雙語·面紗 第七十六章

She sat on the edge of the bed hiding her face with her hands.

“Would you like a drop of water?”

She shook her head. He went over to the washing-stand, filled the tooth-glass and brought it to her.

“Come along, have a little drink and you'll feel better.”

He put the glass to her lips and she sipped the water. Then, with horrified eyes, she stared at him. He was standing over her, looking down, and in his eyes was a twinkle of self-satisfaction.

“Well, do you think I'm such a dirty dog as you did?” he asked.

She looked down.

“Yes. But I know that I'm not a bit better than you. Oh, I'm so ashamed.”

“Well, I think you're very ungrateful.”

“Will you go now?”

“To tell you the truth I think it's about time. I'll just go and tidy up before Dorothy comes in.”

He went out of the room with a jaunty step.

Kitty sat for a while, still on the edge of the bed, hunched up like an imbecile. Her mind was vacant. A shudder passed through her. She staggered to her feet and, going to the dressing-table, sank into a chair. She stared at herself in the glass. Her eyes were swollen with tears; her face was stained and there was a red mark on one cheek where his had rested. She looked at herself with horror. It was the same face. She had expected in it she knew not what change of degradation.

“Swine,” she flung at her reflection. “Swine.”

Then, letting her face fall on her arms, she wept bitterly. Shame, shame! She did not know what had come over her. It was horrible. She hated him and she hated herself. It had been ecstasy. Oh, hateful! She could never look him in the face again. He was so justified. He had been right not to marry her, for she was worthless; she was no better than a harlot. Oh, worse, for those poor women gave themselves for bread. And in this house too into which Dorothy had taken her in her sorrow and cruel desolation! Her shoulders shook with her sobs. Everything was gone now. She had thought herself changed, she had thought herself strong, she thought she had returned to Hong Kong a woman who possessed herself; new ideas flitted about her heart like little yellow butterflies in the sunshine and she had hoped to be so much better in the future; freedom like a spirit of light had beckoned her on, and the world was like a spacious plain through which she could walk light of foot and with head erect. She had thought herself free from lust and vile passions, free to live the clean and healthy life of the spirit; she had likened herself to the white egrets that fly with leisurely flight across the rice-fields at dusk and they are like the soaring thoughts of a mind at rest with itself; and she was a slave. Weak, weak! It was hopeless, it was no good to try, she was a slut.

She would not go in to dinner. She sent the boy to tell Dorothy that she had a headache and preferred to remain in her room. Dorothy came in and, seeing her red, swollen eyes, talked for a little in her gentle, commiserating way of trivial things. Kitty knew that Dorothy thought she had been crying on account of Walter and, sympathizing like the good and loving wife she was, respected the natural sorrow.

“I know it's very hard, dear,” she said as she left Kitty. “But you must try to have courage. I'm sure your dear husband wouldn't wish you to grieve for him.”

她坐在床邊，把臉埋在手掌中。

“你想喝點(diǎn)兒水嗎？”

她搖了搖頭，他走近水池，往玻璃杯中接了一些水，然后端給她。

“來吧，喝點(diǎn)兒水，你會感覺好點(diǎn)兒的?！?/p>

他把杯子放到她的嘴邊，她抿了點(diǎn)兒水，然后，有點(diǎn)兒驚恐地盯著他。他站在她旁邊，俯視著她，眼睛里閃爍著一種滿足感。

“呃，你現(xiàn)在還認(rèn)為我是卑鄙的家伙嗎，就像你以前對我的看法？”他問道。

她低下了頭。

“是的，但我知道我自己比你也好不到哪里去，哦，我真羞愧。”

“嗯，我覺得你有點(diǎn)兒忘恩負(fù)義?！?/p>

“你現(xiàn)在就走嗎？”

“說實(shí)話，我覺得時(shí)間差不多了，我得在多蘿西回來之前離開你的房間，還要整理妥當(dāng)?！?/p>

他邁著揚(yáng)揚(yáng)得意的步伐走出了房間。

凱蒂坐了一會兒，仍然在床邊，躬著個(gè)腰像個(gè)小傻瓜。她的腦袋空空的，一陣戰(zhàn)栗傳遍全身，她跌跌撞撞地站起身來，走到梳妝臺前，一屁股坐到了椅子上。她盯著鏡子中的自己，眼睛已經(jīng)哭腫了，臉也被淚水弄花了，臉頰一邊有一個(gè)紅印子，是剛才他親的。她用一種驚恐的目光看著自己，同樣是這張臉，她原來還指望自己能痛改前非，可現(xiàn)在發(fā)現(xiàn)墮落的行為沒有改觀。

“下流坯?！彼龡l件反射般地?fù)u擺著頭，“下流坯?！?/p>

然后，她把臉埋在手臂上，凄慘地哭了起來。恥辱，奇恥大辱！她不知道自己怎么了，太可怕了。她恨他，也恨自己。她自己竟然還能欣喜若狂。噢，真可恨！她無法再正視他的臉了，他是對的，他不娶她完全正確，因?yàn)樗诲X不值，她比一個(gè)人盡可夫的妓女好不到哪里去，哦，甚至更壞，因?yàn)槟切┴毨У呐烁蛇@一行是為了面包。而在這棟房子里，多蘿西在她痛苦無助、處于殘酷的凄涼境地時(shí)接納了她，而自己對她做了什么呀！她的肩膀因?yàn)槌槠秳又，F(xiàn)在一切都過去了，她原以為自己改變了，原以為自己很堅(jiān)強(qiáng)，原以為自己回到香港后能夠找回自我。新的想法在她心里生成，就像小小的黃蝴蝶在陽光下扇動著翅膀，她曾希望自己未來會過得更好，自由就像光的精靈在向她召喚，這世界就像開闊的草原，穿過它時(shí)，她可以邁著輕快的步伐，高高地昂起頭。她原以為自己已經(jīng)擺脫了欲望和卑鄙的感情困擾，能夠自由自在地生活在純凈和健康的精神世界中。她把自己比擬成了那些黃昏時(shí)在稻田上空悠閑遨游的白鷺鳥，它們在休息時(shí)也會任由自己的思緒在天空翱翔。她是一個(gè)奴隸，軟弱，軟弱！沒有希望，嘗試改變也沒有什么好處，她就是一個(gè)娼婦。

她沒有去吃晚飯，讓一個(gè)男仆告訴多蘿西她頭痛，想待在房間里。多蘿西進(jìn)來，看見她紅腫的眼睛，用她溫柔、同情的口吻和她聊了一些雞毛蒜皮的小事。凱蒂知道多蘿西以為她一直是在為沃爾特哭，她像一個(gè)善良和可愛的好妻子那樣值得同情，自然而然的悲痛應(yīng)該得到尊重。

“我知道你很難過，親愛的。”她離開凱蒂時(shí)說道，“但你必須設(shè)法鼓起勇氣，我堅(jiān)信你親愛的丈夫也希望你不要為他太難過?！?/p>