修復婚姻，你需要這些“愛的花招”

After studying thousands of couples, the psychologist Eli Finkel has an explanation for the decline in people’s satisfaction with their marriages over the past four decades: It’s a matter of emotional supply and demand.

經過對數千對夫婦的研究，心理學家伊萊·芬克爾(Eli Finkel)解釋了為什么過去四十年來人們對婚姻的滿意度在下降：這是一個情感供應和需求問題。

Many people are looking to their partners to replace the companionship and emotional support once provided by extended families and local institutions like churches, bowling leagues, bridge groups, fraternal lodges and garden clubs. Meanwhile, though, many couples are so busy with their jobs and parenting that they’re actually spending less time together by themselves.

許多人對婚姻的期待是，曾經由大家族和教會、保齡球聯(lián)賽、橋牌小組、兄弟會和園藝俱樂部等本地機構提供的聯(lián)誼與情感支持，現在可以由他們的伴侶取代。然而，與此同時，許多夫婦要忙于工作和育兒，在一起的時間反而變少了。

What to do? Unless you’re willing to reduce your demands, the only solution is to increase the supply. You can devote a lot more effort to satisfying your partner, and Dr. Finkel tells you how to do that in his new book, “The All-or-Nothing Marriage.”

怎么辦?唯一的對策是增加供應，除非你愿意削減需求。你可以加倍努力去滿足你的伴侶，對此芬克爾在他的新書《非成即敗的婚姻》(The All-or-Nothing Marriage)中介紹了具體做法。

But if that sounds like too much work, he also offers a few shortcuts that he calls “love hacks.” If your schedule doesn’t allow a weekly date night, if you don’t want to take long walks on the beach or go on joint self-actualization vacations, you can use some quick fixes that have been tested successfully in Dr. Finkel’s relationships laboratory at Northwestern and elsewhere.

不過，如果你覺得這太麻煩，他還給出了一些稱為“愛的花招”的捷徑。如果你在時間上做不到每周拿出一晚的約會時間，如果你不想花很長時間在沙灘上漫步，或者和對方一起進行自我實現性的度假，你可以利用一些簡便的彌補措施，芬克爾在自己的西北大學情感關系實驗室以及其他地方已經驗證了這些辦法的有效性。

A love hack, as Dr. Finkel defines it, is a proven technique that takes little time or effort and doesn’t even require cooperation from your partner. “It’s a quick-and-dirty option that can take just a few minutes a month,” he says. “It’s not going to give you a great marriage, but it can certainly improve things. After all, simply allowing the relationship to slip off the priority list will probably yield stagnation, or worse.”

按照芬克爾的定義，所謂“愛的花招”就是一種不需要花很多時間或精力、甚至不需要伴侶配合的可靠技巧。“每個月花幾分鐘就能辦到的一種投機取巧的方法，”他說。“用這個換不來一樁杰出的婚姻，但做一些改善是沒問題的。說到底，單單只是任由情感關系的優(yōu)先級往下降，都有可能導致發(fā)展的停滯，甚至更糟。”

He offers a variety of love hacks because he doesn’t believe in one-size-fits-all solutions for relationships. He suggests picking whichever hack appeals and starting right away.

他給出了各種愛的花招，因為他不相信情感關系存在萬金油式的解決方案。他建議選擇自己感興趣的花招，立即開始實施。

Touch Your Partner

觸碰你的伴侶

Holding hands can win you points even when you don’t mean it, as demonstrated in an experiment with couples who watched a video together. Some people were instructed not to touch their partners during the video, while others were told to touch in a “warm, comfortable and positive way.”

拉手是加分的，即便你并不是真心想拉手，這一點通過讓夫婦一起看一段視頻的實驗得到了證明。其中一些人得到的指令是不要在看視頻時觸碰伴侶，另一些人則被要求以一種“溫暖、舒適和積極的方式”去觸碰對方。

Afterward, the people who had been touched reported being more confident of being loved by their partner — and this effect occurred even when the people knew that their partners’ actions were being directed by the researchers. Their rational selves knew that the hand-holding wasn’t a spontaneous gesture of affection, but it made them feel better anyway.

接下來，被觸碰的人表現出對伴侶的愛有更多信心——即便知道伴侶是在研究人員指示下行動，也會產生這種效果。他們的理性自我知道，拉手并非一種出于喜愛的自發(fā)舉動，但還是能讓他們感覺更好一些。

Don’t Jump to Bad Conclusions

不要急于下糟糕的結論

If your partner does something wrong, like not returning a phone call, don’t over-interpret it. Researchers have found that one of the biggest differences between happy and unhappy couples is their “attributional style” in explaining a partner’s offense.

如果你的伴侶做了錯事，比如沒有回電話，不要過度解讀。研究人員發(fā)現，幸福與不幸福夫婦之間的最大不同在于，他們在解釋一個伴侶的過錯時所采用的“歸因方式”。

The unhappy couples tend to automatically attribute something like an unreturned phone call to a permanent inner flaw in the partner (“He’s too selfish to care about me”) rather than a temporary external situation, like an unusually busy day at work. When something goes wrong, before drawing any conclusions about your partner, take a few seconds to consider an alternative explanation that puts the blame elsewhere.

