別讓手機(jī)奪走你的人類伴侶

We have an intimate relationship with our phones. We sleep with them, eat with them and carry them in our pockets. We check them, on average, 47 times a day — 82 times if you’re between 18 and 24 years old, according to recent data.

我們和手機(jī)保持著親密的關(guān)系。我們和它一起睡覺(jué)，一起吃飯，把它放在口袋里。根據(jù)最近的數(shù)據(jù)，我們平均每天查看手機(jī)47次，18歲至24歲的年輕人每天查看手機(jī)的次數(shù)更是高達(dá)82次。

And we love them for good reason: They tell the weather, the time of day and the steps we’ve taken. They find us dates (and sex), entertain us with music and connect us to friends and family. They answer our questions and quell feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

我們愛(ài)它的理由很多：它告訴我們天氣情況、時(shí)間以及走了多少步。它幫我們尋找約會(huì)對(duì)象(以及性伙伴)，用音樂(lè)娛樂(lè)我們，把我們與朋友和家人聯(lián)系起來(lái)。它回答我們的問(wèn)題，平息孤獨(dú)和焦慮的感覺(jué)。

But phone love can go too far — so far that it can interfere with human love — old fashioned face-to-face intimacy with that living and breathing being you call your partner, spouse, lover or significant other.

但我們對(duì)手機(jī)的愛(ài)可能太多了，已經(jīng)開(kāi)始干擾對(duì)人類的愛(ài)，也就是與你稱為伴侶、配偶、愛(ài)人或重要另一半的那位活生生、會(huì)呼吸的生物之間，面對(duì)面的老式親密關(guān)系。

The conflict between phone love and human love is so common, it has its own lexicon. If you’re snubbing your partner in favor of your phone it’s called phubbing (phone + snubbing). If you’re snubbing a person in favor of any type of technology, it’s called technoference. A popular song by Lost Kings even asks: “Why don’t you put that [expletive] phone down?”

對(duì)手機(jī)的愛(ài)與對(duì)人類的愛(ài)之間，沖突非常普遍，甚至有了專門的詞來(lái)形容它。偏愛(ài)手機(jī)、冷落伴侶的行為被稱為“電話冷遇”(phubbing，“電話”[phone]和“冷落”[snubbing]的結(jié)合)。因?yàn)槿魏畏N類的技術(shù)而冷落一個(gè)人的行為被稱為“技術(shù)插足”(technoference)。Lost Kings樂(lè)隊(duì)的一首流行歌曲甚至問(wèn)道：“你為什么就不能放下那[臟字]手機(jī)?”

“A key to a healthy relationship is being present,” said James Roberts, author of “Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You Addicted to Your Smartphone?”. When one partner constantly checks his or her phone it sends an implicit message that they find the phone (or what’s on it) more interesting than you.

“在一段健康的關(guān)系當(dāng)中，最重要的是陪伴，”詹姆斯·羅伯茨(James Roberts)說(shuō)。他是《水滿則溢：你對(duì)智能手機(jī)上癮嗎》(Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You Addicted to Your Smartphone?)”一書(shū)的作者。如果一個(gè)伴侶不停地看手機(jī)，潛臺(tái)詞就是，他(她)覺(jué)得手機(jī)(或手機(jī)上的內(nèi)容)比你更有趣。

In a 2016 study published in the journal Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 70 percent of women revealed that smartphones were negatively affecting their primary relationship. More than one-third of the 143 women in the study said their partner responded to notifications mid-conversation; one out of four said their partner texted during conversations. The women who reported high levels of technoference in interactions with their partners were less happy with their relationships and with their lives overall.

《大眾傳媒文化心理學(xué)》(Psychology of Popular Media Culture)雜志2016年發(fā)表的一項(xiàng)研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，70%的女性表示，智能手機(jī)對(duì)其主要關(guān)系產(chǎn)生了負(fù)面影響。參加該研究調(diào)查的143名女性中有超過(guò)三分之一的人表示，她們的伴侶會(huì)在談話過(guò)程中查看手機(jī)通知;四分之一的人表示，她們的伴侶會(huì)在談話過(guò)程中發(fā)短信。認(rèn)為在與伴侶的互動(dòng)中存在更多“技術(shù)插足”的女性對(duì)親密關(guān)系和整體生活更不滿意。

It’s not just women who are feeling dissed. Dr. Roberts, who is a professor of marketing at Baylor University, asked 175 men and women questions about their partners’ smartphone use. Nearly half of respondents, 46 percent, reported being phone snubbed (phubbed) by their partner. People who reported higher levels of phubbing also reported higher levels of relationship conflict.

