婚前必問的12個(gè)問題 技術(shù)性排除潛在婚姻問題
1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
出現(xiàn)分歧時(shí)，你的家人會怎么做呢?是扔盤子，還是平靜地探討問題，亦或?qū)栴}閉口不談?
A relationship's success is based on how differences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family's dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them.
"情侶研究所"創(chuàng)始人之一皮特·皮爾森稱，一段關(guān)系的成敗取決于人們?nèi)绾翁幚矸制?。由于我們所有人都會受到自己家庭的影響，這個(gè)問題將讓你能夠了解另一半是會效仿還是規(guī)避ta父母化解沖突的方式。
2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
我們要孩子嗎?如果要的話，你會換尿布嗎?
With the question of children, it is important to not just say what you think your partner wants to hear, according to Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach. Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want? At what point do they want to have them? And how do they imagine their roles as parents? Talking about birth-control methods before planning a pregnancy is also important, said Marty Klein, a sex and marriage therapist.
離婚和與情感顧問黛比·馬丁內(nèi)斯稱，在孩子的問題上，不要只說另一半愛聽的話，這點(diǎn)很重要?；榍?，伴侶應(yīng)在是否想要孩子的問題上開誠布公地談一談。你倆想要幾個(gè)孩子?何時(shí)想生?想象自己會如何扮演父母的角色?性愛與婚姻治療師馬蒂·克萊因表示，計(jì)劃懷孕前探討避孕方法也十分重要。
3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
與前任的經(jīng)驗(yàn)對彼此有益，還是會成為障礙?
Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones. Raising these issues early on can help, Dr Wilcox said. Dr Klein said people are "hesitant to explicitly talk about their past" and can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. "The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple," he said.
弗吉尼亞大學(xué)全美婚姻項(xiàng)目負(fù)責(zé)人布拉德福德·威爾科特斯指出，有過太多嚴(yán)肅的兩性關(guān)系會帶來離婚、婚姻質(zhì)量降低的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)。這可能是因?yàn)橛羞^較多慘痛分手經(jīng)歷的人可能會將現(xiàn)任伴侶與前任進(jìn)行不利比較。威爾科特斯博士表示，早些把問題擺在臺面上會有所幫助。人們不愿直截了當(dāng)?shù)卣務(wù)撨^去，還會對過去的事產(chǎn)生嫉妒或苛責(zé)的情緒。接受另一半在走入這段關(guān)系前是有"歷史"的才是真正能以親密、富有成效且友愛的方式探討這些問題的唯一途徑。
4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
宗教信仰有多么重要?如果有信仰的話，我們將如何慶祝宗教節(jié)日?
If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how the children's religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.
如果兩人的宗教信仰不同，是否要繼續(xù)追求各自的宗教信仰?斯庫卡博士是全美關(guān)系增進(jìn)研究所首席執(zhí)行官，他為一些情侶提供咨詢時(shí)鼓勵(lì)他們坦率地討論宗教信仰問題。此外，他表示，涉及到孩子的時(shí)候，雙方尤其可能因宗教傳統(tǒng)問題產(chǎn)生沖突。若兩人決定要孩子，則須探討如何處理孩子的宗教教育問題，最好能制定一個(gè)計(jì)劃。
5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
我的債務(wù)你是否會共同承擔(dān)?你愿意幫我還債嗎?
It's important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your income and your partner's, Dr Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.
離婚律師弗雷德里克·赫茲稱，了解伴侶如何看待財(cái)務(wù)獨(dú)立，以及ta是否希望分賬是非常重要的。公開債務(wù)也很重要。若你和伴侶的收入差異很大，斯庫卡博士會建議你們根據(jù)收入比例設(shè)立基本預(yù)算。他表示，盡管分?jǐn)傌?cái)務(wù)的問題十分重要，許多夫婦卻未曾就該問題進(jìn)行過討論。
6. What's the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
你最愿意把錢花在什么方面，汽車、沙發(fā)還是鞋子?
Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.
雙方應(yīng)確保在財(cái)務(wù)謹(jǐn)慎或冒進(jìn)程度上的一致性。赫茲表示，買車就是一個(gè)很好的參考指標(biāo)。情侶還可以根據(jù)他們會在什么物品上胡亂花錢設(shè)置問題。
7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?
你能否接受我不帶你去做某些事嗎?
Going into marriage, many people hope to keep their autonomy in certain areas of their life at the same time they are building a partnership with their spouse, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn't discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what "privacy" means, added Dr Klein, and that should be discussed, too. Dr Wilcox suggested asking your partner when he or she most needs to be alone.
