題！我...怎么了？說(shuō)點(diǎn)什么！什么都行！約她出去！她不是你的表妹！
719 The One With Ross and Monica’s Cousin
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?
Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you?
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blowing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star!
Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!
Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.
Monica: What was it for?
Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
Phoebe: The next, next?
Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. (Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!
Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.
Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!
Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: What’s the matter?
Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!
Monica: Wow!
Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this!
Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monica’s now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.
Ross: Cassie?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old.
Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Subtle guys!
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower.
Rachel: (laughs) Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]
Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?
Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Monica: That’s what you say about porn.
Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back.
Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!
Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender.
Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. (Giggles.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica’s shower.]
Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower?
Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday…
Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option?
Rachel: Yesterday!
Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done!
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it!
Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!
Rachel: (calmly) Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right.
Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm down woman!
Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.
Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?
Phoebe: Uh, here. What time?
Rachel: 4 o’clock. Food?
Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.
Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica.
Phoebe: And chili!
Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?
Phoebe: Both!
Rachel: We’re paying for this y’know.
Phoebe: Neither.
Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme?
Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.
Rachel: (pause) What?
Phoebe: I don’t know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch writing when Chandler enters to make his brief cameo.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Y’know I’m-I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Oh boy me too!
Chandler: Y’know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours…
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!
Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!
Chandler: That’s me! Come on!
Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we can’t. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch.
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who don’t know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)
Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.
Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!
Cassie: Nice to meet you too.
Monica: So, are you ready to go?
Cassie: Yeah.
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say can’t help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
Monica: (catching him) Chandler!
Chandler: I’ll be right with you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.]
Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place.
Ross: What—why?
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here can’t stop staring at her.
Ross: What?! Chandler she’s our cousin!
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica’s eyes.) Say something.
Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there.
Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now.
Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.
Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?
Monica: Wafer thin ice!
[Scene: A Casting Director’s Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
Joey: Hey, I’m back!
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didn’t need to come down here today.
Joey: Oh great! Y’know I would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn’t that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
Joey: Wow! Sure! That’s great!
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there’s one more thing. Uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So… (Laughs.)
Joey: So…What?
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I’m saying?
Joey: Yes!
The Casting Director: Okay.
Joey: No. What?
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be…
Joey: Barmifsaed?
(The casting director shakes her head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]
Monica: So to get this part you can’t be?
Joey: Nope.
Monica: But you are?
Joey: Yep.
Monica: But you told them you weren’t?
Joey: That’s right.
Monica: Wow! Wow! And it’s definitely all gone? There’s nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I don’t know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to…grow a turtleneck!
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can’t do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Monica: Unless!
Joey: Unless what?
Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.
Joey: Like what?
Monica: Well I’m not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head I’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.]
Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list.
Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you?
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! What’s up Mon?
Monica: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?
Rachel: Have at it.
Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that won’t work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That won’t work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that won’t work.
Rachel: Are you makin’ him a sandwich?
Monica: No it’s umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I’m gonna go guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Okay.
Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! (Runs out.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monica’s gone) We have to get her a present?!
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Rachel: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. (Holds up $40.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Hey Ross!
Ross: Hey!
Cassie: (hugs him) It’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.
Ross: Oh. Oh, that’s right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didn’t.
Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.
Ross: It’s okay. Come, come on in.
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica’s place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
Ross: Oh.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!
Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions.
Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me.
Ross: Yeah—No!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what she’s eating.]
Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin’ on that…h(huán)ot dog.
Cassie: I’m all done.
Ross: (quietly) Thank God.
Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.
Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you ‘til you cried? (She laughs) We’re probably too old to do that now.
Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer, because it’s when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized that we are related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?
Ross: Well I’m, I’m a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, it’s Monica’s bridal shower and Phoebe is passing out some finger food.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good. (She goes over to another couple of women.) Hi, thanks for coming.
Woman: Oh thank you.
(The other woman declines.)
Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No? (She nods.) All right. (She goes to another pairing.) Oh, it’s so nice to see you.
Woman: No.