面對未回電之類的問題，不幸福的夫婦往往直接將之歸咎為伴侶的某種永久性的內在缺陷。(“他太自私了，不關心我”)而不是暫時性的外部情況，比如今天的工作格外忙。遇到問題時不要急于對伴侶下結論，花上幾秒時間想一想，有沒有另一種解釋可以說明問題在別的地方。

Picture a Fight From the Outside

從外人的視角想象一場爭吵

In an experiment with 120 married couples in Chicago, Dr. Finkel periodically asked questions about their marriages over the course of two years. During the first year, their satisfaction with their marriages declined, which unfortunately is typical.

芬克爾在芝加哥進行了一場涉及120對夫妻的實驗，他在兩年時間里定期就他們的婚姻狀況提問。在第一年里，他們對婚姻的滿意度下降了，不幸的是這種現象很常見。

At the start of the second year, some of the couples were instructed to try something new when they found themselves in an argument: “Think about this disagreement with your partner from the perspective of a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved; a person who see things from a neutral point of view. How might this person think about the disagreement? How might he or she find the good that could come from it?”

進入第二年時，實驗對其中一些夫妻做出要求，要他們在出現爭執(zhí)時嘗試一個新的做法：“從第三方中立視角來看待你和伴侶的爭執(zhí)，這個人希望看到的是皆大歡喜的場面，一個用中立的眼光看事情的人。這個人會怎么看這場爭執(zhí)呢?他或她從中能看到什么好的東西?”

Again, that little exercise made a big difference. Over the next year, marital satisfaction remained stable in those couples, whereas it continued to decline in the control group that hadn’t been instructed to take the third-party perspective.

這個小小的練習再一次帶來了重大變化。第二年里，這樣做的夫妻的婚姻滿意度保持穩(wěn)定，而沒有被要求選擇第三方視角的那一組夫妻，滿意度在繼續(xù)下降。

Make a Gratitude List

列一份感恩清單

Once a week, write down a few things your partner has done to “invest in the relationship,” as the participants in one experiment were instructed to do. Other participants were instructed to list things they had done themselves to invest in the relationship. The ones who patted themselves on the back subsequently felt a little more committed to the relationship, but the ones who wrote about their partners’ contributions felt significantly more committed — and also, not surprisingly, a lot more grateful toward their partners.

有一項實驗要求參與者每周寫下伴侶為“感情投資”做的幾件事。其他參與者被要求列出他們本人為感情投資做過的事。自我表揚的人后來感覺自己對戀情更投入了，而那些寫下伴侶貢獻的人則感覺自己比以前投入了很多，而且毫不意外地更加感激伴侶。

Accept a Compliment

接受贊美

One of the most common factors in failed marriages is the “rejection sensitivity” of one partner. People with low self-esteem have a hard time believing their partner really loves them, so they often preemptively discount their partner’s affection in order to avoid being hurt by the expected rejection. Eventually, even when they start off with a loving partner, their worst fear comes true because their defensive behavior ends up driving the other person away.

婚姻失敗的一個最常見因素是有一方“特別害怕被拒絕”。自尊心較低的人很難相信伴侶真的愛自己，所以他們經常先否認伴侶的愛意，以避免被預期中的拒絕傷害。結果，就算他們遇到了一位充滿愛意的伴侶，他們最大的擔心也會變成現實，因為他們的防御行為最終會疏遠對方。

In testing ways to counteract this anxiety, researchers asked insecure people to recall a specific compliment from their partner. Giving a detailed account of the situation and the compliment didn’t have any effect, apparently because these insecure people could dismiss it as a lucky aberration: “For once I did something right.”

研究者在試驗消除這種焦慮的方法時要求缺乏安全感的一方回憶伴侶的一次具體的贊美。詳細描述當時的情況和相關贊美之辭沒有產生任何效果，這似乎是因為缺乏安全感的人會把那次贊美當成幸運的反常情況：“我終于把事情做對了一次。”

But there was a notable effect when people were asked to think about the compliment abstractly: “Explain why your partner admired you. Describe what it meant to you and its significance for your relationship.” That quick exercise helped them see why their partner could really care for them.

但是，當研究者要求參與者概括地回想伴侶的贊美時，效果非常顯著：“解釋一下為什么你的伴侶仰慕你。講述一下這對你的意義，以及對你們戀情的重要性。”那項快速練習幫助他們領悟到為什么伴侶真的是在乎他們。

Celebrate Small Victories

慶祝小小的勝利

When your partner tells you about something that went right in his or her day, get excited about it. Ask questions so your partner can tell you more about the event and relive it. Put some enthusiasm into your voice and your reactions. Researchers call this a “capitalization attempt.”

當伴侶告訴你一天中的一件進展順利的事時，為他/她感到興奮。問一些問題，讓伴侶告訴你更多關于那件事的情況，使之重現一遍。在你的聲音和反應中加入熱情。研究者稱之為“將收益變現的嘗試”。

When researchers studied couples who were trained to use these techniques in their evening discussions, it turned out that each partner took more pleasure from their own victories, and both partners ended up feeling closer to each other. By sharing the joy, everyone came out ahead — and in true love-hack fashion, it didn’t take much time at all.

研究者在調查那些被培訓在夜間談話中使用這些技巧的情侶時發(fā)現，雙方都從自己的勝利中獲得了更多快樂，雙方都感覺與對方更親密了。通過分享這種快樂，每個人都獲得了益處，而且從地道的愛的花招的角度講，這根本花不了太多時間。