不只是女性覺(jué)得受到了輕視。貝勒大學(xué)(Baylor University)的市場(chǎng)營(yíng)銷學(xué)教授羅伯茨博士在175位男性和女性中調(diào)查伴侶使用智能手機(jī)的情況。近半數(shù)的受訪者(46%)表示，因伴侶頻繁查看手機(jī)而感覺(jué)受到冷落。感覺(jué)受冷落程度更高的人也表示雙方關(guān)系中的沖突更多。

In our quest to be connected through technology, we’re tuning out our partners and interrupting a kind of biological broadband connection.

我們希望通過(guò)技術(shù)與他人取得聯(lián)系，但在這個(gè)過(guò)程中，我們把自己的伴侶排擠出去，切斷了生物意義上的寬帶連接。

“People are beginning to realize that something is amiss,” said Sherry Turkle, an M.I.T. technology professor and author of “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age.” “They don’t necessarily know what to do about it, but they are open to change.”

“人們開(kāi)始意識(shí)什么事情不對(duì)頭，”麻省理工學(xué)院(MIT)的技術(shù)教授謝麗·特克爾(Sherry Turkle)說(shuō)。她也是《找回對(duì)話：數(shù)字時(shí)代交談的力量》(Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age)一書(shū)的作者。“他們不一定知道該怎么做，但他們?cè)敢庾龀龈淖儭?rdquo;

Judith Bell, a leadership coach and co-founder of Relationships That Work in Novato, Calif., has noticed that her clients are starting to respect phone boundaries. “Now they turn off their phones when they are in session. A few years back, they would let themselves be interrupted.”

加利福尼亞州諾瓦托“有效的關(guān)系”項(xiàng)目(Relationships That Work)的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力教練兼聯(lián)合創(chuàng)始人朱迪思·貝爾(Judith Bell)注意到她的客戶們開(kāi)始尊重使用手機(jī)時(shí)的界線。“現(xiàn)在，他們上課時(shí)會(huì)關(guān)掉手機(jī)。幾年前，他們?cè)试S自己上課時(shí)被手機(jī)打斷。”

If you’re feeling frustrated by phone interference in your relationship, talk to your partner but be positive. “Emphasize the benefits of being more connected,” Ms. Bell said. Rather than dictate to your partner what they should or should not do, try an approach such as, “I love talking with you, but when you’re constantly checking your phone it’s hard to have a great conversation.”

如果你為親密關(guān)系中的電話干擾感到沮喪，那你可以跟伴侶談?wù)?，但要保持積極的態(tài)度。貝爾說(shuō)：“要強(qiáng)調(diào)感情更親密的好處。”而不是規(guī)定你的伴侶應(yīng)該做什么、不該做什么，比如你可以說(shuō)，“我喜歡跟你聊天，但如果你不停地看手機(jī)，那就很難好好說(shuō)話。”

“The first step is awareness,” Dr. Roberts said.

“首先要意識(shí)到這個(gè)問(wèn)題，”羅伯茨說(shuō)。

Here are some suggested ways to break up with your phone long enough to connect with your partner.

下面這些建議能幫你跟手機(jī)分手足夠長(zhǎng)的時(shí)間，以便同伴侶多多交流。

Designate “no cell” zones in your home. With your partner, decide which areas of your home, such as the living room and the kitchen, should be technology-free. And consider eliminating phone use in the car so that you can use that time to talk to your partner about whatever is on your mind.

在家里指定一個(gè)“無(wú)手機(jī)”區(qū)域。和伴侶一起決定家里的哪些地方應(yīng)該劃為無(wú)技術(shù)區(qū)域，比如客廳和廚房。還可以考慮在車上不用手機(jī)，你可以利用在車上的時(shí)間與伴侶談?wù)撊魏蜗敕ā?/p>

Try a phone-free bedroom for one week. Yes, it’s fun to check Twitter just before bed, or when you’re sleepless at 2 a.m., but you might be more likely to converse with your partner if the phone were elsewhere. And just the act of favoring your relationship over your phone sends a clear message to your partner.

嘗試一個(gè)星期在臥室里不用手機(jī)。是的，入睡前或凌晨2點(diǎn)失眠時(shí)看Twitter很有趣，但是如果手機(jī)在別的地方，你就更有可能與伴侶交談。只需要表明你更看重你們的關(guān)系而非手機(jī)，就能給伴侶發(fā)送一個(gè)明確的信息。

“Buy some old-fashioned alarm clocks for your bedside table,” Dr. Turkle suggested. “Put your cellphones in a basket in the kitchen.”