"親密關(guān)系技能實(shí)際應(yīng)用"總裁塞斯·艾森伯格表示，步入婚姻時(shí)，許多人都希望在與伴侶建立伙伴關(guān)系的同時(shí)，也能在生活中的某些領(lǐng)域保持自己的獨(dú)立。這意味著他們也許不愿與對方分享自己的業(yè)余愛好或朋友，若未就此進(jìn)行探討，則會導(dǎo)致對方產(chǎn)生被排斥的感覺，而使兩人關(guān)系緊張?？巳R恩博士表示，雙方對"隱私"所指內(nèi)容的期望值也可能不盡相同，因此也應(yīng)加以討論。威爾科特斯博士建議，問問你的伴侶什么時(shí)候最需要獨(dú)處。
8.Do we like each other's parents?
我們喜歡彼此的父母嗎?
As long as you and your partner present a united front, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can be manageable, Dr Scuka said. But if a spouse is not willing to address the issue with his or her parents, it can bode very poorly for the long-term health of the relationship, he said. At the same time, Dr Pearson said, considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents can illuminate future patterns of attachment or distancing in your own relationship.
斯庫卡博士說，只要你與另一半立場統(tǒng)一，就能hold得住與公婆/丈人丈母娘關(guān)系不好的問題。但如果一方不愿解決他/她父母的相關(guān)問題，那么這段關(guān)系能長期健康地發(fā)展的可能性會相當(dāng)渺茫。同時(shí)，皮爾森博士稱，分析你父母的優(yōu)缺點(diǎn)，對了解二人未來夫妻關(guān)系中的依戀或疏遠(yuǎn)模式，會有所啟發(fā)。
9. How far should we take flirting with other people?
與他人調(diào)情的程度
Dr Klein said couples should discuss their attitudes about flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. A couple's agreement on behavior in this area can, and most likely will, change down the line, he said, but it is good to set the tone early on so both partners are comfortable discussing it. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be talked about in the same way as other day-to-day concerns, so that problems can be dealt with before a partner becomes angry, he said.
克萊恩博士稱，情侶應(yīng)當(dāng)探討他們對于調(diào)情以及對排他的性關(guān)系的看法。他表示，兩人就此達(dá)成的一致很可能還會在今后有所變化，但早些定調(diào)是件好事，這樣雙方就可以自然地討論這類問題。理想狀態(tài)下，兩人應(yīng)像談?wù)撊粘Ｉ钪斜舜岁P(guān)心的其他事一樣，談?wù)撆潘男躁P(guān)系，這樣就能在一方生氣前處理這些問題。
10. Do you know all the ways I say "I love you"?
你知道所有我在說"我愛你"的方式嗎?
Gary Chapman's 1992 book, "The 5 Love Languages," introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Ms Martinez hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner's, and discuss them. Mr Eisenberg said that a couple needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.
加里·查普曼1992年出版的書籍《五種愛情語言》引入了區(qū)分愛情表達(dá)方式以鞏固婚姻關(guān)系的方法。馬丁內(nèi)斯女士向其即將步入婚姻殿堂的客戶給出了這五種愛情語言：肯定、愉悅時(shí)光、接受禮物、為對方服務(wù)和身體接觸。她請這些客戶標(biāo)出他們最喜歡和其次喜愛的語言，以及他們認(rèn)為伴侶最常使用的愛情語言，并就此進(jìn)行討論。艾森伯格先生稱，情侶需要弄清如何以他們特有的方式增進(jìn)彼此的關(guān)系。
11. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
我身上哪些東西你比較欣賞，哪些讓你無法忍受?
Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it's not enough to just "click together," as many couples describe their relationship. A marriage must go deeper than that original "click."
你能想到有些挑戰(zhàn)會磨滅愛慕之情嗎?如果是的話，你會怎么做?紐約道德文化學(xué)會的負(fù)責(zé)人安妮·克雷森稱，情侶很少考慮第二個(gè)問題。她表示，理想情況下，婚姻是一生的承諾，許多情侶描述他們的關(guān)系時(shí)會提到"一見鐘情"，但僅有這種情感是不夠的。婚姻必須比"鐘情"要更加深沉。
12. How do you see us 10 years from now?
十年后我們會是什么樣子?
Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to Mr Eisenberg. Dr Wilcox said this discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.
艾森伯格先生稱，將這個(gè)問題的答案牢記在心會有助于情侶解決當(dāng)前的沖突，因?yàn)樗麄儠蛑橐鲫P(guān)系的終極目標(biāo)而努力。威爾科特斯博士表示，探討該問題也提供了一個(gè)機(jī)會，讓你能了解在關(guān)系惡化時(shí)，伴侶是會考慮離婚，還是認(rèn)為無論發(fā)生什么，婚姻都是一輩子的事。