The Other Woman: No thanks.
Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?
Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Phoebe: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that. Losers!
(A woman approaches.)
Rachel: (to her) Hi! I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Rachel: Ohhhh!
Woman: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: That’s great!
Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here?
Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I don’t know.
Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didn’t tell her to come?!
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go call her.
Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]
Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on.
Joey: Wow! This looks great!
Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is made of bologna. (Points.)
Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.
Joey: Thank God!
Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.
Joey: Ah.
Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink.
Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.)
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that’s really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work.
Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.
(He goes into his room to try them on and closes the door.)
Joey: Ow!
Monica: Toothpick?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: What are you trying on now?
Joey: The fruit roll up.
Monica: And?
Joey: Delicious.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!
Monica: What?! Which one?!
Joey: The Silly Putty! It’s not so silly anymore!
(They hug.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross some more wine as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his lap.]
Ross: (in his head) She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head she’d think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Let’s back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan’s Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I’m going in.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! (They sit back up.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesn’t have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh haven’t had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything.
[Scene: outside Phoebe's apartment, Monica is knocking on the door.]
Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.) Oh.
Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry.
Monica: For what?
Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower.
Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to it.
Monica: You al-you already had it?
Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave.
Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either.
Phoebe: We ruined everything.
Rachel: Ugh…
Monica: Well no wait a minute that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best.
Rachel: What do you, what do you mean?
Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents (Motions to the pile in the corner) without having to talk to people I don’t even like!
(Suddenly, everyone stands up and comes out of hiding. All of them are glaring at Monica.)
Rachel: Surprise…
Phoebe: Sur-surprise.
Rachel: …Monica.
[Scene: The casting director’s office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
Joey: And what’s cool is, the character is from Naples, right?
The Director: Yeah.
Joey: My whole family’s from Naples!
The Director: Oh that’s great! Okay, well I’ve heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie…
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to y’know make sure I don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don’t you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, that’s me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joey’s legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, there’s a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is getting out linens for Cassie who is in the bathroom.]
Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?
Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I… (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Cassie: (noticing her) What?
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin!
End
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?
Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you?
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blowing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star!
Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!
Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.
Monica: What was it for?
Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
Phoebe: The next, next?
Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. (Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!
Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.
Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!
Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: What’s the matter?
Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!
Monica: Wow!
Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this!
Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monica’s now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.
Ross: Cassie?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old.
Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Subtle guys!
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower.
Rachel: (laughs) Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]
Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?
Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Monica: That’s what you say about porn.
Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back.
Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!
Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender.
Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. (Giggles.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica’s shower.]
Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower?
Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday…
Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option?
Rachel: Yesterday!
Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done!
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it!
Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!
Rachel: (calmly) Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right.
Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm down woman!
Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.
Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?
Phoebe: Uh, here. What time?
Rachel: 4 o’clock. Food?
Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.
Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica.
Phoebe: And chili!
Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?
Phoebe: Both!
Rachel: We’re paying for this y’know.
Phoebe: Neither.
Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme?
Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.
Rachel: (pause) What?
Phoebe: I don’t know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch writing when Chandler enters to make his brief cameo.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Y’know I’m-I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Oh boy me too!
Chandler: Y’know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours…
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!
Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!
Chandler: That’s me! Come on!
Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we can’t. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch.
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who don’t know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)
Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.
Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!
Cassie: Nice to meet you too.
Monica: So, are you ready to go?
Cassie: Yeah.
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say can’t help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
Monica: (catching him) Chandler!
Chandler: I’ll be right with you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.]
Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place.
Ross: What—why?
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here can’t stop staring at her.
Ross: What?! Chandler she’s our cousin!
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica’s eyes.) Say something.
Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there.
Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now.
Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.
Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?
Monica: Wafer thin ice!
[Scene: A Casting Director’s Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
Joey: Hey, I’m back!
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didn’t need to come down here today.
Joey: Oh great! Y’know I would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn’t that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
Joey: Wow! Sure! That’s great!
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there’s one more thing. Uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So… (Laughs.)
Joey: So…What?
