我超愛(ài)我的寶貝女兒, 但卻偏偏離不開酒

I soon learned as a married, stay-at-home mother that if I remained drunk about 40 percent of my waking hours, I really enjoyed it. That is not true. I did not calculate percentages. Also, I did not particularly enjoy it.

作為一位已婚的全職媽媽，我很快了解到：如果我40%醒著的時(shí)間都是喝醉的狀態(tài)，那我會(huì)十分享受。但這是錯(cuò)的。我沒(méi)有計(jì)算比例，也沒(méi)有那么享受。

I would go to the store to "buy groceries for a nice dinner" and come back with a couple nice bottles of wine, for our nice dinner, which I would drink while Icooked. At our actual dinner I would have more wine and a cocktail or two. (They do not write this in the "new mom" brochure we get when they discharge us from the hospital, but perhaps they should.)

我會(huì)去商店"買一些食材準(zhǔn)備美味的晚餐"，回來(lái)的時(shí)候會(huì)帶幾瓶酒搭配美味的晚餐，但我在做菜的時(shí)候就會(huì)開喝。實(shí)際吃飯的時(shí)候，我會(huì)喝更多酒，還會(huì)再喝一兩杯雞尾酒。(出院時(shí)，他們沒(méi)有在發(fā)給我們的"初為人母"的手冊(cè)中寫下這一點(diǎn)，但也許他們應(yīng)該加上這一條。)

I drank for relief. I drank because from my first sip at sixteen, alcohol felt like peace, like coming home after a long and arduous journey. Anticipation of the day's first glass was a rush of lifted spirits within me-energy, comfort, being-and by glass number two, I began to feel the way I thought I should feel all the time.

我喝酒是為了放松。因?yàn)閺?6歲喝到的第一口酒開始，它就給我?guī)?lái)了平靜，好比一段漫長(zhǎng)而艱辛的旅程之后，我回到了家中。每天對(duì)第一杯酒的期待令我精神滿滿--能量、舒適、活于人間--到了第二杯，我開始覺(jué)得自己活成了自以為的那個(gè)樣子。

Drugs would do the same, but they required such commitment- transactions with people I didn't know, dealers refusing to return my calls. After Ava was born, I was a drug dabbler. I was a fucking grown-up, after all, a mother.

毒品會(huì)帶來(lái)同樣的情況，但需要做出一定承諾--與陌生人做交易、販毒者拒絕回我電話。艾娃出生后，我曾涉獵過(guò)毒品。但畢竟我是一個(gè)成年人，一位母親。

More realistically, what saved me from narcotics was that I lived on a ranch ten miles outside an excessively vanilla college town where "partying" looked like nineteen-year-olds doing kegstands, not bumps of cocaine in bathroom stalls.

將我從毒品中拯救出來(lái)的更為現(xiàn)實(shí)的原因是：我住在一個(gè)牧場(chǎng)上，距離超大的香草大學(xué)城十英里，在那里"派對(duì)"就是19歲的大學(xué)生喝桶裝啤酒，而不是在浴室里吸可卡因。

And I wasn't seeking drugs because I had alcohol, which was enough-mostly because it was reliable. You could get a bad baggie. You couldn't get a bad handle of Grey Goose. Plus, everyone drank. I could cling to alcohol like it was my last breath of air, but as long as I hid my desperation, the world would assume I was motherly, even sophisticated. They would believe the polish of laughter and smiles, as long as I never looked too excited.

我不再吸毒還有一個(gè)原因：我還有酒啊，這就足夠了--主要因?yàn)榫颇芰钗野残?。你可能?huì)買到壞的手提包。但你卻不會(huì)買到壞的灰雁牌伏特加酒。另外，每個(gè)人都會(huì)喝醉。我堅(jiān)持飲酒，就像它是最后一縷空氣，但只要我隱瞞我的絕望，整個(gè)世界就會(huì)以為我是一位好母親，甚至還會(huì)認(rèn)為我經(jīng)驗(yàn)豐富。他們會(huì)相信我的假笑，只要我看上去不至于太過(guò)興奮。