“買個(gè)老式鬧鐘放在床頭柜上，”特克爾博士建議，“把手機(jī)放在廚房的籃子里。”

Keep phones off the table. When you’re eating at home or in a restaurant, keep phones off the table. The mere presence of a cellphone — with the possibility of it chirping or buzzing at any moment — can inhibit the free flow of conversation, according to a study published last year in the journal Environment & Behavior. Researchers examined how conversations between two people were influenced by cellphones. When a phone was present during a conversation, the partners rated the conversation as less fulfilling and reported less feelings of empathic concern than when phones were absent.

不要把手機(jī)放在餐桌上。在家里或餐館吃飯時(shí)，不要把手機(jī)放在餐桌上。去年發(fā)表在《環(huán)境與行為》雜志(Environment & Behavior)上的一項(xiàng)研究稱，單是手機(jī)的存在就可能阻礙談話的自由發(fā)展，因?yàn)樗S時(shí)可能響鈴或震動(dòng)。研究人員研究了兩個(gè)人之間的對(duì)話可以如何受到手機(jī)的影響。當(dāng)談話中出現(xiàn)電話時(shí)，雙方都感覺(jué)談話不如沒(méi)手機(jī)時(shí)那么令人滿意，并表示有手機(jī)的時(shí)候，對(duì)人的共情心更少。

Practice phone etiquette. If you must look at your phone, announce that you are doing so. “I am just checking the score/weather/playlist for two minutes,” shows courtesy and indicates to your partner that you are aware that your attention is shifting. It may also make you more aware of how often you pick up your phone when your partner is present.

遵守手機(jī)禮節(jié)。如果你必須查看手機(jī)，那就告知對(duì)方你在做什么。“我只是花兩分鐘時(shí)間看一下比分/天氣/播放列表”——這樣的話能體現(xiàn)你的禮貌，同時(shí)向伴侶表明，你意識(shí)到你的注意力在轉(zhuǎn)移。它也可以讓你更清楚地意識(shí)到伴侶在場(chǎng)時(shí)你拿起手機(jī)的頻率。

If your partner’s job demands round-the-clock availability, discuss reasonable boundaries that would satisfy both the job and you.

如果伴侶的工作要求隨時(shí)能聯(lián)系上，那么你們就要協(xié)商出一些合理的規(guī)矩，以便同時(shí)滿足工作需求和你的需求。

“The big challenge is that people are not talking about these issues enough,” said Daniel Ellenberg, a psychotherapist and partner with Ms. Bell in Relationships That Work. “We need to open up the social intercourse.”

“最大的挑戰(zhàn)是人們對(duì)這些問(wèn)題討論得不夠，”心理治療師丹尼爾·埃倫伯格(Daniel Ellenberg)說(shuō)。他是“有效的關(guān)系”項(xiàng)目中貝爾的合伙人。“我們需要擴(kuò)大社會(huì)交流。”

Should your partner seem reluctant to let go of ingrained phone habits, consider turning to an objective source. Rather than wag your finger, you might suggest that you both take a closer look at your phone habits.

如果你的伴侶似乎不愿放棄根深蒂固的手機(jī)習(xí)慣，那么你可以考慮借助一些客觀的消息來(lái)源。與其責(zé)備對(duì)方，不如建議你們雙方都仔細(xì)留意一下自己使用手機(jī)的習(xí)慣。

“Couples need to form an alliance and decide together what are the new rules,” Dr. Turkle said.

“夫妻需要結(jié)成同盟，共同制訂新的規(guī)則，”特克爾博士說(shuō)。

Dr. David Greenfield, a University of Connecticut psychiatry professor and founder of the Center for Internet and Technology Addiction developed a simple quiz, the Smartphone Compulsion Test, to help determine if a person’s phone use is problematic. Let the score be the judge, rather than you.

康涅狄格大學(xué)(University of Connecticut )的精神病學(xué)教授、互聯(lián)網(wǎng)和技術(shù)成癮中心(Center for Internet and Technology Addiction)的創(chuàng)始人戴維·格林菲爾德博士(David Greenfield)開(kāi)發(fā)了一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的測(cè)驗(yàn)，名叫智能手機(jī)強(qiáng)迫癥測(cè)驗(yàn)(Smartphone Compulsion Test)，它可以幫助確定一個(gè)人使用手機(jī)的習(xí)慣是否有問(wèn)題。讓分?jǐn)?shù)來(lái)評(píng)判，你不要去評(píng)判。