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I’m saying?
Joey: Yes!
The Casting Director: Okay.
Joey: No. What?
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be…
Joey: Barmifsaed?
(The casting director shakes her head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]
Monica: So to get this part you can’t be?
Joey: Nope.
Monica: But you are?
Joey: Yep.
Monica: But you told them you weren’t?
Joey: That’s right.
Monica: Wow! Wow! And it’s definitely all gone? There’s nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I don’t know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to…grow a turtleneck!
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can’t do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Monica: Unless!
Joey: Unless what?
Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.
Joey: Like what?
Monica: Well I’m not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head I’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.]
Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list.
Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you?
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! What’s up Mon?
Monica: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?
Rachel: Have at it.
Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that won’t work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That won’t work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that won’t work.
Rachel: Are you makin’ him a sandwich?
Monica: No it’s umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I’m gonna go guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Okay.
Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! (Runs out.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monica’s gone) We have to get her a present?!
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Rachel: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. (Holds up $40.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Hey Ross!
Ross: Hey!
Cassie: (hugs him) It’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.
Ross: Oh. Oh, that’s right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didn’t.
Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.
Ross: It’s okay. Come, come on in.
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica’s place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
Ross: Oh.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!
Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions.
Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me.
Ross: Yeah—No!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what she’s eating.]
Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin’ on that…h(huán)ot dog.
Cassie: I’m all done.
Ross: (quietly) Thank God.
Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.
Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you ‘til you cried? (She laughs) We’re probably too old to do that now.
Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer, because it’s when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized that we are related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?
Ross: Well I’m, I’m a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, it’s Monica’s bridal shower and Phoebe is passing out some finger food.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good. (She goes over to another couple of women.) Hi, thanks for coming.
Woman: Oh thank you.
(The other woman declines.)
Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No? (She nods.) All right. (She goes to another pairing.) Oh, it’s so nice to see you.
Woman: No.
The Other Woman: No thanks.
Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?
Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Phoebe: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that. Losers!
(A woman approaches.)
Rachel: (to her) Hi! I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Rachel: Ohhhh!
Woman: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: That’s great!
Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here?
Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I don’t know.
Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didn’t tell her to come?!
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go call her.
Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]
Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on.
Joey: Wow! This looks great!
Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is made of bologna. (Points.)
Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.
Joey: Thank God!
Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.
Joey: Ah.
Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink.
Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.)
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that’s really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work.
Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.
(He goes into his room to try them on and closes the door.)
Joey: Ow!
Monica: Toothpick?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: What are you trying on now?
Joey: The fruit roll up.
Monica: And?
Joey: Delicious.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!
Monica: What?! Which one?!
Joey: The Silly Putty! It’s not so silly anymore!
(They hug.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross some more wine as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his lap.]
Ross: (in his head) She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head she’d think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Let’s back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan’s Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I’m going in.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! (They sit back up.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesn’t have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh haven’t had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything.
[Scene: outside Phoebe's apartment, Monica is knocking on the door.]
Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.) Oh.
Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry.
Monica: For what?
Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower.
Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to it.
Monica: You al-you already had it?
Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave.
Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either.
Phoebe: We ruined everything.
Rachel: Ugh…
Monica: Well no wait a minute that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best.
Rachel: What do you, what do you mean?
Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents (Motions to the pile in the corner) without having to talk to people I don’t even like!
(Suddenly, everyone stands up and comes out of hiding. All of them are glaring at Monica.)
Rachel: Surprise…
Phoebe: Sur-surprise.
Rachel: …Monica.
[Scene: The casting director’s office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
Joey: And what’s cool is, the character is from Naples, right?
The Director: Yeah.
Joey: My whole family’s from Naples!
The Director: Oh that’s great! Okay, well I’ve heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie…
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to y’know make sure I don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don’t you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, that’s me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joey’s legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, there’s a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is getting out linens for Cassie who is in the bathroom.]
Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?
Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I… (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Cassie: (noticing her) What?
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin!
End
